From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jun 12 09:07:40 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.4/8.11.4/IUCS_2.32) id f5CDUhE25498; Tue, 12 Jun 2001 08:30:43 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 08:30:43 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200106121330.f5CDUhE25498@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1221 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1221 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1221 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 08:30:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1221 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1216 59 votes 4ado8 6km74 cik63 65jfe 7in74 35kla 6ahi8 4cqd4 5fid8 4a8ji 1216 3.1 mean 3.4 2.7 2.5 3.4 2.7 3.5 3.2 3.0 3.1 3.6 --- 1221-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great and mighty oracle, whose toe cheese is finer in quality than > the finest swiss, > > what is your honest opinion of my poem? > > ]Coy Intentions... > ] > ]So this is what you choose > ]A life of misery and hate > ] > ]That's what you want > ]Pain in abundance > ] > ]It's all you're getting > ]The binding sins of life > ] > ]It's all you'll ever need > ]An endless void in the heart And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm? What was that? I'm sorry, I kind of zoned out there, just past } the grovel. You know, I had never realized how delicious this toe } cheese really is! [smacking lips] Mmm-mmm! And it really washes } down well with this sweat wine. Such a delicate bouquet, too. Have } to let it breathe, though... } } Anyways, where were we...your poem. My personal opinion: it doesn't } rhyme very well. If I may make a few subtle changes: } } Coy Intentions } by } Excellently Grovelling Supplicant } } Roses are red, } Violets are blue, } My toe cheese is yummy, } Now pass me a brew! } } I think that pretty much nails it on the head, don't you? } } You owe the Oracle some great-tasting navel lint. --- 1221-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, you amaze even Pedro Martinez with your pitching > prowess. Not even Bill Buckner could shag a ground ball like you. > What are the chances of the Red Sox winning a world series this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Zadoc? Zadoc! HOI, ZADOC!" } } "Yes, my master, my most esteemed one, my highest upon high, my --" } } "Quiet, fool. You're a 'merkin, are you not?" } } "Indeed, oh he who would ask silly questions to which he already knows } the answer, as he is wise in all things, he who could spot a native } from across the world itself --" } } "Shush. Take a look at this. This supplicant here says that I have } great pitching ability. What does that mean?" } } "Surely you know, he who hides his wisdom and divinity so as not to } make the poor and undeserving feel like pittance when placed next to } him. For are you not --" } } "Humour me." } } "Erm, well, pitching, was it? It must refer to, er, how quickly you } pitch a, um, tent. Yes! A tent, your worship, your holiness, he who } could hold a tent up with but his --" } } "That's enough of that, Zadoc. And this ... this 'shagging' of a } ground ball? I'm assuming that this is some sort of ludicrous } American turn of phrase?" } } "Oh, indeed, your honour, your wonderfulness, your --" } } "And what does it mean, exactly?" } } "Uh, a ground ball is, er, another word for a, um, woman. Naturally, } your grace, you are the pinnacle of perfection when it comes to } shagging every form and countenance of all that the female sex has to } offer. You, oh great and mighty one, are unequaled in both the } wisdoms and ways of the world as well as the styles and techniques of } the bedroom. Many a night --" } } "Yes, yes, I've heard that all before. So these people mentioned here } .. they must be heroes of their age, then? Folks who have exceeded } in these particular venues, and thus have achieved almost legendary } status?" } } "But of course, for who could dare question the wit and wisdom of the } all-powerful Oracle?" } } "Indeed. Hmm. So this 'world series' must be some sort of contest } held in a world forum where people get together, pitch some tents, and } have sex until there's only one man standing. Doesn't seem like a } gentleman's sport, does it?" } } "Erm..." } } "And these 'Red Sox' must be a team who keep their socks on while } shagging as some sort of gesture of freedom and democracy and all that } sort of merkin rubbish. Well, they have as good a chance as the } completely naked folks, I suppose. Zadoc, I am ready