From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Apr 29 06:44:07 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id GAA13228; Thu, 29 Apr 1999 06:44:07 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 06:44:07 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199904291144.GAA13228@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1091 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1091 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1091 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 06:44:07 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1091 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1086 72 votes 2ilm9 2cplc 08lte 19isg 9skc3 6brhb 27mqf 5chik 8hjfd 8bpl7 1086 3.3 mean 3.2 3.4 3.7 3.7 2.6 3.2 3.6 3.5 3.1 3.1 --- 1091-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I mortify myself before you; I abase myself before your feet; I > crush my left big toe between two large bricks in honor of your wisdom; > I punch myself in the nose in recognition of your... well, you get the > idea. > > Please, O Mighty Oracle, please tell me: What job will I manage to get? > Also, will my dream last night of three naked undergraduates walking > across the campus of Wake Forest University and showing up at my > apartment for an evening of uninhibited sexual relations really going > to happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, miserable supplicant... are you in for a surprise! } } For starters, from your grovel it is obvious that you are leaning } toward a job either as a crash-test dummy, or a sparring partner for } Mike Tyson. } } Oh, and the dream... Well, for that to happen at good ol' Babdist U., } it would have to be a dream... look at the facts: naked, at night, in } Winston-Salem = cold. I notice you didn't specify gender... WFU is } pretty balanced, so one male, one female, one to-be-named-later. Yes, } now it's clear how that will happen... } --- } } Supplicant sits at computer, types supplication, smashes toe, punches } self in face, can't stand the pain and passes out. Comes to 10 } minutes later and drives self to the emergency room. The wait at WFU } medical center is up to 4 hours now, it's Friday, with a full moon, } you can imagine the rest. } } Meanwhile, trio of naked undergraduates crosses campus, knocks } on supplicant's apartment door -- no answer. They enter apartment } anyway, have evening of uninhibited sexual relations, trash apartment, } then leave. It's cold, so they run. Campus cops trailed the trio } from supplicant's apartment, then called for backup when they started } to run away. Winston-Salem police and Forsyth county sheriff's } deputies arrive in time to trail the trio to a (presumed) stolen car } [really, they just wanted the heater], to a Handy Pantry robbery } [honest, they just wanted some coffee, but they left their wallets } with their clothes], then a high speed chase into Davidson County. } The nation's most infamous sheriff sets up a roadblock and the trio } obliterate themselves in a fiery crash. } } Meanwhile, the supplicant, with bandaged foot and nose, is discharged. } Unable to drive, he/she takes a taxi. $75 for a 7-mile drive, but } it's Friday, and a full moon! Arrives home to find broken door, } trashed apartment, reek of pheromones... and police detectives. } Supplicant is arrested for whatever the police figure will stick. } Picture on the front page of the Winston-Salem Journal, lead story } on the 11:00 news, [even before the Super Doppler Weather Forecast!] } and the condemnation of the Mayor and City Council ["This moral } outrage is just as bad as a Marilyn Manson concert"]. } } Supplicant drops out of school, takes a job at the Handy Pantry 4PM } to midnight, selling beer to former classmates and "moonlighting" } as a lab test animal at the medical school by day. } --- } } So, supplicant, if I may make a suggestion, drop the bricks (no, not on } your foot!). Stay at home and barricade the door. Just curl up with } a good book and ignore anyone at the door. Pretty soon you'll have } a spouse, 2.1 kids, 1.3 pets, and 6-figure salary. True, you won't } have the night of uninhibited sex, but a lifetime of the inhibited } sort is preferable to the Handy Pantry. Good luck. } } Oh, and you owe the Oracle [incarnated as rhampson@wfubmc.edu] to } watch the 11:00 news. --- 1091-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is pro wrestling like a chess match? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nobody with a real life watches either of them. } } You owe the Oracle a rimshot. --- 1091-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, dear Oracle... > > In my life, I've been shot at and missed, shot at and hit, stabbed, > burned, half-drowned and nearly snake-bit (once by a cottonmouth and > another time by a diamond-back rattlesnake). > > I've seen a great grey owl and watched an ermine chase a mouse over the > frozen snow. Once, at 2:00 in the morning, I danced under the northern > lights in Churchill, Manitoba. > > I've been lied to, lied about and lied for. I've had good friends, bad > friends and best friends. I've been a son, a brother, a husband and a > father. I've been an archaeologist, a marine, a librarian and a > businessman. I've been rich, I've been poor and I've been > flat-on-my-butt