From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jun 18 08:54:27 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q5ICsRWN023328; Mon, 18 Jun 2012 08:54:27 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q5ICsRkq023325; Mon, 18 Jun 2012 08:54:27 -0400 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2012 08:54:27 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201206181254.q5ICsRkq023325@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1500 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1500 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1500 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2012 08:54:16 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1500 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1495 24 votes 1a445 22992 46743 43b51 67812 65724 69720 24b43 3c351 58533 1495 2.8 mean 3.1 3.3 2.8 2.8 2.4 2.7 2.2 3.1 2.5 2.6 --- 1500-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > May I see your artistic license and registration, please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why soitenly, ossifer. } } ---------------------------------------------------- } | ARTISTIC LICENSE | } | State of Indiana | } | | } | Name: T. Internet Oracle | } | Date of Birth: Aeons ago | } | Residence address: IU Campus (just ask around) | } | | } | Additional licenses registered: Dramatic, Poetic | } | | } | Memes Granted: ADV Adventure game program | } | INJ Lisa and other In-Jokes | } | MPY Monty Python | } | NHK Nethack | } | STR Star Trek / Star Wars | } | YOT You Owe The Oracle | } | ZOT Staff of *ZOT* | } | Restrictions: ELP English language primarily | } | OLU Online use only | } | RHO No rhyming with "orange" | } | | } | Expiration date: 6/31/2012 Renewable: Yes | } ---------------------------------------------------- } } Look, if this is about that El Caro response in the recent } Digest, I can explain. Well, no, I can't, but it won't } happen again. Though it's certainly covered by my license, } since it was mainly English and not really Spanish at all. } } I know, I know, my disbelief was suspended long ago. But } that doesn't affect what I like to call this license to ill. } } Yes, I know there is no 31st of June. What? Yes, obviously, } I didn't get this license from any official source - I put } it together myself, duh, and I'm not going to spell out the } details of how I did it. Which part of "artistic license" } are you not getting? Can I just be moving along now? You } have no idea how angry I can get when I'm writing drunk. } Oops, probably shouldn't have said that. } } You owe the Oracle the number of a good WUI lawyer. --- 1500-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pardon the repeat, but I think you're pulling my leg. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not at all. If elected, I will: } } - bring the budget into balance while cutting taxes and } investing in job-creating infrastructure; } } - increase retirement and health benefits while adding } oversight over unneeded expenditures and reducing } payroll deductions; } } - trim military spending while taking an exceptionalist } stance versus our enemies and restoring our standing } with allies; } } - reduce spiraling prison costs while getting tough on } violent crime and increasing the penalties for drug use; } } - cut illegitimate births while eliminating subsidies for } abortion and for contraception; } } - increase personal freedom while supporting faith-based } initiatives and de-funding our failing public schools; } } - support the little guy at last while deregulating big } business and eliminating limits on campaign donations. } } In January, of course, I reserve the right to re-evaluate } each of these policies based upon changing conditions. } } You owe the Oracle your vote. --- 1500-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Instead of the Apocrypha, my seminary teacher says we should be > studying the cannon. Were they even invented yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Apparently you never heard of the Cannon Fodder, Son, } and Holy Ghost. } } You owe the Oracle an apocryphal story. --- 1500-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, he's making empty threats again. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you don't stop sending me these questionless } mails, I'll send my _______ so far up your _____ } you'll be _____ing ____s for a week. } } You owe the Oracle a ___ and an _________________. --- 1500-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know, I was thinking about that stuff, and well, people always, are > like, whatever. Really bugs me. You know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It doesn't get any better, either, when they grow out } of their teens, does it? Just today, I saw this in a } company prospectus: } } Our mission is to effectively maintain digital } market-driven factors while continuing to perceptively } leverage users' high impact catalysts. We commit } ourselves to professionally support our key quality } use cases by globally personalizing users' legal } materials. We are dedicated to ethically comprise } users' mission critical strategic data. } } They might as well have just used the Teenager's } Mission Statement you provided, above. } } You owe the Oracle a comprehensively prioritized } performance framework. --- 1500-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most Sober and Properly Hydrated, pray tell me and enlighten > me: > > In restaurants and bars, why are all drinks other than beer > sold in such small portions? When I am the designated driver, > I need to spend almost twice as much as the others just to supply > enough water to my system. I once asked for a half-litre cola > (that's about 1 pint for any incarnations who still live in the > dark ages) and got charged for two quarter-liter ones, which was > as expensive as three half-liter Heinekens. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Drinkers do not worry about the price or number of their drinks. They } are supposedly drinking to get drunk. You teetotalling freeloaders } think that just because you are not getting drunk, you should be exempt } from paying lots of money for the privilege of being at the bar? } } You owe the Oracle a Bloody Mary, a Virgin Mary and a Hail Mary. --- 1500-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you shah? Sultanly! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a nice grovel; it's very baig of you. --- 1500-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A long time ago, in a University of Indiana far, far away, I asked you > about "overcats wheather" with that exact spelling. If I am not > dismally mistaken, you replied about overcast weather instead, > probably because I was disinclined to grovel, thus making you > irritated and disinclined to read carefully. > > Well, now I am grovelling. I have buried my ears in chocolate pudding, > and am trying to inhale lutefisk through my left nostril. (You may > lick the chocolate pudding off my ears, but I cannot recommend the > lutefisk. It's only good for making lutefisk jokes in Minnesota.) > > So please explain to me better about the "overcats wheather" (spelled > exactly thusly). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I can't believe you waste your time. Grovelling is only for dumb } questions, as otherwise I wouldn't be interested in them. } } Gee, thanks for the paradox. } } Besides, any decent nerd would have taken you literally to teach you a } lesson, not show off his proofreading skills. Some of my incarnations } are seriously overpaid. } } Anyway, overcats weather is the opposite of underdogs' weather, in } which rain flies through the sky to save the less fortunate, barking } while it does that. You figure out the rest; it's easier to understand } than to explain. } } You owe the Oracle some hysterical fiction. --- 1500-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between Republicans and Democrats? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At the end of the debate, one's right and leaves, and the other's left. --- 1500-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Voitch! All our balustrades are banisters. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dr. David Banister: architect; carpenter. Searching for a way to tap } into the handrails that all humans use. Then an accidental overdose of } voitch radiation alters his body chemistry. And now when David Banister } grows angry or outraged by architectural design elements, a startling } metamorphosis occurs. The creature is wanted for a handrail remodel he } didn't commit. David Banister is believed to be dead, and he must let } the world think that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the } raging balustrades that dwell around him. } } Excelsior! } } You owe the Oracle a funny, festive foyer.