From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Aug 7 08:41:45 2008 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.84) with ESMTP id m77Cfjoo028421; Thu, 7 Aug 2008 08:41:45 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id m77CfjxC028419; Thu, 7 Aug 2008 08:41:45 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2008 08:41:45 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200808071241.m77CfjxC028419@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1441 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1441 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1441 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 07 Aug 2008 08:41:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1441 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1436 32 votes 56b82 4ae31 37778 4b971 15ae2 296c3 2h940 1a984 039d7 14f39 1436 3.1 mean 2.9 2.6 3.3 2.7 3.3 3.2 2.5 3.1 3.8 3.5 --- 1441-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do mermaids reproduce? Are the poor mermen reduced to fertilizing > a bunch of eggs that have been laid on a rock? Do the mermaids' > privates smell like humans? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you've seen Disney's film "The Little Mermaid" with its } none too subtle plot where a young mermaid wants to have some } legs so she can make a prince happy. Hey, that's the plot The } Oracle didn't just make that up. It's kind of a raunchy story } line to foist on the young females that are its targeted } audience, but Disney isn't noted for subtlety in this regard. } (If you haven't seen 'Dumbo' in a long time watch it and be } stunned into silence at the extraordinary lengths it takes to be } more politically incorrect than 100 Late Night Andy Dick guest } appearances.) But now to answer your naughty little questions. } The Oracle has invited Neptune himself to make a cameo in this } answer, via Bubble-Phone. } } [ The Oracle thrusts his head into a nearby very large aquarium } at the bottom of which instead of a silly little castle is a, } well, a Bubble-Phone. ] } } Oracle: Thank you for joining us today Neptune. } } Neptune: Let's get this over with. } } Oracle: OK, first question: How do mermaids reproduce? } } Neptune: When a merman and a mermaid love each other very } much, and have known each other for a long, long } time, and both of them have finished college, and } have jobs, and their parents' permission - they } marry. And then a miracle happens. } } Oracle: Erm, OK. Hmm. The next question reads as thus: Are } the poor mermen reduced to fertilizing a bunch of eggs } that have been laid on a rock? } } Neptune: Zounds, Orrie what kind of sickos do you cater to? } } Oracle: Answer please. } } Neptune: Mermen are not some kind of horny salmon fighting their } way upstream over moss covered boulders, past irate } bears, to then be blinded by lust into spewing about } on eggs left there by some she-bass or octostrumpet. } We live under the sea, not below common decency and all } that is moral and good!! } } Oracle: Next, do the mermaids' privates smell like humans? } } Neptune: Privates? Enlisted men would smell like humans yes, } just as generals or admirals would. What a freaking } bizarre question. Are we done yet? } } Oracle: Well, sort of I guess. But I don't think that the last } question. . . oh never mind. Good show. Thank you Neptune. } } Neptune: } } [ The Oracle looks a bit taken back, hangs up the Bubble-phone, } and pulls his head out of the tank. ] } } There you go supplicant. We aim to please. No question, even sans } any hint of groveling like yours, is too lowly and sordid for us } to answer. You're most welcome! } } You owe the Oracle the cargo hold of the SS Laurentic. --- 1441-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Sagacious Oracle values merrymaking, revelry and social gaiety > please read my question with undue diligence! Oh Unbegotten First > Existent One! You are wise, yes wise indeed. The Oracle is ever full > of imperishableness and ineffable joycle and clever insights. Praise > his middle name and stand in awe of his shadowy being. > > Is there really a sleeping, soul eating, evil alien from outer space > laying in wait on some bleak islet in the South Atlantic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Really? No. R'lyeh. --- 1441-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please describe Cleopatra's nose, the shape of which turned (so I am > told) destiny. Also give alternative destinies for other possible > shapes. Like suppose she'd looked like a horse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Looking like a horse doesn't mean a woman can't change } history, nor turn the head of emperors and kings. Just } ask Camilla. } } You owe the Oracle a world where all the men are buff. --- 1441-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Expository but unexposed Oracle, how can you be sure you are never > injured by your own fearsome ZOT? Do oracles have protective underware, > like Mormons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'underware'? } } UnderWEAR made of Mormons isn't needed, the Oracle uses a concept } that is alien to street thugs with guns, men standing before a } commode, and 90% of the people playing Team Fortress -- He aims } at what he wants to hit. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to The Mountains of Madness. --- 1441-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, pal of Neptune, you that house-broke Pluto, promoter of the > Sirens on their last World Tour, please hear my question, > > Is zombie cucumber good in salads? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course it is! } } I'm going to follow up your question with a question though: } } What does a vegan zombie eat? } } Don't worry, I'm going to give you the answer too. } } Grrrrrraaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnsssssss!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle a better punchline. --- 1441-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most triumphant and pleasing Oracle, who thunders aloft and has his > dwelling most high. Attend thou with eye and ear, and make twisted > pair questions straight with righteousness. Wise Oracle do tell of > true things. > > Are humans alone in the Universe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rise, my humble supplicant, and hear what I have to tell you. You seem } to have made a minor mistake. Yes, humans are, in fact, a loan *to* } the Universe. } } Allow me to explain. Thousands of years ago the Universe, or Jeff as } he prefers to be called, was getting pretty bored. You would be too, } if you existed for 13 billion years with no cable TV. He kept } complaining to God about it, to the point where God finally said, } "Alright, fine, what exactly do you want?!" } } Jeff asked for God to create some reality shows for him to watch, but } God refused on the grounds that He doesn't create evil. Jeff kept } pestering God. This was starting annoy The Big Guy a lot, so God } created entropy as a punishment for Jeff. (You wouldn't want to } constantly get more chaotic, would you? What? Oh, well, your universe } doesn't.) } } Anyways, God and Jeff were on pretty bad terms by then, and Jeff was } still mind-numbingly bored at the point, so he decided to look } elsewhere for help. } } Jeff did a little checking around, and found out that another } universe, Ashley, owed me a funny little species called humans, which } she had put on the table in a recent poker game. The three of us ended } up working out a deal where Jeff got to borrow humanity from me, Jeff } gave Ashley a few more than forty spiral galaxies, and Ashley gave me } a neat device which fires a concentrated quantity of electricity. I } had my eye on that thing for a while. } } I got an excellent deal. } } Jeff gets to keep you humans for a few hundred more years before I get } you back. I'll probably just try pawning you off to another universe, } or if that doesn't work, just get rid of you. After all, you don't } seem very valuable. All you ever do is go around killing each other } and making reality TV shows. It's nice to keep in touch with you and } dispense my wisdom, but I don't want to take care of you full-time. I } have better things to do. } } You owe the Oracle... nevermind, I'll have it in a few hundred years } anyway. --- 1441-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The entire world appreciates the wealth of knowledge contained in The > Internet Oracle's massive but miniaturized brain. Of course most people > unfortunately cannot access this vast fount of wisdom because they are > not supplicants. > > How can I best spread the word so that you get more and better > supplicants? Especially ones that don't screw up the incarnative > portion. (Like, I've about had it with idiotilizers, Bible thumpers, > and salesmen.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How to get more people involved in the Oracle experience is } indeed a problem. Here's some thoughts: } } * People are WAY leery of handing out their email address } to a service they've little info about. You can see their } point, no one likes getting spam. } } Possible Solutions: } } * Have a notice on the web-portal stating that the email } address will be used ONLY for the Oracle experience and } that your name and email is kept secret (as long as you } don't go adding it yourself because through newbieness) } } * Add a similar .sig to outgoing responses to tellmes. } Somehow I'd think if you're doing askmes you've got this } figured out already, but tellme folks might find this } reassuring -- especially for their first ones. } } * The Oracle needs new users. } } Possible Solution: } } * I have no idea how to do this, but if somehow it could } be pointed out to teachers of HOW-to newbie Internet } classes that sending and receiving email from the Oracle } is a great way to practice