From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Aug 28 17:50:25 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.4/8.11.4/IUCS_2.35) id f7SMKR419622; Tue, 28 Aug 2001 17:20:28 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 17:20:28 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200108282220.f7SMKR419622@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1230 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1230 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1230 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 17:20:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1230 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1225 72 votes 4epja cjma8 88jmf 5dpib 2atkb 7ioi5 9hqh3 68jqd 3avcg ddjed 1225 3.2 mean 3.2 2.7 3.4 3.2 3.4 2.9 2.8 3.4 3.4 3.0 --- 1230-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, could you please tell me the top ten reasons why men always > leave the toilet seat up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you're making the classic mistake of assuming that Men are as } complicated as Women. There simply aren't ten reasons for ANYTHING a } Man does. } } But, I tell you what - here's the } } TOP SIX REASONS MEN LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP: } } 6. Efficiency. Men need it up four times more often than they need it } down. The sheer logic of it is just too tempting. } } 5. Excitement. Have you any idea what would happen if that seat came } crashing down in mid-use? The terror! The adrenaline! What a rush! } } 4. Laziness. Yaaaaawn. It took sooo much energy to lift it up, I } may need a nap when I've fini- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... } } 3. Sloppy boundary condition checking. Men can only think about one } thing at a time. When the flow stops, that's the "peeing" task } finished, and no further actions are taken in support of it. Just } be grateful he remembers to tuck it back in. } } 2. Distraction. In order to make up for the inability to multi-task, } Man was given limited resources to delegate simple physical tasks } to the primitive brain. Thus, the body goes through the motions } while the mind thinks about sportscars and its golf handicap. } Primitive brain no think seat! Ugh! Think cute blonde in HR. } Primitive brain pee on shoe if not careful. } } And the Number one reason why Men leave the toilet seat up is: } } 1. Spite. You may have considered your little speech on "The Clothes } Hamper - A Hamper for Clothes" to be rather witty, and a gentle, } inoffensive nudge towards tidiness. Guess who didn't? } } You owe the Oracle a lady who remembers to put the seat up after she's } used it. --- 1230-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All bow before the Oracle who plows the fields of possibilities > armed with the perception and a damn fine vocabulary to pick out > significant details from life and digest them into something clever, > wise and emotional. The Oracle is smart! > > Was yesterday just a weird coincidence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, supplicant. It was bound to happen eventually. } } I know that you can get the craving at the damndest of times, and it's } hard to resist. Especially when you're pressed for time, and your } cousin Cletus wants delivery on that manure shipment yesterday, } goddammit, and the wife is nagging at you and the brats are making a } ruckus in the back seat, and the mortgage on your mobile home is way } overdue but the lottery ticket you felt so sure about didn't pay off } this month either, what's wrong with those machines anyway, and why the } hell won't anybody believe you saw Elvis when clearly he was there, } goddammit, swear to god and hope to die, and sure you had a few that } night but Jeb was there as well and can swear to it with a hand on the } Bible, even though he ain't that smart, what with still being left back } in 3rd grade at the age of 38 and all, and those weird tics he has } probably won't go any too well with the jury, didn't believe him last } time either when you were on trial for poaching, but anyway he was } right there, he seen it too, and the UFO was right there, goddammit, } with The King manning that sucker like nobody's business, and why oh } why oh why didn't Garth Brooks get into the C&M hall of fame this year } either, no justice in the world, must be that pinko liberal that used } to be in the White House had something to do with it, and the fish was } biting real good that night as well although you don't remember what } happened next, except you woke up come next morning in the back yard } with a bastid of a hangover and a weard soreness in your bee-hind } region, and why won't that asshole in front of you get done anyway, so } you can drive in and get done and be back on the road again before } Cletus throws a hissy fit like he always does when you're late with the } manure, but you're only one man after all, can't do everything, and } this here truck ain't that fast anyway and the mileage really sucks, } speaking of which, come on, already, what're you wating for over there, } aint't got all day you know... } } But you've got to understand that there's a time for everything, and } that time clearly wasn't it. You should have waited. } Look, those signs are there for a reason. The'yre not just "trying to } tell you what to do". } } You got off easy this time. Your hair will grow back, as well as most } of your eyebrows. And your hearing will be restored in 3 to 4 week's } time. } } That gas station attendant wasn't that fortunate, though. } } You owe it to the oracle to quit smoking. --- 1230-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I *ever* get an IT job? