From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Dec 12 13:33:09 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gBCI1wc15376; Thu, 12 Dec 2002 13:01:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002 13:01:58 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200212121801.gBCI1wc15376@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1298 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1298 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1298 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002 13:01:45 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1298 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1293 60 votes 4hhf7 49w96 39tg3 17pgb 69jm4 648mk 1cki9 3agjc 49jm6 bfeb9 1293 3.3 mean 3.1 3.1 3.1 3.5 3.1 3.8 3.4 3.5 3.3 2.9 --- 1298-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii > > Everytime a frog croaks, is he dead? > > --------------------------------- > Do you Yahoo!? > Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now > --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802 > Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii > >
Everytime a frog croaks, is he dead?
>



Do you Yahoo!?
> Yahoo! Mail Plus - > Powerful. Affordable. > Sign up now > --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is an automated response from the Oracle's new RQBL system, the } Realtime Queue Blackhole List. } } We're sorry, but your request for the Wisdom of the Ages has been } rejected because: } } RQBL207: Content filtering detected the pattern **o* c***ks in the } message, possibly referring to a forbidden marmot. } RQBL415: MIME content was detected, and the Oracle is running low on } silencers. } RQBL001: Gallagheresque content was detected. } RQBL214: Your mandatory freemail signature was longer than the body of } your message. } RQBL666: No grovel was detected. } } Your address will be retained in the RQBL for a period of one year, } barring any further infringements against good taste and politeness. } If you have taken steps to rectify the problems referenced above, } please post a message to rec.humor.oracle.d listing this incident } number and the phrase "Daniel and his fish are welcome guests in } my house." This will give the regulars something to talk about. } } Please join us in making the Oracle a better service for everyone! } } The RQBL --- 1298-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you want for [Chrismas/Hannuka/Kwanza/Solstice/whatever]? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Santa's not the only one who keeps a list, you know. I remember all of } those things I've asked you for in the last year. Now would be a great } time to pay up. Let's see here... } } An upside-down octopus } 12 pints of Guinness } A picture } The videotape } One big dubya } A Babel Fish } A lantern (lit) } My underwear back } A photocopy of your face } A meerkat } The secret to the universe in your mind } 3 of them. } } FedEx would be best. --- 1298-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Deathless and venerable Oracle, > > What is the age of reason? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } You'll find out when you're older. } } You owe the Oracle a Babe in the Woods. --- 1298-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Conspicuous Oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On my first day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 2nd day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 3rd day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 4th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 5th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 6th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 7th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 8th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 9th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Nine Lisa de-pantsings, } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 10th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Ten LotR film referAncings, } Nine Lisa de-pantsings, } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 11th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Eleven Pilfered Routines, } Ten LotR film referAncings, } Nine Lisa de-pantsings, } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 12th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Twelve W..dch.ck Questions, } Eleven Pilfered Routines, } Ten LotR film referAncings, } Nine Lisa de-pantsings, } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } You owe the Oracle a lot of birds and some frisky servants. --- 1298-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > when will I find a job? