From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Apr 8 08:12:16 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id IAA06546; Thu, 8 Apr 1999 08:12:16 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 08:12:16 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199904081312.IAA06546@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1087 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1087 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1087 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 08:12:16 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1087 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1082 72 votes cdrc8 8hqg5 79hpe bmq76 csm82 7erg8 7hmk6 flo84 3aro8 8hlfb 1082 2.9 mean 2.9 2.9 3.4 2.7 2.4 3.1 3.0 2.5 3.3 3.1 --- 1087-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is dielectric materialism? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dielectric materialism is, as those of us in the know like to say, the } bastard child of quantitative metathesis and corroborative nuclear } scaling theory. Ha ha ha! Get it? } } } } I see. Well, supplicant, perhaps I ought to explain it this way: } } Pretend you have an egg. The egg represents Truth and Value. Now, } pretend you have a Teflon-coated frying pan. The pan represents } reality, the Teflon represents self-recognition, and the handle } represents the possibility of God. Admittedly, the handle is } simultaneously extant and non-extant, which creates problems when } flipping Truth out of Reality and frying Value, but we'll get to that } when we do. } } Now we put Reality onto the Furnace of the Universe, and apply Truth to } it. Separated by Self-recognition and Reality from the Universe, Truth } bubbles only slightly, signifying an indirect and presently } indeterminate change in its capacity to exist. Now, using God we } remove Reality briefly from the Universe, and flip Truth into Value, } which will now begin bubbling more loudly. As Self-recognition has } probably worn away by this point (as Reality was quite cheap, having } been bought at Wal-Mart for $4.85), Value is applied diectly to } Reality, resulting in flames and loud spurts of Value and Truth out of } Reality and directly onto the Universe, which loud fizzing begins, } spurting flaming droplets of Truth and Reality onto God, and causing } the Unmoved Mover wielding Reality (by way of God) to shriek in } unbelieveable pain while the reast of Truth and Value burns into the } Charcoal of Damnation in the middle of a Reality devoid of } Self-recognition. } } Now the Unmoved Mover will probably lose his or her grip on God and } drop Him on the floor, splattering Truth, etc., everywhere, coating the } Kitchen of Redemption in Damnation, and restoring the Universe and its } vicinity to its original state of Chaos. } } This process, which you can see demonstrated nearly daily in the rooms } of Bachelors of Clumsiness everywhere in the world, is often referred } to as dielectric materialism. } } You owe the Oracle some scrambled Truth, or perhaps some Value } sunny-side up. --- 1087-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mellifluous Oracle, who knows all the chords to all the songs. > I heard this song the other day, but I can't quite understand > what it meant. Perhaps you can tell me... why do fuels fall in > love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An interesting question o supplicant. Lets take a look thought the } archives, and see what we can come up with... Ah ha, here we have the } transcript of a phone conversation between two benzene molecules, the } morning after the party... } } C6H6(1): So, you seemed to have a good time last night? } C6H6(2): I dunno, can't remember a thing. One moment I'm cracking a } few bonds, and the next I wake up with all my carbons in a loop... I } feel terrible. } C6H6(1): So you don't remember that paraffin molecule you were chatting } up last night? } C6H6(2): What paraffin molecule? [tones of deep foreboding] } C6H6(1): You said, and I quote, she was the best thing that had ever } happened to you. } C6H6(2): Oh no, not again. I must have been outa my ring! } } So there you have it. Fuels fall in love due to excess alcohol, just } like the rest of us. } } You owe the Oracle some decent questions about computer science that I } can answer without resort to an encyclopaedia. --- 1087-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie - > > your current group of incarnations is, to be blunt, hopelessly unfunny. > It's getting to the point where you're no fun anymore, and sometimes it > hurts so badly I must cry out loud. > > Judy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You get what you pay for. } } Let's look at what you currently owe the Oracle for past advice } rendered shall we? } } * Seven albino alligators missing their tails } * A picture of your mother beating a carpet } * Unopened six packets Ex-lax } * 2 sacred ibis wearing fezs } * 6 Eskimo cakes,extra large } * Taxes and Texas or "23 taxi cabs" written in blood on a cherry pie } } You owe the Oracle a subliminal message. --- 1087-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Internet Oracle wrote: > > > > The Internet Oracle is pondering your question. > > > > Expect an answer in a day or two. > > HAHA! I have succeeded! > > The Queue Drainer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 907463521 011121442 190768050 718956337 560151743 } 378852621 871449817 327809594 109785165 995114584 } 318050756 537113114 841145926 764719416 712381823 } 424558372 400123399 981281675 132169613 369124764 } 514080304 124314001 353100714 468523425 702752811 } 554732398 662853490 842675404 154936089 064011858 } 252101348 204049061 473751962 034480978 850723809 } } Knock knock, Drainer. --- 1087-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most keen, > Why are the neighbours always complaining about my sheep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thursday, April 1, 1999 } 11:31 P.M. } } "Rrrrrrrrring........ Rrrrrrrrring ........." } } George is startled from his slumber by the harsh ringing of the } telephone by his bed. As he answers, he notices the time on the clock } and groans. } } "Hello, George Potter here." } } "Mr. Potter, is your refrigerator running?" } } George, still groggy from being wakened from his slumber is confused by } the sounds of bleating in the background as much as by the question. } "I'm not sure. Who is this?" } } "Well, if it is, you'd better go catch it! Bahhhh! Bahhhh! Bahhhh!" } (CLICK!) The harsh sound of the receiver slamming down on the other } end of the line brought George out of his mental fog. } } "Those @#$%! sheep again! I've got just the thing for them...." } } 11:52 P.M. } } "Ding-Dong"............"Ding-Dong" } } "I'm commin', I'm commin'!", Phil yells as he reaches for his } spectacles and slowly climbs out of bed. "Who could be coming by at } this hour of the night? I hope Mrs. Johnson hasn't been into her } "medicine" again!" } } As he unlocks the door and opens it, he is shocked to find no one } there. In an instant he sees the all too familiar, flaming brown bag } on the edge of the porch! As quick as a cat, Phil grabs the fire } extinguisher from behind the door, and douses the flames. } } "I'll catch you one of these days you little hellions!" } } That night, as he lay in bed, with the scent of CO2 and burning sheep } dung still in the air, Phil began plotting his revenge.... --- 1087-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Monica Lewinsky. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is something that sucks as much as Windows98? } } I'll take "Non-grovelling Supplicants" for $300. --- 1087-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And I still *ZOT* you, Like a Woodchuck Questioner And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yet ANOTHER question that means different things, depending on how you } interpret it. Gentle supplicants, PLEASE be more clear when wording } your queries. Here are some simple points of writing style that will } improve your chances of getting meaningful replies: } } If you meant to say that you were "still", it would better to write } "Motionlessly, I *ZOT* you like a woodchuck questioner." Of course, } everyone knows that a good *ZOT* requires at the very least a } satisfyingly swift kick to the groin, so a "motionless *ZOT*" is } absurd. } } If you meant to say the you *ZOT* me "like one who questions } woodchucks", this is also vague. For you see, interrogating woodchucks } is both rewarding and satisfying, and so it's not a very menacing } threat. On the other hand, if your meaning is "I, like one who } questions woodchucks, still *ZOT* you", well, I can tell you from } personal experience that questioning woodchucks pretty much takes all } the *ZOT* right out of you. } } Perhaps you are of the opinion that *ZOT* is a transitive verb, and you } write like a 16 year old girl, making your meaning "I *ZOT* you, like, } a Woodchuck Questioner". This is a common grammatical error. *ZOT* is } clearly the imperative pluperfect subjunctive future tense of "to } *ZOT*", and therefore clearly cannot be transitive. } } Now, another possibility is that you are having trouble with your spell } checker. I know from first hand experience that MY spell checker often } tries to check "auctioneer" to "questioner", which would help your } original question quite a lot. } } And, of course, if you meant to say "woodduck", well, that changes } EVERYTHING. } } You owe the Oracle, like, a woodduck auctioneer. --- 1087-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow! How exciting is that? Did you think of that question all by } yourself or did you have help? Tell you what - just for a wheeze, let's } have a look at the All-Time Top 20 Questions Most Frequently Asked of } the Internet Oracle, to see how you score: } } 1. The w**dchuck question, plus variants. (No surprise there, eh?) } 2. Blanco questions. } 3. Gratuitous attacks on Bill Gates & Microsoft. } 4. Parodies on Star Trek & its various offspring. } 5. Monty Python references. } 6. Parodies on Infocom et al. } 7. Cat questions (except #19, below). } 8. How do I get a girlfriend? (What a bunch of sad little dweebs you } are, to be sure) } 9. Gratuitous attacks on AOL/Juno/Hotmail. } 10. Questions framed as Perl scripts. } 11. References to The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Universe & the number } 42. } 12. Stephen Wright rip-offs. } 13. Questions in Og-speak. } 14. Haikus. } 15. Serious questions from idiots who don't realise this service is } supposed to be for laughs. } 16. How do I get a boyfriend? (And dweebettes) } 17. References to Bill Clinton's sexual escapades. } 18. References to Lisa's sexual escapades. (Actually, I don't mind } those) } 19. The cat and buttered toast paradox. } 20. Bogus spam mailings. } } So there you have it - you're in at #12 (along with shipment & cargo, } kamikaze pilots' helmets, using a silencer to shoot mimes, another word } for thesaurus, etc, etc, interminably etc). This makes you not the most } boring supplicant it has ever been my misfortune to encounter, but you } tried hard. Better luck next time. --- 1087-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What was actor John Waynes's real name. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } John W. Anus. So you can see why he changed it, can't you? } } Even so, John Waynes never really made it to the top flight of } Hollywood screen idols. Perhaps it was because of his severe speech } impediment. Perhaps it was because of the confusing similarity between } his chosen nom-de-theatre and that of another Western star, John Wayne. } Or perhaps it was because of his choice of projects: "High } Eleven-Thirty", "The Moderately Sized Country" and "The Man Who Shouted } at Liberty Valance" are not titles forever etched in our collective } consciousness. } } Whatever the reasons, John Waynes died in relative obscurity in October } 1976, after a long illness. There is a small memorial in his home town } of Spudburg, Wisconsin. Unfortunately, they misspelled his name "John } Waynesworld". Sic transit gloria mundi. } } You owe the Oracle a video of "She Wore a Yellow Cat Suit". --- 1087-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, who knows the secret of immortality, > > How did Zadoc come to be in your service? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He was being obnoxious, so I shrunk him down to the size of a } marshmallow and put him in the big silver teapot. When apologizes } adequately, I'll let him out. } } You owe the Oracle two lumps of sugar.