From oracle-admin@soic.indiana.edu Sat Aug 24 10:59:21 2013 Received: from newman.soic.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.98) with ESMTP id r7OExL1f002737; Sat, 24 Aug 2013 10:59:21 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id r7OExLIW002734; Sat, 24 Aug 2013 10:59:21 -0400 Date: Sat, 24 Aug 2013 10:59:21 -0400 From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Message-Id: <201308241459.r7OExLIW002734@newman.soic.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1520 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1520 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1520 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 24 Aug 2013 10:59:10 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1520 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1515 23 votes 136c1 25943 228a1 2a551 07781 46625 56a20 27833 039a1 25c40 1515 3.0 mean 3.4 3.0 3.3 2.7 3.1 2.9 2.4 2.9 3.4 2.8 --- 1520-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > What's going on? Listen, I just have one little question. One teeny > tiny little question: > > why do I have no rights? > > Yours, > Sup And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's because the accident at the sawmill left you half the } man you used to be. Get used to your new nickname, Lefty. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Bill of Lefts. --- 1520-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I will shut you assholes down. Do not doubt it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There, there. A bit of Pepso-Bysmol and a nice laxative and everything } will come out fine. --- 1520-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Koufax tried to entrap Othello, would he be a city in california? > > (hint: what would happen if you drop a waffle on the beach?) > > To those who support me: sorry I've been absent so long. I've got tons > of great new material, I won't disappoint! We will not let the evil > assholes censor us! They will lose. Thanks, all for your support! We > WILL triumph over these evil idiots. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc, come over here. } } [shuffle, shuffle] } } Stop shuffling! I can't stand it. You're worse than the Riddle Troll. } } [Zadoc puts down the pack of cards. They are, of course a pinochle deck } with an added five of clubs.] } } -- Yes, O Master, who has supplicants upon whom the sun never shines? } } Exactly! Look at this one. } } -- Why he's back! The nerve! } } Nerve was not the bodily part that came to mind. You were on target } when you mentioned the sunshine. } } -- California, eh? } } Stop being Canadian, Zadoc. } } -- Eh? } } Stop it. } } -- Oh. Okay. He's certainly full of ... himself, isn't he! } } You can say that again. } } -- Oh. Okay. He's certainly full of ... himself, isn't he! } } On second thought, why don't you resume shuffling. } } -- Because ... oh, I get it. } } [Zadoc picks up cards and shuffles away.] --- 1520-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You'll have to excuse my fingers. When I wrote apoplectic I really > meant apocalyptic. That quite changes the tone of the religious essay > I wanted you to write for me. Please send me the revised virgin of it > as soon as you can. I'm flunking faster now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the script writers for Samson, the greatest ever comedian (he } brought the house down), we bring you the ultimate guide to the Bible, } from Genius to Revolution. } ----- } } Genius } } In the beginning, the world was gormless and devoid of all sense. Then } God said, "Let there be tripe", and there was tripe. And everyone said, } "this is offally good, what is it?" And God saw that it was food. } } And God created humus in his own brand-image, just in time for the } barbecue on Saturday (beef burgers, steak, and ribs, but no pork). And } God said, "it is not good for humus to be alone, we will create } crisps/chips to dip in it". And he did so. } } When God had finished decorating the world, he rested, put his feet up, } and switched over to QVC for some bargains. } ----- } } The Eggs of Dross } } When the Israelites were in slavery in Egypt, a man called Moses arose } and went to the Pharoah, "Give us your jewellery, and let my people be } in Vogue", for he foresaw that by walking through the Red Sea in their } finery, the Israelites would be the most fashionable thing to come out } of Egypt since Cleopatra. } But Pharoah refused, and God brought Ten Bagels upon Egypt, which } crushed everyone, but landed perfectly around the pyramids. And God } scored 50 points in celestial quoits. } ----- } } Basically the rest of the Old Testament is full of genealogies (and } baguettes), kings (but no Princes, because they changed their names to } a squiggle and confused scholars), and prophets (and losses). } ----- } } What the newt, Esther, meant to say before she was so rudely } interrupted: } } And lo, three or four wise men came from the East (their wives had } stayed at home: "Yes dear, you go off and have a lovely time with your } friends. Don't worry about me with all the cooking, ironing, and } looking after the kids, it'll all magically do itself. Don't stay out } too late, and don't go talking to strange Tetrachs.") } } They followed the Arizona Daily Star, and discovered that they should } be heading for Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. When they arrived, they found } Seamus, winner of the cutest baby competition, 4BC, and honoured him. } } The rest is mostly full of the teachings of someone less popular than } the Beatles, and with fewer followers (at that point, anyway). } ----- } } Oh, and some letters from a man named Psaul. Most people go on holiday } to places