From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 22 17:43:45 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id RAA19237; Mon, 22 Jan 2001 17:19:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 17:19:42 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200101222219.RAA19237@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1202 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1202 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1202 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 17:19:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1202 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1197 66 votes cejf6 3mqc3 cbhfb 3dkp5 6dtc6 cehe9 56ipc 4bri6 9lkb5 b9hfe 1197 3.0 mean 2.8 2.8 3.0 3.2 3.0 2.9 3.5 3.2 2.7 3.2 --- 1202-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and never divorced Oracle, please tell me.... > > So my fiance wants to take my last name, but as a modern liberal > young man I feel like her taking of my last name is reinforcing the > patriarchy. However, if I were to insist that she not, or even ask for > that matter, I would be being patriarchal and anti-feminist through > my actions. Should I just let her take my last name, regardless of > what it implies about the modern state of feminism, or should I try > and do something about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You could change your last name to Spineless. --- 1202-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to ask my girlfriend to get breast implants and not > have her get angry at me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Woo. That's a toughie. I've never had that problem myself with Lisa } (bless her ample bosom). I can ask her though. Hey sweetie... } } ...ow. Ow ow ow. Lisa suggests you should go to "boyfriend school" } or the SPCA's boy pound. } } I have some more serious suggestions. First, you have to really know } why you want your girlfriend to have bigger boobs. I mean some real } inner-cleavage gazing. Now, } - If you want your friends to be envious of your access to big } tits, buy your girlfriend a padded bra. The change is subtle enough } that your buddies won't think she got augmented, but their potential } to break the tenth commandment of JHVH will increase visibly. } - If you want to look at bigger tits on your girlfriend, get her } a corset. They can run pretty expensive, but shouldn't be more than } $300 USD. If you've got any friends into the 'goth' subculture you } can ask them for advice (and you might notice, with the high number } of fat goths, that you don't have to be thin to wear a corset). } The corset also has the bonus of making the girlfriend happier because } (a) she'll look and feel more svelte, and (b) you've spent a big gob } of money on her. } - If you want to play with bigger gazoombas, you can wait until your } next girlfriend. Dissatsifaction with your girlfriend's body can breed } resentment that abcesses and eats away at affection. Eventually you'll } have that fight that you can't apolgize for and you'll be single again, } so I'm sure you can just wait it out. } } You owe the Oracle a comparison betwen the Cosmetic Surgeons of } America's paper that stated that silicone implants were completely } inert and harmless, and the tobacco studies made by Marlboro, Winston } and duMaurier. --- 1202-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, damn, you are fine. Boy, you rock my world you big hunk of > government-issue cheddar you... > > I was supposed to be on Springer dis week wit my bo'frin' who be > cheatin' off me wit dat ho MoReese? Now my fifteen minutes be in > jepady cause MoReese done cancelled out so's he can be dere when that > bitch gives birth to dere little bastird child? I was wondrin' if > you'd stand in for him so's I can have summun's ass to kick? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What's scary about the Jerry Springer show is that Jerry Springer } was once the mayor of a major city in the USA, he lost his job for } paying hookers with his government issued credit card. Giving has- } been politicians a TV show is not a good idea it seems. And now } Bill Clinton is talking about having his own TV show... } } ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) } harp music as we leap to the future } ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) } } [ The set of the BILL! show, a huge wooden desk dominates } the stage, behind it sits the former president. Before } the desk are two pink bean bags. Sitting uncomfortably } in the bean bags are Zadoc and Og. ] } } BILL!: I feel your pain. } } [ Crowd applauds. ] } } Og: Orrie no like butt SUP-PER Glew on ToY-let. } } BILL!: I imagine not, and believe me I know what it's like } to get caught with one's pants down. } } [ Crowd howls with laughter. ] } } Zadoc: Oh, he was very angry. When he'd had enough ambrosia } to fall for a trick like that he also was dangerous } to be around. } } BILL!: I -know- angry. } } [ BILL! slides his chair back and yells under his desk. ] } } BILL!: Right Mona? } } Voice from under desk: So right! } } [ Crowd roars with laughter. ] } } ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( } harp music as we leap to the now } ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( } } Brrr, not a pretty picture. } } You owe the Oracle a nation with no trailer parks in it. --- 1202-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Awesome Awrical, I kneed to know. Please tell me everything you can > about something. Expository non-fiction writing paper's due tomorrow. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suggest you write about something timeless, something that all } people love, something that is near and dear to all. Yes, I speak } of 'bar jokes'. } } You've told them, you've heard them, you've read them and } been mislead by them. } } This is the first known bar joke: } } * A man and a saber tooth stared at a bush of fermented } berries near which were tipsy birds. The man said "Ur!". } And then the saber tooth ate the man. And then the saber } tooth ate the birds. } } Bar jokes quickly evolved into an art form. The Greeks held } bar joke contests before dramas. This one is by Euripides: } } * A Spartan, an man of Athens and a visiting Egyptian } were taking unwatered wine when the man from Athens } said, "In Athens if you drink a cup of unwatered wine } the others in the room buy you a second cup!". The } Spartan laughs and says, "In Sparta if you guzzle a } wineskin of unwatered wine and do not pass out the } others give you another bigger wineskin of unwatered } wine!". And the Egyptian said, "If you go to a place } of drink in my homeland, people buy you cups of drink } for hours on end and then you can go to the home of } someone there and have a night of wild sex." The } Spartan says, "Zeus' hair, I believe you not! Has this } ever happened to you?". "Well, no," says the