From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Nov 11 17:00:53 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id fABLJxq00834; Sun, 11 Nov 2001 16:19:59 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 16:19:59 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200111112119.fABLJxq00834@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1236 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1236 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1236 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 16:19:46 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1236 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1231 65 votes hfka3 3alr4 3gmf9 3bpfb 5bqj4 6bjgd 67we6 beoa6 45ioe 5bila 1231 3.1 mean 2.5 3.3 3.2 3.3 3.1 3.3 3.1 2.8 3.6 3.3 --- 1236-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are the Back Forty of Knowledge and the Fox in the > Chicken Coop of Truth, you put the Husband in husbandry and the > Dome in the domestication of plants and animals. I worship you > and your enormously large, gently humming cranium! > > Would a lemur or a pug dog make a better pet on a space station? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Would a lemur or a pug dog make a better pet... than what? An } elephant? Definitely. An octopus? No way. Octopi are smarter, take } up less room (milligram for milligram, that is) and can even put on a } decorative colour change whenever you put their tank against a } different background. } } More especially, in the crowded confines of a space station, sexual } discretion will be paramount. In such a hothouse environment, sexual } tension will be enormous, but the risks of getting caught will be great } - and the repercussions far above what they would be on Earth. So } octopi will be indispensable. They will give the perfect excuse for } that inconvenient hickey. Thus: } } "Truly, dear! I was just giving poor Henry } some much-needed TLC and that sucker [sic] } just grabbed my throat and --MWOOMPH!-- an } enormous love-bi** mark!" } } "Oooh, yes darling, I can see! You poor } thing! Of course, that's exactly how I } got mine, you know." } } "Yes, I surmised as much. Just don't let } Henry sit on your lap anymore, okay?" } } You owe the Oracle an octopus's garden - in the shade. --- 1236-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I am confusticated. In fact, I am totally > and complootly clobbernoggled. Once again your > immense intellect has left me in the dirt. > > I asked you a question in which I did not mention > woodchucks. In fact, I even TOLD you that I was not > mentioning woodchucks. You took that as a sign, I > guess, that I needed woodchucks, and you sent me a > whole shipload of them, cute, little stuffed woodchuck > toys, made in China or somewhere. What's worse is that > you seem to have invented WTP (Woodchuck Transfer > Protocol) and implemented a WTP server on my home > machine. Every time I sit down at the keyboard, more > of the damned marmots pour forth from the marmolader > (it's on /dev/marm; another of your inventions, I > guess). > > Now what am I to do? I'm loathe to just chuck them > out. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I remember you. } "What's the name for a stocky little burrowing mammal found in eastern } America and southern Canada, with a flat head, weighting 2-4 kilos at a } half metre long, and a bushy six-inch tail, with light-tipped fur and } black feet, and it's not a woodchuck?" } } What, you think the *ZOT* staff only has one setting? } - turn supplicant to ash } - add supplicant to telemarketers's lists } - flatten supplicant with sumo wrestler } - disolve supplicant's short-and-curly hairs with itching acid } - put fire-ant bait under supplicant's refrigerator } - increase supplicant's hearing tenfold when in-laws are nearby } - feed deodorant vaccinee to supplicant's underarm bacteria } - install windows 3.1 on supplicant's computer } - advertise supplicant's phone number in "Leather Playboys" magazine } - drain 1d6 experience levels from supplicant } - advertise supplicant's phone number in "Martha Stewart's Living" } magazine } - turn zinc into gold } - everything supplicant touches, including self, turns to rich, } creamery butter } - add a nipple to supplicant's forehead } - give supplicant a gland that produces that } turns-ethanol-into-formaldehyde stuff that Alcoholics Anonymous says } they stopped using } - give supplicant another much-needed hole in head } - supplicant no longer has room for Jell-O } - supplicant only ever sees the inner beauty... when gazing upon } lawyers } - glue thumbtacks to the lowest inch of every vertical surface in } supplicant's home, then rearrange the furniture to the bathroom } during the night } - give all supplicant's children collic, even the adolescent ones } - Og gets an intern job at supplicant's place of work } - whenever supplicant waits for teenage daughter to come home from a } date, all nearby timepieces operate at twice the speed } - Zadoc gets a manager job at supplicant's place of work } - supplicant looks fat in *any* dress, despite actual weight } - inside of supplicant's nose itches intolerably whenever a camera or } large crowd is watching } - inadequate oil businessman with a bad grip on the English language } becomes head of state in supplicant's home country } - summon the Devil to stand at the foot of the bed and watch } supplicant during sleep } - supplicant's teevee connection blacks out during any sporting event } except the Special Olympics } - replace supplicant's place of work with a fast-food franchise } - everything supplicant touches to mouth tastes like pork } - all of