From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jun 15 12:54:09 2011 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.93) with ESMTP id p5FGs9fC000710; Wed, 15 Jun 2011 12:54:09 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id p5FGs9f0000707; Wed, 15 Jun 2011 12:54:09 -0400 Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2011 12:54:09 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201106151654.p5FGs9f0000707@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1483 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1483 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1483 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2011 12:53:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1483 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1478 23 votes 25682 37652 24476 13b62 35474 35933 75614 26924 13649 28553 1478 3.1 mean 3.1 2.8 3.5 3.2 3.2 2.9 2.6 3.0 3.7 3.0 --- 1483-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most health-conscious! > Can I have your best recipe for low carb baked potato, please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bake six scrubbed Russet potatoes at 350 degrees F for ninety } minutes. Remove from oven, let cool for 15 minutes, slice in } half, and scoop out the flesh and set aside for later, leaving } the skin halves intact. } } During the 15 minute cooling period, stew two cups of white } styrofoam "peanuts" in four cups of water, until tender. Drain. } } Fill the potato skins with the styrofoam. Add chives and ground } pepper, to taste. Throw the resulting mess in the trash, along } with the reserved flesh. Gnaw on a celery stalk in annoyance. } Voila. } } You owe the Oracle Dan Quayle's recipe book. --- 1483-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you have probably guessed by being omniscient, I am a weather nut. > I'm really fascinated by weather, the atmosphere, and even the weather > on other planets, like Mars and Venus. Never a clear day on Venus. > > So for English class I had to read The Tempest by William Shakespeare. > Only something went wrong when my friend Fat Freddie copied down the > assignment for me. His handwriting is clousy. I spent hours at the > library trying to find The Tempest by Willard Stratosphere. > > Eventually I just gave up and wrote the book myself, happily changing > my name to Willard Stratosphere. How can I get royalties? Fat Freddie > says the idea was his. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry to learn your local library didn't have it. Here are some } highlights: } } To be rainy, or not to be rainy, that is with 60% probability } the question. } } Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears: a funnel cloud } has been sighted in your area. } } Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of freezing drizzle. } } Out, out, brief candle! Winds will gust to 35 MPH. } } The course of true love never did run smooth, and a high wind } warning is also in effect for small watercraft until 8 pm. } } Beware the tides of March. } } O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Verily, this fog } is a real pea-souper. } } Now is the winter of our discontent. Not ONE stinking weekend } with fresh powder. } } Et tu, Summer? } } Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, } signifying a hail and thunder storm heading your way. } } If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not } laugh? And if you forecast clear skies, do we not get soaked } anyway? } } Is this an umbrella which I see before me, the handle toward } my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. I have thee not, and yet } I see thee still; I have this feeling I'm about to get soaked } again. } } It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. She rose at 5:42 this } morning. } } All the world's a bluescreen, and all the men and women merely } certified meteorologists. They have their exits and their } entrances, and one man in his time covers 6 pm, 11 pm and the } weekends. } } Brevity is the soul of wit; ambiguity, of forecasting. } } The first thing we do, let's kill all the weathermen. } } You owe the Oracle a sunny smile. --- 1483-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, incarnation! I've looked over the digests, I've looked over the > voting records, and the answer is obvious. The quality of the question > has nothing to do with the quality of the Oracularity. It's the > incarnation that makes, or fails to make, an Oracularity. So, it > doesn't matter what I write here; it's all up to you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, incarnation! I've looked over the digests, I've looked over the } voting records, and the answer is obvious. The quality of the question } has nothing to do with the quality of the Oracularity. It's the } incarnation that makes, or fails to make, an Oracularity. So, it } doesn't matter what I write here; it's all up to you. --- 1483-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, incarnation! I've looked over the digests, I've looked over the > voting records, and the answer is obvious. The quality of the question > has nothing to do with the quality of the Oracularity. It's the > incarnation that makes, or fails to make, an Oracularity. So, it > doesn't matter what I write here; it's all up to you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know, I know. The pressure is terrible. } } And I'm afraid this comes at a really bad time for me. Like I need } any *more* pressure right now. } } I've been working 60 hour weeks lately and the boss is still on my } back because our project is behind schedule and we haven't started } the beta yet. It looks like I'm not getting any hours again this } week