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When you stop sending email with the subject 'tellme' and start } sending ones with the subject 'resume'. --- 1298-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > It wasn't the Taliban, but George bombed Afghanistan. > It wasn't Sadam, but George is going to bomb Iraq. > > Please explain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's an old American tradition. Let's say you're jaywalking, and the } traffic is pretty weak so you figure you can get away with it, but lo } and behold, an express bus comes and bounces you back on the curb. } You're pretty hurt, and you don't have socialized medicine, so how do } you get the money to pay for the bills? } a) sue the bus driver, since s/he was controlling the vehicle that } hit you } b) sue the bus company, since they have enough money to pay the bills } c) nobody, since it was your own fault for jaywalking, or } d) the city, for not preventing you from jaywalking nor the bus from } hitting people. } } Sadly, most Americans would answer b. Some would even answer d, and } would fight pretty hard, with a self-righteous platform about how the } city should take more responsibility for the safety of it's citizens. } Surprisingly few would answer a, either because b would be more } lucrative, or d would "help" the community. } } I'm sure you can see the analogy here. Afghanistan is the bus driver } (which, to extend the metaphor, got his bus driving job because the } jaywalker is a buddy of his and pulled some strings), Iraq is like the } bus company (OPEC can pay plenty of hospital bills), and the United } Nations security council is the 'city,' who is getting so distracted } by these miscreant bus drivers that they're overlooking China parking } in handicaped spaces, North Korea running red lights and Rwanda's } poisoning of the school cafeteria. } } Convincing a group of Americans ("a person is smart, people are } dumb, panicky animals," said a certain Man In Black) to pick 'c' is } damn near impossible, especially when they see how other Americans, } usuallly their own parents, are prospering / have prospered from } the monies gained by options a or b (see also: America vs. Columbia, } America vs. Panama, America vs. Mexico, America vs. Canada, America vs. } Japan, America vs. aboriginies, America vs. local ecology, etc etc). } "So what if I knew my bus driving buddy was blind as a bat? The bus } company should've detected that in the interview and kicked the bum } out before I got hit! It's the company's fault -- I didn't intend to } get hit by a bus, I was just crossing the street... and they should've } put a crosswalk there anyways." } } Hey, it works. Americans will prosper from executing these attacks } today. When their children grow up, they'll learn from their parents } that jaywalking into traffic is how you make large gobs of money. } } You've got three options: } - campaign against jaywalking. Try to institute education programs } so that people will know the dangers of jaywalking. "The money you } make from the lawsuit isn't worth it." } - teach your own children, impress upon them that jaywalking is a } bad idea. } - propose at city hall that busses should have cowcatchers, so that } nobody hit by a bus will survive the experience to go to court. } } I think North Korea is working on that last option. I strongly } recommend you use one of the first two. } } You owe the Oracle a crash helmet. --- 1298-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A little to the left.... } } Down a bit .... } } There ! } } Yes, that's perfect! } } Ahhhhhhhhh } } You owe The Oracle a bamboo back-scratcher. --- 1298-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hurrah for the Oracle! He is wise and knows how to conjugate verbs in > Finnish. > > Should I put it in a plain brown paper bag? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You could, and that would look pretty inconspicuous for a while, but } then it would start to move and probably tear the bag, and then you've } got a big lizard running around and nothing to carry it in. A burlap } bag inside of a plain brown paper bag would probably work better. } } You owe the Oracle the address of your supermarket. --- 1298-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I stop the global milk conspiracy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my reptillian friend. I knew you would turn to me with this } problem in the end. } } When the squeaky little things had fur instead of scales, I said } "King Lizard, you should devour them all now." You blew it off, } saying "I'll take care of it later." } } When they started acting clever and colonized the seas and air, } I said "You really need to take care of this." You said "Listen, } I'm on it, give me a break, I have to lie in the sun some more." } } When the upright less-furry ones discovered reliable contraception and } at the same time started exploding across the world at an unprecedented } rate, I told you "Hey...wakey wakey!" And again, you ignored me. } } And NOW you're asking how to stop the global milk conspiracy? } } The only advice I can offer you at this point is to eat as many of } their babies as possible. } } You owe the oracle an atavism. --- 1298-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who knows the network like the back of his hand, > > What happens to all the lost packets? Will they ever find their way > home? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging--wait, sorry, } that's sheep. Well, gentle supplicant, let's fire up the network } monitor so you can see what's going on: } } _______| |______| |______ ______ } source o ... destination } -----------| |--------| | ------ } } _______| |______| |______ ______ } source o o ... destination } -----------| |--------| | ------ } } _______| |______| |______ ______ } source o o o ... destination } -----------| |--------| | ------ } } _______| |______| |______ ______ } source o o o o ... destination } -----------| |--------| | ------ } } _______| |______| |______ ______ } source o o o o ... destination } -----------| |--------| | ------ } ooo } ooo } --- } o } Bar } } They'll be home, but not until about 2. } } You owe the Oracle a virtual beer.