From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Feb 8 10:03:16 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.30) id JAA23569; Thu, 8 Feb 2001 09:36:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2001 09:36:42 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200102081436.JAA23569@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1205 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1205 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1205 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2001 09:36:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1205 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1200 67 votes dgma6 5mmc6 2kod8 25mpd 1amke 35sp6 3avi5 7jhi6 7joc5 79lm8 1200 3.1 mean 2.7 2.9 3.1 3.6 3.5 3.4 3.2 3.0 2.8 3.2 --- 1205-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who rocks even more than that moment in "Won't Get Fooled > Again" where Keith Moon brings the boys out of the synthesizer break > with this incredible drum riff BOMP DA BOMP BOMP BOMP BAM BAM BAM BAM > BAM! and then Roger Daltrey reaches way down and screams > "YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".... > > Which is worse -- to experience a national disaster, as India did, or > to elect one, as the United States did? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To create one. Like they did in Russia. } } You owe the Internet Oracle tickets to the June 1967 Who gig at that } cute pub in Camden, and a better way to fix up Chernobyl than just } burying it under layers of concrete. --- 1205-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, sucker! > > I got your tribute RIGHT HERE! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I was hoping for something much, much larger. } } Ta-ta, } Auntie Ori --- 1205-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, fluffy soft, do tell: > > What could we expect of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Babylon 5: The Musical"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you can expect a certain amount of review for those people who } aren't familiar with the TV show, especially since this one's designed } to be the first of a series. Here's the program: } } Intro (I'm not sure of myself) - Commander Sinclair } Telepaths, ho! - Psi-Corps } Like our Minbari bone crests? - Grey Council } Our empire is fading; it must be the hair! - Centauri General } We have an aggressive expansionist policy. - Narn Warrior } Why do I have to use this encoHeadr suit? - Vorlon Boy } Can't we all just get along? - Company } } Intermission } } I really don't know what's going on. - Commander Sinclair } Why can't I have a cool name like Xenia Onatop? - Lt. Commander Susan } Ivanova } Wait, wait, don't tell me. - Talia Winters } Check out my do! (hairstyle reprise) - Ambassador Londo Mollari } Don't grab that, Commander. - Ambassador Delenn } Sometimes I don't like being the antagonist. - Ambassador G'Kar } De do do do, de da da da - Ambassador Kosh Naranek } What also floats in water? - Sir Not Appearing In This Musical } Can't we all just get along (reprise) - Company } } Fin --- 1205-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most high Oracle, > > As you, of course, know, I am a Canadian. I was just wondering, is > there such a thing as an American who actually knows something about > America's biggest trading partner/neighbor to the north? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You betcha! } Most of us Americans know a great deal about Mexico. } } What do you want to know? --- 1205-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Is Dick Morant really dead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Old actors never die, they just get left on the cutting-room floor. --- 1205-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fight! Fight! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle looks up from the question on the screen. The non- } question made no sense. Unless. . . } } [ Cut to view of the Oracle boarding a plane in Istanbul. Cut } to view of the Oracle riding a mule past the Parthenon. Cut } to a view of the Oracle buying a lotto ticket from a small } boy near the Sierra Madre's. Cut to a view of the Oracle } boarding a small private jet in Detroit. Cut to a view of } the Oracle standing at a sleazy bar asking a man with a } bird cage on his head a question: ] } } So tell me Mr. Birdcage head. Where is the Oracle!??? } } this is a test, right? } } No, it is not a test. Where is the Oracle? } } sir, no need for such a test. } } No, it is not a test, just answer me. I need to talk with } the Oracle. } } you can trust me sir, you can trust all of us. no need for } this really... } } WHERE IS HE DAMN IT?! } } sir. . . you are the oracle. } } [ dramatic music ] } } i hope i didn't fail a test sir. } } { It all was clear now. How could I have not seen? I -was- the } Oracle, of course. Everywhere I went I had seemed to always } be two steps behind him, one digest too late, one tellme away. } It all made sense now, it a stomach churning, clammy skinned } frightening way. The premonitions of the scores, the Deja } Vu disgestions, the tributes that asked for just -those- } things, the dreams of Lisa...!!! Lisa! ] } } } } { I hung up and noticed I was wet with sweat. I was the } Oracle. I was the one who answered the questions! How } then could so many answers have angered me? How then } could I... oh my, no. I can't be, no, No. I must } be a supplicant too. Maybe even The Supplicant. } } } [ Outside fog rolls in, a jet screams overhead, a dog } barks, flashing lights, drops of thick red fluid splash } on tea-bags floating in a sea of IKEA jetsam and beer. ] } } { I had to turn myself in? But to whom? Steve. Steve } himself. Surely he'd believe me. Unless... } } } [ A bellhop walks up and hands me a note. A note to } Mr. Kinzler. I stare at it. Another bellhop another } note, this one to B1Ff. Another bellhop, another note, } this one to Og... voices on the Public Address system } "Telegram for