From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Apr 13 09:40:23 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id JAA28979; Tue, 13 Apr 1999 09:40:23 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 09:40:23 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199904131440.JAA28979@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1088 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1088 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1088 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 09:40:23 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1088 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1083 70 votes 8lrb3 49or6 eom91 59rib 8irf2 4bemj 4gnk7 5fjid auo51 nhg68 1083 2.9 mean 2.7 3.3 2.4 3.3 2.8 3.6 3.1 3.3 2.4 2.4 --- 1088-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When is Super Model Heidi Klum going to ask me to marry her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heh heh heh... that'll be the day. } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } | TOP STORIES | ### ## ##### ## ## ## ####### | } | --- ------- | #### ## ## ## ## ## ## | } | | ## ## ## #### ## ## ## ####### | } | POPE REPORTS: | ## #### ## ######## ## | } | HELL IS | ## ### ##### ###### ####### | } | COOLING DOWN! |------------------------------------------------------| } | Story, A1 | | } | | MASS FLYING PIG SIGHTING IN WASHINGTON, D.C. | } | DAN QUAYLE | | } | WINS LANDSLIDE| Thousands of people claim to have a seen a pig | } | PRESIDENTIAL | soaring over Washington D.C. on Monday. | } | ELECTION | | } | Story, A2 | "We estimate that the pig flew between 500 and 800 | } | | feet above the ground," said Lionel Dean of the D.C. | } | O.J. SIMPSON | Park Service. "It flew over Washington for a period | } | CONFESSES | of about 15 minutes before heading out over the At- | } | Story, A4 | lantic Ocean. We believe it was a boar, and it ap- | } | | parently had wings. Other than that no one was able | } | KLUM: WILL | to make a positive I.D. on the pig. It could be my | } | SHE MARRY? | pig, it could be anybody's pig." | } | Story, A1 | | } |---------------+ "Unbelievable. [Expletive] unbelievable." This was | } | the reaction of Darren Lytefoot, 26, a Washington resident. "I was | } | just chilling out on the mall, you know, and I looked up and there | } | was this pig up there in the sky. So of course I thought I was | } | having, like, an acid flashback... but when it didn't mutate into a | } | giant lizard or anything then I knew it had to be real." | } | | } | Skeptics have long dismissed reports of flying-pig sightings as the | } | work of cranks and crackpots. But Monday's event was witnessed by | } | about 10,000 people in D.C., according to a Park Service estimate. | } | In fact, one of those spectators was president-elect J. Danforth | } | Quayle. | } | | } | "It was incredible," said Quayle to a bustling crowd of reporters at | } | a press conference held the day after the event. "Most incredible of| } | all because it happened here, right here, in our capital's nation, | } | and I was able to see it all from the White House lawn. When our | } | children look back at tomorrow, uh, back from tomorrow, I only hope | } | that they will see this flying-pig event as it occured today, or | } | yesterday, and remember that it happened right here, on my lawn." | } | | } | Some have spectulated that this new trend could spell doom for the | } | ham industry, however. | } | | } | POPE REPORTS: HELL IS COOLING OFF | } | | } | Pope John Paul III shocked the Catholic world when he announced on | } | Monday that hell is, in fact, cooling off. The Pope's report con- | } | cluded that hell's temperature, estimated at a torturous 1100 degrees| } | during biblical times, has since decreased to a nearly-tolerable 215 | } | degrees. | } | | } | "I'm as surprised as anyone," remarked Richard Boyer, a pastor at | } | Third Presbyterian Church in Norfolk, Virginia. "I couldn't believe | } | it when I first heard. No more fire and brimstone? No more flaming | } | torment? If people start to think of eternal damnation like an | } | extended vacation in Barbados, we're all in for trouble." | } | | } | The Pope held a conference on Wednesday to try to quell the public | } | uncertainty that followed his