emailing. } } * Again, another bell-the-cat I have no idea how to do it } idea. Wouldn't it be great if on the Thunderbird download } page it said something like, "Hey, want to practice using } email? Try the Internet Oracle." and then a link to the } Oracle home page or something. or even have a default } joke email be your first email in the email inbox of Thunder- } bird... even if just for Thunderbird downloads for just } one month and never again! That'd be grand. But alas it'd } be kind of an inhouse spam, not everyone might be amused. } } * Someone, HEY ONE OF YOU COMPUTER EXPERTS OUT THERE. write } a Firefox/Thunderbird add-on that interfaces with the Oracle } It'd up our exposure, which right now is about zero. People } looking through addons might find it. Is this ethical? } } * Buy an ad on slashdot! Or in PC-Magazine! Or an ingame one } in Portal2!!! Yeah, I know, I'd not want to fork over the } big bugs for that either. } } * Write the Oracle address on your huge bosom and streak the } Super Bowl!.... oh gawd. What am I saying? } } * Write to the Oracle! Write an answer full of ideas. Some } priest will show it to well, SOMEONE & something will happen } & ALL WILL BE GOOD IN THE WORLD... who am I kidding? } This will go into some non-functioning priest's inbox and } be nuked unread. Have you ever gone to the Priest weblink page } and clicked on any of the links? Most of them are dead, dead, } dead. I'm not really sure anyone is still at the temple at } times, just a few of them stop by as they drive by and that's } only because they've got a key to the temple restrooms and } they need to take leak. Though if you click all of those } mostly dead links you -might- finally understand the two } Tims references. . . maybe. Not that it matters mind you. } } * Scream at the computer. That's what this incarnation does. } Fat lot of good that's done. } } You owe the Oracle, ah forget it. You've done enough. } } Cheers. --- 1441-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ------=_Part_25104_6384241.1217873751845 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > Oh... > I'm a happy Post-it note! > Let's all sing the Post-it song! > Post-it! > Post-it! > Post-it! > Post-it! > Post-it! > Post-it! > All day long... > > ------=_Part_25104_6384241.1217873751845 > Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Next slide. } } [ On the screen before the class appears the supplicant's } email message about a Post-it! ] } } Oracle: Humans are the only creatures that laugh or ask } questions. And here we have an email that neither } asks a question, or makes us laugh. What can one } do? } } Kendai: Tell the supplicant he's a moron. Heck, it's } not even in plain text. } } Og: Zot! } } Zadoc: Delete it and let someone else deal with it. } } [ Others boo, and wad up papers and throw it at Zadoc. ] } } Old Tim: Detailed history of the Post-it note followed } by a poignant joke. } } New Tim: A top ten list with lots of nerdy UNIX } references. } } Both Tims: AND NO MENTION OF PEOPLE'S HAIR. } } Oracle: Anyone have a fresh idea? And don't tell me } a lecture format. Or a commercial. Or a Sgt. } Pepper parody. Or invoke anyone. } } [ Priests all look around the room sheepishly. ] } } Og: Zot! } } Oracle: I'm immortal. I can sit here until hell } freezes over, people. } } The Littlest Priest: I could stand up and bat my huge } eyes. And say, "I've learned something today. } We all are like a family. A family of..." } } Kendai: I.am.going.to.barf. } } The Littlest Priest: "...a family of askers and tellers. } And like all families we sometimes get drunk & } beat the living snot out of each other with patio } furniture and then the police show up and arrest } Dad. Mom wails about what's happening to her man } and then the dog shows up and licks up the spilled } beer that is reflecting the flashing red and blue } lights of the squad cars as overhead a helicopter } full of doughnut eaters hovers, noisily. The rotor } wash making our hair waft about as though we're } standing on Dover Beach watching Corelia's forces } land." } } Zadoc: Wow. That's so beautiful. } } Kendai: No. It's lame. } } One of the Tims: And you mentioned hair too. We had an } agreement. } } Oracle: OK look. Pair off and I'm going out for a smoke. } When I get back I want to hear some answers that } make me laugh. Tim and Tim, split up. You can't } be partners again, it's too confusing. } } Both Tims: Dibs on Kendai! } } Kendai: I've got to get me a real job. } } [ fade to black ] --- 1441-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How long until my toe feels better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Forever. But this is what your hands are for, toes } are really poor choices to feel things with. } } You owe the Oracle some steel toed boots. --- 1441-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will my one true love knit me a love song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frayed knot.