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is that what you really want? } } Are you tired of your sales position where you } make your own hours. } Eat lunch on the company dime. } Travel to six cities in one year. } Have a company car. } Work approximately 25 hours a week. } Get bonuses just for increasing sales 2% in a } three month period by going over sales budget 200%. } Get paid for training and drinking everynight during } the training. } } Or get a 2K raise so you can: } Work 40-60 hours a week. } Answer phone calls involving screen color changes } that take 20 minutes to accomplish. } Run and listen to a Computer Moron boss who just got } the last computer Magazine and wants to know "Can we } do THIS, WHY aren't WE doing this?". } Always tied to a pager/cell-phone so your computer systems or } the NOC can wake you up or ruin a perfectly good night on the town. } Get the same lame 4% raises every year while having a learning } curve the size of the Washington Monument because everything } changes every three months. } Deal with expensive poorly built Tape Backup systems and their } Kludgy, User-UNfriendly program interfaces. } Develop neck problems, schrunched up shoulders, and always tight } hands. } Field stupid questions from people like "I got a real quick question, } How do I upgrade my system?" or "What computer should I get?" which is } like asking "What vehicle should I get". } } Wait... } } Something just came in. } } Yes, that last update of your resume on monster paid off. } You just got an IT job. } CONGRATULATIONS. } } Now give up any thought of ever having a real life again. } } You owe the Oracle a long, long, long vacation from his IT job. --- 1230-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is that Zadoc in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: What? Huh? } } [Oracle looks at his pocket, and sees an all-too familiar face peering } back at him.] } } Oracle: ZADOC!!!! } } [Zadoc springs from the Oracular pants, clad in a tuxedo, holding a top } hat and a cane.] } } Zadoc: } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } Even though too many incarnations have abused it, } Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } } Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay! } Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay! } } Because I was afraid to speak was I was just a note } Orrie gave my name a spin and made me a big joke } So Now I have a new mission to bubble to the top } Start addressing all your supplications to Zadoc! } } Zadoc & Oracle: } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } Even though too many incarnations have abused it, } Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } } Oracle: } He travelled all around the net and everywhere in jest, } Quite possibly the only one is every single digest, } But now he is staging a coup to depose my great throne } So now I have to decide if I throw Zadoc a bone. } } Oracle & Zadoc: } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } Even though too many incarnations have abused it, } Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } } Zadoc: } So when a ZOT is coming down there's no need to dismay, } Just think about this song and then you turn and run away, } But better use it carefully or it could change your lot... } } Oracle: For example? } } Zadoc: Yes? } } Oracle: } This revolting ditty has earned Zadoc here a ZOT! } } [Oracle ZOT's Zadoc free of any revolutionary wishes. As Zadoc flies } across the room, a hammer and sickle drop out of his tux. The Oracle } turns and wanders away.] } } Oracle: } It's a... } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } ... } } You owe the Oracle a never-before-published Gilbert & Sullivan Play. } And the Sherman Brothers. On a silver platter. --- 1230-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most singular Oracle, > > the page of my local telephone directory headed 'Useful Numbers' is > blank. What should have been printed there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0 } } Without those, it becomes a reall hassle to dial. --- 1230-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise, powerful, and in-other-ways totally reeking of awesomeness > Oracle, > > IF you had a daughter, what would you do on "Take Our Daughters to > Work Day?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would answer all of her questions, including, but not limited to: } } Why is the sky green? } Where did I come from? } Why? } How come? } Are we there yet? } Where's God at? } Why do all the other kids get earlier bedtimes? } Where's Mom? } Why are you so awesome? } How come you know so much? } Why? } Are you a know-it-all? } Can I have a sucker? } Are we there yet? } Why? } Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Hey, dad? } Are we there yet? } Why do I have to go home?? } } You owe the Oracle a Valium. --- 1230-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the chemical symbol for Stupidity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Noble supplicant, I cite Newcomb's Reference Manual of Chemical and } Physical Constants, } Coefficients and Cheese (23rd ed.): } } Element Name: Stupidity } Symbol: Dh } Atomic Number: 6 2/3 } Atomic Weight: Probably } } Notes: Stupidity is the most common element on Earth, occurring } naturally in all strata. Its chemical symbol is derived from the Greek } "duh", /duh/. It has numerous isotopes which have geographically } variable