From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Nov 12 07:47:47 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.69) with ESMTP id jACClktS002403; Sat, 12 Nov 2005 07:47:46 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id jACCljrL002401; Sat, 12 Nov 2005 07:47:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 12 Nov 2005 07:47:45 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200511121247.jACCljrL002401@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1396 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1396 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1396 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 12 Nov 2005 07:47:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1396 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1391 39 votes 1bfa2 06cd8 2bda3 6ae72 88b39 15gd4 08ec5 398a9 6i771 09g86 1391 3.1 mean 3.0 3.6 3.0 2.7 2.9 3.4 3.4 3.3 2.5 3.3 --- 1396-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O omniscient Oracle, who could open a chess game with the Ware Opening > and yet still defeat his opponent in 20 moves, please help me resolve > the following paradox: I have heard that your IQ is more than a > thousand points higher than the Chessmaster. Therefore, you should be > able to beat the Chessmaster in a game; yet the Chessmaster cannot be > beaten at chess. How would the all-powerful Oracle accomplish this > impossible feat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [A rocky mountain top; a grey-haired old man is seated on a rock. The } Oracle approaches. ] } } ChessMaster: You took your time. } } Oracle: Yes, the directions were far from clear. I don't know } why I bother to follow up on supplications that aren't in } text, but I am generous to a fault. Now you know why I } am here; thanks to my omniscience, I can defeat anyone at } chess in less than twenty moves ... } } ChessMaster: And I am the perfect chess player, who cannot be } defeated. } } Oracle: But if there can be no resolution, then we have a paradox. } } ChessMaster: I'm afraid so -- I can't compete with your omniscience. } And you're no match for my brains. } } Oracle: You're that smart? } } ChessMaster: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of } Capablanca, Alekhine, Nimzovitch? } } Oracle: Yes. } } ChessMaster: Patzers. } } Oracle: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a game of chess. } } ChessMaster: For the universe? } } [The Oracle nods.] } } ChessMaster: To the death? } } [Another nod.] } } ChessMaster: I accept. } } Oracle: Good. Then I will set the board. } } [As the Oracle sets the pieces on the board, with the white pieces in } front of the ChessMaster.] } } Oracle: All right, the battle of wits has begun. It ends when you } decide which side to play and we both move, and find out } who is right and who is dead. } } ChessMaster: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what } I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the } winning pieces in front of himself, or his enemy? } } [He studies the Oracle now.] } } ChessMaster: Now, a clever man would put the winning pieces before his } opponent, because he would know that only a great fool } would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, } so I can clearly not choose the pieces in front of } me. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you } would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the } pieces in front of you. } } Oracle: You've made your decision then? } } ChessMaster: Not remotely. Because white has the benefit of the first } move, and so has an early initiative. And the initiative } leads to advantage in space or control of the centre, as } you believe you have the initiative over me. So I can } clearly not choose the pieces in front of you. } } Oracle: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. } } ChessMaster: Wait till I get going! Where was I? } } Oracle: Initiative. } } ChessMaster: Yes -- initiative, and you must have suspected I would } have known about hypermodern openings that demonstrated } controlling the centre was not an advantage if the } central pawns were immobile and could be turned into a } target, so I can clearly not choose the pieces in front } of me. } } Oracle: You're just stalling now. } } ChessMaster: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten } Mikhail Tal, which means you're tactically strong and } understand that white's real advantage in controlling the } centre comes from the superior mobility of your pieces, } for instance Paul Kere's fine victories over Boris } Spassky in '55 or Efim Geller in '62. So I can clearly } not choose the pieces in front of you. But, you've also } bested Tigran Petrosion which means you must have deep } positional understanding. And with that understanding, } you must have learned that *controlling* the centre does } not necessarily mean *occupying* the centre, as Daniel } Bronstein demonstrated against Frantizek Zita (Prague, } '46) where, as black, he made an exchange sacrifice and } even offered another knight in order to open up the dark } squared diagonals for his fianchettoed king's bishop. So } I