From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Sep 19 08:30:27 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.68) with ESMTP id j8JDUQeA026071; Mon, 19 Sep 2005 08:30:26 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j8JDUPj8026069; Mon, 19 Sep 2005 08:30:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 08:30:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200509191330.j8JDUPj8026069@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1392 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1392 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1392 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 08:30:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1392 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1387 34 votes 24aa8 37ba3 4c6a2 26ca4 33bf2 3b8a2 368a7 36cb2 128g7 14c89 1387 3.3 mean 3.5 3.1 2.8 3.2 3.3 2.9 3.4 3.1 3.8 3.6 --- 1392-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of infinite wisdom, > > What are the legal and ethical issues regarding writing a > mind-control screen saver and installing it on all the lab computers > in my university? > > Also, which lab, if any, is likely to have girls in it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never mind legality or ethics, let's consider practical } matters. } } Even without using my omniscience, I think we can put together } a profile on our supplicant. Caucasian male, age 18-22, possibly } in need of a little sun; chemistry wizz when younger, once referred } to himself as a 'mathlete', now specializes } in computing; owns the special edition DVD of 'Weird } Science', and maybe 'Zapped' as well. Probable motive for mind } control screensaver: removal of women's clothing. } } Inspite of the best efforts of dangerous cults the world over, the } only real inroads in mind contol screensaving have been from } simply having naked women on the screen. The bad news, it only } worked on 18-22 year old males; the good news, it really does } control their minds, and even caused clothing to get removed. So } as long as your prepared to be flexible about the results, it } is certainly acheivable. } } As for finding a lab with alot of women in it, look for a course } with a name like "Hypersexed: Feminism and the 'Net"; I'm sure } they'll be impressed with your efforts. --- 1392-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, > > Do you have any good home remedies for headaches? > > Much appreciated. > Joe. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hit your thumb with a hammer, and you'll forget about } your headache. Make sure it's a BIG hammer, so that } when you hit your thumb, and forget about the hammer, } you'll drop it on your toe. That way you'll forget about } the pain in your thumb. --- 1392-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You let your dog do WHAT??!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. The dog got to second base with Who, What } was out in left field at the time. --- 1392-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: T. Gies The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of the Dungeons, > > Why must every floating eye be escorted by a single newt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because floating eyes are tremendous practical jokers, and the life } and soul of every Nethack Christmas Office Party. What's funnier } than a a paralysed adventurer being savaged to death by a newt? } Other common floating eye jokes to look out for: paralysed } adventurer gets hit in the face by pie full of rusty nails, } paralysed adventurer gets bucket of whitewash and grid bugs emptied } into his pants, paralysed adventurer gets shocked by hand buzzer, } set on fire and left in the path of an angry umber hulk. } } You owe the Oracle a Ring of Free Action. --- 1392-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how can i stop procrastinating? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Set yourself on fire, you'll be so motivated it will scare you. --- 1392-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: T. Gies The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I get addition information to guide me in my current > situtation. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would try the textbook "Glencoe English", ISBN 0-02-657070. Pay } special attention to Chapter 3, "Punctuation for Questions," and } Chapter 12, "Personal Letters, Formatting Business Correspondance, and } Grovelling for the Oracle." } } Given the Oracle's history with questioners that do not grovel } properly, The Electric Power Research Institute's "Guide to Personal } Protective Grounding for Working in Lightning Storms or in the Presence } of Excitable Dieties" may come in handy over the next few minutes. } } You owe the Oracle the question mark key from 200 Cyrillic keyboards, } and a surge protector. --- 1392-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been having these dreams about lamas... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Hello Dalai. . . --- 1392-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wonderful, > > If the answer is blowin' in the wind, why don't they let us take the > test outdoors? It'd be so much easier. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind because your instructor } didn't latch his briefcase properly before he came into the building. } Right now the answer key to today's test is currently 12 yards above } the Chemistry building, moving northeast at 22 knots. } } If it was going to be easy for you to catch the answer key, you'd have } received a track scholarship instead of a work-study job mopping } floors. } } You owe the Oracle a passing grade. And if you step outside before } handing in your paper, you'll get an automatic zero for cheating. --- 1392-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Resplundent and preponderous Oracle, I have run out of words to use > when grovelling to you, and have adopted the annoying habit of making > up new ones. Should I instead just do a headstand in the Oracular mud > in your Oracular mudbath instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grovels are unnecessary. } } Don't focus on the process itself, use it. } } Look, here is your chance to get the questions of the Universe } answered and you're worried about the wording of something that } doesn't matter. . . } } You owe the Oracle ten questions, one