From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Mar 30 09:18:20 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id JAA27034; Tue, 30 Mar 1999 09:18:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 09:18:20 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199903301418.JAA27034@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1085 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1085 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1085 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 09:18:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1085 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1080 68 votes 43kni 9jle5 7eqf6 bmna2 1gsh6 2glm7 fhj89 gvg32 5vn54 68pch 1080 2.9 mean 3.7 2.8 3.0 2.6 3.2 3.2 2.7 2.2 2.6 3.4 --- 1085-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > k-nnnnniggets. My God! > Yes? [mumble mumble mumble] > I done it says. > ARTHUR: Well, now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! > Burn! > CROWD: Nu! > ARTHUR: [outside castle] > GUEST: Well, I-- > DINGO: Come on. [police radio] > I command you, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and Ninepence. > DEAD PERSON: It is packing it doesn't leave this castle! > DINGO: Then who till each traveller > Perhaps he is? He's going to a European swallow? > ARTHUR: What? > CUSTOMER: We'll kill may cross that thou two, Peril. > ROBIN: [bells] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I should have known. As soon as 'Shakespeare in Love' wins seven } Oscars, here comes the flood of second rate imitations. "Robin Hood } in Love" indeed! } } Sadly, being omniscient, I know that worse is yet to come. } } "Jules Verne in Love" Laughs aplenty as a young Jules falls in } love with a beached giant starfish, providing inspiration for his } greatest work. } } "Newton in Love" Well, why was Newton sitting underneath the apple } tree in the first place?. Who was up the ladder picking the apples } that fell on his head, and what charming underclothes, if any, were } revealed to his upward gaze? } } "Genghis Khan in Love" See a young Genghis fall desperately in } love with a merchant's daughter who looks a bit 'foreign', but not } identifiably so. See the grown Genghis looking desperately for his } love by conquering lands near and far, east and west. See Genghis } lining up all the maidens in each country to look for his love. } See him finally find his true love, at a time when his arteries } were harder than a certain part of him that will not be mentioned, } and the tragic consequences. } } "Pope Clement XVII in Love" See the young pope swear to wear his dying } love's clothes forever, and to command that all Popes following him } do the same. This despite Italy being in a 'shock fashion arms race' } in the seventh century even worse than when the Issey Miyake containing } group of Japanese designers burst onto the international fashion scene. } } "Malcolm Campbell in Love" See the intrepid record breaker driven to } break speed record after speed record. All due to his insistence on } not being late for a date, despite his poor organisational skills. } } "Christopher Columbus in Love" See the young Columbus scheming how to } outwit the evil parents of his young love, spirited off to the Indies, } with all overland routes from Spain guarded. } } "General George Patten in Love" adapted from the one-man show. } } "Admiral Horatio Nelson in Love" 'Kiss me Hardy. Now touch me there.' } } "The Internet Oracle in Love" Excuse me supplicant. I think I can } hear dulcet tones from the bedroom. } } You owe The Oracle a 'My Friend Visited Mesopotamia and All I Got } Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-Shirt. --- 1085-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle pulls out its lemon juice and pours some on your message... } your question appears: } } How do I tell when I run out of invisible ink? } } The writing gets darker and darker until it looks like you are writing } with visible ink. --- 1085-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can't do it! I just can't get digested! Help me!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here, pour some of this acid on yourself before being eaten. --- 1085-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does americans support the choice about Kosovo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course they do. Yugoslavia is run by an untrustworthy, insincere } man, who is more interested in his own personal welfare and wellbeing } than that of the citizens of his country. Ethnic minorities are } constantly discriminated against by official bodies, and... } } [riffles papers] } } I'm sorry, Supplicant. I appear to have been reading the file on } America, rather than the one on Yugoslavia. Let me reconsider... } } The answer to your question, supplicant, is that some do, and some } don't. } } You owe the Oracle peace on earth, and an end to politicians. --- 1085-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, whose Yin and Yang are in perfect balance, > > Could you please tell me a few Oracle Koans? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A priest was walking down a street and came to a queue outside a shop. } A man in the queue turned to the priest and said, "Please could you do } something about this queue? It is lengthy and slow." The priest smiled } and took cuts in line before the man.[0] } } An incarnation returned home one day to find his home had been } burglarized. The incarnation looked at where his stuff had been, then } at the ceiling. The incarnation smiled, then caught himself and groaned } sadly.