From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Aug 11 10:19:25 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id KAA01866; Tue, 11 Aug 1998 10:19:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998 10:19:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199808111519.KAA01866@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1040 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1040 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1040 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998 10:19:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1040 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1035 77 votes 8nqh3 4ioo7 dioe8 gls93 5kvh4 7gvi5 fqnc1 9qy71 8hpp2 9lli8 1035 2.8 mean 2.8 3.2 2.8 2.5 2.9 3.0 2.5 2.5 2.9 2.9 --- 1040-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who has access to libraries past, present, and future, > who knows the printer's art backwards... > > What are the best books that were never written? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best books that were never written were James Joyce's planned } sequels to _Finnegan's Wake_, _Finnegan Gets the Shaft_ (a foray into } the hard-boiled detective genre) and _Finnegan in Wonderland_ (a } light-hearted children's tale). It's a tragedy of indescribably } proportions that the world of literature was robbed of these gems when } James Joyce sobered up and decided not to write them. However, a brief } snippet of each -- scrawled drunkenly on bar napkins -- survived, } thankfully, and I've reprinted them here for you. } } FINNEGAN GETS THE SHAFT } } lugergun, past Spade and Archer's, from screech of street to barf of } beer, picked up by a fedoratopped flatfoot of discernification back to } Smoky Office and Environs. Mike Finnegan, private d'etective, fr'over } the laundromat downthestairs, had powder-dust contrived from Precinct } Serpentine on this side the crummy megapol down Canal Street to } pinkyprint his evidentiary gat...[runs out of room on napkin] } } FINNEGAN IN WONDERLAND } } The fall } (whopwhopthunkwhopwhopclinkmeowkersmashbiffbangboomdinaharrrgh!) down a } once rabbitwide holecave is rapidstopped thumping to ground and spying } on stopperbottle request to ingest all respondez silverplate. The great } roll of the harehole enthirsted at such short notice the pftjthroat of } Finnegan, erse solid man, that the parchedpersona of humself prumptly } chugs a refrushing glug and wells up the walls away from his } tumptytumtoes: and his headheightheftandsize are all the high rise in } the sky where orioles have been flew from coops until a cake...[beer } spill renders remainder of text unreadable] } } You owe the Oracle a portrait of himself as a young soothsayer. --- 1040-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Fair and Well-Balanced and Yellow Padded Oracle, please do your > white powdered wig and answer the following for me please: > > Which of these maxims do you think is better to base a legal system on? > > a) Better that a hundred criminals go free than one innocent man be > jailed. > > b) An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. > > c) Kill them all, let God sort them out. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } None of the above. There is an ancient (and therefore obviously wise) } system, which has fallen into disuse in recent centuries, but which is } ripe for revival. I refer, of course, to trial by combat. Of course, } things have changed a little since trial by combat was last in vogue: } the days of two opponents meeting alone on the sward before the castle } are over, and nowadays every litigant needs his team of lawyers - the } more the merrier, I say. Of course, televised court proceedings would } become much more marketable, and we could probably afford to get the } broadcasters to pay the lawyers fees, thus bringing justice equally to } all. In the future, news reports will look something like: } } David: At the Old Bailey today, the Smith trial continues. } Tom Sawyer has the details. } Tom: Well, David, the action has moved back into open court now, } following a dispute over rules of evidence earlier in the } day, which had to be resolved in chambers. It is rumoured } that his Honour Referee Braithwaite finally had to invoke } the House of Lord's ruling on the matter last year, and } had the problem resolved based on the outcome of a nude } mud-wrestling match between defence and prosecution teams. } David: So what's happening now? } Tom: Well, it would seem that the defence won the argument, and } Sir Anthony Crossling QC has been allowed to introduce his } non-standard extra-long katana. } David: That'll cause some problems for the prosecution, then? } Tom: Well, yes. Sir Anthony is a past master at the katana, } while Ms Rachel Atkins, acting for the Crown, has almost } no experience with edged weapons. However .... Oh, just } a minute ... Yes, I've just heard that they're about to } resume, and that Ms Atkins has obtained the referee's } permission to swap her usual choice of quarterstaff for an } 8-foot pikel. Well, that evens up the chances a bit for } the prosecution. } And they're back in action. Sir Anthony opting for a } very conservative position, and concentrating mainly on } putting forward a solid and unbreakable defence. Ms } Atkins seems to be going all out for a win, but ... OH! } What a blow! She reversed her pikel in mid-swing and used } the blunt end in a scathing attack on Sir Anthony's } ankles, and he's down. Well, a completely