Egyptian, } "But it happens to my sister all the time." } } During the dark ages of Europe bar jokes, slumped into } a stupor of disuse. Luckily the rest of the world kept } the tradition alive. Here's a bar joke from ancient China. } } * A zen master and a warrior enter a place of sake and lewd } women. Inside they encounter a cat of huge size, the cat } is gawking at the women. The zen master says, "Unseemly is } the staring of that cat." "Not to worry egghead," says the } warrior, "it is a Peking tom." } } In the USA the wild West period had its share of bar jokes: } } * A three legged dog limps into a saloon and says, "I'm looking } for the man who shot my paw." } } During WWII bar jokes took on a harsher edge in those harsh } times: } } * An British solider was stationed in Libya fighting The } Desert Fox. There was no pub in that desert land, but } they did find a dark hovel where a strange liquor was } sold. One lad drank his fill and then tried to walk back } to base. He exits the hovel and walks smack dab into a } palm tree, knocking him out. An hour latter he gets up } and walks smack into the tree again. "Blimey," says the } lad, "I'm lost in a forest." } } Hard times followed for bar jokes during the 1960s when } LSD jokes ruled, the few bar jokes we have from that period } are a tad surreal: } } * A fish goes into a bar and the barkeep says, "What do } you want?" and the fish grabs a napkin on it he scrawls } one word, "Water". } } But now a days bar jokes are back in. Below are the Oracle's } current favorite bar jokes. } } * A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman } says "That's a cute newt, what's he called?" "He's called Tiny." } says the man. "What a droll name" says the barman. "YEAH! Well } he's my newt," replies the man. } } * Two nuns were driving down the road late at night so they could } go in to a bar and be part of a joke, when all of a sudden a } vampire jumps out in front of the car making the car brake to a } halt. The first nun in a state of shock says to the second "Quick } ...to drive away vampires, you must show it your cross!", to which } the second nun winds down the window and shouts "GET OUT OF MY } FREAKING WAY!". } } * This bloke goes in to a bar. When he sits down he notices the man } next to him has a jelly donut on the bar that he is stabbing } repeatedly with a tiny paper umbrella of the type that are often } placed in icky tasting drinks as a warning to discerning folks. } The bloke says "Excuse me sir, but is there some reason you are } repeatedly stabbing a tiny paper umbrella into that jelly donut?" } The other man answers: "Yes there is, I'm criminally insane". } } You owe the Oracle a beer. --- 1202-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I am about to make the supreme sacrifice in honor of > being able to ask you a question. I am placing this razor-sharp > kantana to my belly and pu..pu.pushing it IN! Ach, I i... I am > moving it to the left noooo_ow... I want to show you that...that > I am honor..honored to ask of.. you a, a , question... I am moving > the sword... I ergh phfftt, ack oh oh oh ..... glurble, flok! > oooorpt. . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh my! Its has been years since I have read entrails! It } fell out of vogue with the end of the Roman Empire. Let me see: } } - you will soon experience a long uninterrupted period of } peace and silence. } } - job demands will lessen considerably. } } - your family members will get a large cash gift. } } - you had corn on the cob last night for dinner. } } You owe the Oracle a mop and bucket. --- 1202-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Sexy Oracle... > > Is there a better way of determining someone's feelings for you than > the He loves me, he loves me not" pulling off of pedals method? I like > the chanting but hate destroying flowers to do it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Another innocence landmark of youth killed by Politically Correctness. } } Also forced into early retirement are: } } * Carving you and your true loves initial in a heart on } a tree. (I can hear gasps of horror at the idea that } anyone ever did this anyway.) } } * Lighting a woman's cigarette for them. (This would be } seen as an attempt to poison her.) } } * Running out of gas in a remote spot. (Running out of } gas ruins a car's catalytic converter.) } } * Throwing your jacket over a puddle for her. ( This } could harm wetland creatures.) } } * Giving a woman diamonds or gold. (Produced by wage } slaves in oppressed nations.) } } * Giving someone chocolate. (Health risks). } } * Throwing pebbles at her window to speak with her at } night. (Strict stalking laws in most states.) } } You owe the Oracle two huge tea cups. --- 1202-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Why isn't there any more hot water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } B U L L E T I N } } FROM: FRESNO UNIVERSAL COMMISSION OF UTILITIES (FUC-U) } TO : ALL SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA RESIDENTS } RE. : POWER SHORTAGE } } Please be advised that California power companies have been purchasing } hot water from the water companies to generate more electricity in } hopes of alleviating the current electricity shortage. } } Hot water should be restored in several months. Until then you are } urged to bathe in public fountains, and wash your laundry in canals and } drainage ditches. For additional heat, please urinate in the water } first. } } We apologize if this has caused you any inconvenience. --- 1202-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle who was so clean > that he was not even seen: > > Keep it in your pants and no one gets hurt. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The last Official Act of President Bill Clinton was to carve an } ironic warning in to the top of the Kennedy Desk in the Oval } Office. --- 1202-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Open Sesame! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Were you raised in a barn? Close the secret door behind you! --- 1202-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where has my muse gone? Must I be cursed forever to submitting askmes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Muse abuse, it's more common than you think. } } Do you do engage in any of following? } } + Look for double entendres CONSTANTLY } + Think up replies to rhetorical questions asked by commercials } + Think up 'better' rewordings of dirty jokes? } + Add 'punny' remarks to cascades in newsgroups? } } If you answered yes to any of the above you may be guilty of Muse } Abuse. } } Your muse is there to help you be creative, to add the spark of genius } to ideas, to help you enthrall others with insights. It is not a tool } of crassness and potty humor! } } Help is available: Call 555-5555-555-55-555-555-5 ext.5 } } Muse Abuse is just plain old Wrong.