concentrations. Isotopes occurring in rural areas are } typically simpler in structure. Metropolitan isotopes exhibit a higher } mean kinetic energy. The density of stupidity has not been accurately } measured, however is regarded by most scientists as impenetrable. } } Stupidity is an odorless, tasteless, colorless chemical that is } nonetheless easily detected by logical probing. It is often observed } in gaseous form. It is essentially inert, however is often involved } as a catalyst in the breakdown of other structures. } } The half-life stupidity is variable to such an extent that it } is sometimes given a negative value, that is, the fractional } mass of stupidity in a compound may actually increase over time. } This phenomenon is most often observed among the executive management } of failing internet startup companies. --- 1230-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle who could keep pouring his wisdom in to the maw of us > mortal forever, for your knowledge knows no bounds and our need to > know knows no end. I bow low before you and ask; > > Why are the number of reported shark attacks increasing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The survival rate is much better these days. } } You owe the Oracle a surfboard. --- 1230-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Great Oracle, I ask you, > > What operating system should I run on my computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gentle Supplicant, the answer to your question is: } It varies and depends what you want to do with your } 'computer', as you so quaintly put it. } } I applaud you for wanting to choice your OS on your own, } most humans just using the OS their folks handed down to } them. But be forewarned, arranging your brain to think in } a new way can be a challenge. } } What is it you want to do with your brain? Get rich? } Be famous? Have fun? Achieve enlightenment? Or the } ever present choice of Other? } } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Get Rich. } Choices: } } Capitalism: A robust outlook, the workhorse of } this genre. It can take a lot of abuse } and keep working. Increasingly unpopular } due to it's resistance to resource sharing, } but all in all it is a proven winner. } Examples: Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, } the Albrecht Family } } Criminal: Fast and hard-hitting OS, favorite of } hackers. Quickly learned and powerful. } Prone to violent crashes though and the } danger of long sentences of downtime. } Examples: The Cosa Nostra Family, } "Whitey" Bulgar, the guy that broke } into your apartment and took your TV } } Wishful: Increasingly popular due to the total } Thinking: lack of training needed to master. On } the downside it rarely works, despite } what your bookie will tell you. } Examples: Hordes that go to Las Vegas, } Lotto players, gold-diggers } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Be Famous. } Choices: } } Hard Work: Falling out of favor due to extensive drain } on the hardware, yet it is championed by } the those at the top of the heap. } Example: Walt Disney, Frank Zappa, Norman } Mailer, Andy Warhol } } Be real: Hardware dependent, consult your manual. } purty: Examples: Super Models } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Have Fun } Choices: } } Party: The fastest growing mindset out there. } Animal: VERY hard on the hardware. Avoid this, } weakened child processes and decreasing } computation capacity awaiting those } suckered in by this OS. } Examples: John Belushi, Robert Downey Jr., } the people in the apartment above you } } Good Clean: Wildly unpopular } Living: Examples: The Cleaver family } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Enlightenment } Choices: } } Scientific: Very vogue, very powerful. Has produced } Thought: some of the most useful apps of the last } 1000 years. Some find its monopolizing of } CPU time irksome, others see this as its } strength. } Examples: Tesla, Freud, Aryabhata I } } Religion: Easily hackable, mutates wildly, ten zillion } flavors. Next to impossible to verify results, } users tend to argue violently with each other } over correct syntax and correct usage. Weird } problem specific to this OS, too many manuals } that people read too closely. } Examples: The Pope, Charles Manson, Buddha } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Other } Choices: } } Roll your: Write your own kernel. Incorporate Grey } own: Alien Tech with equal parts of Amway sales } meetings to make something that is all yours, } the sky's the limit. } Examples: Art Bell, "Xenu" Hubbard, Bob } } Coma: Permanent wait-state. Works best if you have } good insurance. } Example: The guy in the next cubicle } } Politics: Tell others what OS to use! Be root! Be a } FAT-cat! } Examples: Vladimir Putin, Bill Clinton, the } faceless drones in the Bureaucracy Party that } never runs for office yet always is in charge } --------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle some sacrificial RAM. --- 1230-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My desire to learn leads me time and time again to your door Wise > Oracle, you are the post graduate school of the Internet, > > Why do we even try and educate everyone? Ditch diggers and drive- > thru workers don't really need to know how to read or write anyway. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ___________________ _______________________ } | WARNING! | | ALL EMPLOYEES MUST | } | BURIED GAS LINE | | WASH HANDS BEFORE | } | DO NOT DIG! | | RETURNING TO WORK | } ------------------- -----------------------