announcement. | } | | } | "There are processes at work here that we're only just beginning to | } | understand," he explained. "To present a layman's example: most | } | people know that when a lot of people enter a cool room, the room | } | heats up. Well, the reverse happens when a lot of people enter an | } | area where the temperature is well above body temperature, as in the | } | passage of the sinful into the underworld. Of course, a single | } | damned soul hardly makes a difference, but when you're talking about | } | billions upon billions of banished humans over six millenia or so, | } | even the searing flames of hellfire begin to fade. This is one of | } | the many factors contributing to what we have dubbed the Netherworld | } | Cooling Effect." | } | | } | Regular church attendee Joyce Johnson, a retired supermarket worker, | } | expressed disappointment in reaction to the news. "215 degrees? | } | That's not enough to cook a steak! I've been going to church every | } | week for the last 76 years just to avoid a mild sunburn in the after-| } | life? What a crock!" | } | | } | In other news, _Playboy_ recently reported the highest sales in | } | company history. (See Story, A6) | } | | } | SUPERMODEL HEIDI KLUM ANNOUNCES MARRIAGE DECISION | } | | } | In a public announcement Tuesday, supermodel Heidi Klum reaffirmed | } | that, despite rumors to the contrary, she definitely will not marry | } | supplicant J. R. Quentin. | } | | } | Some of those present at the announcement said they were disappoint- | } | ed. Even though Klum has previously declined Quentin's long-standing| } | proposal of marriage, there was speculation that she might have | } | changed her mind. "I thought, 'Heidi and J.R.?'" said one spectator, | } | "hey, weirder things have happened." He paused. "On second thought,| } | maybe they haven't." | } | | } | The crowd was hushed as Klum solemnly explained that she has "does | } | not intend to marry J. R. Quentin, ever." | } | | } | "Now, I don't want people to start to think that I'm either frigid or| } | that I can't settle down," she continued. "I'm not opposed to | } | marriage. I just don't want to marry this one particular guy." | } | | } | "I've gotten letters from fans, most of them college-age males, I | } | think, who say, Heidi, why won't you marry him, he deserves a shot, | } | you have to look past physical appearance, don't be so shallow, and | } | so on and so on. Look, guys, I have nothing against short, balding | } | computer-science majors. But he's acne-ridden, he's overweight, he | } | drools, and he's addicted to some humor service on the Internet. I | } | mean, I don't want to have to compete with a computer for the atten- | } | tion of my husband, you know?" | } | | } | "And, added to that, he's just not very nice. Did you know--he never| } | even asked me IF we were going to get married, he just asked WHEN. | } | That's a little presumptuous, don't you think? And he happens to be | } | really bad at giving compliments. Well, actually, scratch that, he | } | COULD be really good at giving compliments, but I wouldn't know, | } | because he never gives any." | } | | } | "So, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the support and all | } | the advice my fans have given me, but I have no plans to marry him, | } | now or any time in the future." | } | | } | After leaving the room for a few minutes, Klum returned for one final| } | comment. | } | | } | "Oh, and I know I said it would be a cold day in hell when I would | } | marry J.R., but I was speaking figuratively." | } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ --- 1088-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU Thu Apr 8 00:34:16 1999 The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle for whom no grovel is truly sufficient, so I'll just cut to > the chase: > > Will Daylight Savings Time affect the Y2K problem (or vice versa)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE } } Microsoft Corporation } 1 Microsoft Way } Redmond, WA } } REDMOND - In a daring move to combat the pernicious effects of the } "Y2K" problem, Microsoft announces a new patch to its popular Windows } 98 and Windows NT operating system products. This service pack applies } a fix to the internal clock of the system, which will