to respond." } } "Yes, your verisimilitude. How should I word the response?" } } "Like this:" } } } The Red Sox seem in prime condition, and look as if they could take } } the world series by storm. Be cautious, however, and don't let your } } girlfriend catch you watching. She may not understand how important } } this sport is to you and yours. } } } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of the whole thing. } } "Master?" } } "Yes?" } } "I don't suppose -- I mean, I'm only asking -- that when the tribute } comes in, could I, er, I mean..." } } "Yes. But once it goes in that room, I don't want to so much as touch } it. Understood?" } } "Oh THANK you, most high, most gratuitous, most --" } } "Yeah, yeah. Now get lost. I have work to do." --- 1221-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you reachable by email? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now listen, Judy, for the very last time. Our relation is ended, we } can't speak to each other any longer. Lisa has found out about you. --- 1221-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is everybody always picking on me And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're a nose for crying out loud. --- 1221-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, now you've done it. I've been Zotted by you so many times now > that I'm addicted to it. > > So, here I am for my daily dose. Let me have it!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, no problem, man, I just need $100 cash up front. } Now that you're hooked, that's how it works from here on out. --- 1221-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Noble Oracle; truly dignity and grace are as conspicuous upon your > eyes as in the eyes of kings that deal justice. > > Why can't I work at night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you fall asleep. } } Are your eyes bloodshot? Are the bags under your eyes darker than } Tammy Faye Baker's mascara? Have you slept in the last 36 hours? Do } your hands shake uncontrollably? Can you complete an entire sentance } without stuttering? Do you have a headache? Are your eyes burning? } Can you stand without assistance? } } If you answered no to any of the above questions you obviously aren't } consuming enough caffeine. Immediately consume 1/4 pound of chocolate } covered expresso beans, washing them down with 5-10 cups of black } coffee (Pepto-Bismal is optional), and recite the following mantra: } } "It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans } of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the } shaking becomes a warning, it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in } motion." } } You owe the Oracle some Valium. --- 1221-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Grand Oracle is too far north for me, all hail the Oracle > deliverer from any evil or calamity from our own misshapen thoughts. > Orrie is more grand than the Parliament of Bats. > > Should we take the shortcut through The Cave? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: WonderPriest! Hurray, to the Bat Cave!!! } } (Screen spins while music in background plays very fast arpeggios) } } Zadok: Look, master. The supplicants... They're trying to enter the } Bat Cave! } } O: Exactly as I feared, WonderPriest. What we need is time to think. } Take out your OmniscientScope and point it at the supplicants. What do } you see? } } Z: Grumbling Grovels OrrieMan! Those aren't supplicants, they're } WOODCHUCKS! } } O: Correct, WonderPriest. They must have been sent here from } Punxsatawney by my archenemy, the evil Dr. Gopher. } } Z: I bet they're up to no good, OrrieMan. Probably some fiendish plot } to capture the Bat Cave in a dasterdly attempt to take over the world. } } O: No doubt your right, WonderPriest. You stand on the left side of } the door while I'll take the right side. When the woodchucks enter, } make sure you hit them with you OmniscientRay. Got it? } } Z: Right, OrrieMan. We'll show them a thing or two! } } (Enter woodchucks through door. General melee ensues with bad sixties } music playing in the backround.) } } *POFF!* } } *BAMF!* } } *GORMPH!