From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue May 1 11:05:22 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.31) id KAA22137; Tue, 1 May 2001 10:40:27 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 1 May 2001 10:40:27 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200105011540.KAA22137@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1216 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1216 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1216 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 01 May 2001 10:40:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1216 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1211 57 votes 6d8ci 8doc0 9aoa4 49in3 3emd5 58ehd ael93 28hff abic6 1jhf5 1211 3.1 mean 3.4 2.7 2.8 3.2 3.1 3.4 2.7 3.6 2.9 3.1 --- 1216-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > moo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / } Your Cow has Run Away, What to Do: A Survivor's Guide. } / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ } } Cows from all walks of life run away for all kinds of reasons. } Most cattle are found within 48 hours. Usually they come back } on their own accord lowing happily. Others have their private } parts mutilated by aliens and are dumped without ceremony in } fields in the western United States out of black helicopters, } but don't dwell on that. } } Why cattle run away } } * Some run away impulsively after an argument. A simple branding } can be a big thing to a cow. It's not like they're NBA stars } who are being paid to have a symbol etched on their skin. } * Some run away because they are ninnies without a brain in their } heads. Maybe they heard a loud sound. Or got caught up in a } stampede. Cows can be quite stupid. } * Only cows in cartoons go anywhere because of greener grass on } the other side of a fence. } } What you can do to keep your cow from running away } } * Tie your cow to a large rock or keep it in a box. } } Prevention } } If things are starting to go wrong between you and your cow, try to } rebuild your relationship before there is a crisis. Even if there are } lots of "ups and downs" & "ins and outs" and then more "ins and outs" } and then more "ins and outs" make sure that your cow knows that you } love her. Don't read your cow any stories by Faulkner about the Snopes } family either. (i.e. 'The Hamlet') } } If your cow runs away } } Try to stay calm. Remember most cattle return of their own accord. } Find out what you can about your cow leaving. Did she leave a note? } Was she wearing a bell? Is there a pile of bloody bones and tufts } of hair surrounded by wolf prints near the rock where you kept your } cow tied up? You did have your cow tied to a rock didn't you? } } When your cow returns } } 1.Butcher cow, hack it up into cookable chunks. } 2.Place chunk, fat side up on a rack in an open, shallow roasting pan } 3.Insert the meat thermometer into the center of the thickest muscle } of the meat } 4.Do not add water or liquid, and do not cover } 5.Roast at 325M-0 F until meat thermometer registers 5M-0 F below } desired doneness. } 6.Remove from oven, cover with foil, and let stand 15 to 20 minutes } before slicing } 7.Wolf it down. } } You owe the Oracle some curds and whey. --- 1216-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now both of them are pregnant. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have a problem. You see, Siamese litters are usually money in the } bank, but if you're going to have two concurrent litters, we're } talking about possibly as many as sixteen kittens in one market, and } it's not at all easy to unload that many cats. } } Don't even consider the burlap sack/water "stock reduction" method. } Seriously. If you do, you'll be accidentally hit by seventeen cars } and your brain will be kept alive in a tank until the trial, when } you'll be sentenced to execution by being eaten alive on "Survivor } III." You don't want that. Your best bet is to seperate out a male } and female from each litter and pair them up, so that you have two } more potential breeding pairs. Contact other breeders through the } pedigree association and see if you can't sell them that way. That } cuts down the overall number of kittens you need to sell by four, and } also cuts down on your overhead expenses. Then, plan to ask $150 a } kitten instead of $200. Yes, that'll depress the market, so don't } plan on breeding any more litters for another year or two. } } And next time, keep the males in their run, and the females in } theirs. Yeesh. Didn't anyone go through this with you behind the barn? } } You owe the Oracle the pick of the litter. --- 1216-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, magnificant of magnificat! Seer of sayings! > > I have encountered a problem to which I see no answer. I beg you to > help me see the light. > > You are in a crufty basement. It is dark and stinks of mold. There are > many open boxes of tobacco strewn around. There are parts of cars and > dead animals here. A Chinese man crouches in the corner. > You see: > A bush. > Some fresh gore. > A patsy named Chad. > Now what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is major flaw in the game and there is no solution to this one. } You'll have to wait until version 2004 is released so you can upgrade. } In the meantime, hope that the bugs in version 2000 don't cause a } fatal crash to the whole system. --- 1216-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are all women so stupid? Are there *any* females of the human > species who **don't** entertain some weirdly optimistic outlook on > life?