From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Aug 23 14:07:19 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g7NIjLP13820; Fri, 23 Aug 2002 13:45:21 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002 13:45:21 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200208231845.g7NIjLP13820@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1280 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1280 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1280 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002 13:45:08 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1280 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1275 55 votes 33jm8 4cnc4 16kk8 3ekd5 13mhc 2eqb2 28bhh 2ddi9 1bgi9 4eq74 1275 3.3 mean 3.5 3.0 3.5 3.1 3.7 2.9 3.7 3.3 3.4 2.9 --- 1280-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose high "C" will turn women's minds into putty, > > What is The Who's song "Squeezebox" about? Don't tell > me it's about an accordian, because everytime I tell my > friends that they laugh at me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What does my fruit flavored juice drink have to do with women's } putty-like minds? I fail to see that connection and you've got me } really lost now. } } Anyway, let's see your question was.... Ah yes. You silly, } putty-minded supplicant. (Get it? Silly - Putty. Har, har, har!) } } No wonder your friends laugh at you. You've fallen victim to the } record industry again. } } The singing "professionals" in the music/record industry } intentionally mispronounce and slur their words to lessen the } temptation to steal/copy/or illegally distribute their musical works. } Current popular music has to walk a delicate line between being just } a bit catchy enough but not so overly desirable that the recording } executives don't get the chance to wring every last dime out of the } pockets of the crack-addicted dog trainers who purchase their products. } } The song you misunderstand titled as "Squeezebox" is in truth really } "Sneeze Lox". } } It is a song about a dorky Jewish kid who has a bit of a digestive } reflux problem. As the song CLEARLY says, "Hershel, oy, he's such a } geschmickel. He ate his Lox with cream cheese and pickle. Then he was } brushing his auburn locks, took a deep breath and he did SNEEZE LOX! } Sneeze Lox! Sneeze Lox! I'm verklempt. He's just Sneeze Lox!" } } A tragic modern day song, indeed. Touching, rhythmic, vibrantly } detailed. Reminds me so much of that Gladys Knight classic - The } night the lights went out in Georgia. } } You owe the Oracle a 45 album of any song by Brazil 66. --- 1280-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > --=-w6HQhj77K4vB5MNAnlUA > Content-Type: text/plain > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > O most psychedelic one,=20 > > Why is weed illegal? > > --=-w6HQhj77K4vB5MNAnlUA And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It will make you go out of your MIME. --- 1280-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knows all, you must answer me this: > > Which beverage is intended to make us happier -- coffee or beer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, both beer and coffee are merely things that happen to exist } on your plane. They have no intentions, though their use can make } some people feel 'happy' at times. It has a lot to do with where } you're at and where you want to go, if anywhere. Hmm, here watch } their effect on meat puppets considering The Big Three Questions. } } [A] Who am I? } } Alcohol: Woo-hoo! I am PARTY ANIMAL! Yes. Turn up } the tunes, Let's ROCK!--- ergh, no feel well. } Head hurt. Want to die. } } Conclusion: I am a leaf swirling about in } a whirlpool on one side of which } is glee and the other liver damage. } Woe, then Whoa Baby! Over and Over } Again. Hand be a beer so I can start } again. } } Coffee: Must clean house. Read book. Drive fast. GET } OUTTA MY WAY! Fight. FIGHT. No sleep. Breath } like tin foil on fire. WHOA! What was that? My } nerves are shot. I am a nervous wreck. } } Conclusion: I am a buzzing fly in a world full } of too much to do. I will. I am a } flame burning brightly, soon to } go =pfft= and be gone. In meantime } no sleep, must do things. Many } things. } } [B] Where did I come from? } } Alcohol: You can only come from one of two places. } Somewhere with booze: Store/party/Home } Somewhere without booze: Work/Jail } Goal: Maximize time at Booze Zones. } } Conclusion: Humans came from liquid. The womb, } the sea. It is our nature to avoid } Dry Areas. Our Home sloshed, as do } I. The Human body is comprised of } 90% of the prime ingredient of beer } by the way. Case closed. } } Coffee: I came from the library, the