in October when } daylight savings time ends, automatically set the time back 867241 } hours instead of the usual 1 hour. } } "By cleverly tricking the system to think that it is October 1900," } said Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates, "we buy ourselves another 99 years } to fix any problems which might occur with the new millenium. And once } the problems have been identified and fixed, we can set the clocks } forward and no one will even notice the difference." } } He went on to point out that this was nearly 3 times as long as the } Unix and Linux operating systems internal clocks could deal with before } the end of the so-called "Unix Epoch" in 2038. "This service patch is } truly the end of the 'Unix Epoch'," joked Mr. Gates. } } Leading industry analyst, Bob Lickspittle says "This patch is truly a } masterstroke by the geniuses at Microsoft. There may be some compat- } ibility problems with other, inferior, operating systems. However I } expect that they will come to their senses shortly after the release } date and wholeheartedly accept the great wisdom and vast expertise } inherent in the change." } } Mr. Lickspittle adds "This innovative new technology demonstrates in } a concrete way the logic of Microsoft's brilliant strategy of 'Embrac- } ing and Extending' public standards to superior private Microsoft } standards. What could be more public than time standards? But look } at how Microsoft's new standard avoids the serious problems caused } by the haphazard construction of the public standard." } } "Expect to see Microsoft building on their success here. I hope to } see Redmond Mean Time be adopted as a universal standard in the near } future, along with Windows Weights and Measures (based on the popular } furlong/firkin/fortnight system), ActiveSpectrum Colors and MSDNA." } } Y2K expert, Andy Toady comments "I've been working on Y2K for 5 years } now, and no-one in the industry thought of such a devestatingly simple } and elegant solution as this. Quite frankly the entire Y2K community } has had it's breath taken away by this announcement." } } "However," cautions Mr. Toady, "we still have a lot of work to do to } solve the Y2K problem. While this has bought us a little breathing } room, it may not be enough." He adds that he expects a boom in Y2K } services for the next 90 years or more. } } "Myself and other industry leaders have thoroughly examined this new } software," said Mr. Toady. According to Mr. Toady, they are unanimous } in agreement, that in addition to the great social benefits of avert- } ing the Y2K problem, it will assist in education in the future and } help build the nation's transport infrastructure. "We all expect to } buy new Mercedes and put our children through college thanks to this } new patch." } } The service pack will be available for the entirely reasonable price } of $57.95 from all major software retailers, as well as by download } from www.microsoft.com using the Internet Explorer browser only. } } The release is scheduled for November 2nd, 1900. } } - Public Relations, Marketing and Assimilation Department } Microsoft } 1 Microsoft Way } Redmond, WA } } PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE --- 1088-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *yawn* Wow, am I tired! I think it's bedtime for me... Maybe I > should read a story before bed. Let's see, what've we got...? > Ah, here we are... "Little Red Rapping-in-the-'Hood", one of my > very favourite stories! > > Once upon a time... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yo, once upon a time, back in th' day yo dere was dis hottie right? } Called Red Riding, dat beyotch sure liked t' ride th' ponies. Anyhow } her man Tyrone got hisself in trouble, you know parole violation, three } strikes yo a habitual criminal. So he was like hittin' the weight pile } up in Chino tryin' to see just who has the power, the whites, the } blacks, or just the gun towers. } } So Red was feeling sorry since it was her shit he got sent up for, and } she calls him out the yard and says, "Oh baby I'm so hot for you." And } he is like, "Damn beyotch, you got to hook me up in here, I got to have } the motts yo." So Red scores some of the good shit and packs it up } mule-style and gets the f*** outta