From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Wed Feb 11 09:43:17 2015 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-2x8MfSl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 3AD32101588; Wed, 11 Feb 2015 09:43:16 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1548 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20150211144316.3AD32101588@kinzler.com> Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2015 09:43:16 -0500 (EST) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1548 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1548 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2015 09:43:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1548 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1543 18 votes 14742 15570 02556 12546 54351 12924 53280 02772 36441 04752 1543 3.2 mean 3.1 3.0 3.8 3.7 2.6 3.3 2.7 3.5 2.7 3.3 --- 1548-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, I admit it. I am totally lost and confused. All did was head > down the street, and now everything is like a total blur. I turned > around to get back to my room, and the city became a pasture. How am > I supposed to deal with this? What happened to me? Help! Wait a > minute, if I'm still heading down the street, how am I typing the > message? This is impossi And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Sigh* I do wish you'd make proper use of the Manual. It explains all } of this rather simply. All you have to do is walk straight into the } pasture until you encounter Cornelius from Planet of the Apes sitting } down to tea. On the table is a vase of daffodils. Ask him for one. He } will give you one, and when you get up from the table (and do make sure } you've finished your tea first), the pasture will turn into the lobby } of the Badrutt's Palace Hotel in Zurich. Walk over to the check-in } counter and tell the clerk you've never had a social disease (even if } you have). He will jump up and down saying "WHOOP-WHOOP!" On the 125th } "WHOOP" slap him right in the face. Run screaming out of the hotel and } you will see a very befuddled looking robot holding a silver tea tray } with a cream-colored envelope addressed to you. Tip the robot (a } minimum of one dollar U.S. currency) and take the envelope. Inside you } will find an autographed picture of William Shatner and a train-station } locker key with the number 7429 on it. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! IT MUST } BE WILLIAM SHATNER AND NOT BELLA ABZUG OR ELSE YOU WILL HAVE TO START } OVER!!! Walk back into the Hotel, the interior of which will now have } turned into an unimaginably huge train station. Find locker #7429. This } may take you some time. All those train conductors and porters that } look like Gumby? They won't tell you where it is unless you give them } the autographed picture of Shatner. However, you're going to need that } later for a very important physical examination, so don't give it to } anyone! Once you have found locker 7429, use the key to open it. Inside } is a blue teddy bear. If it's purple instead of blue, just close the } door and open it a few times until it's blue. Take the blue teddy bear } and begin walking in any direction until you see a little girl who's } crying. Give her the teddy bear. She will stop crying, smile and say, } "Right this way!" She will lead you into a waiting room with several } patients reading old magazines and Barry Manilow music piped in over } small loudspeakers. Sit down. There will be several magazines. Make } sure you ONLY pick up the January 17, 1979 issue of "Family Circle". } Once you get to the brownie recipe and the scratch-n-sniff ad for } Chanel No. 562 (don't bother to sniff. Too old), a doctor in a white } coat, coke-bottle glasses, and very heavy German accent will come and } get you. In the examination room, he will bend you over, put on a } rubber glove and, unless you're very keen on rectal examinations, hand } him the autographed picture of William Shatner. The blurryness will } return for a second, you'll find yourself back on the street where you } started, and a cab will stop in front of you. If the driver is David } Johansen RUN LIKE HELL!!!! You want Julia Child, NOT David Johansen!!! } I cannot stress that enough! If you accept a ride from David Johansen, } the repercussions for your future career will be dire unless your name } is Bill Murray or Bella Abzug!!!! --- 1548-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVS Gmail The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just got an email from a pizza place advertising "Big Game > Specials." I didn't know that was allowed. Are they talking about > elk pizza or bear pizza? Just what is going on here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You misunderstood. "Big game" refers to a game with players, like } tiddlywinks or backgammon. The game your pizza people are using is } chess, because it's sort of like cheese, only spelt differently. Their } innovation is to use a round chessboard, approximately four feet in } diameter. It is a big game, by the usual chess standards. Big pizza, } too. } } You owe the Bear, who is actually not Catholic, some kosher pizza. } (It's hard to find, but it is available in New York, of course.) The } Pope, who is not in the woods right now, and who is already in Italy } (more or less), and who really is Catholic, can go find his own pizza. } } You owe the Oracle a rhetorical discussion of the Catholics versus the } Jesuits, with respect to the Papacy and pizza. --- 1548-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Uh oh. If that's you, then who is J. Featherstone Reagan III? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, that's the problem. There are two classes of important fictional } characters: Those who bear the middle initial W, like Feengrobble W. } Cuedropper (not to overlook or misunderestimate George W. Bush), and } those with the initial initial of J. Among the latter are J. Random } Supplicant (yourself), and J. Featherstone Reagan III. In his case the } J is overpowered by the III, which gives him some sort of je ne sais } quoi. } } Now I know you will be asking, "How can an overly omniscient oracle } even pronounce the words 'je ne sais quoi' which bear the meaning of } not knowing? In French, even?" } } It would be trite and incorrect of me to answer, "Je ne sais quoi." } Besides, how could I possibly know whether or not you understand } French? It's a rather mystifying language. Furthermore I would be } insulting myself. So forget I ever said, "Je ne sais quoi." Because in } truth I do know. That's the truth, and I swear it on this here photo of } my Aunt Del's pharmaceutical dispensary. Be careful of that photo, the } paper gives off funny fumes sometimes. I also took some more photos of } the girls who help Aunt Del, "Auntie's Del-Phis" but the weren't } developed. --- 1548-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is an egg. This is a frying pan. > > This is an egg frying in a frying pan. > > Any questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dearest supplicant, } } Is the pan non-stick or cast-iron? } } Is the egg free-range or organic? } } Was the feed for said chickens locally grown or imported from overseas? } } And, if there are chemically-pumped super chickens on the premises, is } it the doing of Big Pharma or Big Farm? } } You owe the Oracle nothing short of one game of Scrabble. --- 1548-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #YouAreIt And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } #2Fab4U } } You owe the Oracle a Tweet. --- 1548-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The correction fluid works! The question is now correct! --- 1548-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I ask you a lot of stupid questions, as most of the other supplicants > probably do. Have you ever gotten any smart questions? Even just one? > What was it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 1548-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just trying to fine-tune the apple vs. doctor stuff. You've been a > great help. What I'm trying to do now is to encourage doctors who are > rather like Tom Baker (the Scarf Doctor), but to avoid utterly anyone > like Peter Davison, the odious Celery Doctor. I'm certain that > particular varieties of apples will do the trick. > > I was thinking that certain old-fashioned American varieties, such as > the Blue Pearmain or the Baldwin would be best, but I've not located a > good source of supply. Additionally (and moreover) it's a bit hard to > tell which will serve as repellents--the usual action--and which as > attractors, and for which doctors. > > I'm so thankful for your extremely utmost Omniscience, which you wield > much more precisely than your (admittedly) haphazard ZOT. Thank you for > always pointing in the right direction. (I'm over here to your left.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Baldwin will keep musicians (except pianists) away, but has no } effect on doctors. Blue Pearmain? You gotta be kidding. It's too close } To Adam's Pearmain Apple and not even your Oracle will stoop to } a pun that low. You could try Doctor Harvey or Doctor Matthews, but } I wouldn't have much hope for those. Dog's snout might work, if the } particular doctor is afraid of dogs. Let's see...Lady in Red, Leather } Coat, Wealthy, Pacific Beauty, Pink Princess would probably attract } doctors. } } Let's face it. There are a lot of varieties of apples. It doesn't seem } that any of them would repel doctors very well. Wait a minute, wait a } minute. How about a Taylor apple? } } You owe the Oracle a ticket to the CMA Awards. --- 1548-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is gawd? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, the Gnu Awkward Daemon! } } That is the supplicant simulator I use to train new } incarnations before letting them loose on real questions! } } You owe the Oracle the source code. --- 1548-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help. Save me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm using emacs right now. ^x^s } } There, you are saved. } } Oh, you wanted help, too. That'll be ^ha, apropos what? } } Also, for a good time, use M-x display-time