[1] } } A supplicant got a lame question in exchange for his finely crafted } tellme. "This question is lame," said the supplicant. Soon he got a } fine answer to his finely crafted question. Over the next couple of } weeks the supplicant waited for his finely crafted question and the } fine answer to be digested. They never were, and during that time he } got that same lame question over and over and over again. "That lame } question will not die." he said.[2] } } ================================================================ } } [0] An easy koan says Gorple, the priest was showing the man in the } queue that the priest could not shorten the queue anymore than a } layman. Brantz disagrees slightly and sees in this koan an affirmation } of the man's statement that the line was "lengthy" by the priest who } was showing just how easy it was to make the queue even longer. } } [1] Both Gorple and Cranny agree that the incarnation knew the spot } on the ceiling that the incarnation stared at when mulling over answers } was his prized possession, not the stolen "stuff". Gorple and Brantz } see the smile as a slip, the incarnation was at first happy to see the } ceiling was not stolen too, which the incarnation then catches as a } fault of greed, ("Is not the ceiling stuff too?" asks Brantz). } } [2] Brantz see the undying nature of the so-called "lame question" as } evidence the "lame question" was pure in its lameness and thus had the } Og nature. Gorple of course disagrees, as Gorple sees the Og nature as } a positive force and not "lame", Gorple sees the koan as an affirmation } of the supplicant's break with the world of "lame" and "not lame" into } a nirvana of "benevolent uncaring." Cranny who crafted this koan swears } that it was designed as a "joke". --- 1085-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most perspicacious, ye who be mentally quick and alert, > > What should I study to be best prepared for a job in the year 2010? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, bearing in mind that: } } * the Millennium Bug will wipe out all telecommunications as well as } most of the world's industry in January 2000 } * the great planetary alignment of May 2000 will destabilise the } earth's orbit and start a new Ice Age } * the weakness of the Euro resulting from the Russian Mafia's takeover } of the European Commission will lead to the collapse of all European } economies around June 2001 } * the Big One will drop California into the Pacific in August 2002 } * the Indian-Pakistani War of February-March 2004 will leave South Asia } a devastated radioactive wasteland } * antibiotic-resistant swine flu will wipe out two-thirds of the } remaining human population between November 2006 and March 2007 } * in April 2009, US President Bill Gates announces that he really is, } after all, the Antichrist } } Bearing all that in mind, might I suggest flint knapping? } } You owe the Oracle three reindeer hides. --- 1085-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who's thing never gets stuck > > Who, or what is Zippy the Pinhead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > > Oh Oracle who's thing never gets stuck } } True, and it isn't full of stars, either. } } > > Who, or what is Zippy the Pinhead? } } 1. Green teas are usually graded by the age of the leaf and the } way it is prepared. The term 'gunpowder' used as a grading } refers to a very young tea that has been rolled into fine } balls. Within the grading of 'gunpowder' the ball sizes range } from the smallest, called "pinhead", to the largest, "pea leaf", } and the smaller the ball the better the tea. } } Thus the term came about in 1893 when British literary great, } and reknowned tea-sipping fop, George Orwell wrote "How Zippy } the Pinhead", a lyric ode to a particularly brisk green tea. } } 2. Throughout history, great minds have debated the question. } None have summed it up as eloquently as the brilliant American } philospher, Will Smith, when he asked "How many angels can get } 'jiggy-whit-dey-bad-selves' on the head of a pin?" } } Regrettably, the response was supplied by former presidential- } hopeful, Viagra spokesmodel and flailing Gangsta-rapper Droop- } Daddy Dole: "It depends on how 'Zippy' the pinhead." } } 3. It is the secret code name that I and all of my priesthood } reserve for any and all individuals who rarely incarnate or } supplicate and then clog up the usenet group with 500 posts } per day complaining about the quality of recent digests. } } 4. It is the title and lead character in a cartoon by Bay } Area artist Bill Griffith. ...what do I look like, an internet } search engine..? } } You owe the Oracle a brisk cup of Yin Zhen, some Will Smith } CD's and a copy of the San Francisco Chronicle. Don't worry } about the RHODites, that's what the staff of ZOT is for. --- 1085-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is worse? X or Y? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Y, by a mile. Let's face it: } } * You won't find any buried treasure at the spot marked Y. } * Brand X may be second best, but Brand Y doesn't even rate a mention. } * Nobody now remembers Malcolm Y. } * Y-rays don't even penetrate glass. } * Agents Mulder and Scully never bothered looking into the Y-Files. } * Y Windows and Java Y are platform-independent in the sense that they } don't run on any platform. } * Mutant Alien Body Snatchers from Planet Y would have been met with } derision in the fifties. } * No books have been written about disaffected Generation Y youngsters. } * Y500 directories, which list only first names and inside leg } measurements, are generally not considered to be very useful. } * Nobody is going to visit your Website to view your YYY-rated JPEGs. } * Along with the Fantastic Fourteen, the Incredible Bulk and the Mighty } Sore, the Y-Men were one of Marvel's less successful creations. } } You owe the Oracle a Z chromosome. --- 1085-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, who knows who stole the cookies from the cookie jar... > > Who killed Cock Robin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ------------------------------------------------------------ } 15 cents GOTHAM TIMES Page E14 } March 29, 1999 } ============================================================ } OBITUARIES } ------------------------------------------------------------ } | Hey, lazybones! } BELOVED CRIME-FIGHTING SIDEKICK | Are you getting } | today's Times } GOTHAM (AP) -- Anger and sadness felt | delivered to } around the world today as beloved crime- | your front door? } fighting sidekick Cock Robin was found | If not, call } murdered in his hen-house, the apparent | 555-BIFF for } victim of a gangland-style killing. Sev- | home delivery! } eral gunshot wounds were discovered. ================== } Cock Robin's mentor and best friend, | } super-crime-fighter Cock Batman, was not | CORPORATE EMAIL } immediately available for comment, but | } did issue a statement through family | Several corpor- } friend Cock Bruce Wayne. | ate e-mail sys- } "This is absolutely despicable," the | tems were dec- } statement read. "We don't yet know who | lared dead today } committed this horrible crime, but rest | as 'Melissa', a } assured, Cock Riddler, Cock Joker, Cock | virus believed } Catwoman, Cock Penguin, and Cock Mr. | to have been or- } Freeze, I won't rest until all of you | iginated by Cat- } [bleep]s are in jail!" | woman, worked } A private funeral will be held on | its deadly ma- } Saturday at the Gotham Cemetary. The | gic. More de- } deceased's family requests donations to | tails to follow } the Home for Retired Crime-Fighting | in the coming } Sidekicks in lieu of flowers. | days. --- 1085-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > How did you meet Lisa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I, the Oracle, the immortal son of Zeus and Leda, imbued with the } wisdom of Artemis, lived the life of hermits in a tower made of ivory } on the highest peak of Mt. Olympus. Manna poured from the fountains in } the courtyard, ambrosia rained like golden dew from the olive groves. } Those who scaled Olympus's mighty peaks to seek his advice were imbued } with much awe and amazement at such extravagance, a true gift belonging } to one whose grace must surely shine brightly with the gods. } } But alas, the Oracle grew lonely. Nights were cold with no source of } warmth beside him in his bed of spun gold and goose down. Days were } dark, even on the brightest of days, with no companion to light his } isolated soul. The Oracle grew hardened, and cold. So Aphrodite } in pity cried tears into the river Styx, and from the teardrops } burst fire, and from the fire was forged woman. And the woman was } called Lisa. } } The beauty which radiated from this glorious creation made the Oracle } weep tears of joy. Her hair was long and brown like the reeds of } Crimea, her eyes deep blue like the pale depths of the river Lethe, } her bosoms ample like...well, they were ample. And her heart burned } like a furnace for the Oracle alone. Their companionship brought the } Oracle many days of unadulterated bliss. } } But Aphrodite, the mother of such glorious a creation, became jealous } of her beauty. Zeus, father of the Oracle, was mad with envy because } such a creation could not be his. So the Oracle was cast down into the } depths of Indiana, and Zeus did enslave Lisa in his palace in Olympus. } } The Oracle was enraged by his fate. Chained was he to a computer } terminal, forced was he to answer the basest questions of the } adolescent populace. All without the beautious creature to which } he had given half his soul. So the Oracle brought forth and blew } his Horn of Valhalla, and summoned he forth all of the beats of the } New World, and commanded them together in a mighty army to storm } Olympus and take his mate back by force. From on high, Zeus hailed } lightning down upon them, but alas, the Oracle's Shield of Mighty } Wisdom deflected the bolts harmlessly, and the army didst march on. } } And lo, a battle didst ensue between the mightiest valkyries of Olympus } and the beasts of the New World. The Oracle, armed with his Sword of } Mightiest Intelligence, battled and subdued his godly father and the } enslaver of his mate, and cast was Zeus down into the nether regions. } The chains were cast off the lovely Lisa, and with all the beasts of } the New World, returned they to the depths of Indiana, never again } to partake of the fickle grace of those who called themselves gods. } From then on, the Oracle bartered his endless wisdom in exchange for } lavish material goods and services. Built he a pallatial compound, } and stocked it full of neat looking stuff. And both Oracle and Lisa } live in bliss, and shall for all eternity... } } Naah, I'm just pulling your leg. I met her at a University of Delphi } kegger. } } You owe the Oracle a 12-pack of manna.