From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Apr 21 08:07:26 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id IAA07522; Wed, 21 Apr 1999 08:07:26 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 08:07:26 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199904211307.IAA07522@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1089 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1089 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1089 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 08:07:26 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1089 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1084 76 votes hon84 bfjm9 8iqh7 lkke1 7jgnb 29pv9 5zke2 7hql5 etia5 afogb 1084 2.9 mean 2.4 3.0 3.0 2.4 3.2 3.5 2.6 3.0 2.5 3.0 --- 1089-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, oh mighty Oracle, I think _this_ deserves some sort of explanation! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly, it's a simple method of signifying emphasis in plain ASCII } text, without resorting to HTML rendering, as is *that*. } } You owe the Oracle a synaesthetic response. --- 1089-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most Wise, I would like to know ... > Wich is the best place (or the best country) to live in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's exactly right, Supplicant. } } The Socialist Republic of Wich, or 'Wich' for short, is indeed the best } country to live in -- at least, according to their own Ministry of } Propaganda and Public Executions. } } Among the hundreds of benefits they hold forth to life in Wich, we see } the following: } } CLEAN AIR } ================ } As a side effect of storing millions of tons of atomic and chemical } waste for a number of Western countries, we see an almost completely } germ-free atmosphere. The last microbe apparently died ten years } ago, with the last citizen born without some kind of genetic defect. } The Ministry of Health and Public Flogging recommends, however, that } you don't inhale the air outside without a gas mask. Clean though } it is, it will not be actually breathable for some sixty-four years } or so. Bottled oxygen can be found at discount rate in any Wichian } department store. } } NO CRIME } ================ } Abolishing all laws has proven beneficial on a number of levels. } The crime rate went down to zero practically overnight, as there was no } possible way of breaking a non-existant law. Other benefits include: } cheaper drugs, cheaper ammo, cheaper food (if you take care to steal } it instead of paying for it -- I mean, the'res no law against it or } anything), and no Johnnie Cochran weasels getting rich on criminals. } Those citizens who make it home alive at the end of the day (the } barrage of gunfire in the street can be a trifle perilous) with } their loot, loudly thank the wise and witty government for making } everybody's life easier. OR ELSE! } } LOW TAXES } ================ } The steady devaluation of their local currency, the Zgroty, has } proven beneficial. The Zgroty hit the bottom mark of $0.00 just } last year, effectively becoming cheaper than dirt. However steep the } government make the income taxes, nobody suffers. 90% of nothing is, } well, nothing. } } CHEAP PRICES } ================ } The revolutionary changes in the legal system and the effectively } worthless Zgroty collaborate to make living in Wich very cheap. } It doesn't matter if you pay 90 million Zgroty for a loaf of bread, or } rob the local store out of it with your rifle or bludgeon. You will } not be any poorer any which way you choose. It is at any rate a } totally academic issue, since no Wichian stores have any products to } sell anymore. } } HEALTH CARE } ================ } The health care system of Wich is the best in the World, according to } the Ministry of Health and Public Flogging. Nobody gets sick around } there, as those who do are immediately put to death by government } firing squads. Nevertheless, the hospitals are fully equipped should } any citizen happen to come down with the sniffles. Ammo is cheap, } remember? } } CULTURE } ================ } Wichian culture is rich with fascinating events and happenings. } Among the thing you'll see are: } -- DUNG SCULPTURE, which is a local art form practised by the } horses and donkeys of Wich. The Ministry of Art, Culture, and } Intimidation claims that these natural artists invented the concept } of 'non-figurative art'. The famous dung sculptures which can be seen } to adorn any country roadside, admittedly have no discernable shape } or form resembling anything man-made. } -- PROFESSIONAL LOOTING is the national sport, and practised by } millions of citizens. This is a very exciting spectator sport, } especially if your home is suddenly chosen as a playground. } Steel helmets and Kevlar vests are warmly recommended for tourists } who wish to attend the festivities. } -- BEGGING is another popular national pastime, and the friendly } people of Wich are happy to perform this particular form of artistic } expression for your personal benefit. Women and children will wail } persuasively and incessantly until your generosity is sufficiently } awakened -- and it will be, especially