From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Fri Aug 29 11:37:16 2014 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-r32KaQl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 4589D1006F2; Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:37:16 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1540 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20140829153716.4589D1006F2@kinzler.com> Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:37:16 -0400 (EDT) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1540 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1540 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:37:05 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1540 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1535 18 votes 23481 02574 04932 13554 21681 08631 15570 51741 03834 26811 1535 3.1 mean 3.2 3.7 3.2 3.4 3.3 2.8 3.0 2.7 3.4 2.6 --- 1540-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVS Gmail The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who finally is master of his own domain, > > What other addresses can I talk to on internetoracle.org? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why don't you simply try some possible ones? Lisa already told me she's } rejecting mail from most of the supplicants. Zadoc whines that he } hasn't gotten any, but he's the one who set up the server, and I think } he spelled his own name wrong. Try adding an extra z or two, randomly. --- 1540-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I going to get another question centered around misspellings and > homophones? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. You are a supplicant. Supplicants SEND ME questions. Incarnations } are the ones who have the responsibility of attaching my answers to the } correct questions. } } Just last week I sent ONE incarnation FIVE questions containing } EIGHTEEN misspellings and SEVEN homophones. He handled the homophones } very badly, thinking they wanted to get married. He missed seeing } sixteen of the misspellings, and placed each answer one position off } from the question to which it belonged. The result was, to my } incredible delight, five supplicants who were fully bewildered, and } nearly (but not completely) ready to give up asking stupid, badly } spelled and homophonic questions. } } You owe the Oracle some sort of literary creation in which you make } onomatopoeia sound as if it were vaguely obscene. --- 1540-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Puppy dogs! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Live as puppies do ! Like everything is a big adventure. } And if you get in a stressful situation, if you can't eat and/or play } with it. } Pee on it and walk away ! --- 1540-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grandiose and Phlogisticated Oracle, I have sleep disorders, and am > awake at night and vice-versa. Unfrotunately I asked about this from > you or somewhere and wrote "sheep" where I meant "sleep". I was pulling > the wool over my own eyes. The medication has cured me of worms > (haemonchus contortus) that I didn't have but I still am counting > sleep. I mean sheep. All night. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, no obvious question here, and what does phlogisticated mean } anyway? Oh, I see. Several of my enemies have described me as a waste } of oxygen, so that makes sense, I suppose. } } Also, how can you be night at awake? Oh, maybe you could be like Sir } Terry Wogan at a funeral, although what that means is anyone's guess. } } So, from your non-question it appears that you want to get to sleep. } } Recommended movies for this are: } Zzzzzoolander } } Night in the Museum: Look, just because I'm an insomniac, doesn't mean } I have to be a security guard, okay? } } The Lord of the Rings trilogy might be useful: } The Fall-asleep of the Ring } The Two Torpors } Return of the Waking } } Doze of our Lives } } The Legend of Zzzzzoro } } I Know What You Did Last Slumber } } Catnap on a Hot Tin Roof } } Men in Black-out. } } Bring me the Bed of Alfredo Garcia } } And finally, for when you do get to sleep, Zulu has been remade as: } Zzzzzzz, oh now you need the loo. } } You owe the Oracle a good night's sleep. --- 1540-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I ordered both EXTRA CHEESE and EXTRA CRUNCHY. Did you know that extra > crunchy cheese is a poor choice? It's not as bad as the imitation vomit > covered pistachio shells that I refused to eat, or the Indiana Jones > live eels that were thankfully never an option, and I did manage to eat > all of the extra crunchy cheese. Still don't know why it crunched. > > What's the worst food an Oracle has to eat, as on some fancy occasion? > Prince Charles had to eat snails eyeballs or something, and was heard > to mutter, "The things I do for England." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc's cooking? I mean, the guy means well, but by the time he's } grovelled before me for 15 minutes, the pasta's boiled over, so he has } to apologise for that for 20 minutes, so the custard congeals into } something I wouldn't give to a sick cat. } } That's not really fair, though. Most of the time the gifts supplicants } send me are sufficient to keep me going, although that's mostly just } because the stuff would go off otherwise. Obviously I have supplicants } from around the world, some with very odd ideas of what constitutes } food (although, admittedly, any culture's idea of food is probably } weird to some culture somewhere). So, without further ado, I give you a } little ditty called "Food, Supplicants' Food": } } Food, supplicants' food! } Hot bulls' blood and Milk Duds! } To refuse would be rude, } Cold fugu and sea-weed! } Ugali and Nattos! } I got paid what from this question?! } I feed this to the priests as well; } Stops dissension! } } Food, supplicants' food! } It's best if you fry it. } Pecorino Sardo --- } Best not to chew it! } Just picture bats on a stick -- } Flies, toasted or brewed } Oh, food, } Appalling food, } Disgusting food, } Foul-tasting food. } } Food, supplicants' food! } Anyone for Vieux Boulogne? } Coffee that's been pooed -- } Does anyone want some? } Smalahove's up for dessert! } Some Nantaimori? } Piled durian and spleen, just } Stinking high! } } You owe the Oracle some money so he can do his own shopping next time. --- 1540-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think I was confused about "red herring" versus "blue heron" but the > other side was far more comfortable. Or did I mean the other size? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd like that; it isn't easy going green. --- 1540-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is http so horrible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Otherwise it would just be ttp. --- 1540-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > New Evidence!!! The words "birth" and "truth" both end with th. So also > does "with." We can now be sure that the cover-up about 0bama is a lie > and the eventual exposure of records, 45 RPM, not old 78s, will tell us > what we always wanted to hear!!!!! How can we get this thing > overexposed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To expose it, just bring it out in the open. } } To overexpose it, just bring it out in the open in a bright orange } bikini; people always ignore that part. --- 1540-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I appreciate the postcard, but next time, may I have a candy bar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have considered your business plan, and compared it to a whiskey bar. } } Pro: } * More convenient opening hours, won't have to work all night all } weekends. } * Clientele will probably act in a more grown up manner. } * Less competition. } } Con: } * Less profit margin. (Who would want to pay $10-$20 for a candy?) } * Clientele dependent on parents' wallet and permission. } * Way worse muzak. } } All in all, since most of the pros will benefit the barkeep (not me) } and most of the cons will hurt the investor (me), I have decided to } put my money somewhere else. } } You owe the Oracle a high yield. --- 1540-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVS Gmail The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wasn't expecting any surprises! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Oracle loads entire Spanish Inquisition into his trebuchet.]