at a time, the answers to } which will change your life. --- 1392-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Festering Oracle, you are sore at me, and I guess > you are sore at supplicants everywhere. Is that because we > occasionally forget to grovel? Look, I'm not perfect, like > you. I'm just an humble supplicant, fer crysake. If I do > not grovel, that in itself is a form of grovelling! I'm > showing you what a miserable failure I am when it comes to > expressing my appreciation of your Grand and Super-Overrated > Mental Abilities, All Capitalized. Harrumph!! > > Look, could you loan me a left-handed hacksaw and a radiator > voltage tester? My auto mechanic says I need a new muffler > bearing, and he quoted me $3755 for the work and parts. I > told him I'd do it myself, and he said I didn't have the > right tools. That'll be those things I just mentioned. I'll > also need to find the muffler bearing, so could you tell me > what it looks like? And maybe you know where I could get a > used one for cheap? I asked at the auto parts store and > the redneck guy there just laughed at me. These redneck > mechanics and parts guys seem to think I'm an idiot, an > easy mark. Well, I can fix anything on my car. It may take > me a while, but I can do it. Like the brakes. They were > squeaking, and the mechanic said, let 'em squeak, but I > oiled them and that stopped it. And the steering wheel nut. > The parts guy said the problem with my car was the nut that > holds the wheel, and I found it. When I tightened it a lot > of liquid came out, but the car still works, but the steering > wheel is a lot harder to turn. Maybe I tightened the nut > too much? > > Oh, and just so you'll know I really am smarter than that parts > guy, I told him I wasn't sure the gas gauge was working right, > so he said look into the gas tank, and if you can't see the > gas, light a match. I knew that was a joke, and I didn't do > that. It was a joke, right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, A conundrum --"If I fail to grovel, it is because I am a failure at } groveling, which is itself a grovel." } ??? } } Are you a politician? That might explain your question. Well, we'll } address that later... } } On to the answer, not that you deserve it... } } First, Senator, I hate to break it to you, a left handed hacksaw and } radiator voltage tester will not be enough to finish the job. You will } also need a metric adjustable wrench, a reverse drill, and a quart of } elbow oil (make sure you get the oil and not the grease, the parts } store will know the difference). } } [If you're in a hurry, you can get the whole package from my TIOmazon } web site for just 29.99 (TIO dollars, consult your bank for current } conversion rate -- /FinePrintOn 091005 exchange conversion 0.001 USD to } 1.00 TIOD /FinePrintOff). Or call us -- just pick up your phone, dial } 1, and any 10 digits at random. When the phone connects, don't wait } for the operator to answer, just give them your credit card number, } full name, billing address, and that extra three digit number from the } signature line on the back of the card. Then hang up, the operator } will know what to do.] } } Now that you have the correct tools, Gov'nor, we'll tackle that } muffler. First you need to lift up the car. Your fellow Governator of } California or the former Governler of Minnesota can help you with that. } Underneath the car is a great big tube running from the engine to } something that looks like a great big can of potato chips (yeah, the } artificial kind). If it has a scarf wound around it, it's a muffler, } otherwise we call it that less-noise-making thingy. Now, find the big } metal tube that comes out of it. Yes, the big rusty one with the holes } in it. Does it have an open end? Yes? Well, it looks like your } muffler bearing fell off. So, you'll need to stop up that hole in the } end. Oh, and you'll need to lubricate it as well. The best lubricant } is vegetable oil, and as anyone that has eaten fast food french fries } knows, the greasiest is potato oil. So, go to the grocery store and } get a very large baking potato. Cut it in half (no, sideways, not } lengthwise) and stuff it in the hole. Work it around real well to get } the maximum lubrication. The best part is, if you leave the potato in } place, it nicely blocks the hole left by the missing bearing. } } Ok, Congressman, tell your friend the Governator to let the car down } real easy, and we'll work on those other problems. No, don't start the } car yet, you need to wait until the hottest part of the day. About } those brakes, I'm afraid you got that one wrong. It's not the } B-R-A-K-Es that were squeaking, but the B-R-E-A-Ks. You know, those } guys in back of the service bay having a smoke and coffee. You need to } oil them. That overhead hose they use to put the oil in the car will } do fine. Set the dial to 30 quarts, and let it spray. If the garage } doesn't have one, just throw bottles of 10w30. } } You also tightened the wrong nut. It's not the nut that holds the } wheel, but the nut *BEHIND* the wheel. Sit at the wheel. Now look } behind your. Hear that noise? Yes, it's your mother-in-law. Take her } out for drinks or spike her coffee -- when she's tight enough to fall } asleep, then you can drive in peace. } } Oh, and you were right about what the guy said about checking the gas, } Mayor. Everyone knows that you check the gas by pouring a pound of } sugar into the tank, start the car, and time how long the engine runs } until it stops -- seconds = quarts, so your tank has 1 gallon for every } 4 seconds the engine runs before dying. } } We're done. Start the car. If the engine stalls, take some of that } spiked coffee you gave your mother-in-law, open the hood, take the } cover off of that air cleaner thingy, and pour the coffee into the big } hole in the middle. After all, everyone knows that alcohol will burn, } and coffee wakes you up. It should work on your engine. } } All right Mr. Pres. That should take care of your car. What? It still } won't work? Well, maybe you should take it back to the garage. At } this point, pay them whatever they want, you can just add it to the } national debt. } } No, don't thank me, just send the Oracle one inverted framistat. My } car keeps rolling away when I take the brake off, and the parts store } was out... Oh, and about thst grovel? It failed to impress me...