since the majority of them } are also armed with Kalashnikovs. } } BEAUTIFUL SCENERY } ================ } Wich has some of the most breath-takingly gorgeous vistas of the Earth, } according to the Ministry Of Internal Affairs and Assassinations. } The public television of Wich always broadcasts imagery of green } pastures, snow-white mountains and lush, ripe forests. This imagery } can be purchased in the form of postcards -- incidentally, the exact } same postcards broadcast by the national television. The beautiful } motives were shot in Switzerland. The citizens of Wich often dream } of someday going there, and seeing for themselves how trees used to } look like back home, before atomic pollution rendered 98 percent of } the Wichian countryside barren. } } No citizen of Wich has yet actually left the country, however, since } the borders are heavily protected by mine fields, high-voltage fences, } and armed patrols. Says Enver Zhitodenkskij, Minister of Police and } White Slavery, "It is important to guard the borders vigilantly. } Otherwise our neighboring countries might be tempted to invade } us and steal all our valuable atomic waste. Why would you want to } leave anyway? May I see your papers? You look like a dissident." } } Well, Supplicant, there you have it. Welcome to Wich, the best country } to live in. It's so fantastic, you'll never leave alive. } } You owe the Oracle a vacation to... somewhere else. Fresno sounds good. --- 1089-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Heya, omniscient-type dude. > > I've chatting with your various incarnations, and yeah -- it's fun. But > sometimes... man, you get some idiots in there! How can I make sure the > person who gets my mail doesn't give me a serious answer? Oh, and it'd > be nice if they didn't quote back my question when they replied... > > So is there a secret code I can put in the Subject: line or something, > to make sure my question only gets to people who are at least > semi-clueful? Thanks, Orrie -- I knew I could count on you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What's this? You want a serious answer to your question "How can I make } sure I don't get a serious answer"? Are you trying to trap the Oracle, } you creepy little supplicant person you? Well, I'll fix your little red } wagon. } } ALARM! ALARM! Calling the Paradox Police! } } PARADOX POLICE REPORTING, SAH! } } Oracle: Thank you for coming so promptly. Now ... } } Kurt: Actually, we're not the Paradox Police and we're not reporting. } } Wolfie: But please bear in mind that my partner lies all the time. } } Kurt: I do not! } } Wolfie: Whereas I lie exactly 50% of the time. We are the Paradox } Police, but we're not reporting. } } Kurt: Ah, but hang on, you just made three statements. If you lie } exactly 50% of the time, one must be a half-truth. } } Wolfie: I did not make three statements. } } Kurt: Did too! } } Wolfie: Did not! You said I did, so I can't have done. } } Kurt: Bummer! Caught out again. } } Oracle: If I might interrupt this fascinating discourse ... } } Kurt: Wait, I've got it. You did say we weren't the Paradox Police, } didn't you? } } Wolfie: Correct - I said we were. } } Kurt: And that we definitely were reporting. } } Wolfie: No, I said we were, but I'm lying now. } } Kurt: Therefore, logically, your statement about lying exactly 50% } of the time ... } } Wolfie: ... Could have been a lie. } } Kurt: Damn! } } Oracle: Gentlemen ... } } Kurt: Okay, this one's really going to work. You definitely lie } sometimes. } } Wolfie: I am obliged to tell the truth for an undisclosed part of the } time, I'll grant you that. } } Kurt: So if I were to ask you if we're the Paradox Police, and then I } repeat your answer verbatim ... } } Wolfie: Ah, I can see where this is heading ... } } Kurt: ... Then I can force you into being a full-time liar, like I am } not! Ahah! Gotcha, ya little squirt! } } Wolfie: Not necessarily ... } } Kurt: Have too! Have too! Admit it! } } Wolfie: ... Since this scenario would require you to be telling the } truth when you say you're going to repeat everything I say. } } Kurt: Damn! Blast! I hate you! } } Wolfie: He loves me really. } } Oracle: Yes thank you, gentlemen, I am truly enjoying your double act } and at least one of these statements is false. Now, could you } turn your attention to this email from a supplicant? } } Wolfie: Certainly! Could you repeat it for us? } } Oracle: That's a very tempting suggestion, but just read it for now. } } Kurt: Sure thing! There's nothing I like better than reading } paradoxical email messages ... } } Wolfie: ... Unless it be a ham sandwich ... } } Kurt: ... Because, obviously, a ham sandwich is better than nothing. } Hmm, this is a nasty one ... } } Wolfie: Is there such a secret code, by the way? } } Oracle: Yes, but I can't tell it to you, otherwise it wouldn't be } secret. } } Wolfie: There are no flies on you. } } Kurt: Nobody's smarter than the Oracle. } } Wolfie: Good point! Well, Sir, there's your solution. } } Oracle: What? } } Wolfie: The supplicant shouldn't be asking you, he should ask nobody, } since nobody is a higher authority than yourself. } } Oracle: You mean, like, he should ask his question in an empty room? } } Kurt: Exactly. Or he could ask Al Gore, who's a nobody in my book. } } Oracle: Sounds good to me. But isn't some kind of punishment in order? } He did try to trap me, after all. } } Kurt: Absolutely not! } } Wolfie: As my partner says, absolutely! } } Oracle: How about if I ZOT him on some day between today and Saturday } next, but don't tell him which day so it'll come as a surprise? } } Kurt: Ah no, that won't work. } } Oracle: It won't? } } Kurt: No. Everybody thinks there's no paradox there, but in fact } there is. } } Wolfie: Hang on, if everybody thinks there's no paradox, then you do } too. } } Kurt: Good point. Okay, everybody thinks there's no paradox there, } but Al Gore knows there is. Because, as Al Gore will tell you, } if Saturday arrives and the supplicant still hasn't been } ZOTted, he'll be expecting it then and it won't be a surprise. } } Wolfie: Therefore he knows you won't ZOT him Saturday, so Friday is the } last day you can ZOT him and surprise him. } } Kurt: But when Friday arrives and he still hasn't been ZOTted ... } } Wolfie: You can see the problem, can't you? There's no way you can ZOT } him at any time and surprise him. } } Kurt: So he's perfectly safe. } } <<<<<<<< ZOT! >>>>>>>> } } Oracle: What do you think? Was he surprised? } } Wolfie: Absolutely. } } Kurt: Not in the least. } } Wolfie: Oh, shut up. } } Kurt: Ham sandwich, anyone? --- 1089-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and always-on-topic Oracle, how can we get people on email > mailing lists to stop posting off-topic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I saw a movie the other day called "Enter the Dragon." It starred Bruce } Lee, who was doing some serious kung fu. I counted at least four groin } injuries. A classic, definitely one to see. } } Well, so much for being on topic. Getting back to your question, I can } see six possible solutions: } 1. Kill them. } 2. Nuke them. } 3. Kindly discourage them, or ask them nicely to please stop. } 4. Ask the list administrator to be harsher with off-topic posters. } 5. Just igmore them; maybe they'll go away. } 6. Live with it. } } All of these solutions, however, present problems: } 1. This is illegal. } 2. Not only is this illegal, but it kills innocent bystanders in } addition to the off-topic posters. } 3. This will probably only make them post more. } 4. If the problem persists, chances are, the list has no administrator, } or at least not one who gives a darn. } 5. They will probably not go away, especially if they are trolls. } 6. You seem unable to live with it, which is the reason you are seeking } my infinite wisdom. } } So, unfortunately, loyal supplicant, for lack of better words, you're } screwed. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. } } You owe the Oracle a 16mm print of "Enter the Dragon" and a projector } which shall be used to view the film. --- 1089-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most defect-free, do you offer an extended warranty? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why certainly! There seems to be a little reluctance to take it up, } but I can assure you it's worth your while. } } Of course your basic warranty covers you for your answer being } hysterically funny for a standard period - which usually runs out } just before the priest sees it. Isn't that always the way? } } With the _Silver_ Extended Warranty, it's funny even after the Priest } has read it, reread it, filed it, taken it back out, read it some } more, ummed and ahhed and finally decided to digest it. A good choice } for those seeking advancements in a statistical way, I'm sure you } agree. } } With the _Gold_ Extended Warranty, it's funny even after the digest } has been sent out. I think you can see how this might improve your } chances of getting good votes. } } With the _Platinum_ Extended Warranty, we _guarantee_ that your answer } will be funny until the end of time, or until an unrecoverable crash } of the Oracular Archives, whichever comes first. It will make a } modified appearance in a talkshow host's monologue. It will be used as } an example of modern comedy in at least 4 college classes. It will } start a thread on rec.humor.oracle.d that will continue for at least } three months in some form or another (not much of an achievement, I } admit, but it's all part of the package). } } What's that? You'll take the Silver? An excellent choice for the cost- } conscious consumer. I'm sure you'll appreciate the feeling of security } this will bring. } } You owe the Oracle $799.95 payable in 4 easy weekly installments of } $201.07. --- 1089-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle wiser than the shiniest new wise person in the show room. > Please tell me > > If I hum a happy tune will it keep the dreadful monster that follows > me as I walk home each night from eating me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends on what kind of happy tune it is. I recommend something } like this: } } O, I am so glad } Because I taste so bad, } And if you try to scarf me, } I know that soon you'll barf me, } And that will make you very very sad. } } It isn't just a question } Of a little indigestion. } You won't be merely feeling slighly queer. } There'll be no panacea } To cure your diarrhea. } You'll be incapacitated for a year. } } You owe the Oracle music composed for these lyrics. } } * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * } * * * * * * * * * * * * * * } This is my sig. It doesn't tell you my name or anything } else about me, but it is distinctive enough that you can } recognize it if you have seen it before, allowing you to } make reference to any questions and answers you have } previously exchanged with me. --- 1089-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What price glory? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Burpee Seed Catalog } } Morning Glory - blue. Areas 2,3 & 4. ................ $ .49/packet. } } You owe the Oracle a shrubbery. --- 1089-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Suction. > > Scalpel. > > Clamp. > > Tweezers. > > Axe. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All right, Dr. Kevoakian, you've played Tree Surgeon of Death long } enough. We tried to get yew to turn over a new leaf, but now you've } lost your poplar support and really made an ash of yourself. We're } going to take you down to cedar warden and let hemlock you up fir good. } Go ahead, pine away, you sap-sucking son of a birch. } } You owe the Oracle root privileges. --- 1089-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o great seer of all knowledge, > > what happens if you stand on your head to long? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that depends on what it is you long for... } } If you're longing for a head rush followed by some dizziness, } then standing on your head is a great way to start. } } If you're longing for that pretty girl in accounting to notice } you, standing on your head in the hallway by her cubicle will } probably do the trick. Standing on your head to long for her } to go out with you, however, will probably be met with failure. } } Standing on your head to long for a big lottery winning is, } again, counter-productive. It's quite a trick to get to the } store and buy a ticket whilst standing on one's head. } } If you're longing for anything Australian, then by all means } stand on your head to long. It'll put you more "in tune" with } everything Oz, and you'll have the added advantage of not } having to worry about falling off the planet. Unless, of } course, you're already Australian (or Kiwi, or Fijian, etc.), } in which case you're already "standing on your head", unless } you're actually standing on your head, in which case you're } right-side-up and this discussion is irrelevant. Which, } really, it is anyway. } } Standing on your head to long for fame and fortune is a bit } of a longshot, I'm afraid. You might get some local } notoriety, and perhaps a spot on "The Late Show with David } Letterman" if you can stand on your head long enough, but } your fame will be minor and fleeting at best, and there will } be no fortune. In fact, Letterman might even make you pay } your own way to New York, the cheap bastard. } } I guess we can conclude from this discussion that nothing } really worth longing for will probably happen if you stand on } your head to long. Well, except that dizziness thing... wheeee! } } You owe the cheeky Oracle a smack in the head with a to by for. --- 1089-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ohhhhh oracle.... amazing one: > > 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8....... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Continuing numerical sequences such as the one defined can often be } difficult, but the analysis can be greatly simplified by the use of } the well-known Gesamt-Stierdung Theorem [GST98]. Here, let me } demonstrate: } } First, we convert each integer to trinary notation, as follows: } } 1 -> 1 } 2 -> 2 } 3 -> 10 } 4 -> 11 } 5 -> 12 } 6 -> 20 } 7 -> 21 } 8 -> 22 } } Now, we sum the, er, tits, of each integer, and convert back to } decimal, giving: } } 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 2, 3, 4 . . . } } We then apply Clobberschmidt's Congruence, namely: } } 1 = 2 (For certain values of 2) } } Giving: } } 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 1, 3, 4 . . . } } It is now trivial to prove that the following formula will give us the } correct result: } } n } ---- W } \ S_i + D } > ----------- * F (mod P) } / (i+4)! } ---- } i=1 } } Where: } S is the sequence defined above, } n is the number of items in the sequence, } W is the Marmotal Dislocation Constant, defined in [ORA04], and } P, F, and D are defined elsewhere. } } So, as you [GUM90] can clearly see, the next item in the defined } sequence should be ... five. No, three. Easy, isn't it? } } References: [GST98] Gesamt, D., and Stierdung, A. } "Nichtvorhandenereferenz", Berlin Journal of } Mathematics, Vol 4, No 5. (1698), pp. 4-8. } [ORA04] Oracle, T. U. "Improved M. Monax and H. Sapien } Carbonization Techniques", Eden Journal of Applied } Omniscience, Vol 1., No 1. (4004 BC), pp. 104-120. } [GUM90] Gump, F. "On the Recursive Applicability of } Traditional Cognitive Terminology," Alabama } Journal of Neurology, Vol. 90, No. 1, (1990) p. 4. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to keep _Social Text_ from getting a copy } of this.