From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov 17 10:19:33 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.19) id KAA19859; Tue, 17 Nov 1998 10:19:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 10:19:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199811171519.KAA19859@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1063 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1063 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1063 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 10:19:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1063 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1058 72 votes 7ppf0 9eAa3 9anl9 b7ohd 7iihc 4hug5 6rnc4 9irg2 6bpl9 htd85 1058 2.9 mean 2.7 2.8 3.2 3.2 3.1 3.0 2.7 2.8 3.2 2.4 --- 1063-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most informative and helpful of entities, whose > patience is as enduring as a ketchup stain on a white > cotton shirt, whose telephone manner puts all others to > shame, who never has to put someone on hold while he refers > to someone else, please deign to answer this quick question. > > What is the number for the human brain technical support > line? I want to know how to use both sides of my brain (for > problem-solving and suchlike), but can't find out how to do > it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll transfer you... } (I got you babe...I got you babe...) } "Hello, Human Brain Tech Support, Axon speaking." } "Yes, I'd like to know how to use both sides of my brain." } "What model brain do you have?" } "What do you mean?" } "What model brain do you have?" } "I heard the question, I just don't know?" } *Sigh* "Fine. What is your serial number?" } "Um, again..." } "Do you know anything? Look, when did you get your brain?" } "You mean when was I born?" } "Are you sure you have a brain at all?" } "Fine. 1972." } "So let's guess it's a model 1964A, and based on your inteligence, the } 10MHz version." } "So how do I make both sides work together?" } "First, you'll have to detatch the medula oblongata and the cerebral } cortex, then unplug the optic nerve." } "I can't do any of that?" } "Fine, then you'll have to take it in to an authorized Brain Care } Specialist. What's your address?" } "255 Ring Buffer Circle, Arrayville CA." } "The closest BCS is Dr. Frankenstein. He's in Romania." } "Romania! Is this covered under warrenty?" } "I'll have to check with my superior." } (While your waiting, perhaps you would like to consider upgrading to } our latest model brain, the 2000+ model. Operating at 100MHz, it is } the brain for the new millenium. Tests show that 15% of users will be } able to understand DOS, and increase of more than 200%. It is also 63% } more resistant to television, astrology, and internet oracles.) } "It's only under warranty if you still have your receipt." } "I could get a copy of my birth certificate." } "Nope. It has to be your receipt." } "Listen; I don't have a receipt. The brain came preinstalled in my } body!" "Oh, why didn't you say so. That means you have the 1964B } model. We don't provide tech support for that. You'll have to contact } you body's manufacturer for that." } *click* --- 1063-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Paul Kirkson (pkirkson@friboz.com) http://www.friboz.com > Executive Secretary, Residence Hall Association. > University of the Midwest, CS '00 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Internet Oracle (oracle@cs.indiana.edu) } http://www.wmin.ac.uk/~clemenr/ORACLE/search.html } } Resident deity, Omnipotent Beings Association } Indiana University, Classics, 4004BC --- 1063-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and stupendous (not to mention wondrous and fantastic) > Internet Oracle, please tell me, a lowly supplicant, who is not worthy > to defrost the refrigerator of Lucifer, when WILL hell freeze over? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When Lucifer fails to pay his electric and gas bill of course. } } Hello, Local Service Gas Company here, how may I } help you? } } My gas has been cut off. } } Could you please quote your customer service number? } } It's me, Lucifer, The Devil, Prince of Darkness, Shortstop on The } Immortals softball team. } } I'm sorry, we can only access accounts by customer service number, } could you please tell me your customer service number so that I can } process your call. } } Oh, sure, it's 666-666-666666. } } Thank you, and you are T. Devil, of Hades? } } Yes. } } And what seems to be the problem? } } My gas has stopped working. It's freezing over