From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Mar 19 09:57:36 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.31) id JAA19977; Mon, 19 Mar 2001 09:25:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 09:25:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200103191425.JAA19977@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1210 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1210 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1210 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 09:25:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1210 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1205 65 votes 49tk3 7alm5 ejhc3 2ckm9 dpj71 dkj76 3clo5 9jm87 4asj4 3bmja 1205 3.0 mean 3.1 3.1 2.6 3.4 2.4 2.6 3.2 2.8 3.1 3.3 --- 1210-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Tactful, > > Where is the best place to bury this chest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Under three thick jumpers (sweaters) and a tight girdle. } } But honestly, it's a lovely chest. Full, rounded, and } well-proportioned. Don't hide it - be proud of it. I would be if it } were Lisa's. Or even mine. I'd show it off, uncovered, out for all } to see. } } You owe the Oracle all the other treasure-boxes you're hiding in that } clothing drawer. And a better view of that chest. that's better - } turn around so we can see it. Such lovely wood. Such beautiful brass } bindings. It's really far to pretty to go into the bottom of your } closet under all those old clothes. --- 1210-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Behold the Oracle, the sight of whom is more romantic than watching the > sun setting over the ocean in a tub of whipped cream. > > I seem to be in Love for the first time, suddenly all the songs on the > radio make sense and I can watch Hugh Grant mumble illegible nonsense > to Julia Roberts without throwing up my popcorn. > Why wasn't I warned about these drawbacks in advance? > I might have had myself fixed with a rusty hedge clipper had I known! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't worry, these are only temporary. } } Reality will once again be normal after the wedding. --- 1210-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, i'm looking for a Mr. Og. > I'm from Reader's Digest. > He's won won the sweepstakes. > No, you may not collect it for him. > Look, i've got an oversize novelty cardboard check here for Mr. Og and > i mean to give it to him... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Sir, Madam } } My name is W.Retched, lawyer in U-A-RO- X6 and RT& and I am writing on } behalf of Doctor Og. The Oracle has mailed my client that a letter } addressed to my client was mistakenly posted to his address. Regarding } The Oracle's complaints of misspelling and/or threats in this letter } mistakenly address to him/her I would gladly point you to my confrere } B.Eelzebub as he is spokesman of The Oracle. He will contact you soon } about finding a plausible solution. } } However, Doctor Og has told me to (and I quote now) "Tell that half } witted, run of the mill piss ant excuse of a lower life form that he } can eat his cardboard with jalapeno peppers and wait till it hurts". } } It is painfully clear to Doctor Og that a lot of people still think of } him as the retarded Neanderthal man he used to be. However, after an } encounter with Dr. Apmats of Lithuania last summer and the successful } implant of the brain of the late Sir Hopkins (also know as Hannibal) Dr } Og considers himself enough of 'human quality". } As for damages, Doctor Og has expressed his concern for possible } erroneous articles in the press about this incident and therefore is } inviting you for a late night supper to patch things up. } } Regards, } W.Retched --- 1210-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most psychomorphic and heterotropic, > Is there a proper subvariety of the variety of lattices in which > all epimorphisms are surjective? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Wide shot of a desk, where the narrator, an avuncular looking man } wearing a white coat, is watching a video playing. The video clearly } features a younger version of the same man.] } } Man in Video: [reacting to an incoming email] Oh no! A math question! } Aiiiiggghhhh!! [Looks down] Uh oh. } } [The narrator chuckles and reaches forward to turn off the video.] } } Narrator: [Turning to the camera] You know, like many people, I used to } react with hysterical, pants-wetting panic when faced with a complex } mathematical question. But I overcame my problem. and you can too, } with the amazing new EZ-MATH (tm), from the dedicated scientists at } Oracle Industries. } } Let me show you how it works. The EZ-MATH (tm) translator will take } any mathematical question, no matter how difficult or obscure, and turn } it into a question so simple that any moron can answer it. } } [Cut to a man dressed in a suit, who strangely resembles a chimpanzee. } The caption reads "Senior U.S. Government Official".] } } SGO: It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it. } } Narrator: A classic case. Let's try the unchanged version first. Say, } Mr Pres--I mean, Mr. "Government Official". Is there a proper } subvariety of the variety of lattices in which all epimorphisms are } surjective? } } SGO: Aiiiiiiiigggghhhh!!!! [Looks down, then looks offscreen.] Mr. } Cheney, it happened again! } } Narrator: Now let's try the EZ-MATH (tm) version. Mr. Official, how } many letters in the word "set"? } } SGO: [wearing a different suit] We ought to make the pie higher. } } Narrator: Okay, so clearly this doesn't work when the subject is a } drug-addled loon. But for most people, EZ-MATH (tm) is the way to end } math anxiety forever! } } That's EZ-MATH (tm) available now at