* } } (Fade to next scene where OrrieMan and WonderPriest are tied together } using a thick piece of rope suspended over a kettle of boiling acid) } } Head Woodchuck: We've got you now, OrrieMan, and this time there's no } escape. Soon, Dr. Gopher will rule the world! } } Z: In your dreams, you dirty rodent! Wait till we get out of here, } we'll show you! } } O: (In hushed tone) Quite WonderPriest, it's time to use your head, not } your mouth. } } HW: You're not going anywhere, boy know-it-all! Say Goodbye... } OrrieMan!!!! } } (Head woodchuck release electric winch which begins to lower our heroes } into the acid) } } Z: OrrieMan! What do we do now?! } } O: I need you to press the ZotButton on my OmniscientBelt when I give } you the word. I'm going to aim for the winch on the wall. We'll have } to hit it, or we're doomed. Press it... NOW! } } (A powerful flash ensues, destroying the winch mechanism and blinding } the woodchucks in one master stroke. OrrieMan and WonderPriest release } themselves from bondage. Fade to next scene where woodchucks are in } handcuffs escorted by policemen.) } } Z: You're not so cocky now that Supplicant City's finest have you in } custody, are you Mr. Woodchuck?! } } HW: No worry. Dr Gopher will get us out of the klink quicker than } heads turn whenever Lisa bends over. Wait and see. } } Z: Why you... } } O: Let it go, WonderPriest. We'll have to catch Dr. Gopher some other } day. Supplicant city is safe, for now... Take 'em away boys! } } (Screen spins to black with rapid arpeggios playing in background.) } } You owe the Oracle Adam West's autograph and a promise to slap Michael } Keaton for ruining a good thing. --- 1221-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your turn. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orrie: } } X | | } ----------- } | | } ----------- } | O | } } Commentary: An unorthodox counter by The Oracle playing, as } always, "O". } } Supplicant: } } X | X | } ----------- } | | } ----------- } | O | } } Commentary: A rather straight forward, but counter- } intuitive counter move by the supplicant. } } Orrie: +1 } } X | X | Y } ----------- } | | } ----------- } | O | } } Commentary: Orrie scores with a chromosome reference! } } Supplicant: } } X | X | Y } ----------- } | | } ----------- } S | O | } } Commentary: Clearly shaken by The Oracle's last move } the supplicant lashes out blindly. } } Orrie: +1 } } X | X | Y } ----------- } E | | } ----------- } S | O | } } Commentary: Oracle scores with a reverse vertical, that } cleverly alludes to his first point. } } Supplicant: +1 } } X | X | Y } ----------- } E | | } ----------- } S | O | S } } Commentary: Hello Freud, the supplicant telegraphs his } state of mind. } } Orrie: +2 } } X | X | Y } ----------- } E | E | } ----------- } S | O | S } } Commentary: A double for Orrie! And talk about one track, but } the crowd loves it and goes wild. Judges rule XEO } too obscure, Oracle shrugs it off. } } Supplicant: +1 } } X | X | Y } ----------- } E | E | E } ----------- } S | O | S } } Commentary: Judges ruled 'Triple E' as inadmissible, despite } the supplicant's spirited arguments that it is } 'a shoe size joke that alludes to the size of } one's feet and the relation of same to one's } meat'. } } Oracle wins: 4 to 2 } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of 'The Glass Bead Game'. --- 1221-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle so smart that he knows why Superman wears his underpants > outside of his trousers, tell me: > > Can George W Bush *really* speak Spanish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant of little faith.. } } Who do you think taught the Bush twins how to say "Margarita"? } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Sauza Gold Tequila --- 1221-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [...a plain cursor blinks at you...] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have some medium wounds. } } > west } } A large directory blocks your way. } The plain cursor misses you. } } > hit cursor } } You move towards the cursor, but it is displaced by a keypress. } The plain cursor hits you with a hard blink. } You are critically wounded. } } > inv } } You have: } addch() } attrset() } curs_set() } echo() } initscr() } refresh() } } > refresh() } } SYNTAX ERROR } } > refresh(); } } You feel better. } The plain cursor hits you with the speed of a carriage return. } You are slightly wounded. } } > addch('d'); } } You summon a d. } The d displaces the plain cursor. } The plain cursor backspaces over the d. } The d has been killed. } There is now a d corpse on the ground. } } > eat d corpse } } What, are you stupid? } } > flee } } You try to escape north, but the plain cursor move()s in front of you. } The plain cursor blinks at you. } You have, like, 1 hit point left, man! } } > curs_set(0); } } Capability not supported by terminal. } The plain cursor hits you with a bold blink. } You are dead. } Would you like to try again? [Y] _