From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Dec 23 19:53:44 2006 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id kBO0rhV2001026; Sat, 23 Dec 2006 19:53:44 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id kBO0rh66001022; Sat, 23 Dec 2006 19:53:43 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 23 Dec 2006 19:53:43 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200612240053.kBO0rh66001022@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1414 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1414 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1414 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 23 Dec 2006 19:53:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1414 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1409 39 votes 38ca6 32be9 26cb8 3faa1 07ag6 6c795 3ad94 3ae66 4ag81 07df4 1409 3.2 mean 3.2 3.6 3.4 2.8 3.5 2.9 3.0 3.1 2.8 3.4 --- 1414-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh internet oracle, why my employer insists that I use a > laptop for my primary workstation but also insists that I do not need a > battery with more than ten minutes of capacity. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All you need to do is cram your mind into an employer-sized brain in } order to understand. Like so: } } If you never leave your desk you're an internet-surfing drone like all } the rest. You need to be up and moving around and communicating with } people, you know, making things happen. } } If you're never AT your desk you're probably at some cafe, surfing the } internet over a latte while you're supposed to be working. This is } even worse than being at work and not working. } } Solution: give you a ten-minute tether in the form of a battery that's } barely worth the name. That way you can bustle around and be a good } worker bee, but you won't be flying too far from the hive. } } Smart, huh? } } You owe the Oracle an oxymoron other than 'Managerial intelligence.' --- 1414-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > blessed of Allah > former room-mate of Jehovah > and he who beats Buddah at poker every Saturday night, > > I have the 17 gallons of whipped cream you asked for, > and the extra-large tub full of baby oil, > but the one hundred and forty four dancing George W Bushes are proving > to be a bit of a problem. > Can you suggest an acceptable substitute? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's good to see you honour your obligations Supplicant. I must have } worded my payment less specifically that your limited human faculties } could comprehend. } } One hundred and forty-four dancing Geoge W Bushes (Me, what was I } thinking?) are required for a little party I'm holding next week. See } what you can knock up with some latex and a troupe of actors, I'm sure } you'll do fine. } } Of course, if you truly do intend to impress then you'll need to } capture Georgie boy and clone him one hundred and forty-three times, } then convince them all to dance for me. (Just mention the codeword } OracleSatanSlander and he'll do anything you tell him to.) } } Good luck, and remember, you'll have to have them ready for next week! } } ----- } You owe the Oracle one hundred and forty-four dancing Allahs, Jehovahs } and Buddahs for the same party, one cathedral sized disco and } appropriate medical equipment for the mortal guests in case they } nearly die laughing. You also owe the Oracle an embarrasing cocktail } recipe. --- 1414-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All the world's nuclear weapons are dumped in a hole and go off the > same time. > > How much land is melted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An exposition, first. } } The Mulrics have been living on the piece of drifting rock known to } Earthlings only as Meteor E829.3 since time immemorial. They were not a } warring people - there can be little ground disputes when your planet } is 100 meters across - and dedicated their lives to quiet } contemplation. Until, that is, they became aware of the Issue, which } was this: } } E829.3's impending collision with the planet Earth. } } Now, this was an Issue on Earth as well. But it was much greater an } issue for the Mulrics. The collision was expected to bring about the } death of merely 90% of all Earthlings - but 100% of all Mulrics. } Clearly, this could not be tolerated. Thus, a plan of sorts was formed: } } The Mulrics, cleverly disguised using false mustaches, would purchase } or steal all of Earth's nuclear weapons, dump them into a hole, and set } them off at the same time. Earth will be shattered and E829.2 ("home") } will proceed unharmed. } } The first part of the program was easily carried out. Armed with } nothing more than false mustaches, the green, 1-meter tall, } hymenopteran aliens had *no problem* securing the entirety of the } world's nuclear weapons. They were rather shocked. } } The second part of the program proved a little more difficult. Early } drilling in downtown Manhattan drew far too much attention, mostly from } tourists who insisted on having their picture taken. After further } experimentation in various alternative urban environments failed, the } Mulric leader, McMulric, came up with a better location: Great Sandy } Desert, Australia. } } From here own things ran smoothly. Under the banner "Nobody Cares A } Whit About Australia", the Mulrics were able not only to dig a massive } hole, but also to oppress the entire local population, both of whom } turned out to ask for a cup of sugar. Having dug their hole, the } Mulrics set a detonator, and were soon off to their home on E829.3. } } On this day was born the famous cry, "It's a bird... It's a plane... } It's Australia!" } } Unfortunately, the answer to your question above turned out to be: "not } nearly enough". Furthermore, upon their return to their home meteor } (soon to be -ite), the Mulrics were arrested by IRA officials, having } been charged with the illegal importation of false-false mustaches } (United States Tax Code, Part B, Section DXXII, Item 3485, "Jocular } Paraphernalia"). In their much publicized trial, the Mulric defense } claimed that: } } A. Being extraterrestrial aliens, the Mulrics were exempt from the US } Tax Code. } B. They were all going to die. } } After giving due consideration, the court accepted the latter argument, } but not the former, and sentenced the entire Mulric population to 13 } minutes of jail time, following which everybody died. } } You owe the Oracle a new species. --- 1414-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, I want to modify the local gravity field under my studio > apartment. It'll be fun, but will my neighbors get pissed? And on the > off chance that a knife rack is over a neighbor when I turn gravity > back on, well I just don't want that kind of responsibility.. What > should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Did the Japanese hesitate before they attacked Pearl Harbor? Did } Lucifer second-guess himself as his troops approached the Throne of } God? Did Hitler postpone the blitzkrieg before taking Poland, because } he had a doubt? No! } } You have to recognize that if you don't do this, your neighbor will. So } when the gravity gives out, and all roads to victory become tough, will } you be the one laying helpless under your knife rack, or will you be } the one triumphantly flipping the gravity back on and laughing as the } knifes fall? The choice is yours. } } You owe the Oracle a set of safety knives. --- 1414-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Christmas really the most wonderful time of the year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you're a kid, yes without question. } } If you're a cynic, no. } } If you're a Scrooge then no, quite the opposite in fact. } } If you're a Santa in a large department store, then probably yes. } } If you're a Santa in the street then maybe yes. } } If you're drunk, have a large white beard and tend to wear red, then } only if you like kids and seem relatively focused. } } If you're old St. Nick, no, no and no again! Spending all year getting } ready for the Big Night then giving bad gifts in poor taste to the } thankless masses is not Santa's idea of a good night out. In fact, } Nick only does this because a few centuries back he was unwise enough } to ask this question: } } Wouldn't it be nice if everyone got a gift on Christmas? } } To which I replied, of course, 'Yes. You owe the Oracle - and all of } the world - a Christmas gift each Christmas. } } So, back to your question, Supplicant, it all depends on your } perspective. Which will be quite similar to Nick's from now on - I'll } get you in touch. } } ----- } You owe the Oracle - and all of the world - a most wonderful time of } the year each Christmas. You can start by getting rid of those blasted } carol singers and taking my mind off those tacky gifts Nicky boy was } trying to foist on me. --- 1414-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderful Oracle, I'll know it's you by the absence of any advertising > at the bottom. I'm tired of imitations. > > How many times must I propose to my girlfriend before she accepts? > It's getting kinda tiring.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: }
}


