From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Dec 22 01:00:14 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.69) with ESMTP id jBM60DkO004461; Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:00:13 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id jBM60D8l004459; Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:00:13 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:00:13 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200512220600.jBM60D8l004459@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1399 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1399 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1399 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:00:02 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1399 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1394 31 votes 16d83 2c863 63b83 0bd61 269b3 228f4 19a83 34d92 37d71 02c98 1394 3.2 mean 3.2 2.9 3.0 2.9 3.2 3.5 3.1 3.1 2.9 3.7 --- 1399-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle before whom obscure celebrities bow down in horror: > > Why is Cartman an ass****? Why is Kenny still alive? Is Stan > gay? For that matter, is Mr. Garrisson gay? Why does Jesus have > his own tv show? And what is up with them damn cows? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm...this looks like a great opportunity to bring in some help from my } old friends Matt Stone and Trey Parker. } } Trey, Matt, are you there? } } trey> yup } matt> hi oracle! } } Did you bring the rest of the gang with you? } } matt> yes, they're all here. } } Excellent, then let's get right to the questions. I'd like to take } these in reverse order, as the cows only have a few minutes. } } First question, for the cows: } what is up with them damn cows? } } cows> Well Oracle, our characters are deeper than most people realize. } I remember, the first day of filming, Trey gave us the script and all } he said was, "nervous." That was our whole motivation, I mean, that's } all we had to go on. And we built this, this...complex uh...backstory, } that's implied throughout the show. } } Great. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the cows for coming } out here and giving us a few minutes of their time today, I know you } guys are busy. Alright, next question, this one for Jesus: } Why does Jesus have his own tv show? } } Jesus> My show, well, my character's show, "Jesus and Pals" was written } in as a way to introduce some amount of wholesomeness to the show. When } they approached me, they told me the premise of South Park, and told me } they wanted to use it as a sort of clandestine way to spread } Christianity. } } } } Oooookay...uh, next question for Mr. Garrison: } For that matter, is Mr. Garrisson gay? } } Garrison> Well of course he is, silly buns. He walks the walk and talks } the talk. Not to mention having his hand shoved up a puppet's a- } } Whoa! Okay, caref- } } Garrison> -behind. Sorry. } } Moving right along: } Is Stan gay? } } ... } } Stan? } } Trey> Uh, sorry Oracle, Stan couldn't make it. He said something about } having to "feed the elephant" or something. } } Alright, we'll skip Stan and maybe he'll join us later. Next question: } Why is Kenny still alive? } } Kenny> Jungf gur qrsvavgvba bs nyvir, ernyyl? Vs gurerf na nsgreyvsr, } gura jura jr qvr n zbegny qrngu urer ba rnegu, jr orpbzr nyvir va } nabgure cynar bs rkvfgrapr. Ner jr gura gehyl qrnq? Yvsr vf jung lbh } znxr vg. Ovgpurf. } } Terrific. And finally, our final question is for Cartman: } Why is Cartman an ass****? } } Cartman> When I signed on and read the script, I asked Matt this } very question. Why *is* my character such an ass****? What the h*** } was that? Ass**** - huh, I guess you can't say ass**** here. Anyways, } it's sometimes difficult, as an actor, to take on a character like } this, because to do your job right, you have to make people hate you. } I'm nothing like that in real life -- none of us are -- but sometimes } people forget that. So anyways, when I asked Matt about it, he said, } "Your character is fat. All fat people are ass****s. It's in their } thick, obese, chunky, fat-blood. Their veins don't flow with kindness } and caring like regular people. No, it's all au jus and Crisco." So, } yeah, I realized then that Matt was right, and that was my motivation. } } Well folks, that about wraps up all the questions. I want to thank Matt } and Trey, Stan, Kenny, Eric, Jesus, and of course, the cows, for coming } out here for a little Q and A today. Thank you and goodnight! } } You owe the Oracle a reason why you asked