retailer near you! } } You owe the Oracle a jumbo-sized box of Depends. --- 1210-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > GROVEL. > > Done. > > > VERSION > > The Nostalgia Oracle: A Vision of the Horrific Past > Version 2 / Serial Number 110879 > > > LOOK > > You're in a small bedroom. A door leads to the north. There is a poster > hanging on the wall, a large dresser with a mirror (which is covered > with cut out items from fanzines), and a bed here. A small Disco Ball, > a Pet Rock, and a record player is on the dresser. There is a large > collection of records and 8-track tapes under the bed. > > There is also a rip in the fabric of space and time to the south. > > > INVENTORY > > You are empty handed. > > > LOOK AT POSTER > > John Travolta. In polyester. On a dance floor. There isn't a lot more > to say. There is another poster under it, though. > > > MOVE POSTER > > The poster underneath is badly torn. You can barely make out the words > "EP ON TRUC"; the rest is incomprehensible. > > > LOOK RIP > > That sentence isn't one I recognize. > > > EXAMINE RIP > > It's glowing vaguely. Who knows where it leads? > > > GET ALL > > Disco Ball: Taken. > Pet Rock: Taken > Record Player: You can't take that! > Poster: Are you sure you want to take that? [Yes/No] > > NO > Records: You'll have to be specific, there are too many to pick up now. > 8-Track Tapes: No. They frighten you, for reasons you can't put words > to. > > > MOVE TAPES > > [Assuming you mean the 8-Track Tapes] > > Underneath is a collection of Atari 2600 cartridges, and a Captain > Crunch plastic whistle. > > > GET WHISTLE > > Taken. > > The rip is dimming. > > > ENTER RIP > > You see a white column of light, with blue on both sides. Numbers pass > by; 1979, 1980, 1981, and from there, you can't make it out anymore, > until it slows down again; 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989... and then it stops. > > Living Room > > There isn't a lot here. A couch, a TV, a VCR recorder, a Rubik's Cube, > an NES, a CD player connected to a stereo system, a bookshelf, and not > much else. There is a large archway, leading to the east. > > There is also a rip in the fabric of space and time here. > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +------+ 1 } | 1979 | } +------+ } | } | } +-------------+ 2 +---------+ 3 } | 1989 |----| 1989 | } | Living Room | | Bedroom | } +-------------+ +---------+ } \ } \ } +-------------+ 4 +---------+ 5 } | 1999 |----| 1999 | } | Living Room | | Bedroom | } +-------------+ +---------+ } \ } \ } +--------+ 6 } | Nexus | } +--------+ } } 1. Move Tapes. Get all but poster. Enter Rift. } 2. Get Cube. Solve Cube. Solve Cube. Throw Cube. Put cartridges in } wall. Use Rock on NES. Examine NES. Get RF Shield. Move couch. Get } cash. Get CD Player. E. } 3. Look Bed. Drop all. Enter Bed. Make love. Get all but cash and } phone. Dial Switzerland with phone. Use Whistle. Broker, buy Netscape. } Broker, buy AOL. Drop phone. W. Enter Rift. } 4. Use RF Shield on celphone. Use celphone. Broker, sell all. Broker, } buy Viagra. Examine computer. Use Computer. Ebay.com. Throw } celphone. Examine wall. Get cartridges. Sell cartidges on computer. } Use Computer. Bank.com. Use printer. Get balance sheet. E. (For a } cute easter-egg, type "Quake2" instead of "Bank.com".) } 5. Look Bed. Drop all. Enter bed. Exit bed. Get Disco Ball. Use } Disco Ball. Up. Use CD Player. Nine Inch Nails. Get Balance Sheet. } Get condom. Enter bed. Use condom. Make Love. Show Balance Sheet. } Make Love. Exit bed. Get wristwatch. W. XYZZY. Enter Rift. } 6. Look. Examine Oracle. Time Is Money. Use watch. Get life. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Scott Adam's only ever shoot-em-up game. --- 1210-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, the queue has pretty jokes dear > And it shows them, paper white > Just an in-joke, has Thagernon, dear > And he keeps it way out of sight > > When that queue bites, with his puns, dear > Silent groans begin to spread > Fancy gags though, has Thagernon, dear > So there's never, never a trace of dread > > On the Network, one Sunday morning > Lies an in-joke, once quite loved > Someone sneaking, around the corner > Could that someone, be Thag the Club? > > [Hey, at least it's better then Bobbie Darin's hack job on the song, to > say nothing of The Door's cover version...] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a quarter to three, } There's no one in the queue except you and me. } So, set 'em up Joe, I've got a little story that you oughta know. } We're drinkin' my friend, to the end of a beloved in-joke, } Make it one for my Thaggie and one more for the rhod ... } } I got the tell me, so it's up to me to put together the scene, } I'm writing the gags, trying to fit in Lisa and Zadoc and Thag } But it's just a bore, been done before, a punchline everyone knows } So make it one for my Thaggie, and one more for the rhod ... } } You probably know it, but I'm not much of a poet, } And I have no more Thag jokes to say } And Lisa and Zadoc, just give me a headach } And why won't Og go away? } } Well that's how it goes and Joe, I know you're gettin' anxious to close } So, thanks for the post, but you shouldn't be stirring up ghosts } This joke that you love must be shoved to the side or I will explode } So, make it one for my Thaggie and one more for the rhod ... } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of your best stuff, baby. --- 1210-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderful and majestic is the Oracle, an Internet without him would > be like a spay without son power, > > Do refrigerators harbor malice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is assuming that you mean 'sun' instead of son power. If } not, then you should contact