From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Aug 5 09:43:21 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h75DvH629104; Tue, 5 Aug 2003 08:57:17 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2003 08:57:17 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200308051357.h75DvH629104@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1329 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1329 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1329 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 05 Aug 2003 08:57:03 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1329 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1324 58 votes 18cs9 09oj6 56dld 47kk7 47cpa 2ihe7 49igb ghc85 35fjg 3ajdd 1324 3.3 mean 3.6 3.4 3.5 3.3 3.5 3.1 3.4 2.5 3.7 3.4 --- 1329-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most venerated, stupendous and crenellated, > There has been an upsurge in MIME activity in the queue recently. > What steps can we take against this plague? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Plague is the word & No Mistake! Many are the summer afternoons } at the park that have been irretrievably spoiled by MIME activity! } I find them to be the absolute creepiest of all street performers. } As for steps to take: If there weren't practical concerns to advise } against it, I'd advocate flame throwers! Barring that, I find that } an "Intimidation Dance" a la the Maori of Polynesia to be effective, } although exhausting. --- 1329-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, > > I'm *sure* that there's a better reaction to the ceiling falling down > in this room than what I'm doing. What is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish supplicant, not only is it so that there is *a* better } reaction, but it seems to me (and I am oniscient, therefore, it is } so) that all other courses of action would be better. Seeing how } your computer is much more limited than mine it could not sample an } email describing all the things you should rather be doing. Thus, } here are the } } ><>< Top Ten Things To Do When The Ceiling Is ><>< } ><>< Falling Down In The Room You Are In ><>< } } 10. Leave room as quickly as possible. } } 9. Look for shelter. } } 7. Call your mom. } } 6. Call your significant other if applicable. } } 5. Undergo heroic attempts to sacrifice yourself for the rescue } of others. } } 4. Pray } } 3. If you've hitherto been an atheist, reconsider, quickly chose an } appropriate religion and pray, anyway. } } 2. Have sex. } (Unlikley to be successful, but it's your last chance failing to make } use of options 10. , 9., 4. or 3. above.) } } 1. Scream, yell, panic. } Most likely to be succesfull, but with a highly impractible definition } of "success" being applied. I.e. chances are you wil lbe able to } scream, yell and panic to your heart's contempt - briefly - but you } won't be better off for it. } } Under no account should you ever attempt to calmly stay in front of } your computer and e-mail for general advise. } } Well, make that under no account but one; there is, after all, a dim } chance that you really do want to get this year's first place in the } annual Darwin Awards. } } You owe the Oracle a new computer with roll-over bar and head } protection should you ever be found and revitalized. --- 1329-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does garlic taste so good at night, but tastes so bad the morning > after? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C'mon, Vlad. If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times. Stop } lurking around outside Italian restaurants. They're no good for you. } It's like sniffing glue: the person you're *really* hurting is } yourself. --- 1329-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you know everything already, does that mean I don't have free will? > > (You already predestined that I fail to grovel, for instance.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, dear supplicant (well, not so dear as the ones who do grovel } properly, but I'll overlook that for the moment), what you fail to } realize is what exactly the word "everything" includes. Certainly, I } know about all the things that you will do, from now on through the } rest of your life. But I also know about all the things that you } *won't* do: I am aware of *all* the possibilities, for every quantum } event from now until the heat death of the universe. } } Which specific decisions you make -- whether you'll wear the white } socks with the hole in the toe or the striped socks with the hole in } the heel (you know, you really ought to buy some new socks) -- aren't } determined until the appropriate wave functions are collapsed. } Naturally, as the Oracle, I can choose to collapse those functions in } order to make a prediction, as I so often do when answering } supplicants' questions about the future. } } Some supplicants are bothered by this, claiming that by making such } predictions I take away their free will (even though it was your own } fault for asking the question, Janice Greeley of Sammammish, Washington } -- I know you're reading this in the digests). They are well within } their rights to try to subvert my predictions and act counter to their } own quantum predeterminations. It *will* cause a paradox in space-time } that will destroy/will have destroyed/willen haven being destructen } (sorry -- mucking about with space time wreaks havoc on English verb } grammar) their universe and every living thing in it (including the } kittens), but that genocide will be own their hands, not mine (or would } be, if they still had any hands, as opposed to having had them } destroyed along with the rest of their universe). } } And of course, an infinite number of otherwise identical supplicants } will continue their lives in their own otherwise identical parallel } universes that *weren't* destroyed by a simple lack of consideration } for the fabric of reality. So you might as well just go along with it } and think twice before asking any more questions about things what man } was not yet to know. } } You owe the Oracle fifty thousand dollars. In fact, you *will give* the } Oracle fifty thousand dollars. I have foreseen it. And you wouldn't } want anything to happen bad to this kitten, would you? --- 1329-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So who _did_ let the dogs out? Has anyone called the SPCA? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Woof. Woof, Woof. Woof. } } Although that does not, as it seems, answer your question, since it is } always followed by a repetition of your question. Of course, the } answer to your question likewise never changes, suggesting one of two } possibilities. } } 1) Those who answer the question are unable to understand why their } answer does not satisify the questioner. } } 2) Those who ask the question are unable to understand the answer. } } Since you have asked this of the Oracle, it cannot be the first: that } is impossible. It must therefore be the second. Since you do not } understand "Woof. Woof, Woof. Woof" to be an proper answer to your } query, the Oracle will not begrudge you an explanation of its answer. } } "Woof." --- Are there dogs out? I sense from the question that there } are dogs out. There must be dogs out. } } "Woof," --- You there, who has alerted me to the dogs being out, why } are you not letting me out? I want to go out. If there are dogs out, } I must also go out with them. } } "Woof." --- Perhaps you did not hear my last statement. Let me repeat } it. You there, who has alerted me to the dogs being out, why are you } not letting me out? I want to go out. If there are dogs out, I must } also go out with them. } } "Woof." I see that you do not understand me. It is obvious that it is } not you who has let the dogs out. I will therefore ignore your } requests to not hump your mother's thighs. } } You owe the Oracle an appointment with the vet. --- 1329-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and all-knowing Oracle, please grant me an answer to my > question... > Will Camille ever find her soul mate and live happily ever after? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } News flash: She did, thirty-four years ago. Only problems were that (a) } her soulmate was Gulfport, Louisiana; (b) she was a Category 5 } hurricane; and (c) the noise and the thrashing around were a bit much } for the neighbors. } } You owe the Oracle a set of satin sheets and a Doppler radar. --- 1329-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Brilliant one, > definer of all that is defined, > formatter of all that is formatted, > > Why is the day divided into 24 "hour" periods? Wouldn't ten or 100 > make more sense? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because ten is too little and one hundred is too much and 24 is } just right. Besides, everyone since the ancient mesopotamians knew } that geostationary satellites such as the OPTUS Q5 take 24 hours to } orbit the earth, so they based the day off that. } } You owe the oracle an hour of your time. --- 1329-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who would win an election for wisest Deity if such a > contest was held, though it need not be since -everyone- knows > you are the best and anyone who said other wise would be tore > limb from limb by your countless admirers, > > How does writing to the Oracle differ from writing to Santa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'd better not shout, you'd better not yell, } You'd better not type in HTML. } Oracle is coming to town. } } He's handsome and smart, and he's a crack shot, } He's making a list of people to ZOT! } Oracle is coming to town. } } He has the Ancient Wisdom! } He sees through every eye! } He knows when you have drained the queue! } He's an all-round special guy! } } You'd better not shout, you'd better not bawl, } You'd better not mention w********s at all. } Oracle is coming to town. --- 1329-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Unless they alter their course and there's no reason why they should, > they'll reach your computer lab in two days at the latest." > > Kinzler sucked placidly at a pen cap and for a few seconds gazed > without answering at the agitated Assistant Dean. Then he took the pen > from his lips, and leaned slightly forward. With his short, dark hair, > bulky nose, and lucid eyes, he had the look of an aging and shabby > software engineer. > > "Decent of you," he murmured, "padding all this way just to give me the > tip. But you're pulling my leg of course when you say I must do a > bunk. Why, even a herd of undergrads couldn't drive me from the lab of > mine." > > The college official threw up lean and lanky arms and clawed the air > with wildly distended fingers. "Kinzler!" he shouted. "You're > insane!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ The Oracle sets down the script and pretends } to think about it for a second. ] } } Oracle: Well, I do like the local color angle, but } I just don't think America is ready for a } film in real time about a sub-basement being } attacked by snails. Thanks anyway. Plate of } salt? Ho, ho, just kidding. Sheesh, keep } your shell on. --- 1329-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0018_01C35ABD.CD124030 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" > > Why shall my Ying constantly crave for some Yang ?? > > ------=_NextPart_000_0018_01C35ABD.CD124030-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Let's find out! } } [ The Oracle claps his hands and out rushes } a MIME, in traditional white face make-up } and all black clothing. The Oracle claps } his hands again and out rushes an anti- } MIME, a very chatty lass dressed all in } white with a mask of obsidian. ] } } Oracle: Watch! } } [ The MIME and anti-MIME circle each other } warily, faster and faster --until the } two are a blur of gray. Then suddenly they } stop and hug, they are now one. ] } } Zadoc: That is the single cutest answer ever } Wise One. } } Oracle: Dang it Zadoc! When you're right, } you're right. } } [ The Oracle zots both the MIME and anti-MIME } into a smoldering mess. ] } } Oracle: I hate MIMEs. I should have made one } of that one an anti-matter-anti-MIME } then when they hugged KABOOM! Hee, hee. } } Zadoc: Evil sir, Wise, yet evil. } } You owe the Oracle an obsidian mask that doesn't } weigh thirty five pounds and doesn't slice ones' } fingers up when you try and lift it.