about Stan's sexuality and not } Butter's. --- 1399-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Articulate words the Oracle utters, an antidote to the clamor and > dissonance of our human attempts to understand the universe. Oh > Great Oracle, tell me this please, > > What film did I see last night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, I love a challenge. Let's see: a three-hour, epic love story! A } simple story of boy-meets-girl, set against a dramatic backdrop. } There's a lot of water involved, and ice. The leading lady is stunningly } beautiful, and the strikingly handsome male lead looks just like... } um... } } All right, I see where this is headed. How much do you want? } } You owe the Oracle all the copies of the tape. --- 1399-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, musical Oracle, King of the Silver Dollar, whose staff can create > the most burning ring of fire! > > What would a country song written by one of your priests be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, now since Orrie's gone vacation bound } I'm in charge of the queue and I've found } There ain't nothing they can ask that'll stop me } I swear by the hard-drive's blinkin' light } I know for sure I can do this right } For The Queue it just can't get along without me. } } Got me a few softballs about 42 } a real love question, just say "I do" } and a actual question that is new } Oh Lordy how I love being at this keyboard } } And here's a question about evil 'chucks } and here someone who desperately needs some yucks } and a revolting query about tummy tucks } But it's OK 'cause I'm a priest, and I can take it } } Now what's this here? A resubmit. } And here's a MIME hater throwing a fit } and someone implying I don't give a 100% of it } Is this the thanks I get fer working night and day? } } And here's a tawdry question I don't like } ZOT! ZOT! Take that Mr. Finger in the dike } And Hey You! If you don't like it take a hike } 'Cause The Queue, don't ya know, don't it show/ } The Queue it can't get along without me. } } --- Instrumental --- } } Now Orrie he's back from ancient Cathy } brought us 'souvenir' stuff merchants gave away } Says the queue's looks fine, now go away } But how can I? Fooooorrrrrrrrr The Queue, yes } The Queue it can't get along without me! } ---- } } You owe the Oracle an .mp3 of the hidden Buck Owens } musical easter egg from "The Devil's Rejects" DVD. --- 1399-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I think you are miraculous, unbelievable, remarkable, superb > and magnificent. Plus you don't burp that often. > > If all the world's a stage who is the audience? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The number of entities that have helped you humans survive over the } years. Most have left for other solar systems, but a couple have } stayed around to see what will happen next. } } The primary watchers these days are: } } Thor -- Laughs hard when he sees something funny. Tends to throw } thunderbolts when not amused. } } Atlas -- Loves sports, especially physical ones. } } Aphrodite -- Likes the 'human interest' stories. } } Loki -- A little devilish at time; he tosses marbles onto the stage } and see if anyone trips. } } Athena -- Enjoys murder/mysteries. } } This list is not complete; Huitzilopochtli and Ekchuah will show up } when a good war is going on, and Pele loves natural disasters. } } It is not a big crowd these days but, face it, the show isn't very } good right not either. } } You owe me a surprise ending -- it tends to draw bigger crowds, and I } own the concession stand up here... --- 1399-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who has never, ever been fooled in the entire epoch > of man except that once, and there was a good reason: It is said > "every time they build something foolproof, someone goes ahead and > comes up with a better fool". Who is creating all these fools, and for > what purpose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } See, there's birds. And there's bees. And when a Mama Bird } loves a Daddy Bee very, very much. And they've know each } other for a long, long time. And neither of them has a real } serious disease or smells bad. Then, well, they get drunk. } And later one of them sues the other for child support. } } You owe the Oracle a rocket scientist. --- 1399-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings and salutations from the great southern land > (Australia), I seek your wisdom on the question which follows. > > In these testing times of "Political Correctness" what name shall > a sailor now call a scupper (loose wench) and still keep a > nautical historical tone. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Salty Speak" } - The Oracular Guide to Politically Correct nautical double entendres } and relationship terms } } Abreast -- (speaks for itself) } } Adrift -- a loose man or woman, i.e. has just dumped/been dumped by } boyfriend/girlfriend: "Yeah, he's adrift since last month." } } Athwartships -- the girl sitting on your lap: "So there she was, sitting } athwartships..." } } Bitter End -- a breakup: "So we hit the bitter end and now I'm adrift" } } Brightwork -- what you buy as a present in hopes of return favors: "I } got her some brightwork for her birthday..." " As she pulled abreast I } offered to polish her brightwork." } } Bulkhead -- chaperones or mothers-in-law: "I ran right into the } bulkhead." } } Catamaran -- twin hulls: "Oh yeah, nice catamaran, that one." } } Cockpit -- (you really don't expect me to include this one do you?) } } Dead Ahead -- heading for marriage: "No, she's not available, she's } headed dead ahead." } } Dead Astern -- just divorced: "Now that his ex is dead astern, he's } been hanging out at the marina a lot." } } Dinghy -- needs Viagra: "How's *your* dinghy?" } } Ebb -- Viagra's wearing off: "Once the tide began to ebb..." } } Fathom -- trying to understand women: "Don't try to fathom..." } } Forepeak -- a bit premature: "Nice boat, but the girls were put off by } his forepeak." } } Fouled -- married: "Don't bother, she's fouled." } } Freeboard -- no wedding ring: "Check it out... trim lines, shiny } brightwork and freeboard." } } Grab Rails -- love handles: "Good thing he had those grab rails, it was } the only part she could hold on to." } } Hatch -- just wait 9 months and see: "Best to batten that hatch a } while." } } Headway -- what Monica did: "They were caught making headway in the } galley." } } Inboard -- in the bedroom: "They really should have been inboard." } } Knot -- clothing fasteners: "Just slip those knots and get comfortable" } } Latitude -- how far he/she's willing to go: "I know she had the } latitude..." } } Longitude -- how much it'll cost to get there: "... But I didn't have } the longitude." } } Lubber's Line -- bad pickup line: "I couldn't believe that he walked } right up to her and used that old Lubber's Line 'Hey, baby. What's your } sign?'" } } Midship -- anywhere indoors except the bedroom: "They only made it to } midship before the clothes came off." } } Mooring -- ropes, ties and handcuffs: "His eyes popped when she pulled } out the mooring ropes." } } Nautical Mile -- a measure of naughtiness: "She was rated at 5 nautical } miles..." } } Navigation Rules -- usually delivered by the girl's father: "...but her } father's navigation rules wouldn't let us get there." } } Outboard -- outdoors: "They loved it outboard - in the woods, on the } beach, on the deck." } } Piloting -- on top: "Oh, and who was piloting?" } } Planing Hull -- thin, slightly built: "She had a planing hull, not a } catamaran, but made up for it in enthusiasm." } } Port -- orientation: "After all those years at sea he tended to list a } little to port." } } Privileged Vessel -- arrogant, or spoiled: "He thought he was a } privileged vessel but she set him straight." } } Quartering Sea -- surprise: "He came home as on a quartering sea and } caught her cheating." } } Rudder -- buttocks: "I grabbed her rudder and she slapped me!" } } Running Lights -- see Brightwork } } Satellite Navigation -- maneuvering: "The lights were out so we found } each other by satellite navigation." } } Screw -- (don't even go there) } } Sea Worthy -- well put together: "They were a sea worthy couple, she } was quite the catamaran, and he was no dinghy himself." } } Stern line -- rear profile: "All of the girls stopped to watch his } stern line as he passed." } } Topsides -- on top, of course: "She was a cowgirl and wanted } topsides..." } } Underway -- on the bottom: "...and he was perfectly content to be } underway." } } Waterline -- nautical pickup line: "He offered to show her his yacht and } she fell for that old waterline." } } ----------------You owe the Oracle a nice catamaran, a following sea and } a cold draft. --- 1399-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, oh so wise, > > What can I give my teenaged son for Christmas. > He seems to spend all of his time online, and doesn't want to do > anything else. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dad! Look, I'm in here helping ALL of Mankind by } channeling the Oracle. Ok, Ok, look 'channeling' } may not have been the best word. No, it's not a } cult. No, I'm not going to kill myself and embarrass } you and Mom. Look, I either incarnate or supplicate } for...DAD! It has nothing to do with sex. Well, yes, } I -am- communicating anonymously with strangers. But, } no, no they never ask to meet me in person behind } the Piggly-Wiggly market. Sheesh. Ok, it's located at } a university. Huh? I don't know Dad. Yeah, there are } probably wild frat parties there, but this is all run } out of some dimly lit corner of a dank sub-basement } in Indiana. No, that's Dungeons and Dragons, this is } nothing like that. It's funny. Like the other day } this guy asked...Well, no. I don't know it was really } a guy. Yes, I guess it could've been a nymphomaniac } murderous female, but Dad I don't think nymphos spend } a lot time online, just pudgy bearded geeks with } glasses surrounded by pizza boxes. Huh? Christmas? } Well, I would like to get a Ouija board & a black goat. } Just kidding Dad, calm. Calm. Look, how about some } O'Reilly books about...Huh? No, they have nothing to do } with the IRA or strong drink Dad. Look, I need to get } back to the queue. Yeah, NO. I'm fine. Shut the door } on the way out will ya? --- 1399-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Grand Oracle, please do tell me... Will Lady Bai Xue entice at the > end Lord Raoh's love? Thank you, Oh Grand Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is one of those age-old questions that has been bugging humanity } for eons. The test below is what all men, Lord Raoh included, mentally } go through when evaluating a woman. The answer to your question depends } on the good Lady's results. } } Scoring: 5 points for A, 3 points for B, 0 points for C. The AA in } Question 6 counts for 4 points. } } 1. Cooking Skills } A. Betty Crocker } B. Frozen Dinners } C. Aunt Abby Brewster } } 2. Beverage of choice } A. Beer } B. Whiskey, neat } C. Anything requiring a blender or more than one fruit } } 3. Feeling about sports } A. Leaves during the game } B. Waits for commercials to talk } C. Packer fan } } 4. Shoes } A. 1 pair dress, 1 pair tennies } B. 2 pair each: tennies, boots, dance, dress, sandals, pumps, heels, } C. Yearly shoe budget >= GDP } } 5. Fishing/Camping } A. Knows perch from walleye, loves ice fishing, tents are for sissies } B. Will go fishing, won't bait the hook or take the fish off } C. Drop me off at the hotel } } 6. Music } A. Classical, Italian (not German) opera, Rogers & Hammerstein } AA. 60's and 70's rock } B. Ice-T, Ice-Cube, Vanilla Ice } C. Likes both kinds: Country and Western } } 7. Her Friends } A. Absolutely love you } B. Generally leave you alone } C. Refer to you as Al Bundy } } 8. Shopping } A. Twice monthly for groceries, twice yearly for clothes } B. "Come with so you can try these on..." } C. Bus driver on the 6A to the Mall of America knows her by name } } 9. Jewelry } A. "No, I've never heard of 'Cubic Zirconia'..." } B. Birthstone earrings } C. Diamonds are a girl's best friend } } 10. Makeup } A. Lipstick and eyeshadow } B. Base, blush, lipstick, eyeshadow, eyeliner, glitter* } C. Has a Platinum card through Cover Girl } } * Okay, glitter can be hot when done right. } } Any ladies scoring 45 or better can conta... } } "Orrie?" } } "Uh, yes Lisa?" } } "What are you doing?" } } "Just answering supplicants dear." } } "What are you writing there?" } } "NOTHING! I mean, nothing at all, sweetums." } } "Ooh, it looks like a quiz. I love quizzes, let me look... } --- 1399-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because instead of rambling endless streams of nonsense } they pancake jargon tango my solipsism entanglement for } a quarter pound of tuna but nonetheless receiver of the } enlightenment cart. } You can also tell by the loss of... the loss of... erm, } I had it on the tip of my tongue... Nevermind. } The definitive sign is, of course, denial. You can take } my word for it, they never admit it. Of course i'm sure } of that, I'm not senile! I'm not!! Why, I've never felt } younger... really... } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of diapers. --- 1399-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most cerebral Oracle, you that has never been late for a date, > you that knows about the place we haven't got to where pi starts > to repeat itself, moreover the Oracle is far funnier than twelve > blue moons, > > How can I safely make lots of noise at midnight on New Year's > Eve and not break any laws? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } South Pole.