can clearly not choose the pieces in front of me. } } Oracle: You're trying to trick me into giving away something -- } it won't work -- } } ChessMaster: It has worked -- you've given everything away -- I know } who the winner is! } } Oracle: Then make your choice. } } ChessMaster: I will. And I choose -- what in the world can that be? } } Oracle: What? Where? I don't see anything. } } [The Oracle looks over his shoulder; the ChessMaster switches around } some of the pawns while the Oracle has his head turned.] } } ChessMaster: Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. } } [The Oracle turns to face him again; the ChessMaster starts to laugh.] } } Oracle: What's so funny? } } ChessMaster: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's play -- me as } white, and you black. } } The ChessMaster v The Internet Oracle, } Universe paradox resolution death challenge, 2005. } } 1. e4 c5 } } Oracle: You guessed wrong. } } ChessMaster: [roaring with laughter] You only think I guessed wrong -- } [louder now] -- that's what's so funny! I switched pawns } when your back was turned. You fool, you fell victim to } one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Every } Russian schoolboy knows: in such positions you must } recapture with the pawn." But only slightly less well } known is this: "Never play the Sicilian when death is on } the line." } } [The ChessMaster's laughter abruptly stops, and he falls off his rock, } dead.] } } Oracle: Checkmate, I think. } } You owe the Oracle clear compensation for white against the Poisoned } Pawn. --- 1396-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most chatty, cogent, copious, cursive, declamatory, disputatious, > easy, effortless, effusive, eloquent, facile, flowing, garrulous, glib, > liquid, loquacious, mellifluent, mellifluous, natural, persuasive, > prompt, quick, ready, running, silver-tongued, smooth, smooth-spoken, > talkative, verbose, vocal, voluble, well-versed, wordy Oracle.... > > What is the correct grammatical usage of the semi-colon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In this century, at least, the semicolon has only three common uses. } } *** USAGE 1: Separate the items in a list after a colon: } } This seems obvious enough: } } The following books will be covered on the midterm: the Odyssey, } through book 12; passages from Ovid's Metamorphoses; and the } selections from Chaucer. } } *** USAGE 2: Separate two independent clauses in one sentence: } } Shakespeare's comedies seem natural; his tragedies seem forced. } } A simple test for this use is: if you can use a period and a new } sentence, you can also use a semicolon. In this use, the semicolon can } always be replaced by a period and a new sentence: } } Shakespeare's comedies seem natural. His tragedies seem forced } } is correct, so a semicolon can be used. } } It's unsafe to use a semicolon anywhere else. } } Semicolons help you connect closely related ideas when a style mark } stronger than a comma is needed. By using semicolons effectively, you } can make your writing sound more sophisticated. } } Use a semicolon to combine two independent clauses with no connecting } words. For example: } } Pam is going to school; she plans on staying there. } My truck broke down; it should be fixed in a week. } } A semicolon can also be used when joining two independent clauses } together with one subordinating conjunction. Subordinating } conjunctions are words such as: moreover, however, therefore, } consequently, otherwise, nevertheless, and thus. For example: } } Pam is going to school; moreover, she plans on staying there. } My truck broke down; however, it should be fixed in a week } } Do not join independent clauses by a comma! If two or more clauses, } grammatically complete and not joined by a conjunction, are to form a } single compound sentence, the proper mark of punctuation is a } semicolon. } } Stevenson's romances are entertaining; they are full of exciting } adventures. } It is nearly half past five; we cannot reach town before dark. } } It is of course equally correct to write the above as two sentences } each, replacing the semicolons by periods. } } Stevenson's romances are entertaining. They are full of exciting } adventures. } It is nearly half past five. We cannot reach town before dark. } } If a conjunction is inserted, the proper mark is a comma (Rule 4). } } Stevenson's romances are entertaining, for they are full of exciting } adventures. } It is nearly half past five, and we cannot reach town before dark. } } Note that if the second clause is preceded by an adverb, such as } accordingly, besides, so, then, therefore, or thus, and not by a } conjunction, the semicolon is still required. } } I had never been in the place before; so I had difficulty in finding } my way about. } } In general, however, it is best, in writing, to avoid using so in this } manner; there is danger that the writer who uses it at all may use it } too often. A simple correction, usually serviceable, is to omit the } word so, and begin the first clause with as: } } As I had never been in the place before, I had difficulty in finding } my way