the Oracle via secured lines and tell it } about your masterful idea to use sons for heating buildings, running } cars and doing the laundry. } } Back to your question then. Of course do refrigerators harbour malice. } It is even common knowledge to all sane people on this planet. The } Oracle wonders where you've been hiding all these years. You do know } that G. Double You is now president of the USA? No? Hmmm, you do know } that we use Buddha's as target practice these days? No? Hmmm, you know } that Chesty Morgan made a gem in the filming industry by starring in } 'Deadly Weapons' around the early seventies? Yes? Fine, than we have a } clear picture of your mental state of mind. } I'm not going to ask you about the clear signs of violence emanating } from the fridges these days. I hope that this fact is known to you. But } for your reassurance the Oracle will provide you a 'symbolic' list. } } Ten signs that refrigerators harbour malice and are even evil to the } bones } } 1) The light goes out..... (Yes, that's the spooky part) } 2) Ever felt the back of the refrigerator? It's HOT, HOT, HOT (clearly } a sign of hidden anger) } 3) That humming sound, hour after hour, suddenly stopping to a halt } with a } 4) The shudder after the humming sound, if you look carefully you'll } see that the whole object moves a bit to the front } 5) The inhuman ability to create icecubes at will (how cold a heart a } refrigerator must have) } 6) The fact that Northern American refrigerators are as big as a } middle class European car, it seems you can stuff a corpse in it } without losing room for eggs and milk } 7) The prominent role of refrigerators in sitcoms and comedies } involving dysfunctional American families. Every single time a } character opens the fridge doors a humongous flask or bag or jar } appears out of nowhere } 8) The nagging feeling you have that that tuna sandwich was in your } fridge an hour ago and you can't find it anymore } 9) The tremendous shock when after two months you find your missing } tuna sandwich in your vegetable drawer, covered with green or yellow } ooze, hard as a rock and stinking like hell. The fact that you are } absolutely sure that you did check the vegetable drawer makes it more } uncomfortable } } And the number one reason that refrigerators harbour malice } 10) They are secretly conspiring in a global plot to off mankind from } this planet by creating big holes in the protective ozone layer } } So you see, there you have it, a pearl of knowledge from the Oracle. } The Oracle suggests that you ditch your fridge and just eat all the } food that you buy immediately and refrain from the nagging temptation } to even buy a freezer. } } You owe the Oracle a mint copy of 'Double Agent 73', a litre of walnut } ice and two spoons. --- 1210-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Highly esteemed Oracle, nothing is of greater significance or > importance than you! Your ideas are like a metallic gauze, > a curtain of protecting wire, around the illicit, dangerous > fire of dumbness that we humans dance beside in glee, > > Aren't outcasts and outlaws the only ones by definition that > can think for themselves? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sadly, no. You see, in these early years of the twenty-first century, } "outcasts" and "outlaws" are just grist for the devouring, greedy } mill that is public relations in Hollywood today. Once, James Dean } could be called a "Rebel" and have media attention but now -- the } drive to be outside the system is so pernacious that a whole new } system has been built around being an outsider. } } Therefore, Outcasts have very specific guidelines and union } regulations to follow. You have to specifically adopt a concentration } (some popular ones include "goth wannabe," "cynical drug user," and } "quiet man, polite to his folks, I'm stunned he killed all those } people, officer") and follow misanthropic behavioral patterns, such } as beating up photographers or sleeping with Danny Bonaduce. } } Outlaws, on the other hand, have to be "mavericks, willing to buck } the system", and that requires so much support and backup that } most outlaws need corporate sponsorship. So, "Sony's Quentin } Tarentino" and "Starbucks Presents Oliver Stone," for example, have } reputations of willful pride and bitter, cynical free thinking, } because those things push product, man! } } Musically, of course, it's hard to forget that the most original and } talented freethinking alternative music artist in the last several } years, Moby, has sold out or licensed every piece of music he's ever } recorded, most multiple times, and that this in turn made him popular } with the kids. } } The really depressing part of this whole response is that the last } paragraph is true. } } You owe the Oracle a new album by Bob Dylan and Neil Young. --- 1210-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I move about in a bowed, prostrate position, gripped with fear and > humility in your divine presence, > > Why do some people play games wrong deliberately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because there just aren't enough games written to involve alcohol and } nudity. } } Now, right hand on red or lose the pants sweetheart. --- 1210-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie-chan, > > We can dance, if we want to. We can leave your friends behind... > because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well, > they're no friends of MINE! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The victims of Sydenham's Chorea tried to put the best face on their } situation, just as many victims of other diseases did, but it was } the way they put it to music that set them apart from others. } } You owe the Oracle a triptych of St. Vitus.