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© Marko Grönroos, 1998
magi@utu.fi - Finland

Finland tourist guide

This is a short tourist guide to Finland. We (I) suggest that you take it very seriously, since we ARE TELLING THE TRUTH!

Notice: Each advice will be told for white people and non-white people, like black (=negroes, blackies, mudfaces, SCUBA-suits, etc.), oriental people, indians, etc.

1. Arriving.

When you walk out of the aeroplane, you are propably in Helsinki. It is a city where most people who live there would not like to live, but don't want to admit it. Don't be afraid - we are usually trying to be very 'international' so there will be some kind of airport terminal nearby.

1.b) Determining your location.

The modern world provides us many chances for mistakes, so you should try to find if you really have come to Finland.

Method A:
If you are black, it's easy: just ask anything from anyone, if he runs away pointing at you and shouts: "NEEKERI, NEEKERI!", you have come to the right place.

Method B:
If you are red, the police will propably either shoot you or take you to a zoo. Don't scream! Then they will consider you dangerous and shoot you immediately.

Method C:
If you are yellow, it's also very easy: if you ask something from anyone, he runs away as fast as he can. Don't run after him, since then SUPO (our intelligence agency) may notice you and arrest you as an industrial spy.

Method D:
If you are white, everyone will smile at you and walk away. Don't make the mistake that you would go after them since then they would not smile anymore and would still walk away. Don't try their patience, they may become violent.

Then your problems will start.

2. Deciding where to go.

If you want to have a miserable holiday/business_trip/etc., you will have to stay in Helsinki, but propably you want to wander around Finland. No, don't be afraid, you don't have to do this on a horse (although this too is possible), but you can use many different sophisticated vehicles, like trains, rented cars, aeroplanes, bicycles, etc.
  • If you want to see lots of museums, and get bored to death, you must come to visit Turku (I live there, very stupid city). Only actually interesting place in Turku is it's great, superb, wonderful, truly amazing, beautiful university. It's easy to find - just walk anywhere and you have found it. You can also come to visit me, but don't expect me to be different from other finns.
  • Lappi is a place where every tourist always wants to visit. There are many places in Lappi, where you can see original lapps riding on raindeers, they will offer you some piss of a raindeer (a local delicasy), you will be taken to a river where they will drop some gold in water and then you can find some of it again. You will be able to speak to the Santa Claus (the One and Only), and if it's cristmas time he will give you a present (with no cost, but of course you can be generous or next year you won't get anything).

    3. Asking directions.

    If you have to do this, you have been stupid since you haven't bought a good, super-quality finnish map. About 100% of finns between ages of from 9 to 50 understand english perfectly, sometimes they can even write it a little, but for God's sake, DON'T EXPECT THEM TO SPEAK ENGLISH!

    If you really want to get something from a local native, explain what you want *perfectly*, so that he doesn't have to ask you anything, becouse he won't.