about. } } If the clauses are very short, and are alike in form, a comma is } usually permissible: } } Man proposes, God disposes. } The gate swung apart, the bridge fell, the portcullis was drawn up. } } *** USAGE 3: Control colon diseases } } In the field of human health care, there exist several diseases of the } colon. These are considered immunity-system diseases, because they all } affect the body's ability to protect itself from airborne virii. The } semi-colon can help protect the colon from some of the worst colon } diseases, such as Ulcerative Colon, or Chron's disease. } } After his colon got an ulcer, many people viewed it as a semi-colon. } } Note: Do not confuse Irritable Bowel Disease with Ulcerative Colon. } While the symptoms of both diseases are similar, they respond very } differently to treatment. Your doctor should begin by running tests to } properly diagnose your disease. } } [Incarnation AllanW] } } You owe the Oracle a barf bag. --- 1396-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, > > What's up -- or rather down -- with my ISP's intermittent > connectivity problems? > > A. Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certain "scientists" would claim that high sunspot activity can affect } electronic circuitry thus interferring with your ISP's connection can } causing the problems you are expriencing. } } Learned people, however, know that there is a species of slug (limax } datumphagiae) that feeds on data packets by attaching themselves to } the wires that connect your house to the outside world and sucking the } information out of them. } } Call an exterminator. } } You owe the Oracle a side of beef and half an ice-cube. --- 1396-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does food become poo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FOOD } FOOT } MOOT } MOOR } POOR } POO? } } That is how FOOD becomes POO? in only 5 steps. See if you can do } better. } } You owe the Oracle a way to go from NUTRIMENT to EXCREMENT. --- 1396-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you know what it's like to have acne. Pimples. > Complexion problems. Even though you prombly don't have > them yourself. > > My face is a sea of pimples. No matter what I do or don't. > I've tried giving up chocolate. I've washed and washed. > I've tried tying one hand behind my back. I've tried > prayer. Now I'm writing to the Internet Oracle. > > The Junior Class Midwinter Carnival Dance is coming up > December 10th. Yes, I know that the day is not yet winter, > but that's what the Dance Committee (I'm not on it) wants > to call it. My problem is Harriet Phuwmbacker. I want to > ask her to the dance, but I'm afraid she'll find my face too > repulsive. Is there some method better than wearing a > Halloween mask (they're cheap right now) or a paper bag > on my head, to keep me from looking so hideously ugly? > Or some words I can use that'll charm Harriet into feeling > that it's ok to kiss a toad because he might someday turn > into a handsome prince? Harriet herself is no beauty, but > in my eyes she is just fine because she is so good at > mathematics. She knows integral calculus better than our > teacher. She enjoys writing programs in sed, which marks > her as a programmer's programmer. And when she writes > short essays for English class, she always turns in a > translation into Latin, as well. Or occasionally Greek. > What a joy just to know she exists! > > Please help me. I don't dare approach her without your > advice. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't even bother. Harriet is obviously quite a nerd. Why would you } want to date a nerd? Are you crazy? No, there's no hope for the two } of you. I suggest avoiding her at all times. } } You owe the Oracle Harriet's phone number...umm...so I } can...umm...conduct a follow-up survey? --- 1396-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I'm not feeling well. I went to see the doctor > and he gave me some medicine. He told me to take it > religiously, so I say an Our Father and three Hail Marys > whenever I take the medicine. > > It's not working. I still feel awwwful. Is my religion > wrong? Should I invoke Cthulhu instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your religion is not wrong per se, but is far from being the } wisest choice for medical purposes. For starters, you need a } much higher dosage for it to have effect, especially if you } don't pray in proper Latin. If it does have effect, it it more } likely to be in the form of spontaneous bleeding from certain } points over the body. } } Cthulhu would be an even worse choice, since your rituals will } only have effect after a few strange aeons, and you'll probably } have forgotten all about your sickness by then. The ultimate } effect will make your current pain insignificant in comparison, } and should you have survived long enough to witness it, your } life expectancy will be ridiculously small. } } As for other religions: } } Judaism will make you suddenly realize that you have countless } other ailments that you had, strangely, never noticed before. } You will be occupied in seemingly endless rants about