down here. } } According to my records, you haven't paid your bill since 4004BC. } } Of course not, I am The Devil. Mortal men quake in fear at the mention } of my name. I command, and you obey or face consequences too dire to } think about. } } I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash. If you pay your bill we can arrange } to have your gas reconnected within seven working days. } } Listen mortal, how would you like me to send another swarm of fire } breathing demons dripping the foul smelling slime of unholy } invertebrates from their mouths to your office. } } Yes please sir. We put the last batch to work as customer relations } officers, and they show an aptitude for the job unparalleled among } normal recruits. } } Oh, oh, allright then. How much do I owe? } } According to the computer, you now owe us your soul. } } Wait a second, *I* am the *DEVIL*. I don't sell *MY* soul, I buy the } souls of mere mortals. } } Well you know how it is with faceless corporations taking over } the traditional business niches of mom and pop operations. } } Oh allright then, could you please send the forms by mail, and I'll } sign them. } } In blood, Mr Lucifer? } } Yes, ...., in blood. } } You owe The Oracle your soul. Well, if McDonalds can do it, so can I. --- 1063-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We promise you'll "phlip" over the WB network's newest hit show, > "Phun with Phlegm"! Next week, on a very special episode, you'll > laugh and cry when young Phlegm's closest friend, Crusty, is picked > on and taken away by the mysterious Mr. Finger! How will poor > Phlegm cope with his loss? Find out on an all new "Phun with > Phlegm"! Tuesday night at 8/7 central, only on the WB! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The WB, the phreshman of TV networks, is merely a phad. Phaithful } TV viewers never watch the WB anyway, and hopephully the TV phairy } will have entire network cancelled soon. Phar phrom phrist place, } WB's phlaky Phall lineup is a pharce, and the ratings are phake. } Touted with much phanfare, the network was unpheasable phrom the } start, an impossible pheat. Network executives should be arrested } for phelonies phor phibbing. The WB is one giant phinancial phiasco. } } The WB's phatal mistake was the phoist phaulty movies upon viewers. } Rather than phinesse philms like "Phirecracker," "Phorrest Gump," } "Barton Phink" or "Phargo," viewers were phorced to watch movies } with Chris Pharley, Denniz Phranz and Mike Pharrell using a typical } phatephul-phatigued-phathers-phind-phault phormula. } } If the WB could phind just *one* hit show, like "Phrazier," it could } phind its way out of the phreakshow niche it now phills. Phinicky phans } are not interested in phlawed, phragmented phiction without any phamous } actors. Viewers have not phlocked to WB's phlood of pheatureless shows, } which phluctuabe between phluff and phalacy, and the network is not } phlexible enough to change this phoundation of pheces. } } The phormidible phorces of the PHCC, PHBI and PHDA will soon be } phighting the WB in a Phairphield, VA courthouse, charging the WB } with a phiendish plot to phool Americans. } } The WB will have to phocus on this new phoe, so you can phorget about } the WB phorging ahead with phostering any new ideas, prephering to } phorage phor phorthcoming phorgeries of phoreign shows. The phuture } looks phutile phor the WB. I recommend giving them the phinger. } } You owe the Oracle a Price Pfister pfaucet - one with the new pfilter. --- 1063-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of honor, glory and might not be on her all the time, please > tell me. > > How can I get the Kirby vacuum salesman out of my living room? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is not an easy question to answer. Kirby has well over 50 years } of experience in door-to-door sales, and as a result, they've built } an enormous collection of stock answers to potential questions and } pre-programmed responses to potential situations. You can expect } most of Kirby's sales force to have a very firm grasp of these stock } answers and responses, so unfortunately you have to be pretty wily } to maneuver around a Kirby salesman. } } The first tip you must remember is to remain courteous at all times. } At no time should you ever show anger or hostility: the first lesson } Kirby teaches its salesmen is how to make people feel ashamed for } blowing up and losing their temper. This consistently leads to a sale } for them, so remember: you blow your top, consider yourself sold. } } Unless