From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 18 10:32:23 2003 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.60) with ESMTP id h9IFWMxU003159; Sat, 18 Oct 2003 10:32:22 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id h9IFWMsf003157; Sat, 18 Oct 2003 10:32:22 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 18 Oct 2003 10:32:22 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200310181532.h9IFWMsf003157@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1339 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1339 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1339 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 18 Oct 2003 10:32:11 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1339 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1334 52 votes 18kf8 3bfi5 01hjf 7fgb3 4cfd8 187hj 37le7 6ehe1 06ik8 28iea 1334 3.3 mean 3.4 3.2 3.9 2.8 3.2 3.9 3.3 2.8 3.6 3.4 --- 1339-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear wonderful Oracle whom I consult far more often than wikipedia, > > There is plonk. There is XXXX. Please tell me about the other great > cultural achievements of Australia. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Australia's greatest cultural achievement is become the very } incarnation of a fad. This has been going on since its inception, and } Australia has been, not merely produced, but been, one fad after } another. Once the English decided to send all unsavory criminals to } Australia, everyone established little penal islands, for no apparent } reason, and stopped almost as suddenly. Once Australia discovered } alternate uses for sheep, everyone started doing it, a practice now } limited to those places where popular culture never fully penetrates, } like Scotland, New Zealand, and West Virginia. Crocodile Dundee came } and went. Then came and went. Then came and went again. Yahoo } Serious, Koala bears, and countless others have charmed foreigners, } only to be discarded just as quickly. Soon, Vanity Fair will run an } article on America's on-again, off-again romance with Australia; that, } too, will be forgotten. } } You owe the Oracle a pet dingo before everyone wants one. --- 1339-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > Why do I get more points for making a contract in spades than a > contract in clubs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, you need the concept of turnips. In the game of submaroon } one of the suits can be designated as turnip. It loses, regardless } of the number of them you hold, when it adds to more than the full } moon. If the moon contracts, however, (and that's why the game is } sometimes called contract submaroon or contract moon for short), } then each of the five suits must be evaluated in turn, by yelling } and shouting. The ranking of the suits, normally spades, hearts, } pitchforks, diamonds and clubs, can be altered in several ways, } none of them obvious to the neophyte. On the other hand, if spades } or pitchforks are the turnip suit, it pays to dig into your pocket } for that extra card you have hidden for special occasions. The } sudden appearance of the ace of spades or the seventeen of pitchforks } can spell the difference between a slow and boring game, and a } fast and rowdy one. --- 1339-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > I just saw the Truman Show, and it's got me thinking about my own life. > > Basically, what I'm wondering is, am I really the governor of > California but don't know it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Give it up Gray. You lost by a landslide. --- 1339-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The world's museums hold but a wee fraction of a percentage of > the things the Oracle knows about, The Oracle is capable of > thinking more consequential thoughts in a second than a crowd > of human scientists could conceived in two lifetimes, > > Why has the room next door slowly filled with junk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? Huh? Well, I'll be! Where did all this come from? A bust of } President Garfield? A 1435 Hz oscillator? A Russian "space" pencil? } People have started sending in their tribute! I'm flabbergasted. } } You owe the Oracle a French Maid. --- 1339-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh glorious oracle whose munificence and magnamity surpass human > understanding, I beseech you to tell me: > > Why is the earth flat? You would have thought that the great creating > cyberbeing would know that a sphere is a more geometrically efficient > object than a cube. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If the world were spherical, maps would either have to have latitude } and longitude lines meet at odd angles, or to overemphasize the area of } countries such as Greenland. } } The first option would have been disasterous for sailors. The second } would have ticked off Africa. } } Besides, a perfectly spherical planet would have turned oblong due to } the effects of gravity anyway. } } And that's why the Earth is flat. } } You owe the Oracle an accurate globe. --- 1339-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I get a new mast for my boat, > without getting shafted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ho, ho. } } The Oracle, like everyone else, gets "those" emails. } } Subject: GET A HUG3 MA$T FA$T!!!! } Subject: Want a Schooner that'll make her a swooner } sooner? } Subject: A VAST MAST "MATIES" AWAIT U!!! } Subject: Discreet Riggings, Vertical Spars R US } Subject: FRIGATE PHOTOS! GIB JOB PICS! 838jjd2j } Subject: Wanta Mast You Can hang a Crow's NEst } ON? --click here- } Subject: Walk ME PLANK Northerner! A Mast for } a Yank! } Subect: Yar hAR! You'll POP a Vessel, OAR YER } $$ BACK! Huge MAST GUARENTTED! } } Pirate Porn, it's everywhere. . . } } You owe the Oracle some dessert and an isle. --- 1339-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most fluffy of pillow and warm of blankie... > > I couldn't sleep last night. Is it true there's no rest for the wicked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, as a candle such as yourself, I'm sure you've seen first hand } the horrors of the studious scholar. } } Indeed, being omniscient, the Oracle can imagine the pain that you } suffer when lit on fire and forced to stand still amid a downpour of } melted wax. Unfortunate as it is, these cruel studiers hardly even } think about the feelings of their enlightening companions, leaving } you aflame all through the night. } } But fear not, brave candle, for you shall not be wicked forever, } and eventually you will melt down, and then you shall be able to take } your deserved rest in a landfill. } } You owe the Oracle admission to a wax museum. --- 1339-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of deepest blue and shimmering green highlights... > > Orrie, I'm very sad today. How do you suggest I cheer myself up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } :) :) Ten Ways to Cheer Yourself UP :) :) } } 10. Pretend you're someone else. Enough of being } a loser already, be someone that people would } care if they lived or died. } } 09. Buy yourself a huge diamond or a jet. Nothing } like a gift to show yourself how valuable you } are. While useless others have to make do with } anything less, YOU will have a gift worthy of } someone worthwhile! } } 08. Have lunch with a world famous celebrity! Hang } out with Liv Tyler, go bowling with Colonel Briggs, } see a film with Mustaf Glandor. Then laugh at the } dumb as dirt proles that don't even know who those } people are, yet alone know them well enough to be } with them! } } 07. Run 25 miles each morning. The exercise is secondary } to the warm glow you'll feel knowing that there are } literally TONS of dullards out there that can't run } up a flight of steps without wheezing, but not you, } YOU ARE SOMEONE SPECIAL! } } 06. Write a best selling novel. Don't hide all that talent } under a bushel basket. Besides it's fun going on } Letterman. } } 05. Take a couple of years off to study mediation in } Tibet, or surf Maui, or hike across the Sahara. } Let the wage slaves work, YOU deserve time spent } doing things exciting and grand. } } 04. Develop a cancer cure. Saving others from a life } of pain will give you a warm fuzzy glow. } } 03. Win a Nobel Prize. } } 02. Explore Mars. } } 01. Sit around the house stuffing food in your face } feeling sorry for yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of potato chips. --- 1339-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is president of China? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes he is. } } What you owe the Oracle is on second. --- 1339-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most Wise, > > Is it true that holding my breath for ten minutes will make me turn > purple? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no, no. The best you can do is turn red, then blue, and that does } not take anywhere near ten minutes. Then your body relaxes, no matter } how hard you try, and when your eyes open you are pink again. Colorful, } but not what you were looking for. } } You would only turn purple if somebody else held your breath, long } after you turned blue. That is Not A Good Thing. I do not recommend it } for most people. } } You should stay away from the carbon monoxide thing, too. Turns out the } resulting pretty red color does not happen until it is far too late for } you to see it. } } Body paints work at least as well and are more fun. Yes I know, as } performance art it has been done, but that is the point: you get to do } it again and again. You might even get good at it. } } You owe The Oracle some body paints, and a few good canvases.