From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Mar 8 21:26:34 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g291ipp05202; Fri, 8 Mar 2002 20:44:51 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 20:44:51 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200203090144.g291ipp05202@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1253 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1253 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1253 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 08 Mar 2002 20:44:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1253 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1248 58 votes dfhb2 2crb6 4alg7 5egad 36nj7 97jbc cvc12 5boc6 16jkc 76ij8 1248 3.1 mean 2.6 3.1 3.2 3.2 3.4 3.2 2.1 3.1 3.6 3.3 --- 1253-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle... > > What the heck is this "rountoit" I keep hearing about? Is it like a > memo or some form of currency? Every so often I ask people if they did > what I asked, they tell me "Sorry, I never got a rountoit." What is > that?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, my friend, a "rountoit" is a little ceremony } (much like a Japanese tea ceremony, only more exquisite) } that you must perform with your colleague, to assuage } evil office spirits. If the ceremony is neglected, these } spirits will pester your poor co-worker until he gets } absolutely nothing done. You're really doing this for him. } } Here is what you must do... } } * Walk into your colleague's office. } * Close the door. This is very, very important. No-one but } you and your colleague may watch the secret ceremony. } * Put your hands together, close your eyes and say "Om". } * Open your eyes and smile. } * Grab your coworker by the lapel in your left hand. With } your right hand deliver three (3) mighty smacks to his } face. BAP! BAP! BAP! There is some controversy over } whether you should backhand twice and forehand once or } vice-versa. This is really up to you. But you have to } make that loud noise of hand-on-face to frighten the evil } spirits. } * Say this mystic incantation: } Gih vmeedat report baim undae orr aiwil keeliu beeyotch! } (It is latin for "May we work in harmony forever, cher } colleague") } * Tell your colleague, "I believe we understand one another, yes?" } * Go back to your desk. I guarantee you your own morale will be lifted } whether or not you ever get the work from your colleague. } } You owe the Oracle one (1) report by Monday, or I will kill you. } Beeyotch. --- 1253-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh sleepless Oracle, > > Are three consecutive all-nighters too much? My roommate says there's > no green men from outer space dancing on my desk, but the green men > insist that my roommate is a trick of the light! > > Who's right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly supplicant. There exist 3 universal truths: } } Force equals mass multiplied by acceleration } } The line joining the planet to its Sun sweeps out equal areas in equal } times as the planet travels around its orbit. } } Little green men do not lie. } } So let us summarize, apples fall from trees, planets spin around the } sun, and your roommate is actually a shadow caused by that pot plant } you have sitting in your window. } } Now, unless you want the headmaster to kick your little pot smoking, } gravity defying, earth at the center of the universe little butt off } campus, I suggest you clean up the hemp, get some sleep and learn that } dance that the green guys are boogying to, the chicks love it. . . } } You owe the Oracle a kegger --- 1253-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, > > If the grass is greener on the other side, should we throw some rocks > at the folks over there to cover it up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your own grass may be indeed greener if you remove those rocks from } your side of the fence. } } You owe the oracle a Japanese garden. --- 1253-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of all Oracles, > > That feeling you get when you put a Q-tip in your ear, is it a > sin? Because I think I might be becoming addicted. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never hear it called a Q-tip before. Or an ear. } } You might want to look into a more honest significant other. --- 1253-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words! > > I am a dutiful son in a Chinese family. All was well > until I realized one day that I am blond, have blue eyes, > and am 6 feet tall, even tho I'm only 15 years old. I > asked my parents about this, but they claim that I'm > "mistaken", that I'm really 5'7 and have black hair. > > I think facts are on my side, as I'm on the varsity > basketball team. And I constantly get teased about > wearing flood pants. > > What's going on here? Am I being secretly groomed for > a life as an itinerant kung fu monk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're mistaken about your blonde hair and blue eyes. Look } at your parents. It's just impossible. Everyone knows that } two Wongs don't make a white. } } You owe the Oracle an order of spring rolls and some clay } pot rice. --- 1253-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shake your groove thang, shake your groove thang baby! Yeah yeah! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Okay supplicant . I've been itching for a chance to dance." } } The Oracle descended from his throne and started dancing and singing } "Ooga ooga ooga chaka". Soon the whole palace was shaking. Literally ! } The priests and Lisa fled the palace thinking there was an earthquake. } The Oracle kept on dancing and shaking, oblivious to the destruction } around him. Aftershocks reverberated around the world. The Leaning } Tower of Pisa fell over. Tidal waves hit numerous shores. Forests were } flattened (to the joy of woodchucks everywhere). Boris Yeltsin fell } flat on his face. Nobody around him actually noticed the difference. } Michael Jackson's new nose fell off. } } The supplicant looked on in horror, just starting to realise what he } had done. He screamed out "Please Oracle, that is enough". } } The Oracle stopped dancing. He said "That was such fun. I think I have } found my true calling in life. My life and my job have been very } boring, empty and repetitive lately. I'm going to go into showbiz. I'm } going to be a star, the new Fred Astaire. I shall head off to Hollywood } right now. I'm sure they'll really, really like me. Thank you } supplicant for changing my life." } } As the Oracle set off down the road from Delphi, walking off into the } sunset, the supplicant said to himself "Oh dear. I think I owe the } world an apology." --- 1253-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, He who Travels Over Wires, > > Why is it that I hit every red traffic light when I drive? The > probability of this happening is astronomical. Is the world against > me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... if I were a betting diety I'd put money on there being an } infestation of rare African traffic lights in your neighbourhood. } These normally docile creatures spend most of their time sleeping } but when agitated by loud noises will pounce on unsuspecting } travellers with their large red lights. So, to solve your problem } supplicant you should turn down your radio transmission device, } get a new muffler and be very, very quiet as you drive. If you're } lucky, one morning you'll wake up and find that your traffic lights } have migrated to noisier feeding grounds. Of course, you'll probably } see an influx of long neck speed limit signs at that point but you } can't have everything. } } You owe the Oracle a field guide to inner city wildlife and a pair } of binoculars... shhhh... I think I've just spotted a rare yellow } bellied duck crossing sign. --- 1253-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ; And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here is the other half of your colon: } } . --- 1253-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Then next comes Zed. --- 1253-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I write a well-versed, eloquently stated, perfectly pointless > question which might at first appear to be a detailed, > intelligent-sounding question which has every syllable relating to > science but in actuality means nothing in human speak and looks like I > painstakingly took hours for me to orchestrate and merely is an attempt > to appear grandiosely witty, can I get it listed in the Ocularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are you making fun of the Priesthood? I should hope so!