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let your mom continue to think you'll amount to something. --- 1216-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Quantumly-aligned Oracle, you who have Brilliance that could > outshine a G3-type star, and could bend the very Laws of Physics > themselves into a pretzel that would make Stephen Hawking go rotary in > his grave, bestow upon this unworthy supplication a small fleck of your > wisdom. > > I find myself proverb-challenged this morning, O Great One. If you > could complete the following, I would be forever in your debt and I'll > promise to do at least five "askme" mailings per day. > > -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- > A Miss is as good as... > > If you lie down with dogs... > > Happy the bride who... > > None are so blind... > > You get out of something what you... > > When the blind leadeth the blind... > -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- > > Thank you, Wise one! I look forward to your distilled sagacity in this > matter (as long as it's at least 80 proof). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A Miss is as good as...a nudge to a blind bat. } } If you lie down with dogs...expect to smell a bit 'doggy' when you get } up. } } Happy the bride who...promises to obey. } } None are so blind...as actual blind people. } } You get out of something what you...take out of it less taxes and } insurance. } } When the blind leadeth the blind...watch out. --- 1216-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most clever, > > What do you get when a Postmodernist joins the Mafia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A offer you can't reduce. --- 1216-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle more smart than new paint and sharper than a razor, > > Whose job was it to tell her of the forms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Wise Oracle more smart than new paint and sharper than a razor, } } "smarter" } } > Whose job was it to tell her of the forms? } } Plato, but Plato still has this hangup about teaching women about } philosohpy. I told him "look, you're dead now, you can't keep holding } onto your old notions of gender and education. Besides, your Ideal } Forms are called morphogentics these days and now women teach the } stuff." He replied "You're omniscient, that means knowing everything, } right?" "Yes, of course." } "And the most valuable knowledge is born of wisdom, right? } "Yeee-eees." } "Would you agree that the young are less wise than the elderly?" } "Of course." } "So the elderly are more wise than the young?" } "Um, yeah." } "I was born 427 years before that carpeter's son's observed birthday, } and you got here as the USENET Oracle, what, twenty-odd years ago?" } "Yeah, but..." } "Right. So I'm your elder, I'm wiser than you are, so what I know } about Forms and women is more valuable than what you know. So when I } tell you that I'm not going to teach the secrets of the universe to } women, you can put a sock in it." } } At this point, Lisa snatched the *ZOT* rod out of my hand and gave it } to him good. "If I wanted help filling out my 1040 tax forms," she } said, "why the hell did I have to ask someone from ancient Greece?" } } You owe the Oracle some crackers and Socracheese. --- 1216-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Little Red Riding Hood nervously opened the door, and said, "My, > grandmother, what bright eyes you have!" > > "All the better to see you with, my dear!" came the reply. > > The child said, "My, grandmother, what big ears you have!" > > "All the better to hear you with, my dear!" > > Little Red Riding Hood fidgeted nervously, and looked at the computer. > "My, grandmother, what a fast Internet connection you have!" > > The wolf grinned wickedly and said, "All the better to SPAM you with, > my dear!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "No! No! That's not how it goes Mr. Monocle." The kids were all jumping } up and down, yelling and hooting. The librarian was looking our way } again. } } "Settle down, kids," I said. "Mr. Oracle KNOWS how the story goes." } } That was when the red-haired kid, the one who was a dead ringer for } Michael Banks from Mary Poppins, the one with the ultimate hit-me face, } walked right past the hallowed-ground line I had drawn in chalk on the } roadway-print carpet. } } "Mr. Monocle, you tell the story RIGHT, or I'm TELLin my DAD!" } } "That's Oracle, you git." } } "My DAD says ALL of you MONOCLES are the SAME!" } } "Watch your mouth, boy." } } "My DAD says the DELphi monocle's ten TIMES the-" } } **ZOT** } } And ZOT the rest of them for good measure. } } That's the last time I volunteer to read for story time at the Olympus } Community Library. } } You owe the Oracle enough cash to cover the fine on "Our Bodies, Our } Selves", checked out in 1978, still not returned. --- 1216-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that whenever the daily show with Jon Stewart comes my mom > comes up to me and goes "TURN THAT CRAP OFF NOW!" when she's the one > that's watching it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have just described the "poor man's remote control." --- 1216-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, brighter than the sun by day, bolder than the moon at > night, answer my query if you please... > > I can't get my WINUX 2004 operating system to install properly, what am > I doing wrong? I mean, I have the special 175-key keyboard with all of > the icons: Ctrl, Alt, Menu, Window, Mac, Penguin, Any and "deposit > $1000 into Bill Gate's offshore bank account" keys... plugged into the > round green socket. I've hooked up the required 16 button mouse with > built-in trackball, touch, toggle and slide options to the triangular > purple socket. My 35 inch 0.08 dot pitch 32768 by 24576 monitor is > plugged into the red 128-pin connector, and the whole thing is plugged > into a 440 volt outlet. > > I just can't figure out what I'm missing, any ideas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } See that big red switch on the side?