at my second job at the convenience store, either. The mortgage } is several months behind, and I just got a "final" notice from the } bank that they're going to foreclose - if I spend a few hours on the } phone I can probably stall them. My wife went into premature labor } last week, and so she's going to be on complete bed rest for the next } six weeks until it's safe for the baby to be born. That means the } Dragon Lady, sorry I mean my mother-in-law, will be coming to look } after Muffy, Buffy, Duffy and Tuffy; and what's worse, my OWN mother } has also offered to come and "help out". Oh, and the car's still not } running right, and the guy at the shop tells me it's going to need } a new engine and transmission and brakes and body. Plus I need to } renew my license which means waiting in line all day at the DMV } sometime this week. } } But hey, you didn't come here to listen to me kvetch. I know you } are counting on me. And I in turn can rely on a favorite meme. } So, here goes... } } > look } You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building. } } > north } You are blocked by a snake wielding a project plan. } If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue. } } > south } You are blocked by a bird wielding a car repair bill. } If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue. } } > east } You are blocked by a bear wielding an eviction notice. } If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue. } } > tear up eviction notice } With what? Your bare hands? Against *his* bear hands?? } } > west } You are blocked by two dragons wielding guilt. } If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue. } } > look } You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building. } } > go inside } You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. } } > aw crap } That's not a verb I recognize. } } > inventory } You are carrying nothing. } } > go out } You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. } A DMV troll wielding a rubber stamp looks at you menacingly. } } > north } You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. } The DMV troll looks at you menacingly. } } > up } You are blocked by a supplicant wielding what amounts to a null } question. If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue. } You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. The } DMV troll looks at you menacingly. } } > proceed anyway } That's not a verb I recognize. } If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue. You are in } a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. A snake, a bird, a } bear, two dragons, a DMV troll and a supplicant all look at you } menacingly. } } > quit } Are you sure you want to quit? Y } ***END OF SESSION*** } } Sorry. I really need a vacation, but I'm pretty sure that isn't } happening. I used to incarnate to relax, but now I don't even get } that luxury. I guess I'm going to have to go with the following: } } The Oracle is pondering your question. Expect an answer in a } year or two. --- 1483-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Good Lord! That's disgusting! > > Tell me, oh wise and brilliant Oracle, surely that can't be legal? > Please tell me that's so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Behind closed doors it is! sicko. } } You owe the Oracle a high school health class and a talk with your } parents. --- 1483-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Arthur Fogthorpe here. Gotta question for you. My one grandmother, > "Grammer Wilkins," says the best way to clean the house is with > ammonia. The other one (Dad's mom, Grandmaw Fogthorpe) says to use > bleach. > > So rather than get into an argument, I guessed that BOTH of them were > right. I mixed the bleach and the ammonia. Poured five gallons of each > onto the cellar floor. Cleaned out the whole house! We had to leave for > a week while the fire department set up their huge fans to get rid of > the poisonous smell. > > When will I learn to stop trying to satisfy everbody? And would I have > been better off to listen to Aunt Clortilda Etherbomb instead? She > advised I used tongue of bat and eye of newt, but I thought she was > just crazy. Prombly wouldn't have smelled so bad, irregardless. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your Friend The Chlorine Atom } } You probably know about the chemical element Oxygen. Maybe you } also know about Iron and Copper and Steel and Aluminum - they're } all elements as well. But I bet not one out of your entire room } of classmates knows about the element Chlorine. Keep reading, and } you'll be able to amaze your friends with some cool facts. } } Did you know that without Chlorine, you would die? It's true. } That's because half your body weight is made up of Salt, the white } powder in the shaker on your kitchen table, or the dining room table } if your parents are rich. Without Salt, you'd shrivel up like an } old prune, or maybe like the leather on your Sunday best shoes. } (Sabbath if you are Jewish. Or whatever you dress up for if you } are Chinese.) And do you know what Salt atoms are made up of? } Sodium and Calcium, which together is called Sodium Chloride. } Chlorine and Chloride are simply different flavors of the same } thing - Chlorine is kind of sour, while Chloride is (obviously) } salty tasting. } } But that's not all that Clorine is good for. There's fun stuff } too. Did you know you can make acid with it? No, not the kind } hippies take, and not weak acid like vinegar or beer either, I mean } the kind that totally can burn up stuff, like your report card if } you-know-who is planning to ground you for the summer. You combine } Hydrogen (which is half of the chemical