From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 18 10:21:25 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gAIEsR701575; Mon, 18 Nov 2002 09:54:27 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 09:54:27 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200211181454.gAIEsR701575@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1292 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1292 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1292 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 09:54:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1292 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1287 64 votes 5fnab 2gjm5 3bfob 34djp 36nie 28oq4 2fkj8 5arg6 48rg9 18sha 1287 3.4 mean 3.1 3.2 3.5 3.9 3.5 3.3 3.2 3.1 3.3 3.4 --- 1292-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I imagine scads of scantily clad showgirls with big headdresses > kicking it Vegas Style as they dance and sing the praises of The > Oracle! > > Why are humans so repulsed by cannibalism? All other animals > eat each other without qualms... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's a flaw in your logic: you assume that there are two categories, } human and animal, and cannibalism is eating the flesh of other members } of the eater's own category. } } This is not far off from the working definition of cannibalism (as I'll } explain later), but the flaw is in making categories that are too } inclusive. Non-humans eat other non-humans without remorse, even } without table salt, but it's not considered cannibalism by anyone other } than the most extreme (and hilarious) vegetarians. } } Cannibalism is usually defined as "eating the flesh of one of your own } species and/or tribe." The definition of 'tribe' is certainly } subjective, and can be fluid, but it accurately gets the idea across of } why you can't feed your daughter roast leg of Spot. I'm also using it } to illustrate why feasting on the beating heart of your opponent is } not only permissible but encouraged in primitive warlike cultures like } the Incas, the bushmen of Zaire, or the New York Stock Exchange. } } Cannibalism and incest are called the two 'universal taboos' of } anthropology, but one might say that it's also a result of evolution: } those people and animals who eat the dead of their own herd/tribe tend } to suffer afflictions like Mad Cow Disease (UK cows unknowingly eating } hamburger), kuru (the Fore tribe of Papua New Guinea), torches } and pitchforks (the Sawney Bean "family"), staphylococcosis } (w**dch*cks), and overwhelming self-importance (fashion designers), } all of which hinders one's ability to survive. } } You owe the Oracle a chianti and some fava beans. --- 1292-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...how I may be banished from the great capital of Sweden. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well supplicant besides the obvious (don't pay your taxes) here are } some general tips for banishment. } } NOTE: Did you know the word banishment has it's linguistic roots in the } word banis meaning a hot, flat pancake. } } 1. stop wearing pants } 2. don't eat your broccoli } 3. use red pens for all your correspondence } 4. make whimsical lists based loosely on a given theme } } NOTE: Lists came into fashion in the early 16th century when all } purpose grocery stores began to replace small shops and village fairs } as the place to shop. } } 5. answer every question with a question of your own } 6. speak disparagingly of those of import within the city } 7. borrow books from the library and highlight sections of interest } 8. always return your movie rentals 3 minutes late and apologize } profusely } } NOTE: Late charges on movie rentals were originally only 5 to 10 cents } similar to the late fees charged by libraries. It's a fact. } } 9. always take longer than you need to make a point } 10. consistency is your enemy } 9. stop making sense } 18. make your own rules, for language and math } } NOTE: Mathopathology is the defined as the study of people who died as a } result of their fear of numbers. } } 954. find new ways to be annoying } 955. build expectations that you will act one way and then act another } 659. drive at least 50 km/h slower than the posted speed limit } 1. drink milk from the jug } } Follow these few simple points and banishment will follow. } } You owe the Oracle a change of address slip. Some people collect } stamps... --- 1292-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grand Theft > Felony Murder > Hugging A Bunny Rabbit > Wire Fraud > > One of these things is not like the others > One of these things just isn't the same > Can you tell me which of these things is not like the others > Before I finish this song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, of course it's "Felony Murder", silly. } It's the only answer that doesn't have a word with } exactly 5 letters in it. } } You owe the Oracle a bunny rabbit to hug, and an alibi } for felony murder. --- 1292-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please Wise Oracle answer my humble question then in glory and with > praise depart to that deep place of thought, your noble Indiana > Temple where neither struck by wasting sickness, nor having paid the > wages of the sword you sit and ponder All in your continuing attempt > to guide us out of the stupidity in which we are mired. For unless > we are guided by your words and ideas, like every mortal before, we > will descend to Hades never having had a clue. > > Why did they cast the spirits out of the Horse King? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They couldn't afford to produce a new series. } } You owe the Oracle a set of "Mr. Ed" videos. --- 1292-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Um, are you sure this is a good idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. Since when was running into the middle of a } police station wearing nothing but polka-dot speedos } a bad idea? } } You owe the Oracle a mug shot. --- 1292-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're increasing the groveling requirement AGAIN? You're > worse then the US Post Office! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, your statement has been returned to you due to insufficient } grovellage. } } You owe the Oracle 38 grovels for shipment. --- 1292-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you that needs no search engine, nor a fur-lined survival > wallet, nor a pickled vole's head on a stick, > > What will be the most sought after New Year's items this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The most sought after New Year's item? Tax relief, of course. } Followed closely by a way to get rid of those old fruitcakes from } Christmas. } } You owe the Oracle a book on cheats around the tax system, and a } fruitcake torch. --- 1292-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle's words fall like a nocturnal bird of prey among us, > snatching glimpse of understanding from our feeble utterances, > carrying them back to his nest where he digests them. O great > producer of Pellets of Wisdom, share a bit of Truth with me, I > beseech you! > > What are some good ideas for a Thanksgiving party? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ASTONDING! STUPENDOUS! WONDERFUL! } } These are the words that describe your praise of me. They also happen } to be the words that you WANT people to use when describing your } thanksgivingday party. } } Unfortunately, I am suck when it comes to planning parties. If you } include plenty of alcohol and other memory-retarders, however, you } can't get a bad review. have fun! } } You owe the Oracle... uhm... I forgot. Oh! gimme 'nother beer! --- 1292-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > How many "N" ate wings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's work backwards. You invited N friends over to watch the } game. You bought the Monster Wing Assortment[TM] from your local Dead } Chicken Purveyor[R]. The assortment has 289 in seventeen levels of } spiciness: } } 1) A la mode } 2) Reduced Flavor } 3) Original Factory Farm Flavor } 4) Artificial Free Range Flavor } 5) Salt and MSG Bonanza } 6) Black Pepper } 7) Red Pepper } 8) Original Buffalo Flavor } 9) Extra Cayenne } 10) Peppery Piquant } 11) Fire Bomb } 12) Thermal Failure } 13) Incendiary Grenade } 14) Fire-in-the-Hole } 15) Like-A-Briquette-On-Your-Tongue } 16) Nuclear } 17) Pop-Star Photo-shoot } } Of your N friends one half (L) don't eat spicy food and are stuck with } the lower five flavors. All of those wings were consumed. You have K } friends who love spicy foods, but can only eat nine wings each, before } their tongues burst into flame and they leave for the emergency room. } You have J friends who like to one up each other on heat and who } consumed one of each flavor. One of your friends is vegan and only eats } the carrots and celery, thus depriving spicy food eaters of a pallete } cleanser. Now, knowing that K + J + L + 1 = N, and that after the game } there were 50 wings left burning holes in your paper plates, you can } easily deduce that } } L = 17 ate 3 each 51 wings } K = 14 ate 9 each 153 wings 204 total } J = 2 ate 2 each 34 wings 238 total } you had left over 50 288 total } } N = 34, because your so-called vegan friend actually ate one on the } sly. } } You owe the Oracle pop star suitably matched for the #17 wings. --- 1292-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle who somehow manages to put all of his wisdom > into Infocom parodies, > > Why does rhod suck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rhod started out as a place to discuss the Oracle. But it } slowly eroded into a place for people to complain about } the fact their witty answer/question failed to get it. This } sour tone tended to drive out the positive minded souls. Then } the NG, then populated by complainers, found what they needed } -- a place where any dang thing they typed would get instant } approval by their fellow malcontents. Soon aimless 'poker } cascades', 'donut road rants', and 'todger and cooler raps' } became the norm where all one had to do to fit in was add } a word to the end of a zilllion long word thread. Then they'd } nominate each other for best-of-usenet, until that got it's } fill of rhod, after which they made their own Best-of site } to immortalize their ramblings. Now a days its populated by } a dozen of dazed survivors with nowhere else to go. Which } won't be so bad but it leaves no where safe for newbies to } show up and get any help on using the Oracle... alas, the } Oracle is a row you have to hoe alone. A very solitary sort } of humor device akin to writing jokes on the back of your } phone bill envelope and hoping it amuses the mail carrier or } some weary clerk somewhere. } } Ha,ha! Just kidding! rhod is a bastion of love and wisdom } where the most vibrant minds on the `Net meet to discuss } ways to make the world a better place. They organize puppy } give-a-ways for inner city youth and tree planting parties } for the center medians to roads that lead to homes for dis- } advantaged artists down on their luck. . . *blink* } } You owe the Oracle a cure for schizophrenia.