spoken to, don't ask questions or make comments about the } product. Ever. Remain silent throughout the demo. As mentioned before, } the Kirby rep has stock responses, even to these witty zingers: } } "Your product sucks!" "As a matter of fact, it does. And it sucks } like no store-bought vacuum could ever hope to suck!" } } "Your product blows!" "Why yes, indeed, it does! With this handy } attachment, this unit converts to a combination blower/leaf mulcher..." } } "Your product is a piece of crap!" "Well, with Kirby's 100% money-back } guarantee, if you're ever dissatisfied with this piece of crap, } 'flush it!'" } } Get my drift? Keep the trap shut. Don't give him any ammo. } } During the demo, every time he pulls out and shows you a new } attachment, do your best to roll your eyes back and make a nice } seductive "mmmmm." Nothing overtly sexual...make it more like a low, } satisfied grunt, something you would let out after eating a bite } of Haagen-Dazs. } } A common sales tactic Kirby reps use is to verbally involve you in } the demo by asking *you* questions. For example, he/she will show } you the shampoo wand attachment, describe its many wonders, then } say "If you had that, you'd use it, wouldn't you?" For any yes/no } question you encounter, respond thusly: raise your RIGHT eyebrow, } purse your lips together tightly, give a dramatic pause, and in your } coldest, deepest voice, say "perhaps." If you play your cards right, } this should be the only word you speak during the entire demo. } } Now, here's the end game, so pay attention. When it's all over with, } the Kirby representative should ask you if you have any more questions } about the product. At this time, the sales guy should be sitting on } the floor. Get down on the floor and scoot as close to the salesman as } you can. Stare him straight in the eye and ask the following question, } punctuating the last two words with eyebrow movements: } } "Do you mind if I test the unit out...in bed?" } } This is the only known question that still consistantly throws Kirby } salesmen to date. Most are taught early in their careers to revere the } Kirby vacuum cleaner as if it were a member of his/her own family. } Even the mere suggestion of somehow raping or defiling their demo } unit in a sexual manner is enough to make a salesman pack up and walk } out in disgust. A select few might simply become very uncomfortable } and try to change the topic to how well the Kirby handles dust mites } in mattresses. Others (clueless ones) might simply not understand } what you're suggesting. No matter what they say, keep repeating the } question until they pack up and leave. } } However, don't let them leave. Remind the person that he's agreed to } shampoo your carpet in exchange for the demo. } } You owe the Oracle a slurpee attachment for my Kirby G5. --- 1063-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 0G V|RU$ H3R3. > 0G |NF3C+ C4V3! $CRUb P4|NT|Ng 0FF! > 0G $4Y, C4V3 P4|NT|NG W4N+ B FR33. > H4 H4 H4! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 3RR0R |N M0DUL3 "FR33 $P33CH" } 4C+1V4+|NG +URP3N+|Ne } $C4NN|NG F0r $|GN|F|C4N+ 4R+W0Rk } D3L3T|NG } 4C+|V4+|NG PR0GR4m "0G:$0L" } N0 C4RR|3R } } You Owe the Oracle a handbook of Og-speak translations. --- 1063-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who could build a working version of Babbage's > Analytical Engine from Lego, what kind of Input/Output devices would > such a machine use? Punched card seem a bit dodgy, due to the size of > the holes that would be required. And any kind of display would need > to be purely mechanical. Could the Analytical Engine run Windows 98? > (Not that I want to do that; I'm just curious.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, debased and silly yet admirably earnest, } } Punched cards ARE a bit dodgy for Leggos, that was quite astute of you. } Nonetheless when I planted the knowledge of punched card technology } in mortal's minds it was nearly beyond their capacity to receive. } But I am reminiscining. } } The best I/O device is Plah-doh. Play-doh retains any information } pressed into it, including of course the binary information enabled } by Lego shapes. Two-dimensional information can be recorded too: } Try this with Peanuts or even Apartment 3-G in the Sunday Comics and } you will be amazed. } } Any kind of Lego data will be reverse-recorded by this method. } For 3-d info, freeze the Play-doh; the algorithm that will read the } stored data is, simply enough, another, warm piece of Play-doh (warm } the Play-doh to increase its pliability by rubbing it in your hands). } } You really DO want to run the Analytical Engine on WIndows 98, but you } have not become completely conscious of this yet. Repent. The system } can run on WIndows for the Abacus, but this is not recommended without } an illegal amount of even prescription tranquilizers on hand. } } What the system lacks in speed and storage capacity it more than } makes up for in reliability. } } On the other hand, for the Oracle, a thousand years is like one day, } and one day is like a thousand years. } } Grovel on --- 1063-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > why? Oh God, why? WHY? WHY? WHY LucFrench? WHY? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it'll work, George, trust me! Look, I'll show you. Okay, you } guys, on four. Three, two, one... and action! } } "The Emperor has been expecting you." } } "Ah kneuw, fazzeur." } } "So you have accepted the truth." } } "Ah eve ahccepteud zat yew war wunce Annakeen Skay-walkeur, mah } fazzeur." } } " That name no longer has any meaning for me." } } "Eet ees ze name uf yeur true self, yew eve eunlee forgotteun. Ah kneuw } zere ees gewd een yew, fazzeur. Zat ees whay yew cewld neut destreuy } me. Zat ees whay yew weell neut breeng me tew yeur Ahmpereur neuw." } } > Cut! CUT! CUUUT!!! I've seen enough! } } You mean you don't like it? } } > No, I don't like it one little bit! I don't care if it does appeal to } > the Europeans, I'm not starring Gerard Depardieu as Luke Skywalker. } > Get him on the next flight back to France. And as for you, Orrie, I } > fart in your general direction! --- 1063-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, You who have never been a newbie. > > It's my first tellme. You're probably lifting your right now, but > wait a sec. I'm not going to ask the W question. I even remembered to > grovel. I've lurked for a while and read a number that Og might have > called "Many Many" digests. I've seen what good questions look like and > what good answers look like. The thing is, as much as I enjoy reading > the digests, I'll never see the questions and answers that don't make > it to the digest. I've seen supplicants and incarnations mock them > humouristically, I've seen bad questions that got hilarious answers, > but I feel I'm missing a world of undigested Oracularities. > > So, what do undigested Oracularities really look like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you want a look at the kind of crappy answers most questions } receive, just resubmit your question about 10 times or so. By that } point you'll see why, like many people, this incarnation would } not become a priest even if offered a bribe large enough to impress } most congressional Republicans. But I'll save you the bother, and } just power up the time machine and show you all the responses you will } receive, er, I mean would have received, er, woulden-haved mayen } receiven-withedly...oh screw it, you can figure out the time-travel } grammar yourself. } } In any case, here are the answers... } } <> } } .TOZ ehT .01# rewsnA } } Oops, I set the time-directional control wrong. Let me try again.... } } Answer #1. Juno madness. } } ive already seen this one } } } } _____________________________________________________________________ } } You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. } } Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com } } Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] } } Answer #2. Good, Juno went away, but now we have someone who didn't } read the help file. } } On Sun, 15 Nov 1998, The Internet Oracle wrote: } } > !!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full. Help speed } } > !!! things up for everyone and do askme's instead of tellme's. } } > } } > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > } } > > Oh wise Oracle, You who have never been a newbie. } } > > } } > > It's my first tellme. You're probably lifting your right } } > now, but } } > > wait a sec. I'm not going to ask the W question. I even } } > > remembered } } > to } } > > grovel. I've lurked for a while and read a number that Og might } } > have called } } > > "Many Many" digests. I've seen what good questions look like and } } > what good } } > > answers look like. The thing is, as much as I enjoy reading the } } > digests, } } > > I'll never see the questions and answers that don't make it to } } > > the } } > digest. } } > > I've seen supplicants and incarnations mock them humouristically, } } > I've seen } } > > bad questions that got hilarious answers, but I feel I'm missing } } > > a } } > world