dodge. } } Well at some point she's down the hood, chillin' sipping cold 40s, } waiting till she can meet her man and hand over the shit and like up } comes this youngblood dressed like one o' them 70s pimps. And he steps } up and says, "Damn beyotch, you gotta quarter I gotta call my momma and } tell her I done met the woman o' my dreams." And Red is like not } having it and some of the bloods playin' pool is like looking up. "Who } the f*** are you to be talkin' to me like 'at?" she says. } } "Yo baby don't you even recognize you man, Tyrone?" } } "Oh yeah, you Tyrone allright. And I'm Vanna-f***in'-White." } } "Baby it ain't no thing, shoot you remember las' Summer when we was } kickin' it down at Long Beach, you know with Latetia and Jamal, and you } were all like pissed cuz Jamal snorted all your blow on the first day?" } } Red ran to him, "Tyrone!" But she was still a little suspicious. } } "Tyrone, yo what big eyes you have and shit." } } "Yo baby, the better to see how damn fine you is." } } "Tyrone, them is some knappy headed damn big cauliflower ears you got." } } "Yo baby, the better hear all your sweet sexy talk." } } "Tyrone. What about them scraggly ass teeth. Ain't you never seen a } dentist. What up with that?" } } Tyrone licked his lips, and dropped his eyes bashfully, "Yo baby ain't } nothing wrong with the tongue. All the better to eat you with, lover." } } But then Red knew it couldn't be Tyrone and she screamed. "Ah! You } ain't Tyrone! You ain't my man! Help!" } } Jus' then this big guy in a red cap leaps out and he is like all Paul } Bunyan and shit with an axe and gets George Washinton on that imposter } ass. And Red is so grateful she leaps up and hugs him, "Damn boy you } is my hero and shit." But Bunyan is not having it and he leaves and } says, "Talk to the hand beyotch." } } So Red is out in the street yelling after him, "You dumb cracker } motherf**er! You dis me? You gay? I know you must be gay if you give } up on my fine black ass! Yo get out of here you dumb gay } motherf**er!..." } } And everyone lived happily ever after, especially Agent Delaine of the } special anti-crime taskforce who'd been tailing Red and got her on one } count of accessory to murder, one count of transporting illegal } substances across state lines, and two counts of drug trafficking. } } You owe the Oracle a new mule. --- 1088-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This afternoon I woke up from one of my "spells" and I was lying naked > on the floor of my cubicle with shaving cream all over my body, a > pencil up my left nostril, Hi-Liter yellow eyeshadow, and a coffee mug > on my right foot. All my co-workers were gathered around staring at me. > > Like, what's up with that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Apparently, cheese danish has a rather intoxicating effect on you. The } spell you describe in your account lasted for approximately 5.78 hours } and happened in pretty much this order: } } 9:45am: You ate a cheese danish. Your first ever, in fact. You make a } comment to the effect of "this is pretty tasty...wonder why I've never } eaten one before." } } 9:46am: The hallucinations begin. The ghost of River Phoenix urges you } to have another danish. You comply. } } 9:48am: Alice, the office gossip, suggests that perhaps you should have } something to drink, that you don't look so hot. In retrospect, perhaps } a cheese danish soda wasn't the best choice. } } 9:56am: You run around the third floor with your head wrapped in toilet } paper shouting "I am quilted...I am quilted!!!" } } 10:15am: Stationary cabinet makeover. Dot offers to give you a tattoo } using a Sharpie and a few highlighters. You apply the Hi-Liter to your } eyelids and another part of your body that, for concerns of } tastefullness, shall remain private. } } 10:20am: You feel pretty. } } 11:12am: You get an urge to smear tuna fish all over yourself. } } 11:20am: You buy a case of Star-Kist. } } 11:30am: Back at the office, you smear the tuna all over your body and } walk up to Denise's desk on the fifth floor. You ask her if she'd like } to join you for dinner tonight. She responds with a smirk and says she } hopes you aren't planning on seafood. She says she's allergic to } seafood. } } 11:35am: Men's room. You strip off your tuna-covered