From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 20 16:28:35 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gBKL0Zs11342; Fri, 20 Dec 2002 16:00:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 20 Dec 2002 16:00:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200212202100.gBKL0Zs11342@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1300 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1300 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1300 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 20 Dec 2002 16:00:22 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1300 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1295 61 votes 8ekg3 5bmf8 06ria 8dqa4 48gna 6ije4 1dcjg 3bdp9 1egka 49gfh 1295 3.3 mean 2.9 3.2 3.5 2.8 3.4 2.9 3.6 3.4 3.4 3.5 --- 1300-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS > THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS > THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS > THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There, there, lads. No need to feel bitter. Siamese quadruplets may } have made big bucks back in the days of vaudeville, but now you have to } destroy the universe twice to get an audience to blink. What you need } is something the yokels haven't seen before. Hmm ... } } Wait -- I know! Maybe if you had the separation surgery *onstage* ... } no, that would only work once. You need something with some longevity } to it. Hmm ... } } Hey, what if you went under the knife, (assuming you could find a } doctor with a REALLY WIDE operating table) and then velcroed yourselves } back together? Then you could do the conjoined thing for your opening } number, *RRRRRRRIP* apart for the first act finale, and then come back } together for your curtain call! This has potential; I know it. You guys } got an agent already? } } You owe the Oracle a barbershop quartet rendition of "Stuck in the } middle with you." --- 1300-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, my one and true knowledge master thingy, > > When are the Europeans going to pay us back for rebuilding Europe > after WW2? Will we get the interest as well? Please hurry, we need to > get rid of this deficit. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Soon as we pay them back for the capital we used to kick out the } original inhabitants and set up our own operation. I'd say that } converting what we owe them from 1776 dollars to 2002 dollars, and } adding on two hundred and twenty six years' interest, would make their } "debt" to us look like pennies in a lint trap. } } You owe the Oracle a lick of common sense. Try borrowing one from a } friend. --- 1300-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > RFC #3305922AF > > Suggesting immediate implementation of the following commands: > > baskme > taskme > flaskme > caskme > maskme And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Suggesting" an "immediate implementation", eh? And without any } definition of the commands fuctions? Well, how about I outline } what they should do, and then you go code them up? Running code } is ever so much more persuasive to programmers. } } baskme } } The user is seized (with reasonable force), stripped of } all clothing, and laid out in the sun. The user will be } released after the first of these conditions is met: } } 1) Body temperature goes up two degrees fahrenheit } (typically due to tropical conditions) } 2) Skin color gets two shades darker, or one shade } redder (normal basking) } 3) The user is exposed to four consecutive hours of } sunlight without meeting the conditions of 1 or 2 } (this might happen in the polar regions where the } sunlight is weaker) } } taskme } } The user is assigned a minimum of one hour busy work. } Each additional use of the command within a one week } period can double the amount of busy work, up to a } maximum of thirty-two hours. } } flaskme } } The user is liquified, distilled, and the evaporate } condensed and stored in eight ounce capacity pocket } flasks (as many as needed). } } caskme } } Similar to flaskme, but the storage is in casks of } one barrel (fourty-two gallon) capacity (as many as } needed). } } maskme } } A lovely maiden is summoned to the user's location. The } maiden provides a reclining chair for the user, applies } a soothing mud face mask, and waits hand and foot upon } the user for the duration of the mask setting period } (not to be less than one hour). The maid then strips } and uses her clothes to wipe the mask off. } } You owe the Oracle an early implementation of the maskme command. --- 1300-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No! The scoring system is all wrong! You should get one point if > you make it to first base, two for second and so on... > > And home-runs should count for 6 points. > > Yeah! Yeah! And no more of this umpires decide who's out nonsense. > The players on the field at the time of the play will vote! > > Umpires should have a new duty. If you strike out the umpires should > give you a hug and explain to you in detail what you did wrong. > > And there are too many innings. I get bored. I say no more than > four per game. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kids these days... you should appreciate that you can even get to first } base on the first date. Umpires would just add insult to injury; I } understand that being told what you did wrong is supposed to help you } score the next time you're up to bat, but really it can get depressing. } } If you're getting bored, try innings and outings (and innings and } outings); four plays is a good idea, but if it's done right you might } want more than just four. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything; Lisa already hits it out of the } ballpark everytime with me, so I'm just peachy. --- 1300-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O punctual Oracle, > > Ready or not, here I come! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But I'm not ready! Time for the Martha Stewart marines!! } } I don't know but I've been told } daisy napkins hold their fold! } Martha Stewarts in the know } tea light candles have a glow! } } Okay men, I need table settings here, here and here! Bring in } supporting cutlery along both lines and we're going to need } comforting light sources coming from the east!! Now move, } you half baked quiches!!! } } You owe the Oracle just a few more seconds. --- 1300-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No questions today, the static electricity routing is acting up... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In that case, I hope I won't be charged. --- 1300-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, please enlighten me: > > Is it true that Britney Spears, except for being a singer, is also an > expert in semiconductor physics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um What? Britney Spears is a singer??? } Oh, wait, I think you have her confused with someone else. You see, } a search of the directory reveals that there are approximately } a half dozen Britney Spears in the US. And yes, one of them, who } prefers to be called, "Brit", is an expert in semiconductor physics. } Of course the Britney Spears YOU are thinking of is only an expert in } a different type of silicon, um, well, I can't elaborate here, but you } know what I mean. You owe the Oracle a music video of Britney Spears. } Without the sound. It's not the singing ya'll are watching. --- 1300-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The finest sage to ever rob Davy Jones locker, the only person who > knows the latitude and longitude of the four corners of the earth, > everyone's first choice to name which are THE seven seas, answer > please this simple question: What should you do with a drunken sailor > who can't get up in the morning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heave him by the leg with a running bowline. } } You owe the Oracle a set of instructions for tying a } bowline that does not involve rabbits and that even the } most bumble-fingered landlubber cannot get wrong. (The } Oracle can tie a bowline. It's his supplicants, along } with just about everyone else, who cannot.) --- 1300-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle whose modem I am not worthy of even glimpsing > at, > > Why is my cable modem suddenly getting such terrible speeds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's one of the following reasons: } } a) Someone is watching high definition TV and hogging the cable. Cure: } Hide the remote. } } b) It doesn't like you anymore. Cure: Take it to dinner and a movie, or } better, dinner and a late-night cable modem movie. } } c) It's not plugged in. Cure: No duh. } } You owe the Oracle a sign that says "SPEED LIMIT: 56.6 kbps". --- 1300-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Life about who we are or who we might be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it's just a magazine about pop culture.