From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Apr 4 09:07:15 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q34D7F6u019806; Wed, 4 Apr 2012 09:07:15 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q34D7FiM019803; Wed, 4 Apr 2012 09:07:15 -0400 Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2012 09:07:15 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201204041307.q34D7FiM019803@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1496 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1496 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1496 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 04 Apr 2012 09:07:03 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1496 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1491 26 votes 13949 24677 016a9 09a70 53972 1c562 28862 38c12 38546 28286 1491 3.2 mean 3.7 3.5 4.0 2.9 2.9 2.8 2.9 2.7 3.1 3.3 --- 1496-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I agree with Kirk Cameron. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And a good thing. He agrees with himself. } } Pity he's wrong. --- 1496-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You failed again! I sent you a badly worded questoin on the hope that > you would misundeerstand it. > > You completely failed to misunderstand me. Instead, because of > misunderestimation on my part, I am lost here in the Sea++ of Java, > diving without hope for perls and finding pythongs instead. > > ++ Fortnote: It's not so bad. I live here in a sharp little flat, see? > > Anyway, there is a rat here. What's a ratfor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } using Oracle; } using Oracle.Questions.IO; } } public class ParseQuestion { } public static void Main(string [] args) { } string question; } if (question == "") } wittyNullAnswer(question); } try { } if (IsQuestionValid()) { } string grovel = Grovel.Parse(question); } string answer = Convert.ToSupplicant(WiseOracularAnswer); } int time = timeSpent(Supplicant); } string payment = Convert.ToSupplicant(OraclePayment } (WiseOracularAnswer, time, grovel)); } } } } } catch(Exception ex) { } Message.Show(ex.Message + "\n\n" + ex.GetType().ToString() + } ex.StackTrace, "Exception"); } } } } public bool IsQuestionValid() { } // Validate supplicant question } return } IsNotWoodchuck(question, "Woodchuck Error")) && } IsCoherent(question, "Supplicant Error")) && } IsUnderstood(question, "Understanding Error")); } } } } public bool IsNotWoodchuck(string question, string msg) { } try { } Woodchuck.Parse(question); } return true; } } } catch(QuestionException) { } Message.Show(msg + "! Woodchuck fault. Question dumped.", } "Vermin Error"); } return false; } } } } public bool IsCoherent(string question, string msg) { } try { } Sentience.Parse(question); } return true; } } } catch(QuestionException) { } Message.Show(msg + "! What are you on? The Oracle does not speak } gibberish.", "Coherence Error"); } return false; } } } } public bool IsUnderstood(string question, string msg) { } try { } Understand.Parse(question); } return false; } } } catch(QuestionException) { } Message.Show(msg + "! I'm sorry, can you repeat the question?", } "Misunderstanding"); } return true; } } } } ParseQuestion #QYUHpEk } ... } } Exception } } Unclassified Exception. } The Oracle has failed to misunderstand the question. } } Supplicant.Question.Exception } at IsUnderstood.Parse(Object sender, EventArgs e) in } ParseQuestion:line 58 } } Partial payment dump: } } 3A 0A 0A 59 6F 75 20 6F 77 65 20 74 68 65 20 | :..You owe the } 4F 72 61 63 6C 65 20 61 20 64 65 76 65 6C 6F | Oracle a develo } 70 65 72 20 77 68 6F 20 75 6E 64 65 72 73 74 | per who underst } 61 6E 64 73 20 6D 69 73 75 6E 64 65 72 73 74 | ands misunderst } 61 6E 64 69 6E 67 73 2E 0A | andings.. --- 1496-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What cuold possibly go wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The priests could make a mistake and digest the riddle/diarrhea/sermon } troll again. } } You owe the Oracle some optimism. --- 1496-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I ordered some carb cleaner from Serious Drawback, but I live in > Maryland, so my spell checker automatically changed it to "crab > cleaner" without even asking me. The lawnmower still does not work, > but the pot of boiled crabs is squeaky clean, except for a faint smell > of gasoline. Would you like some nice crab chowder? It's not half bad. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's try it flambe'. I'll stand way over here. --- 1496-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry. One question per submission, please. This includes } null questions. } } You owe the Oracle a . --- 1496-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did you wish me luck? It was not a matter of luck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What I meant was "Rotsa ruck" which is an ironical statement suggesting } that no luck at all is involved when there is a foregone conclusion } that you will fail. } } You owe the Oracle a video. } } No, on second thought you don't. The Oracle has seen the future, and } doesn't want to again. --- 1496-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood could a woodchuck throw at his grandmother if a > woodchuck were so inclined, assuming that each piece of wood weighed 2 > kilograms, and compensating for air resistance and gravitational pull? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You do not need an inclined woodchuck. This is a problem in mechanics, } so you need the Inclined Plane instead. } } Get into the inclined plane. You will notice how it's tilted to the } left, suggesting it does not have a good grasp on applied mathematics. } In particular, it insists you buy fuel for all the other planes before } you can take off. No matter, it's just money, and it says that you have } too much anyway. } } So you start the engine, and notice the rather rough sound. You move } down the runway, increasing the throttle and pulling back on the stick. } Flaps down, right? Or dear, you had better have the left flaps down a } bit more than the right, to compensate for the incline to the left. And } you might need some rudder, but not too soon, because it controls the } wheels. No rudder until after liftoff. MORE THROTTLE! Listen to the } engine sounding as if it's fuel-starved. You did check the tanks on } your walk-around? YOU DID DO A WALKAROUND BEFORE CLIMBING ABOARD? } } As you crash into the forest at the end of the runway you see a small } crowd of marmots in the judging stand. One of them is waving an "11.3" } sign. You got a very high score. } } Now as you gaze down from the Cockpit Invisible in the Vast & Eternal } Heavens, you can see that the marmots have built a wood-chucking tower } in your honour, and that they are casting the remains of the broken } trees, your broken and still-inclined plane, and portions of your } former body from the tower. Even the grandmother marmots are doing this. } One of the grandmother marmots just threw your left shoe. You feel } proud, humbled, chastised, and rather incorporeal. } } You owe the Oracle many fewer marmots. --- 1496-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who cuts through red tape as if it were... tape. > > According to the IRS, "Certain whaling captains may be able to deduct > expenses paid in 2011 for Native Alaskan subsistence bowhead whale > hunting activities. See Pub. 526 for details." Can I deduct the cost > of buying Moby Dick? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly! } } All one has to do is register as a whaling captain (letter of the law, } and all that). This is fairly simple; just buy a whaling boat, and the } whaling captain registration is free (in certain jurisdictions; } postage and taxes may apply). } } To make sure the IRS doesn't view this as a tax dodge, you'll need to } hire out a crew. } } The crew will expect to get paid on a fairly regular basis, so they'll } need to, you know, do some actual whaling. } } You'll have to accompany them - not only is it expected, but you have } to keep an eye on your investment. That, and you can't really be a } captain of a ship if you've never stepped on board, can you? } } Once you kill your first whale, it becomes a little easier after that. } Soon you'll get used to it, and view the whales as vicious, cruel, and } out to get you. So, obviously, they deserve to be hunted down. } } Whaling is pretty dangerous work. Anything out on the open seas is } incredibly dangerous, in fact. It might not happen your first trip } out, or even your fifteenth, but eventually you'll be out whaling and } you'll get into an accident, and you'll get back to shore, but the } doctors will say that it's been too long, and they'll have to } amputate. } } Now you'll be mighty mad at the whale that did this to you, and, } rather than take responsibility for your own failures, you'll charter } a new expedition to hunt down and kill that whale that cost you your } [arm | leg | eyetooth]. } } The next thing you know, you'll have the whale in sight, but at the } critical moment, the harpoon will miss. So blinded with revenge, } you'll reach down to clear the line, only to have it wrap around you } and pull you beneath the waves. } } So, on second thought: no, you really shouldn't. } } You owe the Oracle a version of Moby Dick without all the boring } chapters (which, admittedly, make up most of the book). --- 1496-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We all know of games you can play by e-mail; are there any you can play > by voice mail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Various traditional games have been tried. But it's } kind of annoying to come home from work and check your } messages, and find out that you could have yelled BINGO } earlier in the day. Poker is likewise difficult to } play well, because after several rounds of betting you } learn that your opponents all had royal flushes plus } five side aces and you can't really dispute it, and if } you are playing the strip variant, you find yourself } sitting alone in your kitchen wearing nothing but } your tattoos. Chess works about as well as in real } life, but then it's boring in real life too. } } It's a little-told story that Don Woods and Willie } Crowther developed the original Adventure computer } game via a series of phone messages. The project } nearly ground to a halt, however, during the testing } phase, after a series of one hundred messages that } said "YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY LITTLE PASSAGES, } ALL ALIKE." } } Really, the only game that has proved to work well } via voice mail, and be popular through the years, is } Breakup. } } "Brenda, we need to talk. Call me." } "Hi Sweetie, sorry I missed your call, guess I had } the ringtone muted. We're still on for tonight } though, right?" } "Brenda, please pick up the phone. I really need } to tell you something." } "Oops, Rick, guess I was in the bathroom or } something. Hey, it's almost 6:30, shouldn't you } be here by now?" } "Brenda, I don't know how I keep missing you. } Please, don't make this harder, call me right } back." } "Hi Rick, I'm down in the lobby now, where are } you??? You know how my therapist says I need } someone I can rely on." } "Brenda, here's the problem: things are really } crazy at work, and I may need some time in the } evenings for the next several months to take } care of an important classified client. } Starting tonight." } } Seems like Brenda is on the verge of winning this } scrum; Rick's mounting a late comeback but I have } a feeling Brenda has a play or two in reserve. } } You owe the Oracle the phone number for Amarillo Slim. --- 1496-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, where's my friend that I met on here? At least, that's what he > called himself. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lois, I'm going to explain this to you again, very, very carefully. } } "A Friend" is what that man in the red cape and blue tights calls } himself. He flies around the world helping people, and then disappears } for hours or days at a time. } } That man is your colleague and fellow reporter, Clark Kent. He's } sitting right across from you. Wave hello. } } "But Clark wears glasses," you've protested on many occasions. "He } can't be Superman; how would he see?" } } The answer is, of course: contacts. } } Go ahead, study his jawline. Imagine him without the slouch. Doesn't } Clark seem a bit .. built, for a reporter? Does he ever make flimsy } excuses and dash for the nearest closet when things get a little } hairy? Have you ever seen Clark and Superman together? } } Repeat after me: Clark Kent is Superman. } } Now, if he thinks you're on to him, he'll try to fool you into } thinking otherwise. He'll come up with some method of appearing in the } same place as himself (through, for example, a shapeshifting friend or } hologram), constructing some elaborate alibi, or simply erasing your } memories. Do not be fooled! Make multiple copies of this email, } archive it, and post messages everywhere you can think of. } } That said, it's probably better if you keep this a secret. You already } get in enough trouble with local gangs, would-be despots, and world } threats as it is; if the underworld figures out that you know who } Superman is, you might as well slit your own throat and save everyone } a lot of hassle. So *keep quiet*. Your dad was in the military; you } should know the value of a well-kept secret. } } You owe the Oracle the secret identity of the Martian Manhunter.