suit and cover } yourself instead with whipped cream. } } 11:45am: Men's room again. Apparently, she can't have dairy either. } Think, Gruberman, think. } } 12:30pm: The cheese danish lunch you just had apparently isn't sitting } well. You feel nauseous. } } 12:32pm: Denise walks into your cubicle and apologizes for being so } rude. Before she can finish her apology, though, you throw up an } amalgam of cheese danish, cheese danish soda, and cheese danish } sandwich all over her new blouse, a part of the Cheryl Tiegs } Collection. Irate, she storms out of your cubicle. } } 12:33pm: You stick a #3 pencil up your nose. } } 12:45pm: Too hard, you replace the #3 with a #1 pencil. } } 12:55pm: Too soft, you find that the #2 feels just right. } } 1:00pm: Bob has filled a small, plastic wading pool with shaving cream. } He tapes a note on the edge that requests that no one jump in the } wading pool full of shaving cream. } } 1:30pm: Hiding under your desk, you discover a coffee mug you lost over } a year ago. Cool, you think, it fits pefectly on my right foot. You set } out in search of a mug for your left foot. } } 2:00pm: Wandering from cubicle to cubicle in search of a mug for your } left foot, you end up in Denise's cubicle. She's still pretty pissed, } so you turn to run, catching you shirt and pants on a small metal } protrusion on the edge of her cubicle wall. As you're running away your } clothing begins to unravel. What a lousy day to go commando, you think. } } 2:05pm: Back on the third floor, naked, an angry co-worker ten feet } behind you, you slip on some of that tuna fish juice and end up face } first in Bob's wading pool. } } 3:00pm: When you wake up, everyone is standing around you. Giggling. } } Advice: When you eventually find a new job, and it may take a while, } avoid cheese danish. } } You owe the Oracle a cheese danish; I mean, if you aren't eating yours, } that is. --- 1088-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When they told me I'd get a company car, I was excited. But the > company car turns out to be a 1990 Yugo with 200,000 miles on it. What > have I got myself into? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You lucky stiff! } } Yugos are sky-rocketing in price by the second. A Yugo ten years } from now will be worth its weight in RAM. } } No more Yugos will ever be made, NATO saw to that. Bombed the } living snot outta the last remaining Yugo factory, which is } good. What if NATO *hadn't* bombed that factory? Can you imagine } what would have happened? Serb troops in Yugos would have over- } run America and Europe in days, not a pretty picture. But } you're safe now. Gosh those NATO leaders are clever. } } You owe the Oracle a photo of your carburetor. --- 1088-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If this is seen by the latest queue-draining slimeball, here's a new > hobby: go to ftp://ftp.cs.indiana.edu/pub/oracle, and download and > decompress every file there. Pay special attention to the filenames > that begin with 'best'. Don't come back until you've read *every* line. > Perhaps by then you'll have developed a sense of humor. Either that, > or you'll be so sick and tired of the Oracle you'll never send another > askme again. Either way, I'll be happy. > > If you're not the latest queue-draining slimeball, I apologise for > wasting your time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [SCENE: Three police cars and six policemen are stationed in an } otherwise empty parking lot next to a highway. A fourth police car } pulls up; the door opens, and Lieutenant Alfred Stone emerges.] } } Stone: "Alright, men. We've just received word that the infamous } queue-drainer has struck again! And this time we were able to tail } him back to where he lives. In about ten minutes we're gonna ambush } him and put him away for good." } } Stone: "Now, I don't know how much you've been told, but we got } a history with this guy. Real bad seed; rap sheet a mile long. } He started with hacking into the county's voice-mail and erasing all } the messages. Pretty soon he was stealing mail from the post office. } The bastard liked to write sick jokes at the bottom of letters and } send them back! We finally apprehended him after he toppled a line } of shoppers at a supermarket checkout. But he got away. 