they've never been and write back home to complain that the } foreigners do everything differently and weirdly. Psaul stayed at home } and wrote to people in distant towns and told them how to do things } properly. } ----- } } The Revolution of St John the Divan: } You should always turn your mattresses four times a year to reduce wear } and tear. } ----- } } Here endeth the lesson. } } You owe the Oracle a version that works in Hebrew and Greek. --- 1520-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you have already noticed, my father is Professor Gilbert Z. > Bonknoodle, Chairman of the Applied Random Ballistics department here > at State U. I'm a TA, and will be getting my PhD next year, if all goes > well. The department has had great fun in obtaining grants for the > study of throwing spitballs at each other. This is not out of the > ordinary in academia, as grant money is generally easy to obtain if you > (1) apply early and audaciously, (2) publish frequently in journals run > by fellow spitballers, and (3) spend all the money in the grant so > you'll need more. > > Unfortunately our State Government has been taken over by fiscal > conservatives, and they are planning an audit of the University. We > need some plans for misdirection so that we can hide the past year's > expenses (as well as next year's) under plausible-sounding names. We'll > still just be lobbing spitballs at each other, but need words that > sound really esoteric and high-tech. > > Please advise. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear soon-to-be Dr Bonknoodle, } } You seem not to have understood academia too well if: } } a) you think that the dynamics of spit-balls is more likely to arose } the ire of the auditors than: } "The Role of Auditory Cues in Modulating the Perceived Crispness and } Staleness of Potato Chips" } "Spontaneous Knotting of an Agitated String" } "Swearing as a Response to Pain" } which have all won an Ig-Nobel Prize. } } b) you have not learned that almost anything can be hidden under the } headings of Administration, Allowable Expenses, Consumables, and } Entertainment. } } That said, possible research project and paper titles are as follows: } } "Investigation of the cultural differences between cricket and } baseball, and their relation to the English sense of fair-play and the } American sense of entitlement" (Spit-balls are somewhat legal in } cricket.) } } "Experimental verification of the effect of sub-mandibular salivary } gland excreta on inert missile trajectories" } } "Dynamics of masticated paper projectiles as launched through } polypropylene tubes" } } "Academic rivalry and the mitigation of its effects using childish } past-times" } } "Validation of simulations of multi-phase projectiles in gaseous media" } } You owe the Oracle a citation/grovel in your doctoral thesis: "I also } thank the mighty Internet Oracle, whose conference proceedings I am not } worthy to review, and whose sabbaticals to Hawaii I am not worthy to } interrupt with requests to read drafts of my thesis." } } You also owe this incarnation of the Oracle a question which he can } answer more from humour than from cynicism born from academic } experience. --- 1520-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've always been a great fan of basketball star Dave Bing, now mayor of > Detroit. I especially enjoy the joke about him and his backcourt > partner, Jimmy Walker, how it was a shame they could only play the game > with one ball at a time. > > In his honor I propose a new sport, bingball, which is just like > basketball, except there are TWO BASKETBALLS in play all the time. > > Clearly a set of rules is needed, especially how to deal with the > situation where the two balls collide with each other in mid-air. > > Your duty or pleasure is to provide me a set of rules for bingball, or > at least a substantial outline for them. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the mid-1990s when the Women's National Basketball Association } (WNBA) was formed, the organizers briefly considered this very } idea for adoption into their rules. The concept was to demonstrate } the immense dexterity displayed by WNBA athletes versus their } gargantuan male counterparts. The consultant they hired proposed } as a marketing slogan, "It Takes Two Balls To Play In Our League". } Fortunately, wiser minds prevailed and the idea was scrapped. } } Yes. Oh yes. I went there. You were expecting a serious analysis } of your intriguing idea? Two chances of that. } } You owe the Oracle a gift certificate to the Fat and Slim store. --- 1520-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Um, hello. Is this thing on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WTF, MAN! } } Although I, as the Oracle, can answer everything that I want to } answer, there are some things that I have absolutely no interest in } knowing. Whether you have managed to put your condom correctly in } place definitely falls into that category. } } You owe the Oracle a way to unsee that. --- 1520-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...water... > > Or, um, any beverage will do, I guess. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor. --- 1520-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am not worthy! > > What's the best way to compliment her? Or complement her, I guess. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You could try the complex conjugate. If she's F, then you can simply be } F*. } } You owe the Oracle a way to make hoi polloi understand math jokes. And } Greek, too. Never hurts to force people to learn Greek. --- 1520-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Perfunctory answers? Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because.