of } } > > undigested Oracularities. } } > > } } > > So, what do undigested Oracularities really look like? } } > > } } > } } The digests have people who spell "humoursly" right in them. Never } } bother The Oracle agian! } } Answer #3. This one didn't read the help file, either. } } I dont know. } } } } -- } } Anne Thrax } } anne4325@aol.com } } http://users.aol.com/anne4325/ } } Answer #4. This one may have read it, but doesn't have the faintest } idea what the word "obscure" means. } } You need to ask the blue duck from level 12, he can tell you if you } } wave the flag at the man } } Answer #5. This incarnation has a poor understanding of the English } language, but thinks everyone can understand them perfectly. } This very well may be a funny response, if only you can } figure out what the hell it means... } } Perhaps Undigestated Ocularities look, the backdrive for posts in } } Summer. they have the good Image and, as Want no humorly! } } Answer #6. This one has read the digests, and thinks they have to work } *every* damn in-joke into their response. } } HOI, ZADOC! } } } } ZADOC: Og, can you help me? } } } } Og: Og here. Og ask for Bill Gates. } } } } Bill Gates: You will be assimilated. Lisa, can you help? } } ... } } Answer #7. This incarnation goes into a long, drawn-out, boring list } of bad ways to answer. } } Well, if you want a look at the kind of crappy answers most questions } } receive, just resubmit your question about 10 times or so. By that } } point you'll see why, like many people, this incarnation would } /bin/universe received signal 42 (paradox fault), aborting connection. } paradox fault (core dumped) } NO CARRIER --- 1063-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >VERSION > Internet Oracle > An Interactive Queue > Version 3/Serial Number 110898 > >GROVEL > Done. > >LOOK > Queue > This is where the queue is kept. > > You see here a question, an in-joke, an obscure reference, the queue, > and an Og. > >XYZZY > Obscure reference: Taken > >INVENTORY > You have: > An Infocom > Several posts to rec.humor.oracle.d > An obscure reference. > >LOOK AT OG > Here's here to guard the queue from the evil Juno Queue Drainer. > >OG, HELLO > Og grunts. > >KISS OG > Og grunts. > >HIT OG > That would be suicidal. > >LOOK > Queue > This is where the queue is kept. > > You see here a question, an in-joke, the queue, and an Og. > >X QUESTION > It's just another question. The supplicant wants to know where > he can find some "WAR3Z". > >ZOT SUPPLICANT > Done. > A question appears from the queue. > >X QUESTION > Somebody asking about a X-Files/Zork/Highlander crossover. > >X QUEUE > It's filled to bursting. > >DRAIN QUEUE > That would be suicidal, since Og is guarding it. > >_ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >X QUESTION } i do not see that here. } >FIND QUESTION } You look all around, but the question is nowhere to be found. } >ZOT SUPPLICANT } Unfortunately, you cant quite figure out who supplicant is and where he } might be. } >OG, KILL SUPPLICANT } Og sniffs around the room and drags supplicant from a corner. } >OG, KILL SUPPLICANT } Og steadfastly refuses. } >INV } You have a staff of Zot, , an empty answer, a large can of Zot, a } dinner roll, and a nonsensical question. } >LOOK } Queue } This is where the queue is kept } } You see here a question, an in-joke, an obscure reference, the queue, } and an Og. } >LOOK QUESTION } II do not see that here. } >X QUESTION } I do not see that here. } >DAMN } Dont make me wash out your mouth. } >GET ALL } You pick up an in-joke and an obscure reference. } That would be suicidal. } >SMILE OG } Og grunts. } >X IN-JOKE } It is really exclusive, and is funny to about 4 people. } >X OBSCURE } It makes a reference to some archaic and obscure work or a bit of } computer programming that only the people who understood the in-joke } would get. } >OG, WHAT TO DO? } Og scratches his rear. } >SCRATCH REAR } Feels nice, doesn't it? } >PUT IN-JOKE IN ANSWER } With a flash of Oracular magic, the answer now contains an in-joke. } >PUT OBSCURE IN ANSWER } With a flash of Oracular magic, the answer now contains an obscure } reference. } >LOOK ANSWER } It contains an in-joke and an obscure reference. } >USE ANSWER QUESTION } Much like matter touching antimatter, the two meet and vanish in a puff } of logic. } Something is written in the golden book next to you. } >X GOLDEN BOOK } It is Gold, and has "Digest" embossed on the cover. } } You owe the Oracle new copies of Lurking Horror, Bureaucracy, Nord and } Bert Couldnt Make Head or Tail of It, and a new parser.