element Water) with Calcium } and you get Hydrogen Chlorine, which is used in car batteries to } burn up Led (that's another chemical element) to make electricity. } Get your older brother to open up the hood of your dad's car, and } use a straw to suck out some of the Hydrogen Clhorine juice from } the battery, and try some science experiments of your own! See how } much is needed to make the petals fall off of your mom's roses, } for instance. Don't drink it yourself though - it's poison and } would kill you, at least if you're a sissy and can't take much } in the way of physical punishment. } } Chlourines are also very important for many of the chemicals used } in industry. Adding them to Carbon (the chemical name of charcoal) } for instance makes other kinds of poison that taste much better } than acid and yet will kill all that it touches or comes within } a mile of. As stated on Wikipedia or somewhere like that: "When } chlorine is chemically reacted into carbon-structured organic } compounds to make chlorocarbons, the carbon and chlorine atoms } bind to each other by mutually sharing electrons in their outer } shells. This arrangement adversely affects human metabolism } because our mitochondrial and cellular enzyme systems are designed } to completely utilize organic molecules containing carbon, hydrogen, } oxygen, nitrogen, and other compatible nutritional elements." } Really makes you stop and think, doesn't it? } } But we can leave that poindexter stuff to the scientists. They } are working on how to combine the Chorline molecule with other } elements like Iron or Plastic, to create wonder drugs and amazing } new cell phones that float in the air, one supposes. That's what } makes it so important to study Science, so you can help contribute } to these miracles of Science that would not be possible if you } didn't study subjects like Math and Science and Chemistry! The } world is getting pretty scientific so you'd better keep up. And } Chlarine is part of science. } } One final tip. Don't EVER mix bleach and ammonia. The Clhourine } that is in ammonia will fight it out with whatever is in the } bleach and make a stink that you won't soon forget. This author } heard about one kid who tried that, and they had to call the } fire department who brought big fans, and boy did that kid get } in trouble! Just say no. } } WHAT DID YOU LEARN? } 1) Chlorine is made up of } a) Oxygen } b) Iron } c) A blend of Chlorine atoms and Chlorine molecules } d) Chloride } 2) All acids are made by mixing } a) Hydrogen and Chlorine } b) Water and salt } c) Battery juice and led } d) Vinegar and Beer } 3) Without which of these elements would you shrivel up like a } prune or shoe leather (Sunday, Sabbath or Chinese)? } a) Salt } b) Chlorine } b) Chlorine } d) Vinegar and Beer } } USE WHAT YOU LEARNED } 1) Try out the experiments listed in this chapter. Which one } gets you in the most trouble? } 2) You didn't try giving battery juice to your dog, did you? } Because, that would be wrong. } 3) If you did feed some to Fido and he died, then you won't be } able to blame your mom's dead roses on him peeing on the bushes. } So learn to think ahead! } 4) Try mixing some Chlorine with other chemicals, and see if } you get floating cell phones or something. } } You owe the Oracle a passing grade on Friday's test. --- 1483-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Testing And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Positive. Sorry. Please set up a series of appointments at the } front desk. } } You owe the Oracle a valid health insurance card. --- 1483-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who would win in a fight, Ichigo or Goku? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ichigo would win, assuming he can get in a good kick to } Goku's enormous Draggin' Balls. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of bleach to remove the Blecch. --- 1483-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't you care if Jimmy cracks corn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the same reason I don't care how much lumber a marmot } can heave: it's an old and trite question in this forum. } } Here is an instructive ditty. } } One day the supplicant } Took a break from his porn, } To ask the Oracle } About cracking corn. } Bad luck for him, } The Oracle was potted, } And that's the day } The supplicant got *ZOT*ted. } } Supplicant's zotted, and I don't care, } Supplicant's zotted, and I don't care, } Supplicant's zotted, and I don't care, } I'm glad he's gone away. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle, 'cause he's dry. --- 1483-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most punny, who is Ellen the Generous? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She is one of the most influential women in the past hundred } years, through her monetary gifts to those she deems worthy. } } In the political arena, she has supported US lawmakers Jim the } Mint and Tom the Lay; outside the US in her earlier years she } gave support to Charles the Gaulle. } } She has often provided resources to promising thespians. Among } her financial beneficiaries have been Dana the Lany, Zooey the } Chanel, Dom the Luise, Catherine the Neuve, Danny the Vito, } Willem the Foe, and Bo the Rek. } } Ellen has also supported Cruella, Mink and Cadillac the Vil(le). } } Other entertainment proteges, who have had only partial success } in making names for themselves, have been Susan the y, Johnny } the pp, and Ruby and Sandra the e. } } Her worst lapse of judgement was bankrolling Albert the Salvo, } otherwise know as the Boston Strangler. Oops. } } You owe the Oracle a Marco DeStinction and a Norm DePlume.