'Cause the } county jail has a wait-list, y'see. And once Mr. Q. D. got on it, } every prisoner on that list escaped, including him." } } "We're not gonna let him slip through our fingers again. Now let's } move in. But I warn you: this man can drain queue with the best } of them. He is capable of a level of annoyance, obnoxiousness } and tediousness that you may never have encountered before. } Prepare yourselves." } } [SCENE: Outside of a one-story house. Four policecars pull up, } surrounding the house.] } } [The policemen get out of their cars.] } } Stone: "Alright, are we ready? Gimmee that bullhorn." } } > Queue-drainer, we have you surrounded! } } } } } Argory: "Nothing. A null answer!" } } Stone: "He's in there. Don't you worry." } } > Queue-drainer, we know you're in there. Come out with your hands } > up! } } [Pause.] } } } I don't have any your-hands-up on me, maybe you should try next } } door. } } Harold: "Ohhhh... god, that was awful." } } Stone: "Easy, Harold! Don't let him get to you!" } } > There's no way out, queue-drainer. } } } wax elephants hahahahahah } } Argory: "Wax elephants? What does that mean?" } } Stone: "Forget it! Don't be distracted!" } } > Listen up, queue-drainer! We're gonna take you, dead or alive! } } } Well, gee, that's not much of a choice, is it? } } Richards: "Awwgghh....." [falls over] } } Stone: "Get up, Richards! Argory, here, you talk to him; I'm going } around the side." } } Argory: "Uh... what should I say?" } } Stone: "Haven't you ever negotiated before? Just say something." } } > Uh... do you have armanents in there, queue-drainer?? } } } why the hell would anyone want to know that. YOU SUCK } } [Argory drops the bullhorn and bursts into tears.] } } [Stone looks around. All the men are cowering or doubled-over and } groaning with nausea.] } } Stone: "Aw hell. I'm going in. Cover me." } } [Stone kicks down the door and steps into the house, holding his gun in } front of him with both hands.] } } [Silence.] } } [Suddenly there are two gunshots and what sounds like a crash of } lightning. Another gunshot.] } } [Stone emerges thirty seconds later with a smoldering black streak on } the side of his head.] } } Stone: "He hit me with his ZOT wand, the bastard! I nearly bought } it back there... but I got him in the end. Third shot, right between } the eyes." } } [Most of the men remain writhing on the ground; Argory staggers to } his feet.] } } Argory: "That was incredibly brave, lieutenant." } } [Stone nods, opens his car door.] } } Stone: "Call the coroner. Tell him it's his lucky day." } } [drives away] --- 1088-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wily, > What are some good ways to get out of a lease? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Cue theme ] } (Voice Over): All over America people are just waiting to watch... } America's Greatest Escapes! } } See comedians rush off stage when the two drink minimum } is raised to five! } } See children running from the fires they set while we } film all the exciting action, not lifting a finger to } help! } } See the US Marine Corps escape combat, Unharmed! } } All this and much more in the upcoming hour of America's } Greatest Escapes! } } [ Cue commercial ] } } William Shatner: Hello, I'm William Shatner. First up on this week's } edition of America's Greatest Escapes! we have a story } from Kansas. We have a case of a farmer not wanting to } pay the lease on his land anymore. Let's take a look. } } [ Roll footage ] } } WS: As you can see, they skies have gotten awfully gray! In fact, } we're just moments away from a tornado strike. Let's just fast } forward a few seconds. Ah. There, as you can see, the tornado has } struck the house. It is being lifted up in the air, along with } several other surrounding items, and what appears to be a witch. I } assure you that this is only an optical illusion. Beam me up } indeed! Once the storm has passed, as you can see, the house is no } longer present. As you can see, our poor subject is grinning from } ear to ear, because he won't have his lease to worry about anymore; } and he'll get disaster relief to boot. } ... } } So there you have it, supplicant. A good way to get out of your lease } would be to have the building blown away in a tornado. } } You owe