Supplicant 'F', telegram for 'Darkmage', } phone call for Mr. Joel Furr, table ready for the } W..dch..k party, all queue dra..." ] } } NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! } } [ fade to Black ] --- 1205-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most understandable and enigmatic, > > Why don't humans put huge mirrors in the sky to reflect sunlight > on to the night-time side of the Earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten Reasons Not to Put Huge Mirrors in Space to Reflect Sunlight } Onto the Night-Side of Earth: } } (whew) } } 10) I can't even sleep when a light in the next room is on; now you } want me to sleep when it looks like daytime? } } 09) Knowing NASA and other space organizations, they'll probably } get the configuration of the mirror wrong and turn it into a laser. } Whoops, there goes Russia. And China. And Japan. And the oceans. } Hey, how do you turn this thing off? } } 08) Two words for you: "global warming." } } 07) This kinda makes the whole "God separating night and day" } pointless, doesn't it? } } 06) Earth would become far too much like Ursa Minor Beta; all the } locations around the world would be perpetually timed to mid-Saturday } evening just before the bars close. } } 05) Electricity companies would go out of business. Oh, wait, you } wanted -bad- results, didn't you? } } 04) The gradual boiling away of the oceans would put a damper on any } sort of vacation you might decide to take, not to mention that the } extra cloud cover would eliminate any possible benefits. } } 03) Since it's always daytime, workplaces no longer have to adhere } to the age-old "come in during the light hours." People would start } working at all hours to cover the new twenty-four-hour consumer base. } } 02) The vampires would have nowhere to hide. } } And the Number One Reason Not to Put Huge Mirrors in Space to Reflect } Sunlight Onto the Night-Side of Earth: } } 01) It would only encourage the insomniacs. } } You owe the Oracle a sleeping mask and a work shift that starts at } three in the morning. --- 1205-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the queue again > Just can't wait to get in the queue again > The life I love is makin' in-jokes with my friends > And I can't wait to get in the queue again > Askin' questions that I've never asked > Seein' answers I may never see again > And I can't wait to get in the queue again... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ans'rin you again } Can't believe I'm ans'rin you again } You'd think that world-rule would keep me consumed, my friend } But somehow I'm here ans'rin you again } Extracting payments 'til I'm blue again } No matter what I say you cannot sue, so then... } I'll be back here ans'rin you again } } You owe the Oracle $1 million in back taxes.... --- 1205-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I get my answers faster from you? You are the slowest Oracle > I know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Zadoc steps in front of the camera looking very uncomfortable } in a shiny dark blue suit. His hair has been streaked blonde. } He is standing in front of a huge map of the world, at least } it looks like the world would look if the world was wrapped } in glowing lime green, bright orange, and pulsating pink } wires going every which way. Zadoc has a pointer in one hand } and some kind of small electronic box in the other hand.] } } Zadoc: Today's Queue Report is brought to you by Weird } Magazine, today's computer news tomorrow. } } Voice off camera: No, no, WIRED. } } [ Zadoc peers at cue card off screen and shrugs. ] } } Zadoc: We are still in the midst of a cliche storm, } flurries of tired non-questions culled from } old digests will continue into the middle of } next week, at times accompanied by downpours } of commercial jingles and odd sequences of } ASCII characters. } } [ Zadoc pushes a button on the box in his hand, bringing } up the next slide, a picture of Zadoc as a baby on } a zebra skin rug. ] } } Zadoc: As you can see here relief is on the way as the } September Front dies off... } } Voice off Camera: Wrong slide! } } [ Zadoc turns, glances at the huge screen behind him and } gives a start. He clicks at the box furiously bringing } up in rapid sequence a picture of Og beating a micro- } wave with a spiky stick, Lisa asleep on a couch, some } priests standing by a keg with full steins, and then } a chart of some sort covered with meaningless ASCII } characters. ] } } Zadoc: Oops, staff party pics. Anyway, we see some } good inquires on the horizon. Poignant insights } and amusing dialogues are expected any day now. } In the meantime keep those shovels handy. And } dress swarmly. } } [ Screen behind Zadoc changes to a close up of a box } of JELLO. ] } } Zadoc: This has been the Queue Report brought to you } by Hello. } } Voice: JELLO! } } Zadoc: Yes, no...erm JEllO! } } [ Fade to black ] --- 1205-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I log on to the IntercourseNet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First you need to find a service provider. These vary in availability, } equipment and services provided, and the demands to be made upon you. } New start-ups may appear to be more interesting for a while, but may } not be reliable in the long run. } } Before attempting to log on you need a password. This is a word or } words which will act to turn things on. Passwords may be identified } by talking to your service provider. You should carefully note the } password when you have identified it. } } Positioning yourself in front of the equipment, which should be } arranged for the IntercourseNet, insert your identity and then use } the passwords. You should then be logged on and can enjoy the } experience of browsing and exploring new territory. } } When you have finished, do not forget to log out. You may have left } traces of your visit behind in some places, but do not worry, these } will be processed after logging out or, in some cases be rejected.