supplicant's mail arrives only in suspicous plain-brown paper } packages } - supplicant misplaces car keys constantly } - supplicant's spouse misplaces car keys constantly, and blames } supplicant } - give supplicant a sharp poke in the eye with a stick } - every article of supplicant's music collection replaced with } "Vermillion and Cordellia's Compleat[sic] Works of Gothic Poetry" } - anytime after a visit to a movie theatre, supplicant will only } remember seeing the movie "Howard the Duck" } - instead of the usual satisfaction, supplicant feels hungry again } after eating Chineese food } - supplicant now has two left feet... attached to wrists } - rolling blackouts in supplicant's home state } - supplicant's home plumbing connected directly to Mexico (if } American) or Lake Erie (if Mexican) } - supplicant believes to be perfectly fluent in French, but can only } say "cheese omlette" } - supplicant taken on a bus tour vacation in Siberia (and returns } alive -- no easy way out on this one) } - every paper-and-ink printed page supplicant reads looks as if its } text is surrounded in tags } - dingleberries for girls, menstrual cramps for boys } } ... and many, many more, but one worth mentioning is: } - plague of w**dch*cks } } You don't owe the Oracle anything. You've already suffered enough. --- 1236-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you that shares his blocks, you that have not locks > on his front door, you does and not just talks; > > Were they trying to steal my truck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kazu: Ah-so. Ichiro. What: have-you-done? } Ichiro: I: was-merely: practicing my-swing, Kazu-san. Why? } Kazu: Look, tomodachi-da. You-have broken the-windows: on this } sleek, expensive-looking sports-car in the parking lot. } Ichiro: Oh! I-am-so very embarrassed. Perhaps: I should-give-up-my: } practising? } Kazu: No-No, Ichiro-san. You: are-a-baseball-star. You: } must-continue-to-practice: and excel. I have: a better-idea: } Ichiro-san. Do-you-see: there-is-a truck: in-the parking: lot. } The-white Chevy, yes? } Ichiro: Ah-so. The-one: with-the-license plate: that-says El Duque? } Kazu: Yes, Ichiro-san. Belt-one: out-of-the-park: my-friend. --- 1236-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Six foot two > Eyes of blue > Cock-a-doodle-doodle-do > Has anybody seen my bird? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } You owe the Oracle a recipe for breading. } Something suitable for, uh, poultry. Yeah, that's it. } Poultry. --- 1236-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are older and wiser than Geb, you who were there when > the first turtle wore out and was replaced by the one currently > holding up the Earth, you have acquired much knowledge and your > are Wise. > > How does coffee differ from heroin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, with coffee, you have to heat the water... no, that's not } different... } } Okay, with coffee, it's picked and processed by underpaid workers in } Third World... no, that's not different either... } } Then, with coffee, it's traded on a world market jealously guarded by } shady cartels... drat, that's no better... } } Many high-performing professional people in the industrialised world } cannot function effectively until they've had their first daily... } BLAST. } } Hang on, I've got it. } } Coffee can bring you a stink to your breath, but heroin can string you } to the brink of death. } } Hey, you try answering these before your first hit of the day! } } You owe the Oracle a bottomless cup. With cream. And that special } "powdered sugar" thanks. --- 1236-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When do you think the Priests will pull out of their 9-11 induced > funk and start laughing again? We need digests. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When Tim Chew is on his brother's throne } And Dr. Noe aligns with Paul } Then puns fill incarnations } And laughs will cheer us all } } This is the dawning of the Age of a new digest } The Age of a new digest } A new digest! } A new digest! } } Shining wit and w**d****k zotting } Parody and yucks abounding } No more crap like 1 2 3 4 } Kinzler's bad idea of humor } Delphic Research fooled 'em one time } Let's have some fun forcing bad rhyme } A new digest! } A new digest! } } You owe the Oracle a way to get this damn earworm out of his head. --- 1236-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I go about finding a driver for my PCI Simple Communication. I > just upgraded my computer and it worked under 98 however it will not > find a driver under XP. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You grovel first. } } To me. } } Then, grovel to Microsoft. It won't get you anything, } but you'll make them feel better. Remember, if } Microsoft made toasters, they'd only work with } Microsoft bread. } } Your best bet? Get rid of XP and put 98 back on. } } You owe the Oracle Dos 3.2. --- 1236-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hated, *hated*, *HATED*, that answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi there! Looking for a good read? Been a while since you had your nose } in a book? Trying to find the perfect way to enjoy your off-hours? } } If you said 'yes' to any of these, look no more. For a limited time } only, Delphi Publications presents: } } "I Hated, *Hated*, *HATED* That Answer: The Dark Side of the } Oracularities," an in-depth look into some of the most bland, } uninspiring answers ever given to supplications by unassuming } incarnations! This book has it all! Who could ever forget that infamous } answer from Digest #723-04: } } } It was written by