From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Sat Jun 6 09:15:35 2015 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-2b8MfSl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id A1EA910094F; Sat, 6 Jun 2015 09:15:34 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1552 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20150606131534.A1EA910094F@kinzler.com> Date: Sat, 6 Jun 2015 09:15:34 -0400 (EDT) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1552 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1552 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Sat, 06 Jun 2015 09:15:23 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1552 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1547 21 votes 04584 54633 04782 38451 24456 87330 17472 13566 43a22 13782 1547 3.1 mean 3.6 2.8 3.4 2.7 3.4 2.0 3.1 3.6 2.8 3.3 --- 1552-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He REALLY meant "Aspergers loophole", right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's pretty much a "double misunderestimation reaffirmation loss } failure grope fumble" much in the same way as when someone writes, } "looking through the wrong end of the tescalope," and then tescalope } gets autocorrected either to antelope or cantaloupe. Or both. } } You owe the Oracle something. Whatever. Make it a double. --- 1552-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm sure that I have three identical twin brothers who look just like > me and they do all the bad stuff that gets me in trouble. How can I > convince my parents and the police that I'm not stealing cars? I need > some identification that shows I'm not me. Please help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I told you that cloning yourself was a bad idea. } } I don't know if this will help, especially since your clones asked for } the same thing. But if anyone asks, you didn't get this from me. } } ____________________________________________________ } | | } | SUPPLICANT IDENTIFICATION CARD | } | | } | .-'& '-. Name: Not Me | } | / \ Address: Not there | } | : o o ; Date of birth: Undetermined | } | ( (_ ) Height: About yay high | } | : ; Weight: Average | } | \ __ / | } | `-._____.-' ID #: SSIDC8829166 | } | /`"""`\ | } | / , \ | } |____________________________________________________| } } You owe the Oracle the priest clones I ordered. --- 1552-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most benevolent and wise, is your patronus a cake or a corndog? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, do you know, I've never wondered before. Let's find out... } } Expecto Patro... wait a minute! } } To start with, "expecto patronum" is just Latin for "I want my daddy!", } and conjures up an invincible creature that protects the wizard/witch } from whatever danger s/he is facing. This clearly indicates some kind } of antiquated patriarchal set-up in the Harry Potter universe, where } the father figure is the male saviour figure, because clearly no woman } would ever be strong enough to save her child from certain death. } } On the other hand, J.K. Rowling was a single mother when writing this, } and must at least have been aware of the implications. Freud would have } had fun with this. So would Clement's grandfather, Sigmund. } } Anyway, back to the original question. } } Expecto ... Hang on! } } The older characters also have patronuses (patroni? patrons? whatever). } This implies that they are still tied to some kind of male saviour } figure, even after they have matured and outgrown the idea that their } parents are all-powerful beings who can protect them from the harsh } realities of the real world. The parallels with the Abrahamic } monotheistic religions are obvious, where a father figure can be } invoked by a spell or prayer to defend against the evils of the world. } } Right, where were we? } } Expec ... no, stop! } } Patronuses (I think that's the right plural) can only be conjured by } those who are able to evoke a particularly happy state. So, only those } who are confident and happy enough can actually guard themselves } against the dark forces? Firstly, that's a completely unjust system, } since those who probably need it the most can't produce one (although } that argument presupposes there's a controlling force behind the Harry } Potter universe). Secondly, why hasn't natural selection meant that all } wizards and witches are capable of producing patronuses? } } So, in conclusion, we have that the Harry Potter universe is } patriarchal, still tied to an out-dated religious concept, generally } cruel, and full of things that should have been wiped out by evolution } ages ago. Hmm, it's more realistic than I thought... } } What? Oh, yeah. The Oracle's patronus is a woodchuck. He doesn't like } to talk about it. } } You owe the Oracle a way of enjoying Harry Potter again. --- 1552-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've often wondered how Julius Caesar would do as a taxicab driver in > New York City in 1934. He'd already speak Italian, sort of, and could > probably pick up Yiddish and Brooklynese pretty fast. > > You will of course already know the answer to this and other perplexing > questions, so there will be no need for extensive research. But just in > case, if you happen to do research, don't forget to bring me along! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle's log, no stardate. For Zadoc and I, time does not exist. I made } the mistake of bringing a Supplicant back in time to take Julius Caesar } on a trip to 1934. Big mistake. Now, all Earth history has been } changed. Upon arriving in New York City in 1934, the Supplicant went on } a drinking bender and ran laughing into the night. In our attempt to } find him, we lost Caesar for a time. Fate, however, intervened and } whilst out looking for the Supplicant, we hailed a cab driven by the } Emperor Caesar himself. } } SCENE: New York City, 1934. Inside a taxi driving down Broadway. } } In the taxi; CAESAR driving, ZADOC and the ORACLE riding in back. } } ORACLE } } You have taken to the whole driving thing most } impressively Caesar. Many others would be afraid } for their lives. } } CAESAR } } Caesar shall forth: the things that threaten'd me } Ne'er look'd but on my back; when they shall see } The face of Caesar, they are vanished. } } ORACLE } } Here, here! Confidence is key... Hey! Whoa! } } The taxi swerves wildly to avoid a Brutus Delivery van weaving through } traffic. } } Wow! That guy almost hit us! We could've been killed. } You handle this thing like a chariot. Nice moves! } } CAESAR } } What can be avoided } Whose end is purposed by the mighty gods? } Yet Caesar shall go forth; for these predictions } Are to the world in general as to Caesar. } } ORACLE } } Are you saying you fear not death? } [Aside] See what I did there? } } CAESAR } } Cowards die many times before their deaths; } The valiant never taste of death but once. } Of all the wonders that I yet have heard. } It seems to me most strange that men should fear; } Seeing that death, a necessary end, } Will come when it will come. } } ORACLE } } Yeah, that's great Caesar. Say, Zadoc, you have } any sign of that Supplicant on your tricorder yet? } } ZADOC } } There are indications of an altercation taking } place at a tavern just up ahead there. There are } temporal signs associated with the readings. } } ORACLE } } Caesar! Pull over up here. } } SCENE: New York City, 1934. The corner of Broadway and 15th. } } ORACLE } } Caesar, stay with the taxi. Zadoc, come on! } } Upon reaching the tavern across the street and chair comes crashing out } of the window into the street, followed moments later by the } Supplicant. } } ORACLE } } You idiot! What do you think you're doing? } You do realize that all of time and space are } hanging in the balance over this escapade, } don't you? } } SUPPLICANT } } BUUURRRRP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Urg... } } The Supplicant wavers unsteadily as Zadoc and the Oracle support him. } } CAESAR } } How foolish do your fears seem now, Oracle?! } I am ashamed I did yield to them. } Give me my robe, for I will go. } } Caesar begins to cross the street to assist the Oracle. Unseen by the } emperor, another Brutus Delivery van is speeding down the street. } } CAESAR } } Good friends, go in, and taste some wine with me; } And we, like friends, will straightway go together. } } The Oracle sees Brutus charging down on Caesar and makes to rescue him. } The Supplicant, however, purposely sticks his foot out, tripping the } Oracle. As the Oracle falls, he just has time to see Brutus nearly atop } the emperor. } } CAESAR } } Et tu, Brute! Then fall, Caesar. } } Caesar is truck by the Brutus Delivery van. } } ORACLE } } You deliberately stopped me, Supplicant! } I could have saved him! Do you know what } you just did!? } } ZADOC } } He has no clue, Oracle. } } As Zadoc releases his support, the Supplicant slumps to the ground in a } drunken stupor. } } SCENE: Modern day alien landscape surrounded by roman-esque ruins. The } Oracle and Zadoc leap back out of the Guardian. } } OG } } What happen? You just leave. } } Supplicant leaps out of the Guardian. } } ZADOC } } We were successful. } } GUARDIAN } } Time has resumed... a shape. } Some things are as they were before. } Many such journeys are possible. } Let me be your gateway. } } SUPPLICANT } } You will, of course, already know my answer. } Dude, let's totally do another one! } That was so freakin' awesome! } } The Oracle reaches inside his cloak and slowly turns to face the } Supplicant, smiling. } } ORACLE } } You owe the Oracle... ZOT! --- 1552-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, here we are in the future. It isn't quite what I thought it would > be. Where is my personal helicopter? Or my backpack jet engine? Or time > travel? I WANT MY TIME TRAVEL AND I WANT IT YESTERDAY!!! > > Or can I at least have a present future that doesn't include Obama? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who's Obama? } } You owe the Oracle the autograph of President Keith. --- 1552-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me how to discover dinosours. I want to be the first person > to discover living dinosours they are maybe somewhere in affrica or > Germany because they aren't here how will I get to Affrica or maybe > Germanny I need to be back in time to get to school and announce my > discovery.Thankyou. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On the Internet, of course. You will recognize them as the only ones } still using Usenet for anything other than spam or pirating. } } You owe the oracle rhod - the revival. --- 1552-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are friends for? I gotta figure that out by next Wednesday. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excuses. } } Blame. } } Eliminating the need for enemies. --- 1552-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I stay or should I go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you go, there will be trouble, } But if you stay it will be double. } } So you should go, but write us a postcard. } } You owe the Oracle a Clash of opinions. --- 1552-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What time is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's time to answer another question from a supplicant, and I just } did, right on time! --- 1552-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One of the many advances of modern technology is... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ... landscape mode, for viewing portraits of people like you who do } not fit into portrait mode.