From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Dec 4 10:26:24 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gB4F0UV24630; Wed, 4 Dec 2002 10:00:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 4 Dec 2002 10:00:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200212041500.gB4F0UV24630@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1296 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1296 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1296 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 04 Dec 2002 10:00:17 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1296 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1291 60 votes 0gjk5 1bip5 3kmb4 07mq5 6glf2 bgj95 fdbc9 8egca 47pi6 25ldj 1291 3.1 mean 3.2 3.4 2.9 3.5 2.9 2.7 2.8 3.0 3.2 3.7 --- 1296-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much fnord wood could a woodchuck chuck if a fnord woodchuck could > chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you don't look at the it can't get you. } } [ ZOT! ] } } Opps, guess that ain't quite true. Dreadfully sorry. } } Truly, I am. --- 1296-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle is mightier in thought than all the world's minds gathered > as one. He thinks more great thoughts over his morning bowl of Lucky > Charms(tm) cereal than any 24 Nobel prize laureates had in their entire > combined lives. Truly the Oracle is wise, truly he is a great gift to > us lowly mortals! And for this we can not thank the Oracle enough. . . > > Back around 250 B.C. when the Emperor Qin took over most of what is now > China, he had his evil assistant Lisi burn "all unnecessary writings". > What texts were lost to the world due to this act? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, much of what Lisi burned were indeed, unnecessary. However, he } did burn a few things that I suppose would be helpful for the human } race now. These included: } } -the Hsi Quan Xu - the book of ethics for politicians } -the Qi Lon Ni - the book of booting to 'da head (for use against } criminals, of course) } -the Su Xi Phan - the book of stopping any environmental disaster before } it starts } -the Ji Qua Phu - the book of sufficient grovels for the Oracle (I still } damn the loss of that one) } -the Wi Jee Bor - the book of communicating with dead people. } } You owe the Oracle the Gutenberg Project servers, set in about, oh, 300 } BC. --- 1296-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is fire so hot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bob's sexual attraction to fire was short lived. --- 1296-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You don't say. --- 1296-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Warm and Fluffy Oracle you follow everything I say like a sheep. > You keep me from freezing with every laugh, cackle and guffaw that > your answers provoke. Indeed, that is why I'm writing to you today. > > You see, the last time I laughed, I fell on the floor. My doctor > says I must have broken something. He calls it Rotfloler's Syndrome, > apparently named after Dr. Rotfloler who discovered it. > > The doctor's bill for this diagnosis is $632. Can you help pay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Which digests are you reading?!!?! --- 1296-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who is ever up to date, > > What will be the best and worst features of the next Windows OS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Microsoft is currently reworking the End User Licence Agreement (EULA) } code for Windows TAO (Totalitarian And Oppressive, not to be confused } with the Tao of Programming). The Top Five New Features will be: } } 5. Windows TAO will update its licence agreement from the internet as } soon as a new version (of the licence agreement) is released, thus } enabling Microsoft to continuously improve it for Bill^H^H^H^Hthe } user's sake. } } 4. Furthermore, it will automatically accept all licence agreements for } you, including its own. After all, you don't read them, do you? } } 3. Microsoft's EULA will be able to infect the licence agreements of } other software running on the same system, forcing the user to pay } licence fees to Microsoft for virtually every program ever written. } } 2. The EULA text will have a polymorph nature, thus hiding the whole } licence agreement from EULA scanners. This was the only way Microsoft } could prevent detection of malicious text, as it is spread all over the } document. } } 1. Thanks to dot.net technology, Microsoft will not only remain } informed about EULA violations. As soon as Windows TAO has infiltrated } courts and banks around the world, the whole process will be entirely } automated. This includes filing the lawsuit, judging the case and } retrieving the money from the defendant's bank account. } } Thanks to Microsoft's clear marketing strategy and licence policies, } these are both the top best and worst features. } } You owe the Oracle a UN convention concerning the User's Rights. --- 1296-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I get this project done before Christmas, great Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You certainly can, but why would you want to? The longer you spend } researching the mating habits of goats and game-show hosts, the more } government grant money you can sponge. I would advise milking the } project for at least three more years. } } You owe the Oracle an assistantship. --- 1296-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just as everyone who has ever been among Vax users knows that noxious > children faint at the sight of sickly disembodied heads, I know that > everything the Oracle sez is TRUE! I worship you! > > What will the Disney Studios -last- film be about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Having utterly exhausted the entertainment market Disney will in } 2008 turn to documentaries in the hope to bore people enough to } artificially inflate the entertainment market. Being unable to } persuade movie theatres to show it their documentaries series "The } every day life of an architect in the 80's", a masterwork in 5 parts, } they make a last desperate attempt. } } In 2011 Disney starts filming the documentary "The making of a } Documentary", a film that will in the end consume more funds than } the Manhattan Project, the first three directors it drives into the } dark hazes of bizarre isanity. In 2023 Disney is deeply indepted } and starved by "The Making of a Documentary", the fourth director } has started wearing an orange robe and whacking everyone that asks } about the progress of the film with an esteathically pleasing stick } he found in his neighbours backyard. In 2024 Disney goes bankrupt } admitting that it might not have been a good idea to choose "The } making of a Documentary" as subject of "The making of a Documentary". } } You owe the Oracle a generic way to break off infinite recursions. --- 1296-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are the cathedral doors locked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some fool wanted to post his theses on them. --- 1296-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ye great Oracle, master of the world, nay, the universe... > > How shall I repair this sword? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bah! Here, take this. Haven't you heard, "The pen is mightier than } the sword!" } } ------------------------- } } 'There are Orcs out there' said Gandalf `And a great cave-troll!" } } 'They will pay for disturbing the rest of Balin,' said Aragorn } grimly feeling the edge of his pen, Bic, Ballpoint of the West. } } And like a storm in burst the Cave Troll, and forward leapt } Aragorn and with his pen he wrote a Great Flame chocked full } of Hateful Words of Lore on the arm of the Cave Troll, phrases } of great infliction, cunningly crafted they pointed out the Cave } Troll's many failings, his inability to think his way out of a } wet parchment bag. And worse! } } The Cave Troll paused and held up its arm, huge as a beam, so it } could view the words The Pen of Aragorn had written there. But, } alas the Cave Troll was as illiterate as he was strong and the } words effected him not. Down came the troll's arm and with it a } hammer as big as two fattened oxen. And so ended the life of the } heir of Islidur. } } ------------------------ } } Oracle: Oops. Sorry about that.