From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Mar 22 15:16:59 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.65) with ESMTP id j2MKGwBT000393; Tue, 22 Mar 2005 15:16:58 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j2MKGwU1000391; Tue, 22 Mar 2005 15:16:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 15:16:58 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200503222016.j2MKGwU1000391@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1382 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1382 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1382 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 15:16:47 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1382 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1377 27 votes 04ba2 29754 087a2 159b1 167b2 33957 2aa41 047d3 a4544 05d81 1377 3.1 mean 3.4 3.0 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.4 2.7 3.6 2.6 3.2 --- 1382-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Most Oraculous, > > How, exactly, do I know when a question is Oracle-worthy? Or, when > could a question be answered just as well by asking my local > mathematician\lumberjack\zookeeper? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a good question! Here's a handy reference chart: } } Question | Answerer } -----------------------------------|--------------------------------- } What's the derivative of the | } hyperbolic tangent tanh(x), and | } thus its gradient at x = pi? | Mathematician } | } If a tree falls in a forest and | } nobody is around, who gets the | } logging rights? | Lumberjack } | } How tall is a newly-born giraffe? | Zookeeper } | } What's an expression in terms of | } x for the number of days it will | } take to clear a forest of x trees | } if your rate of cutting down | } trees is directly proportional to | } the number of trees remaining in | } the forest? | Mathematician/Lumberjack } | } What's a series expressing the | } number of pairs of rabbits you | } have after n months, if you begin | } with a pair of infinitely fertile | } immortal rabbits, which become | } fertile at an age of two months | } and have litters of one male and | } one female every month? | Mathematician/Zookeeper } | } In what zoo habitat can I find | } those little brown fuzzy things | } that eat bugs from the inside of | } fallen, rotting trees? | Lumberjack/Zookeeper } | } If a w..dch.ck can chuck wood at | } a rate of 3 kilograms per minute, | } and you can cut down trees of an | } average mass 12 tons at a rate of | } one tree per fifteen minutes, how | } long will it take for you two | } combined to cut down a forest of | } 200 trees, assuming a workday of | } length 8 hours for you and 12 | Mathematician/ } hours for the w..dch.ck? | Lumberjack/Zookeeper } | } How, exactly, do I know when a | } question is Oracle-worthy? | Oracle } } You owe the Oracle the answers to the sample questions. Show your } working. --- 1382-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle most wise and benevolent please hear me. > > Where is the real amulet of yendor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is a hidden entrance to an ancient labyrinth that pre-dates the } rise of man five blocks due north of the Colosseum in Rome. Most of } those unfortunate few who find their way into this labyrinth, either } in search of it or by accident, end up lost and starve or become } victims of the strange creatures that live there. It is said that one } day the Chosen One will enter and descend over 100 levels down, into } the lowest and most dangerous portion of the labyrinth, just outside } the Gates of Hell. Along the way he will face many challenges, some } too hideous for even me to speak of. Once outside the Gates of Hell, } he will face the indescribably hideous and fierce twin creatures who } were put there millennia ago to guard the Amulet. Should he manage to } defeat them, he then will be set upon by the demons of Hell as he } tries to ascend back to the surface. } } Unfortunately for the Chosen One, the Amulet of Yendor is now in a } locked drawer (second one down on the right) of a desk in a forgotten } basement room of the restaurant next door to the labyrinth's hidden } entrance. } } You owe the Oracle the Amulet of Yendor and an expression of thanks } that you're not the Chosen One. --- 1382-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Overwhelming Oracle, you astound the Astounding and analogise > the Analog(ue). I sit in your back seat and make slightly grovelly > driving noises while you ask me to shut up. > > Please help me with my Grandmother. She's not really my grandmother, > but my maiden Aunt Cleora, my actual grandmother's sister. We took, > so I am told, to calling her Grandmother after my grandmother had died > in the coreposis epedemic of 1947. It was sort of a joke, because she > had never married, and never had any children. She's very much like > you, in that she knows everything, but occasionally her words get a bit > jumbled in the transcription from her mind onto my notepaper. > > Anyway, as she gets old, she's either getting wise, or more subtle, or > maybe both. She says I should marry, but I think she's confusing me > with my brother, who didn't marry until she wa 38. I've been married > about six or seven times, but it didn't work out. I'm not looking to > marry again real soon. > > How can I get her to stop getting older? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well I never! I had a supplicant the other day ooh he was so witty, } he made these nice little analogggy anolizy noises the other } day -- he deserves such a sweetie! He wanted to know whether he } should marry! Not often does anyone answer these sort of question } these days. Them young people are so disrespectul and rude these days. } They have no manners, not grovel, but rush straight into the question! } Thy think the're so clever, not in the old days when people read books. } Now they play these toys all day long and think they're so clever. } Clever ha! Thay don't learnt the time tiables and can't add in their } head nowadays. Whatever happened to proper schooling these days, } now there's all these new fangled maths in round rooms, and playing } games on computers all days long! Ooh the cheek of it they even look } at naked women on 'em screens. The shamelessness of these youths. } They're too young they go straight past the legal warning screen } though they're clearly well under the age of 18! Shouldn't be allowed! } Should be net nannied right up to 18! They did in my days they did. } } The war that did it. The one my husband Bertie died. Ooh he was such } a hero. He was an air man he was. Ooh Bertie what big trousers he } wore! (Holding up fingers in the air) he shot down 13 Germans he did! } Before he was shot down by the Red Baron in the Battle of Britain. } He defended the nation right and proper, against Hitler he did. } We were fit then, our food were rationed, we dug for victory. We even } had to make our own pizzas in those days, you couldn't get them off } the shelf, not in those days you couldn't. We had those little books, } them rations books, the shopkeeper will tear off a page when you did } your shopping. We were all fit as a fiddle then, not like today when } half the people are fat and lazy now. Couch potatos they call 'em now. } I remember these Yanks came over to help us in the war. Ooh their } uniforms were so smart! Not dull and brown like ours. They were over } paid, over sexed, and over here. They were no match for my handsome } Bertie though. Ooh Bertie was hung like a stallion! EEh! } } Today's youngsters couldn't fight their ways out of a paper bag! } Only last week they went to Vietnam and complained about the heat! } They used napalm on children. Should've seen the girl on the front page } all over tha papers then, she was running and burnt and all screaming, } all the clothes burnt off her backs! Ooh the cheek of it! } } I see President Reagan got through for the second time. And Margaret } Thatcher lost the election, and Tony Blair won. I never voted Labour. } Always Conservative. Churchill was a hero - he brought Britain through } the war. A bulldog he was. That right a bulldog. We have a poodle now. } Tony Blair the Poodle. And Reagan he was always going on about Star } Wars. I remember when I watched Star Wars - it was on the picture } last month. I couldn't understand it with them robots and Darth Vader, } gnomes with big ears and these funny swords. Darth sounded so much } like Bertie and he wore all black like Bertie did. Only his trousers } weren't as big as Bertie you know! Wink wink nudge nudge! } } The Americans had another war the other day, not a big one like The } War the one where my Bertie was shot down in his spitfire. They went } to Iraq, or Iran, where the Arabs live. They were looking for oil, } or DMW, or WDM or is it WMD? Oh I don't know. Its all new fangled } these day with these new appreviations. They found Saddam, the one } with the big moustache, like Thomson in Tintin. Or was it Thompson? } They found him in a hole in the middle of nowhere. Ooh he was so } pitiful, Saddam was all thin and looking like a tramp. He couldn't } cook or wash up! Served him right! Now the Americans have stayed on to } give them an election. They keep getting blown up, and now the young } boys don't want to join the US Army. Don't blame 'em! They think } its like backpacking and shooting with a rifle after a day's hike. } They don't train them like they used to, they even wear glasses! } EEh they let women fight! They look so smart in their uniform! } My grandson