market, the street, } the video rental place, the dry cleaners, and } many other places all at once. } } Conclusion: Where I came from meaningless since } I wasn't there very long and I really } shouldn't go back since I yelled at } everyone there for moving so slow. } } [C] Where am I going? } } Alcohol: Going to someplace where I get a drink. } } Conclusion: Happiness is always elsewhere. Alcohol } seen as vehicle of transport. Thus } contentment is fleeting at best, but } must have 'hair of the dog' or here } will get worse by the second. } } Coffee: Where am I going? To the bathroom. Back in a second. } } Conclusion: Productivity constantly interrupted by } needs imposed by nature. Must crack } human genome and put an end to this. } Where am I going? To a better future } where people will have bladders the } size of detroit, or an ability to } sweat piss. Note to self: disable } olfactory units as well. } } You owe the Oracle some water. --- 1280-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who is never let in any casinos. > > Me and my drinking buddy were thinking of finding out which one > of us has more guts and could hold a hand longer in candle flame. > Knowing that this would cause permanent burns, we decided learn > the outcome instead by asking the Oracle. > > Me or Dave over there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Remember asbestos? They used to use it in everything to prevent } things from burning up, but then they found that workers who smoked } and also breathed asbestos had a good chance of getting lung cancer. } So now no one uses it anymore. } } Except Dave. He has an asbestos implant in his hand, and he's hoping } to trick YOU into getting serious burns while he makes money. Not from } you; he's got a side bet with Harry, your compulsive gambler friend. } } Now here's where it gets difficult, but bear with me. If you'll go to } the library, you'll find a book by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Goetz } von Berlichingen." It's about this guy with an iron hand. Read the } book, and then go to Germany and find the hand. Remove your own hand } and replace it with Goetz's. He won't mind; he and his author buddy } Johann Wolfgang died centuries ago. When you win the contest, slap } Harry on the back, and shake hands with Dave, It'll serve 'em right. --- 1280-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you recognize the true friends in the crowd? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When you find someone who looks like Lisa Kudrow, Jennifer Aniston, or } Matthew Perry, there are a few simple tests which will help you } determine with certainty whether you are in presence of true Friends, } or mere impostors. } } 1) Leave $100,000 on the ground. Anyone who looks down at it, but } doesn't bother to pick it up, is either a Friend or a professional } sports star. Physique should determine which. } } 2) Start singing "Smelly Cat". Anyone who cringes and/or runs in fear } is either a Friend or actually exhibits good taste. If you're in } California, you can automatically rule out the latter. } } 3) Take out a camera and start asking questions. If large men dressed } in expensive suits accost you, you're likely in the presence of true } Friends. } } Hope these tests help, and good luck with all your future stalking. } Oh, and one last thing... } } You owe the Oracle a grovel, and it better be a good one. Otherwise } I'm going to send copies of those photos to Courtney Cox's attorneys. --- 1280-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most conclusive and undivided, > > Is sleep addictive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why of course not! Sleep is healthy! Addictions are unhealthy! In } fact new studies have shown that people function better with a short } nap in the midday. (And you always wondered why they took siesta's } down South of the Border!) } } The Oracle suggests that you increase your productivity at work by } taking a short "Power Nap" during your midday. I do and I can testify } that it helps! Of course, I have the boss's permission, (the Oracle } is, after all, self employed.) Your own results may vary. } } You'd best prepare yourself with a proper reply in case your boss walks } in on your Power Nap. These are commonly known, but just in case, here } is the list again: } } The Top Ten Reasons for a Power Nap! } } 1. Statistics prove that people who take a short nap after lunch get } more accomplished than people who don't. } } 2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the } last time management course you sent me to. } } 3. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement } and envisioning a new paradigm! } } 4. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. } } 5. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed } about work! } } 6. I was up all night tracking down hackers that were trying to break } into our system. Luckily I was able to hold them off! } } 7. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- } related stress and increase productivity. } } 8. ...And bless me that I can finish this project that the boss } has assigned me, Amen... Oh, excuse me, boss. I was just } praying for wisdom and answers. } } 9. I got wrapped up with my project last night and haven't gone home } yet, I must have dozed off. } } 10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. } } You owe the Oracle 30 minutes of peace and quiet about 2:00 PM. --- 1280-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just as a ship might finish coursing over the briny water of the sea > and then began again to voyage back towards the dawn and the sun: > we mortals return from out pointless lives of TV and work to read > the words of the Oracle, > > Are all the humans, well, actually human? How do I know that some > of them aren't clever robots or aliens from another planet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are not cleared for the answer to this question. --- 1280-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ooh, ooh! Mr. Oracle! Me, me, I know! Ooh! Call on me, Mr. Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: Yes, Peter? } } PETER: I know the answer! I know the answer! } } ORACLE: Yes, you've said as much, Peter. Now, what is the answer? } } PETER: "" } } ORACLE: Um, no, Peter. I'm afraid "" is not an acceptable } answer. Well, barely acceptable. But we're looking for something } better. Anyone else? Katie? } } KATIE: Um... how about "A cord and a half an hour?" } } ORACLE: Well, I suppose so, but that's not really funny... } } MAX: Oh! I know, Mr. Oracle, I know! } } ORACLE: Yes, Max? } } MAX: How about "Let's do an experiment. We'll need lots of copies of } your head." } } ORACLE: [slight grin] I *like* it. OK, people, next question: "Why is } everyone nearby trying to kill me?" Any ideas, anyone? } } PETER: I know, Mr. Oracle! I know! } } ORACLE: Yes, Peter? } } PETER: The answer is ""! There was no grovel! } } ORACLE: No, Peter. In fact, there was a grovel, but it was merely } "Oracle most wise,". And that's not an acceptable answer, anyway. } } KATIE: I've got an answer... } } ORACLE: Yes, Katie? } } KATIE: How about "Because they want you dead." } } ORACLE: [laughs] I like it, I like it... but it's not really an answer, } is it? Max, do you have any ideas? } } MAX: Um... how about... um... "You're in an execution chamber." } } ORACLE: Hm... nah. It's OK, I suppose. Anyway, next question- } } MAX: Oh! I know! } } ORACLE: [slight grin] You know the next question? Are you becoming } omniscient? } } MAX: No, no, I mean I thought up an answer to the last one. } } ORACLE: OK, let's hear it. } } MAX: The reason everyone nearby is trying to kill him is } a;dfjkah;;sdfNO CARRIER --- 1280-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, who really secretly invented the digital camera, > My parents won't let me install Linux on my old computer because they > think "it's a hacker tool". Should I kill them and bathe, laughing, in > the pools of blood that were once their own, or should I just go watch > Sesame Street? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need to come to grips with why you WANT your parents to chastise } you. Look, they never would have known you were putting Linux on } your old computer if you hadn't told them. Like they can tell BSD } from System 10 from Linux from Windows 3.1, come on. You want them } to tell you you're bad. You got what you wanted. } } You owe the Oracle a dead Big Bird. --- 1280-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you know if someone is lying you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you put the wrong verb tense in your question, but I know what } you mean. } } It's nothing, it's total blackness, but then you start to feel motion. } Side to side at first, starting small and getting bigger, and your } stomach churns and your head spins and your heart races, and all of a } sudden, the bottom drops out, and you FALL... } } ...for just a brief moment until there's a big THUD, and you realize } the temperature has dropped a little bit, and then you can hear sound } for the first time, and it would be deafening if you weren't inside a } protective shell, and it's... } } CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK! } } ...and that's how you know if someone is laying you. } } You owe the hungry Oracle a cheddar cheese omelet.