Monserasto, vizier to King Hammurabi } } of Babylonia, in 1937 BC. Regrettably, it is no longer } } in print. } } } } You owe the Oracle a translation into English, on CD-ROM. } } Terrible, isn't it? But one thing's for sure: "I Hated, *Hated*, } *HATED* That Answer" is in print and your's to own! In it you'll find } such futile attempts at humor such as this one, #861-06: } } } The fact that some people can't even use a keyboard is whats even } } worse. } } or, from #1057-04: } } } my sister } } or #1095-01, that answer to end all Oracularities: } } } You should seek therapy } } And what would a collection be like without everyone's favorite, the } dreaded *ZOT* response! In this book you'll find such variations as: } } } **zot** } } } Zot! } } } ZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT } } and, of course: } } } TTTTTOOOOOZZZZZ } } TTTTTOOOOOZZZZZ } } TTTTTOOOOOZZZZZ } } } } P.S. read it bcakward } } Can't you just hear the groans and pity laughs on that one? And if you } *HATED* those answers, just wait until you read the ones that didn't } make the cut! Inside we have exclusive, first-time evidence of out } takes and also-rans, like this one from incarnation #QCaadfT: } } } I don't know } } And how about this answer from incarnation #QhBaWzl? } } } What's a woodchuck? } } Plus, in this edition for a limited time only, you find the one and } only answer from the first incarnation ever, #QVgirY! Here it is: } } } zot } } It's ALL in here! And if THAT doesn't whet your appetite, check out our } in-depth, top secret, behind-the-scenes look a day in the life of the } Priesthood, containing hundreds of comments and reactions to la creme } de la crap! Here's an excerpt: } } Chew: Hey Snuggles, look at this! } } McGee: Oh shit, not another stupid in-joke reference! } } Chew: Yep. This time they have Lisa giving sex tips to Og! } } Panzer: Quick! Who wants to bet that we get 50 replies with the word } "ZOT" in the next ten minutes? } } Sewell: I'll take you up on that! } } Panzer: You're on! } } Davis: So what about this one, guys? } } Sewell: You know the rule, Darkmage. If it passes spellcheck and } doesn't take more than ten seconds to read it's a keeper! } } Davis: But isn't that the "Last Resort" rule? } } McGee: Hey, do you wanna type up the code for the Grade-o-matic all } over again, phlegm wad? } } Davis: Hey! I'm not the one who deleted it while re-inserting, pissant! } } McGee: Hey! Leave my sex life out of this! } } Kinzler: Morning, gentlemen! How's that latest Digest } coming? } } Panzer: Why...um... } } Chew: Great! Just fine! We're almost done, Steve! } } Kinzler: AH, good to hear! You know if we get this out of the way by 3 } in the afternoon, I know of a nice gentlemen's club where--hey, WHAT'S } THAT? HOW'D THIS MICROPHONE GET HERE?! ARGH! DIRTY BAS-- } [pffft] } } All of this, and many more surprises in: "I Hated, *Hated*, *HATED* } That Answer: The Dark Side of the Oracularities." The latest from } Delphi Publications, now available in paperback. All this and more for } just $49^H^H29^H^H14.95 plus shipping and handling! } } Of course, no answer can be complete without a question. Call today and } you'll receive a special discount on: "I Hated, *Hated*, *HATED* That } Question," a personal history of the tellme's that give a whole new } meaning to the staff of Zot and a perfect complement to this special } feature! Call now! Operators are standing by. } "I Hated, *Hated*, *HATED* That Answer: The Dark Side of the } Oracularities." Get your copy today! } } Also available from Delphi Publications: "You Call That a Grovel!"; } "You Owe the Oracle: Laissez-Faire Economics in a Give-or-Take World"; } and "You've Got Worms: The Fall From Grace of Zadoc the Priest." } Available while supplies last. --- 1236-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens when pasta and antipasta collide? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Spaghetti-Ohs. --- 1236-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you ever seen William Shatner performing a musical number? Now > don't you wish you could "un-see" it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: A desolate alien landscape, vaguely resembling a 1960's } television sound stage. A painted background and several } styrofoam rocks complete the image. } } [Enter SPOCK] } } I am the very model of a Vulcan science officer } I've information that you need less rarely and more oftener, } I know all the impulse speeds when trav'lling at a sub-light rate, } Including the whole warp scale from one up past the number eight. } } I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters biological, } As well as protocol and all equipment technological, } About your strange Earth culture I remember nearly all of it, } From ancient weapons, modern clothes, to recipes for halibut. } } Scene: Elsewhere, same planet. Present: a small security team. } } Three little shirts of red are we, } Here with our phasers at ready, } To shoot anything that looks scary, } Three little shirts, of red! } } Captain says not to stray too far. } } Wish we could see him from where we are. } } What is that thing? It looks bizarre! } } Three little shir-- EEEAGH! } } *munch munch munch* } } Two little shirts, of red! } } [Enter KIRK, SPOCK, BONES. KIRK begins singing.] } } I'm called Little Captain Kirk -- dear Little Captain Kirk! } No more promotions for me. } I'll stay Little Captain Kirk -- proud little Captain Kirk, } As long as I'm in this Star Fleet. } } [FX: large flash of light. ZOT sound. Smoke.] } } No, dear supplicant. I've never had to watch William Shatner performing } a musical number. At least, not all the way through.