the Oracle return air fare to the Emerald City. --- 1088-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most jocular Oracle, gallant are you. You are a king of Wisdom that > rules in relative peace and some form of quietness due to your wit and > wisdom, over USENET a realm of dullards, kinless loons and thieves; > > Is there a plan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course there is, and it's disturbingly easy to find out what it is. } Just log into your favorite UNIX computer and finger "jehovah", and } you'll see the following output: } } % finger jehovah } Login name: jehovah In real life: I Am Who Am } Directory: /root Shell: /bin/csh } On since Jan 1 10:00:19 4,600,000,000 B.C. on pts/0 } from paradise.heaven.afterlife.net } Plan: } %$!!*&d& %*$G( $DD*)#@) D(*FDJ$ (%HD(@K $%*$HHeKFDS "burning bush" } hs9383#@sD "Jesus" $* $kD9 DJ*#SD( "plague" J#)Df* DJ099Ff J09&hf } 8sjhfsa "Furby" asdf7 a2D#! fj (Das ()D$% d5783# FUD(^ "Charlies's } Angels: The Movie" %YH$DF(S sdf8( FHD(, s09F jg30 D)F(j "cryogenic" } a234 F&# hsd0)f "cockroaches". } } Of course, the "plan" itself is written in a font that may not be } supported on your machine, so you might just see some garbage. } } You owe the Oracle, and don't you forget it. --- 1088-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, } Over many an illiterate tellme, as my mailbox overran -- } While I nodded, nearing slumber, suddenly came something dumber, } As of email sent from someone with a short attention span. } "'Tis some supplicant," I muttered, "who hit 'send' without a plan -- } It belongs in my trash can." } } Ah, distinctly then I wondered if perhaps I might have blundered, } When I eloquently thundered thoughts on my life's master plan. } "Lisa, honey, I must answer! I've no time to be a dancer! } What would happen to the world without me? Ponder if you can!" } Then she tearily departed, leaving me a lonely man, } Lonely with my warm beer can. } } So I stared at this small email, thinking of my ticked-off female, } Wondering if there was true meaning or some hidden secret plan. } "True," said I, "my work is vital, but this little oversight'll } Not be missed if I just pitch it like a note from Ed McMahon! } Pitch it! Yes, then dance with Lisa to the waltzes of Chopin! } Pitch it! Yes, I surely can!" } } Presently my soul grew queasy, possibly from all the greasy } Pizza I had ordered from the place with the delivery van, } Possibly from realizing that in fact, despite its sizing, } This was in fact a question sent to me by some adoring fan. } Duty called. I double-clicked, then took a quick and cursive scan -- } Nothing there but "Greater than". } } Quickly to the keyboard turning, foreboding (or pizza) burning, } I began to beat my head against the screen of cool cyan. } "Surely," said I, "surely this sucks worse than Stephen Wright or } woodchucks! } What I wouldn't give to have a question from a fake caveman! } Fighting fish or Infocom or lyrics from Duran Duran -- } Anything but 'Greater than'!" } } But the tellme, blinking dumbly, offered nothing to my numbly } Churning brain; I sat there stewing like "The Thinker" by Rodin. } "Cursed pointy little symbol!" I cried, with leap both lithe and } nimble, "I will wrest your message from you!" Then the match of wits } began; Staring at the screen until my eyeballs felt like raisin bran -- } Quoth the tellme, "Greater than." } } So I sat engaged in guessing what this character's depressing } pixels meant, all robed in white -- perhaps a binary Ku Klux Klan? } A flock of geese? A smiley's beard? A pointer to an object weird? } A fairy sidekick playing Tinkerbell to someone's Peter Pan? } Alas! My muse was at the level of a punk with a spray can. } Quoth the tellme, "Greater than." } } "Symbol," said I, "of pure evil! Like some cranial boll weevil, } You will sap my brain and make me late by an enormous span! } Lisa will refuse romancing if I miss our date for dancing } (Even now I'll have to call for flowers on installment plan)! } Yield, you scum, or she'll come at me with a heavy frying pan!" } Quoth the tellme, "Greater than." } } Suddenly a thought most novel came to me -- there was no grovel! } How could I forget my right to zot this clown to Kazakhstan? } But as I raised my staff in fury, a vision