broke. > > My great-grandfather fought in the Great War, my grandfather fought the > Klan, my father fought the communists and, once, I fought a black bear > (I lost). > > I've been in cathedrals, museums, some of the greatest libraries in the > world and, one time, I was even in a topless bar in the French Quarter > of New Orleans. > > I've eaten sushi in Tokyo, potato soup in West German inns and steak on > the U.S.S. United States. I've been in storms in the Bering Sea and saw > the most magnificent thunderstorm in my life in the Badlands of South > Dakota. > > I've seen cat fights, dog fights, squirrel fights and even an alligator > fight. I was even in a bar fight in a seedy lumberjack bar in southern > Oregon (it wasn't that much fun). > > I've read books, written books, borrowed books, bought books, sold > books and lost books. > > A lot of people think that life is a straight line from point "A" to > point "B". Personally, I don't see it that way. I've zigged and zagged > all my life. I probably always will. > > As strange as it sounds, with all the very strange things that have > happened to me, and despite all odds, I can't wait to see what God has > planned for me tomorrow morning. > > So, please, don't worry about me. It'll be fine. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, dear Supplicant... } } In my life, I've been shot on film, shot on video, stabbed with a } pencil, burned by the sun, held my breath for two minutes underwater, } and bit by a disagreeable hamster. } } I've seen someone dressed in a Woodsy Owl suit and watched police cars } chase a Ford Bronco over the L.A. freeways. Once, at 2:00 in the } morning, I danced under the incandescent lights in my college dorm's } lounge. } } I've lain in bed a lot. I watch "Friends" every Thursday night. I've } been an incarnation of the Oracle. I get a lot of preapproved credit } card applications. } } Once, I fought the urge to eat an entire 8-ounce block of extra sharp } cheddar cheese (I lost). } } I've been in airports, train stations, some of the most depressing bus } depots in the Midwest and, once, I was even in the same men's room as } Jerry Springer. } } I've eaten McDonald's in London, I've eaten McDonald's in Stockholm and } McDonald's on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. I've been in storms in } science museums where you can get in a room and pretend to be in a } storm. } } I've seen HBO and Showtime rebroadcasts of heavyweight fights (they } weren't that much fun). } } As far as I know, the computer system at the Tampa, Florida, public } library thinks I've had a book out since 1988. } } A lot of people think that life is a straight line from point "A" to } point "B". Personally, I don't see it that way. I've passed points } "B" and "C" already and am nearing "D". } } As strange as it sounds, with all the dullness and boredom that has } happened to me, I'm planning on getting up tomorrow morning and going } to work, then going out with a couple of friends to see a band play. } } So, please, don't worry about me either. I may not have seen and done } anywhere near as much as you, but it'll be fine. --- 1091-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many people will show a romantic interest in me before graduation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before graduation? Wasn't Monica young enough? --- 1091-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, in comparison with whom, all the bright colours of > the rainbow are as the grey monotone of a December day, pray tell me, > worthless as I am, nay, as worthless as the fluff in a worm's armpit, > pray tell me, Exactly what colour is Tinky-Winky. Blue or Purple ? > It's beyond me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm...I have to admit, I don't get down to Teletubby Land too often. } Let's take a look, shall we? } --------------------------------------------------------- } } NARRATOR: One day in Teletubby land, Tinky-Winky met a strange, } omnipotent being. } } TINKY WINKY: Heh-Oh, stange ommipote't bean! } } PO: Oooooh! Stange ommipote't bean! *giggle* } } ORACLE: Hello, teletubbies. I've come to observe Tinky Winky. } } TINKY WINKY: Observe! Observe! } } OTHER TELETUBBIES: Observe! Observe! } } NARRATOR: Teletubbies like to be observed. The Teletubbies think the } strange, omnipotent being is NICE. } } TINKY WINKY: Big hug! Big hug! } } OTHER TELETUBBIES: Big hug! Big hug! } } ORACLE [backing away]: No, really, I don't like to be hugged. } } TINKY WINKY: Oooooh! Big, sexy, ommipote't bean need a hug! } } OTHER TELETUBBIES: Hug! Hug! } } NARRATOR: The Teletubbies love each other very much. The Teletubbies } love the strange, omnipotent being, too. ESPECIALLY Tinky Winky. } } TINKY WINKY: Big, stong ommipote't bean go undah the hill and p'ay with } Tinky Winky? } } [A speaker rises from the ground.] } } SPEAKER: Time for Tubbie Bye-bye! Time for Tubbie Bye-bye! } } TELETUBBIES: Awww. Bye-bye stange ommipote't bean! } } TINKY WINKY: Bye-bye yummy hunk of man'iness! } } NARRATOR: The sun is setting in the sky. Teletubbies wave goodbye. } } TINKY WINKY: Bye-bye! } } DIPSY: Bye-bye! } } LAA-LAA: Bye-bye! } } PO: Bye-bye! } } [Closing Music. Exit Teletubby Land] } } --------------------------------------------------------- } Based on rather close observation, I'd have to say that Tinky Winky is } Purple on the outside, but he has a rainbow soul. } } You owe the Oracle an 8x10 glossy of Jerry Fallwell in leather. --- 1091-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who knows both the hour of the end of the world and the > two minutes of the ending of "Citizen Kane," bequeath your infinite > knowledge on me: > > 1. Why are trolls called "trolls?" > > 2. Why do they post all of that crap? > > 3. What would happen if I said "You are all glory grabbers who watch > Star Trek and go to conventions... and meat mick spock!!!!!!!"