From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 8 15:38:07 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g18K7vb20977; Fri, 8 Feb 2002 15:07:57 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 8 Feb 2002 15:07:57 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200202082007.g18K7vb20977@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1248 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1248 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1248 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 08 Feb 2002 15:07:44 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1248 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1243 47 votes 47ld2 4hdb2 4deb5 3fcd4 45kb7 07hbc 2dgc4 3cfd4 ah767 3bdc8 1243 3.1 mean 3.0 2.8 3.0 3.0 3.3 3.6 3.1 3.1 2.6 3.2 --- 1248-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, why is it I'm just not funny when I try to be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? Why is... oh! Hah! That's a good one! Haahaa! The cat's even } laughing at that one! I can hardly type, I'm laughing so hard! } } Man, I don't know where you got that sense of humor, but if you can } bottle it you'll make a fortune! } } You owe the Oracle a minute to catch his breath before you submit } again. (heehee!) --- 1248-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderous Oracle, I read today that the prophetesses of > Delphi were all high on hydrocarbon gasses when they made their > prophecies. Why do you still keep them on the payroll? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's take out the old HR manual and take a look: } } ACOLYTES' SUBSTANCE ABUSE POLICY } 1. The possession or sale of alcohol and/or drugs on the Temple Mount } can be grounds for immediate non-existence. Prescription Drugs are } excluded from this statement only if you have a current prescription } for the drug. Over-the-counter drugs are not covered by this } paragraph. } } 2. The use of alcohol or illegal drugs during the work day is always } prohibited and can be grounds for non-existence. If you are taking } prescription or over-the-counter drugs which could impair your safe } prognostication, notify your supervisor who may assign you other } duties. } } 3. We expect all acolytes to take personal responsibility . . . } } The hydrocarbons in question wafted in over the counter and were not } illegal at the time. So paragraph 1 doesn't apply and we must address } the question of impairment. A study determined that priestesses high } on, er, life tended to predict fair weather, bountiful crops, and home } team victories. The recipients of these prophecies showered the Temple } with largess, and a couple of really hot smallesses, too. } } Grouchy, sullen, and sober priestesses tended to forecast murrain, } rivers of fire, the end of the world and really bad halitosis. Nominal } supplicant reaction was to run screaming into the night without leaving } a tip. Verily, a finding of "no impairment" was made and the busy } bodies told to mind their own business. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "In the Air Tonight" and an inquiry into } the ether bunny. --- 1248-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most peaceful and wise. I prostrate myself repeatedly > before you to humble myself in light of your magnificence. > > I heard today that the US is adding woodchucks and Zadoc to its list of > terrorist "axis" organizations that it plans to destroy utterly. Is it > true? Will Zadoc be utterly destroyed? > > I shall remain bowed upon my keyboard until I hear your reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc being put on the list is an unfortunate misunderstanding. You see } in his spare time he is the maker of the world's toughest pretzels, and } for some reason your president thinks the Great Pretzel Incident was an } assassination attempt. Zadoc is not a terrorist, he is just a terrible } cook, albeit a terrific pretzel salesman. I must admit they have the } chewiness of steel radial tyres. } } Sadly this is not the first such incident in human history. Mostly I've } had them suppressed. Zadoc is simply too useful for me. Here are the } real stories behind some historical events. You will have to destroy } this email and your computer after you have read them. } } ------------------------ } April 1865 : Ford's Theatre Washington DC USA, President Lincoln's Box } } Pres Lincoln : This has to be the most boring play I have ever seen. } Mrs Lincoln : Stop grumbling dear. Try one of these pretzels. I bought } them from Mr Booth's shop across the road. } Pres Lincoln : Ok. Hmm, verry (cough) chewy ..... Aaaaaarggh } Mrs Lincoln : Oh my god ! The president is choking ! } } ----------------- } 44 BC : Senate building, Rome } } Brutus : Hello Caesar, how are things ? } Julius Caesar : Fine. Went to a good toga party last night. } Brutus : Three nights in a row ! You must be tired. Here try one of } these pretzels I bought off this priest. } Julius Caesar : Ok. Hmm, verry (cough) chewy ..... Aaaaaarggh } Brutus : Great Caesar's Ghost ... Umm, you know what I mean. Caesar is } choking ! } } ----------------- } 1805 : HMS Victory just after battle of Trafalgar } } Hardy : Jolly good show Admiral, we really hit the French for six. } Nelson : Quite. They won't take us on in a while. } Hardy : By the way. The rats have attacked all our food. And we found } barrels of pretzels on the French ships which the rats haven't touched. } We're taking them aboard right now. } Nelson : Excellent idea. I'm famished, I think I'll try one now. Hmm, } verry (cough) chewy ..... Aaaaaarggh } Hardy : Oh my god ! The admiral is choking ! } ------------------ } } As you can see it was just a horrible accident. But don't worry I will } negotiate with your president to remove Zadoc from the list. I won't } mention the other incidents, it might inflame matters. It will ruin } Zadoc's franchising ambitions but frankly you should be grateful for } that. } } As for the woodchucks they must be eliminated !!! } } You owe the Oracle some edible pretzels. Now destroy your computer. I } don't care if it's your work computer and people look at you funny, } just destroy it now. --- 1248-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I this, or am I that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Apologies to Dr. Seuss) } } Am I this or am I that? } Am I thin or am I fat? } Am I square or am I round? } Am I nowhere to be found? } } Am I fish or am I meat? } Am I smelly of the feet? } Am I weird or am I dumb? } Am I chewing on some gum? } } Am I song or am I dance? } Am I seltzer down your pants? } Am I final or am I start? } Am I riding on a cart? } } Am I foolish or am I zen? } Am I in a brown bear's den? } Am I circles or am I squares? } Am I up to rhyming dares? } } Am I all these things and more? } Or am I just a rhyming bore? } Truly I know not! } But at least you get no Zot! } } You owe the Oracle a new copy of Green Eggs and Ham. --- 1248-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you going to disemvowel him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That would not be consonant with the current political climate ... --- 1248-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise oracle whos knowledge amazed the preists at delphi, > whos greatness awed the monks of tibet whos belly button lint > mesmorized gillagin please answer my humble question. > > Last week for school I was required to read a book about a teenage > girl who gets pregnant and chooses to keep the child. I spent most of > the book laughing at the main characters stupidity. I was half way > through the book when my boyfriend came over and we had sex, am I a bad > person for this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is this an example of your schoolwork? Let's look at your grammar and } spelling: } } "Oracle" in this context should always be capitalized. } "preists", oh come on Dear, "I before E except after C". } Likewise "Delphi" should be capitalized. } And "Tibet". } "mesmorized" is spelled "mesmerized" (after Franz Mesmer, an 18th c. } German physician) } "Gillagin" is a proper noun, again capitalize, and spell "Gilligan". } Two points for that one! } "whos" should be should be the possessive "whose". } Again, "characters" is missing the apostrophe that makes it possessive: } "character's". } "half way" should be one word: "halfway". } } No, you're not a bad person, but you are a bad student. Instead of } laughing at the main character's stupidity, you should be concerned } about your own ignorance or lack of care in preparing written } materials. Your boyfriend obviously doesn't think about your future, } or he'd be helping you study instead of schtooping you silly, and years } down the road when you're working the drive-thru line at McDonalds to } support his beer habit, he'll be at home pumping some new young thing. --- 1248-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail, sovereign The Oracle, sage of USENET, you who have given us > great glory, you who cast your meshed snare upon the towered walls > of foolishness, so that neither the silly nor willfully lame could > overleap your huge enslaving net of all-conquering Wisdom. The Great > Oracle is lord of hosts and guest-accounts. He can monitor all that > is typed without getting dizzy. > > Who always laughs in the middle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly mortal. He who laughs in the middle is he who loses in the } laugh-hard-a-thon held every year on PBS opposite the super bowl. You } were channel surfing, right? } } You owe the Oracle a Pepsi. For those who think young. --- 1248-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle I grovelled by bowing to you on bended knee. Now > my knee is stuck in that position, and I feel too wretched to > grovel again. How can I improve my grovelling without grievous > harm to my frail body? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While the bended knee is a tried-and-true classic, a little expansion } of your grovelling repertoire will keep you humbly ahead of the pack. } } This being the post-modern age, your grovelling need not be a direct } action toward me. Think outside the box. The essence of the grovel is } debasement. As long as you humiliate yourself, I'll be happy. A couple } of trips through the airport security line should suffice. } } You owe the Oracle his confiscated nail clippers. --- 1248-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, > > Why doesn't coffee taste as good as it smells? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's the world's oldest existing example of the "bait and switch" } advertising scheme. } } You're attracted by the rich smell of fresh-brewed coffee - probably in } the presence of someone with a sexy baritone voice. Then, at the last } minute, the ground coffee is switched with fresh earthworms. } } No, wait, that's the "switch with bait" scheme. Sorry. } } I believe it has something to do with the desirable aromatic chemicals } in the coffee being more readily released into the atmosphere, leaving } behind the bitter compounds that one tries not to associate with the } taste of coffee. Sort of like the proverbial can of worms. } } (As part of my court-ordered public service, this Incarnation suggests } you search the Web for "toddy maker" or "cold brewed coffee." There is } a method for steeping ground coffee in cold water, which does not } release the "good stuff." Warm the result to drinking temperature in a } microwave. Maybe that will help.) } } You owe the Oracle a decaffeinated earthworm. No, wait, here's one in } my cup. Well, half of one anyway. --- 1248-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and spam-free Oracle, > maybe I'm a bit naive, but there's one thing I don't understand > about spammers. Everybody hates them, right? And therefore, nobody > would want to do business with them, right? Even if you were > interested in the product or service they were selling, you'd buy it > elsewhere, purely on principle. Well, the spammers must know this by > now, so why do they continue spamming, since they know all they're > gonna get for their trouble is a hostile reaction, and possibly a > reprisal of some kind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are three rules about spammers. One of them applies to this } situation directly, the others indirectly. } } Rules about spammers: } 1) Spammers are stupid. } 2) Spammers lie. } 3) Spammers *lie*. } } Let's see how these apply by observing a spammer (thinking, almost } audibly): } } > Uh, um, uh, I was going to do something today. Um. Oh, I could } > check email. Um. What's my password again? Hmmm. That's right } > it's C-O-O-L-D-U-D-E. Hey, I've got mail! } } 5 messages: } Subject: ADV: Earn a Degree Based By Drinking Beer -- THIS IS REAL } Subject: 3477 Tired of actual work? Try this Egyptian Scheme } Subject: VERDIENEN SIE GEld Vom Haus! EARN MONEY AT HOUSE! } Subject: FUN AT THE MEAT PACKING PLANT!!!!! sxzt7 } Subject: 100 MILLION EMAILS + Bulk Mailing Software For Only Your Soul } } > Damn. Only spam. Hmm. I was going to do something else today. } > That's it. I was going to advertise my tee-shirt business. } } mouse: click, click, click } } > Wow, That much for banner ads? How about overture.com. 76 cents } > for a top spot. } } calculator: tap, tap, tap } } > That could add up quickly. Um. Uh. Hmm. "100 Million Emails" } > That's a lot of people. And it only costs my soul, not bad. } > And spam isn't that bad. } } Here you see rule number one dominating, and rule two hitting at } the end: the spammer has lied to himself, and is too stupid to } realize it. Lets fast forward a bit. } } (reading spamware instructions) } | Step 1: Choose your email title } | Step 2: Write the email message } | Step 3: Select email address list } | Step 4: Connect to internet } | Step 5: Press 'send' } } > Okay. A bit tricky, but not rocket science. Um. Title. Oh. Um. } > "Tired of being naked? Buy Tee shirts" Nah. "Not just for wet } > tee shirt contests" Nope. "Be a cool dude in these cool tees" } > Yeah. That'll do. Okay step 1 down. Step 2. Agh. Um. Uh. Okay. } > } > Tired of the old I'm With Stupid tee shirt? Check out } > these hilarious ones: } > Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide } > the bodies. } > I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. } > Rehab Is for Quitters } > If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her } > friends? } > First National Bank Of Dad: Sorry, Closed. } > Will Eat For Food } > I listen to both kinds of music: loud and very loud } > } > Click here www.cooldudeshirts.com } > } > Um. Uh. Hmm. Maybe I should add a message so people don't think } > its spam. } > } > THIS IS NOT SPAM> THIS IS A ONE TIME MAILING> YOU GOT THIS } > EMAIL BECAUSE YOU SIGNED UP WITH ONE OF OUR PARTNERS.. } > } > Uhh. Guess that is enough. Now what's next? Step 3. Hmmm. } > There only seems to be one address list here: "Damn near } > everybody.lst" Guess I'll use that. Now. Um. Connect to } > internet. Shoot. What's my password again? Um. Uh. Oh yeah, } > C-O-O-L-D-U-D-E. Um. Here goes nothing. } } mouse: click } } Now we see the spammer has demonstrated rules two and three, } "hilarious" indeed. And that hasty not-spam message, Mr. Cooldude } didn't even use caps lock, he held shift down, even when typing } periods. } } > Um. Hmm. Wonder how long this will take? Hmm. I'll check email. } } mouse: click, click } } > I've got mail! Woohoo! } } 4 messages: } Subject: ROOSTERS ONLY: SEE HOT YOUNG CHICKS COME OUT OF THEIR SHELLS } Subject: Be a cool dude in these cool tees } Subject: New Pill Adds 1 to 3 inchs to your girth } Subject: Notice of account termination } } > Spam, spam, and what's that? They're closing my website for spamming? } > Damn, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm gonna sue them for breach of } > contract. } } More lies and more stupidity. } } Wait till this guy sees what hell has in store for him. RFC 666: } TCP/IP Tunneling Through Intestines Over Tapeworm Carrier. Apparently } he'll be the alpha tester. } } You owe the Oracle the hide of a spammer.