came of Arthur Murray } And Lisa learning waltzes there with some carnationed ladies' man. } "I'll be back," I told the tellme, "to reveal my battle plan. } Then we'll see who's 'Greater than'!" } } So the tellme, dumb, unthinking, still is blinking, still is blinking, } Waiting for the time when that proverbial stuff will hit the fan. } And with luck that same null question soon will lead to my digestion } When I tell the tale of victory wrapped up tighter than Saran -- } But not before some dancing, sex, and zotting -- proving no one can } Be greater than the Oracle, man. --- 1088-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > , > /| | o , _ __|_ o _ | > |--| | / \_| | |_|/ |/ | | |/ | > | |)|/o \/ \/ \/ |_/|_/|_/|/|_/o > / > > (| | |_/_, _|_ _|_ _ _ __|_ _ > | | | / | /|/| | | / \_ /|/|/| |/ |/ | /|/|/| |/ > \/ \/ \/|_/ | |_/|_/ |_/\_/ | | |_/|_/|_/|_/ | | |_/|_/ > > _, _|_ _|_ |) _ , _, |\ |\ _, _ _ > / | | | |/\ |/ | | / \_| | / | |/ |/\_|/ / | / |/ > \/|_/|_/ |_/| |/|_/ \/|_/ \/ \/|_/\/|_/|_/ |_/ |_/\/|_/\__/|_/ > (| > __ > _|_ _ o _, |) _|_ ) > | / \_/|/| | / | |/\ | | > |_/\_/ | |_/|/\/|/| |/|_/o > (| > , _ > /|/_) ,_ o _, ,_ _ _|_ _ _ _|_ o _ | > | \/ | | /|/| / | |/\_/ | / \_| |/ / | | / \_/|/| | > |(_/ |/|/ | |_/\/|/ |_/ |/\_/ |_/|_/\__/|_/|/\_/ | |_/o > (| (| > __ > (\ / /\_\/ > >< | | > _/ \_/\__/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Flashing red and blue lights brought some illumination to the dank } alley. The tall, darkly handsome detective strode onto the scene, } brushing past officers with shaken looks on their faces. The } detective, one Tobias Flint, had a brooding expression on his face. He } had seen a lot of bad things in his time, but nothing that would rattle } a cop this easily. } "Any news?" he asked. His partner, already on the scene, stepped } away from a shapeless mass on the floor and turned to face him. She was } in her early thirties, with thick red hair and bright blue eyes. Her } name was Cathy Thorbjornsen. } "Unidentified victim, badly mangled." She closed her eyes for a } moment. Tobias frowned. It looked like she was holding back nausea. } She had seen every bit as much as he had, in her time. If it made her } ill.... } "No ID on the corpse, then?" } She shook her head. "We can't even tell if this was a man or a } woman." She flicked her hand in a gesture which indicated the blood- } soaked blanket behind her without having to look at it. "All forensics } could find was this." And she held out a piece of paper, neatly placed } in a clear plastic baggie to prevent fingerprints. } Tobias took the evidence baggie. The paper had escaped most of the } blood, but was still red and beginning to get crispy as the blood dried. } Someone had scrawled a note in very bad handwriting: } } Hi, Sweetie! } } Want to meet me at } the usual place tonight? } } Bring protection! } } XO } } Tobias felt his heart grow cold. XO. The dreaded mark of the X-ternet } Oracle, who knew nothing and took everything. The victim was } undoubtedly an XOR, a follower of the X-ternet Oracle. Was this a } coded message, subtly hinting at a protection racket? Where was the } other XOR, the writer of this letter, and why was he not at the } rendez-vous? Was this a border skirmish between the Internet Oracle } and the X-ternet Oracle? Between valiant vigilante and conniving } coward? Would anyone be able to tell which was the coward? } Tobias shivered. Very likely, this case would remain permanently } unsolved. One thing was for sure, though. Whoever killed this } follower of the X-ternet Oracle was certainly on the trail of the XOR } with the bad handwriting. And if it was the Internet Oracle, it } wouldn't be long before he caught up with the writer. } "Get ready, Orrie," he whispered. "Because I'm comin' after you." } ------------------------------- } } And that's just the teaser at the beginning of the episode. I'm glad } to see you found the promotional material for my new show, "IO Cop." } It's gonna be one hell of a pilot, introducing the basic conflict which } will take the show through its first season. I don't want to spoil } anything, but just wait for the episode where Tobias Flint hunts down } the evil supernatural entity known as "Figlet." } } You owe the Oracle a signed photograph of Elizabeth Gracen.