showed me how to surf the web he did. He showed me these } videos like little TVs, little pictures like the telly the size of a } postage stamp! oh why cant they makes the videos bigger it strains my } eyes to peer so close. They got them videos of them boot camps where } they train em up to be soldiers. They make them so easy these days. } They wouldn't join if they weren't made so easy for them! } } Oh sorry the Oracle, should the supplicant marry? Well he married 6 or } 7 times, or was it 8? Well if he can't hold down a marriage, then I } don't think he should even bother. He might as well have a one night } stand, ooh the cheek of it! What do these youngsters do now, they } go to them discos, they do the twist, and they grind their legs and } rub the bottoms together! They don't dance proper like they used to, } with steps and all, foxtrots, and walzes, now that's proper dancing. } Its all started with Rock and Roll. Devil's music. Them places are } so noisy, they go all deaf. They take drugs too. Why cant they take } medicine at home in the bathroom? Now they take em like smarties, } all them different colours. They even eat blotting paper! Then they } see things, colours and things like that. Its them hippies, they take } drugs, and tell the youngsters to drop out! } } What was the other question, how can you get her to stop getting } older? Now that is a conundrum, like a pretzel! Well you can't! } Isn't it obvious! But them mortals you cant expect em to see time } like we can? We all grow old, the mortals die and take their place } in one of the Nine Planes, like the vicar said at Sunday school. } Except the immortals we have died and we live for ever now. You can } talk forever in the Land of Obsequious W**dchucks. Ooh they even have } numbers on their ears! They wait on you hand and feet and don't throw } things about! Ooh so well behaved! Or maybe it's the way you see em? } If your a good incarnate you will go to First Heaven! Just like the } vicar said. } } Or if you're a good supplicant, you go to Fifteen Zero, and you play } beach volleyball all the time! Saw it on the Olympics on the telly } the other day! No not the mountain, the games! The cheek of it, the } women shorts are so shorts that half their bottoms are sticking out! } They keep scratching em! They play so well! No wonder the stands } are full of men packed like sardines! The refs should make them wear } shorts like the mens, but the stand wont get their money's worth } would they? It's them shorts that pull 'em in you see, and the men } pay them tickets and so the women can get paid! Its two big squares } down that way if you want to have a look! } } And ad infinitum. --- 1382-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All hail the Oracle, the Oracle has vocal modulation of a > rock star, the expressive power of a movie star, and more > power than a neutron star, > > Who can repair the humpback whale? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, did it get accidentally circumcised? } Then you'll need four skin divers. --- 1382-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most thingumational Oracle, whose coolativity is most sizeablous... > > What are the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse, the ominous portents of the > End of Days? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Large firey objects will fall from the sky at an alarming speed. } } 2) Wars will break out amongst all nations (including Switzerland), } and the greatest and most respected governments of the entire world } will collapse. } } 3) Great advances in science will lead to societal destruction. } } 4) Natural disasters will ravage the planet as Mother Earth attempts } to obliterate those who have taken advantage of her beauty and wealth } for so long. } } 5) The animal kingdom will rise up and declare itself independent of } human rule, forming an army that will dominate what is left of the } world. Dogs will tell humans to sit, no longer vice-versa. } } 6) The existence of the written word will cease when your printer } explodes in a blinding flash of light. } } 7) Communication will be made impossible as suppicants to the Oracle } begin to use words never before seen in any dictionary } ("thingumational"? "coolativity"? "sizeablous"?). } } You owe the Oracle a telescope -- this should be fun to watch. --- 1382-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle Most Witty, you are a deity with all his own hair > and a humorous side-kick and a million sure-fire gags and > an infinite supply of wisdom, Wow, you're grand! > > How can I make the horse's demise look like an accident? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will need a gun, some amunition, and the horse, of course. Ride } it into your local bank Actually you may need to walk it in. But get } back on the horse once you get inside, because your cover is that you } were using it for effect. Procede with your standard loud and } obnoxious robbery. When the police show up outside, grab a bag of } money, a hostage, and the horse, and go outside. Have a discussion } with the police along the lines of "If you follow me and the horse } I'll blow John or Jane Q. Hostage's head off." Wave your gun around } "for effect." "Accidentally" pull the trigger when it's pointed at } the horse's brain. If you're still alive at this point, collapse over } the horse and begin bawling "Oh, Rufus! Why? Why?" Substitute the } horse's actual name for Rufus.. As you are slammed to the ground and } your arm is twisted behind your back for cuffing, relax knowing they } will never know that killing the horse was your intention all along. } } You owe the Oracle 10 years with good behavior. --- 1382-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Two obscure mentions in Return of the King...one in the Silmarillion... > Oh great Oracle, who probably has read everything Tolkien wrote in the > History of Middle Earth, could you please save me the effort of going > to the library and looking through several volumes by telling me > directly what Variags are and what they do all the time down there in > Khand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm not positive but, judging from this early Tolkien draft, I would } guess they were to supposed to be bovine. } } (courtesy of the Tolkien estate) } } "I am you as he are you as he are thee and thee are all together. } See how they fly like dwarves in the sky, see how they soar. } I'm boring. } } "Sitting on a toadstool, waiting for the man to show. } Silmarillion hair-shirt, silly on the weekend. } Elf, you been a little org, you let your ears get long. } I am the milkman, they are the milkmen. } I am the Variag, moo moo m'lube. } } "Mister barefoot hobbit sitting } Happy little hobbits in a row. } See how they drink like fish in a sink, see how they roar. } I'm boring, I'm boring. } I'm boring, I'm boring. } } "Sitting in a khandish garden wanting to be found. } If they don't show up, I'll get a burn } From waiting for the clouds to turn. } I am the milkman, they are the milkmen. } I am the variag, moo moo m'lube m'moo moo m'lube. } } "Wizards lizards halfling schmalfling } Don't you know the goblins dream of you? } See how they sleep like that Smigl creep, } See how they snore. } I'm boring. } } "Semolina pilchard, roasting on an open fire. } Father Francis Morgan saving one more lost sole. } Man, you should have seen him having unprotected sex. } I am the milkman, they are the milkmen. } I am the variag, moo moo m'lube m'moo moo m'lube. } Moo moo m'lube m'moo moo m'lube m'moo..." } } You owe the Oracle a glass onion. --- 1382-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful traveller, who smites out of love, do bestow > upon me a grain of unvarnished truth...... > > What would you do with Peoplesoft anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Put it in the dryer with my load of people so that they come out fluffy } and smooth to the touch. } } .... What? Not people *softener*? } } Well. I'll have to look into this one further. } } You owe the Oracle a new dryer. --- 1382-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is an acorn a nut or a fruit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The "Acorn" is neither. } } It's the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN). } } However, they do accept donations of both fruits and nuts. } } You owe the Oracle a squirrel. --- 1382-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! > > Who the heck picked all these pecks of pickled pepper? I'm > knee-deep in the darn things! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, while many know that Peter Piper picked many a peck of pickled } peppers, few know the importance of Petra Penny, another pickled } pepper picker, who picked plentiful amounts of pickled pepper in her } time. When Peter Piper met Petra Penny while picking many a peck of } pickled peppers. Peter Piper, who was going through puberty, liked } Petra Penny, who was plentiful, so he picked petunias for Petra when } he should have been picking pecks of pickled peppers. Peter and Petra } fell in love, but their pickled pepper picking job suffered as they } found new plentiful 'pickled peppers' to pick. So with threats of } being punted from their job and given a pink slip, Peter Piper drove } his pinto to Pittsburgh to purchase a pneumatic pickled pepper picker, } promised to pick plentiful amount of pickled peppers perfectly and } automatically. The pneumatic pickled pepper picker picked so many } pecks of pickled peppers that you are now knee-deep in them. } } You owe the oracle a new 'P' key.