you have to work on yourself first. also, talk to her and find } out why she won't accept. then take action!

}

you owe the oracle an engagemant ring.  (by the way there IS no } real oracle. questions are all answered by users.)

}


Download now! } Visit to enter and see how cool it is to get Messenger with you on your } cell phone. --- 1414-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle: What is the relation between tied-up bundles of sticks > and homosexuals? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very good, assuming the bundles of sticks are adult and consenting, and } they've been very, very bad boys... } } You owe the Oracle a comment on the relation between dams and female } homosexuals. --- 1414-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am perplex by the following question: > > What do server farms raise? > > I feel that only the great and mighty and all-seeing and all-knowing > Oracle can answer it. > > Please do so. I submit a thousand post-it notes as a humble offering. > (My job has more to be stolen if you require them.) > > Good day, oh high and mighty one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The temperature. --- 1414-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, two questions: Has anyone been tortured by rocket exhaust > before? > > And, can you die from not sleeping? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know something Wondergirl you should have thought about } this ~before~ you married Rocketman. For now the Oracle } suggests separate bedrooms, or a powerful air freshener } at least. } } You owe the Oracle an open window. --- 1414-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > God must be an engineer, why else would so many animals follow similar > patterns with only minor modifications? > > Kangaroo is just an economy-sized walley. > > Hippo/rhino body plan is the same, don't know why the latter has horns. > Triceratops horn pattern also reused, in different animal. > > Mammoth, oversized elephant. > > And the donkey(ass)/horse/zebra/unicorn/pony works very well so no > need to change. > > Okay, unicorn was discontinued. > > And we also have a nice selection of cats.. Don't know why saber-tooth > died out, impractical prolly. > > How bout woodpeckers, their tounge goes all the way around their heads! > (and through their skull) He must have been *drunk* while on the > drafting board.. > > And dogs don't really exist, they're just domesticated wolves. > > But why'd he let all the showroom models eat each other? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } < scene: a typical grimy parts yard, corrugated metal } wall around it, dirt parking lot, waiting room is a } porch like affair near a filthy trailer, huge sign } above says "Yo!Way's Spare Parts" > } } Yo!Way: Hey, parts ain't cheap. } } [ Angel holding a rat tail in his hand looks down at } it forlornly ] } } Angel: Look, I gotta get this creature up and running } soon. This tail, it just don't cut it. } } Yo!Way: I think I got something around da back you'll } like. } } [ The two trudge into The Yard piles of creatures are } scattered haphazardly about, rhinos, octopus, gnats, } bears, tiburons, eagles. . .] } } Angel: Hey how about this? } } Yo!Way: You kiddin' me, right? That's a cayman tail, pure } reptile. That thing ya got there, came from a } mammalian body. Am I right? } } Angel: Well yeah, but erm, I needed a repo system and I } got one over at Ol' Nick's and dang if he didn't } give me one that lays eggs! } } Yo!Way: Ol' Nick's!! I outta run ya outta the yard right } now. Serves you right dealing with that pack of } two bit scavengers. } } [ Yo!Way stops by a pile of woodchucks and beavers, he } tosses them about. How many? Hard to say. ] } } Yo!Way: I thought I had a spare muskrat. Ah heck, here } take this. 50 souls. Plus tax of course. } } Angel: A beaver tail? } } Yo!Way: Sure, it'll work. Besides that thing ya got is } all kinda wack as is. And beaver and tail, well } they sorta a thing, like milk and honey you knows? } That thing does make milk, right? } } Angel: Yes. But the snout isn't working right. So once I } slap on this tail, I'll have to work on the other } end. } } Yo!Way: I got some mallard bills that I gotta get rid of } like right now. You take the beaver tail and I'll } throw in some bills for half of what they cost me. } } Angel: Ok, Ok. Bill me. } } [ fade to black ]