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > 1. Why are trolls called "trolls?" } } trolls are called trolls because most of them exceptionally tall and } lanky, or short and stout, are located in Scandinavia, and usually } live hidden away in caves with Internet access. Hence fitting the } definition in the dictionary: a dwarf or giant in Scandinavian folklore } inhabiting caves or hills } } > 2. Why do they post all of that crap? } } If you were an exceptionally ugly giant or dwarf living in a Cave in } Scandinavia what the heck would you do with your time Fabio? } } > 3. What would happen if I said "You are all glory grabbers who watch } > Star Trek and go to conventions... and meat mick spock!!!!!!!"? } } You of course realize these Trolls are millionaries, because they } hack for several hours a day. They will immediately revoke all of } your credit cards, your parents credit cards, your siblings credit } cards, have the ATF, FBI, and IRS simultaneously raid your house, } steal your girlfriend, make your breath smell, blow up your computer, } frame you for trading child pornography, and generally make your life } suck forever. } } Other than that they are extremely plesant to deal with... } } You owe the oracle a set of breath mints, which we will gladly return } to you if you'd only use them. --- 1091-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of the most interesting life, > > Ok, I get that you can't tell if the cat is dead or not, but how do you > know if it's even in the box in the first place? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Oracle] Zadoc! } } [Zadoc] Yes, your immense spiffiness? } } [Oracle] (looks at Zadoc) Hmmph. Good one. } } [Zadoc] Thank you, Captain Fantastic. } } [Oracle] (puzzled) "Captain Fantastic?" } } [Zadoc] (cringing) Not so good? } } [Oracle] Remind me to *Zot* you later. Get Heisenberg on the horn. } } [Zadoc] (dialing) Right away, oh scrumptiously delicious one! } } [Oracle] *glare* } } [Zadoc] Here he is sir. } } [Oracle] (taking phone) Werner! How are you, big guy? } } [Heisenberg] Orrie? } } [Oracle] The One and Only! Say, Werner, could you explain that cat in } the box deal again to this supplicant? } } > Ok, I get that you can't tell if the cat is dead or not, but how } > do you know if it's even in the box in the first place? } } [Heisenberg] Ah, jeez. . . Look, Orrie, do you have any idea how many } times I've explained this? It's getting boring already! I have other } interests, you know. } } [Oracle] Uh. . . like what? } } [Heisenberg] Like anything not having to do with quantum mechanics! } Cripes! I rollerblade! Did you know that? } } [Oracle] Um, no. Sorry. } } [Heisenberg] Yup! I also watch "Ally McBeal!" I love making pizza! When } was the last time you invited me over to play cards? } } [Oracle] (defensively) Just last week! } } [Heisenberg] What I *meant* to say was, "When was the last time you } invited me over to play cards without asking me in the middle of } the first hand to explain my uncertainty principle to a roomful of } drooling idiots?" Don't call me anymore Orrie! Goodbye! *CLICK!* } } [Oracle] Dang! Nobel Prize-winning mathematicians sure are a cranky } lot! Well, supplicant, if it were me, I'd shake the box. } } You owe the Oracle a portrait of Calista Flockheart wrapped in a fog } of probabilities. --- 1091-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Kingly in nature is the Oracle, > > How can I tell if I am a pawn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Move two steps forward, NOW! } } Nuff said. --- 1091-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Sir/Madam, > > I have long had an intense interest in ham radio. One of my friends, a > Jewish man by extraction, has also recently expressed an interest. > However, out of respect for his beliefs, before I introduce him to the > deeper mysteries and delights of the longer electromagnetic wavelengths > I must ask you: is ham radio kosher? > > Yours etc, > Deeply Concerned. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your friend is Jewish by extraction? I would have thought that the } doctor would have extracted him by clasping the forceps onto something } less likely to tear off. } } But I digress... } } Ham Radio is of course kosher. You can prove this by observing the } average age and marital status of Ham Radio nuts. Nearly all of them } have been passed over. } } You owe The Oracle some pareve ice-cream substitute that doesn't taste } like iced water. --- 1091-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knows what will be, > > What will happen in the nineteenth century? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I really got to do something about speeding up the queue.