them until } mealtime, during which your health (at least your appetite) will } be restored. Then you'll have indigestion to add to your list. } The good news is that you'll be too busy babbling to notice the } pain. } } Islam will bring you to the conclusion that your suffering is } nothing but the divine will, which is of course incurable. You } will still be in pain, but you will feel a lot better about it. } That is, of course, until you meet a patient from a different } Islamic stream who will claim your pain is the wrong kind and } it does not please Allah like his own pain does, and will inflict } a holier kind of pain upon you. } } Zen will make you question whether you are feeling pain or not. } That will lead you to ponder whether you feel anything at all. } From there you will be asking whether you are there to feel any } pain, and if you take a pill and have no disease there to cure, } will you still get the icky side effects? Your meditation will } only be disturbed by the sound of your condition evolving into a } peritonitis. } } With Rastafarianism, your health condition will not improve, but } you will feel goooood, man. } } The list could continue endlessly, but that would serve no purpose } (except for showing off my omniscience, which I always do anyway). } The right religion for your problem is, definitely, Rhodism (refer } to Oracularity #996-07 for details). Faithful and zealous practice } of this religion will bring you knowledge to find the right cure, } and of course laughter which everyone knows is the best medicine. } } You owe the Oracle a lifelong vow to renounce woodchucks, 10% of } your crops or nearest equivalent, and one of those fancy MD diplomas } to hang on his wall. --- 1396-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and spacious Oracle, please tell me: > > In physics, what is the string theory? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } String theory proposes that elementary particles are one-dimensional } 'strings', as opposed to zero-dimensional points. Basically, when you } look on the most fundamental level, the universe would be somewhat } analogous to a very convoluted ball of yarn, which is constantly being } played with by a gigantic space cat, whose size is several orders of } magnitude beyond the comprehension of you mere mortals. } } We here call him Zippy. } } You owe the Oracle 5.7*10^4523478 cans of tuna. --- 1396-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A little girl walks up to the Oracle. She carries a balloon > and some chocolates. "Thank you for being such a nice Oracle > and answering all our questions, uncle Orrie." - says the girl > as she presents the balloon and chocolates to the Internet > Oracle. "You're the best!" - she adds, and kisses the Oracle's > cheek before skipping out of the Temple. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Come in, supplicant. } } Supplicant 1: Why is the sky blue? } } Oracle (aside): No grovel. I guess I have to answer it though. } } Oracle: Because it would look stupid if it were pink. } } Oracle: Next! } } Supplicant 2: I'm having friends over for dinner and I burnt the pie I } was making. What should I do? } } Oracle (aside): Again no grovel. Where's the respect? } } Oracle: Tell them it's a new carbon topping. } } Oracle: Next supplicant, please. } } Supplicant 3: Great Wise Almighty Oracle, I am unfit to smell your } feet. You are the master of all knowledge, and know more answers than } Deep Thought. Your radiance illuminates us in our darkness of } ignorance. Though I am not worthy of speaking with Your Greatness, I } beg you to answer one question for me. } } Oracle (aside): That's more like it. } } Supplicant 3: H*w m*ch w**d w***d a w**dch**k ch**k if a w**dch**k } c***d ch**k w**d? } } Oracle: GET OUT OF HERE! } } Oracle: That's it. I'm quitting this stupid job. I get no appreciation } around here. } } Supplicant 4: Oracle, if you have a moment? } } Oracle: I guess. What is it? } } Supplicant 4: Thank you for being such a nice Oracle and answering all } our questions, uncle Orrie. You're the best! } } The Oracle owes you a hug, an apology for being grumpy, and his thanks } for making all that he does worth while, and realizing that it is not } praise that the Oracle desires most, but love. And chocolate. --- 1396-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, why do people dislike mice since they are the > smartest animal in the kingdom -after whales of course. why do people > dislike mice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unknowingly, supplicant, you have already hit upon the answer: } } Mice are disliked *because* we--I mean, they--are so smart (much like } geeks). Smart enough to get into the houses and food supplies and } closets of humans. } } That, and when a mouse crawls into a closet and chews up someone's } favorite outfit and makes a nest in it, that mouse looks so much cuter } in it than the owner ever did even though it's many sizes too big. } This helps explain why women like mice even less. } } You owe the Oracle some extra-sharp cheddar cheese and cheese-flavored } saltines. --- 1396-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just got this e-mail from a friend. It read... > > "Moofle badgers squirrel nosefeathers w00t w00t underpants" > > What on earth does it mean, oh Oracle so wise in the ways of the > random and strange? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As the Oracle finished reading the question, he turned around } and spoke to one of the columns in the Temple. } } "I know you're there. You can come out now." } } The Oracle's words were met by silence. The Oracle sighed and } addressed the column again: } } "Put that shuriken down and come out quietly. If you look behind } you you'll see my priest Zadoc pointing a staff of miniZOT at you. } I believe you will be more reasonable knowing this." } } Zadoc couldn't be happier. Following his Master's instructions, he } disguised himself as a statue of Thag, stood in the spot the Oracle } had told him, and lo and behold, now he had nothing less than one } of the feared Trojan Ninjas on the business end of a staff of miniZOT } (not the full ZOT effect, but a nice deterrent anyway). And he hadn't } botched it! His Master would be so pleased that maybe tonight he } wouldn't have to sleep in a cardboard box. Or at least he'd get some } duct tape to patch it. The ninja stepped out from his hiding place } behind the column and stood where the Oracle could see him. } } "Well done, Zadoc. I'll take it from here. You can go back to } cleaning the cesspits." } } "But, Your Undecidability! What if this felon... ?" } } "Zadoc... ?" - the Oracle said as he raised an eyebrow. } } "Y... Yes, Master. Thank You, Master" - Zadoc bowed and left } hurriedly, leaving the ninja alone in the mighty presence of } the Oracle. } } "You needn't tell me who sent you; " - spoke the latter, "It } was *them*, of course. None else would be stupid enough to } send a stealth assassin in order to take out an omniscient } (not to say immortal) entity. Now, if you were a Spartan } Samurai, at this point you'd be ripping your bowels open with } your own hands. Your kind, however, is far less reluctant when } it comes to switching sides, should the offer be good enough..." } } "What's your deal?" - asked the ninja, in a tone that hardly } showed any emotion. } } "My part consists in getting a new agent for dealing with } stuff I wouldn't want to see my name involved in. Your part } consists in not being ZOTted, and as you can see, my staff } isn't 'mini'. Don't bother to say you agree - I already know } that you do. Now come here and take a look at this." } } The Trojan ninja did as commanded and read the words on the } Oracle's terminal. Under his mask, he turned pale. } } "You recognize it, don't you? 'Moofle badgers squirrel } nosefeathers w00t w00t underpants'." } } "It's..." } } "Trojan cypher, I know. Humour me and translate it, please." } } "'Release queue vampires at 12'. What does it mean?" } } "It means that you have work to do." - The Oracle produced a } map on his computer and marked a spot with a red dot. "Those } damn rodents have been busy breeding an army of bots, capable } of launching a distributed askme flood and draining the queue } dry. The implications if they succeed would be... horrible." } } "You would have no questions to answer? The w**dch**ks would } keep the grovels and tributes?" } } "Oh, considering the stupid questions and lame-to-inexistent } grovels I get at times, that would'nt be too bad. No, what I } mean is far worse: the w**dch**ks will be able to give _answers_. } Sooner or later, some supplicant will ask *that* question, } and then they will give *their* answer. If that happens, all } will be lost." } } "So that was their plan... They sent me to keep you occupied } while they had the vampires ready?" } } "Exactly. So it will be delightfully ironic to send you to } exterminate all the queue vampires. Start at the house } marked in the map. It's the supplicant's friend's house; } he's one of theirs. Eliminate him." } } "Is he a Trojan ninja too?" } } "No, he's just a message relay. Doesn't know the codes, so he } can't read them." } } "Then why eliminate him?" } } "He deserves it - his day job is being a spammer. That's how he } ended up sending this message to the supplicant by mistake. In } his house you'll find directions, in Trojan cypher, of the } locations of the vampires. Return when they're all destroyed." } } The ninja nodded before vanishing in a horse-shaped cloud of smoke. } The Oracle stared blankly at the terminal for some moments. Were } the woodchucks (being alone, he could speak freely) really so } stupid to think that such a plan would work? Or maybe... no... } With a pressing sense of urgence, he typed the following reply to } the supplicant's question: } } } Either you will know what it means by tonight, or by tomorrow it } } won't be important at all. } } You owe the Oracle a shift of queue patrol. Make sure to be } } carrying a good supply of wooden stakes. } } The Oracle thought for a second before hitting Send. He suddenly } felt he needed to do something right, and that he wouldn't have a } lot of chances to do it in the near future. } } } Oh, and a cardboard box. In good condition.