novel piece of } legal manouevring there, and the referee isn't sure .... } yes, he's given it to Ms Atkins. And the defence solicitor } has launched an objection ... looks like they're all going } back into chambers again. It'll take a round of Indian } King-of-the-Ring to sort this one out. } David: So, what's the next step, Tom? } Tom: Well, assuming that the prosecution victory in this round is } confirmed, the case should move into the assault course stage. } This will be particularly interesting, since it is rumoured } that falling TV ratings have led the Lord Chancellor to make } sweeping changes in the procedure here. There are stories of } rotating knives and tar pits, but nothing can be confirmed } at this stage. } David: Tom Sawyer at the Old Bailey. And we go over to another } part of the Old Bailey now, where the defendant John Smith is } giving a news conference. } [Switch to news conference] } Reporter: Mr Smith, you've already lost 3 of your legal team to } Rachel Atkins, do you think it's time to give up? } Smith: Well, of course it's never nice to see your lawyer defeated, } but it's a trial of 2 halves, and Sir Anthony gave 110 } percent. His injury, apparently, is not life-threatening } like the others, and he'll soon be back on the team. } Remember, the trial's not over until the final judgement. } I can reveal, however, that in the next stage, the assault } course, I shall be playing my Joker. } [Switch back to studio] } David: Political news: and the launched a new offensive at Prime } Ministers penalty shoot-out today. Alan Hansard has the } details ....... } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of "Barristers of Lincoln's Inn" } stickers. --- 1040-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Noble Oracle, you are the quoin upon which all knowledge rests! > > Which make better pets, gold fish or silver fish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ______ } | | } ______ | \\// | } | | | / \ | ______ } | \\// | |( )| | | } | / \ | | \__/ | | \\// | } |( )| |______| | / \ | } | \__/ | |( )| } |______| | \__/ | } |______| } gold } fish } silver _______ } fish | | } _______| | bronze } | | | fish } | | |_______ } | | | | } | | | | --- 1040-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most well-read, owner of every text lost in the Alexandria > Fire, master of all tongues and Sage of the Printed Page; > > What will the last book be about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About eight pages, with color-by-numbers pictures of US Government } military installations and a fold-out fallout umbrella. } } You owe the Oracle an advance copy of My Dan Quayle 2000 } Presidential Election Victory Celebration Great Big Coloring Book, and } a potatoe. --- 1040-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most adroit and versatile Oracle who knows the middle names of > all the world's cats; > > What happened to the 170kg of weapons-grade uranium that vanished > from the Dounreay nuclear power plant in Scotland? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you consider the fact that Viagra is on the market at the same time } the disappearance occurred, I think the question isn't as difficult as } it appears. Uranium- it ain't just for missiles anymore ... well, } ground to air anyway. } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } You owe the oracle a snap, crackle or a pop. --- 1040-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to be president of the USA when I grow up. What should I be > doing to prepare me for my goal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Castration is an excellent first step, in order to prevent certain } sociopolitical blunders. } } You owe the Oracle some salted nuts. --- 1040-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ! | > \ _ / > \\|// __ /*\ __ ,-------------. > //===\\ \*/ | ORACLE!!!!! | > |\ /| / | \ /-------------' > | o | | / > (=) |/-\| (=) / > \\ || || // > \\__/\__|\-/|__/\_//| > \------| |-----/ | > | | | > | | | > | | > ///|\\\ > // \\ > // \\ > || || > || || > <__> <__> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LISA: How ever did he get like this in the first place? } } ZADOC: He was playing with the new scanner and someone pushed him in. } } LISA: Someone??? } } ZADOC: He was like this when I found him. Honest. } } LISA: And what exactly were you doing with the paper shredder? } } ZADOC: Er. Um. Just cleaning it? } } LISA: I see. <> } } ORACLE: <> } } ZADOC: Uh oh. } } ORACLE: <> } } ZADOC: <> } } ORACLE: <> ZOT!!! } } ZADOC: <> } } LISA: I knew that would help you fill out. } } ORACLE: Thanks baby. You always knew how to help me out when I was } feeling flat. } } You owe the Oracle a transcript of what Lisa whispered. --- 1040-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Abundant Mind of The Oracle encompasses all truths and > errors alike, though he heeds not the latter; > > Of all the civilizations you have watched rise and fall which > one to do remember as being most similar to contemporary USA? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Geez! } Is this another one of those ridiculous grade-12, Ancient History, } essay-style, artsy-fartsy, fancy pants questions? Man, aren't they just } the WORST! Don't sweat it, kid. I know, it sounds like they really } expect you to go out and research dozens of civilizations, and compose } a long list of facts that support your choice. But no. There is ONE } eternal secret to getting through ALL highschool essay questions: } } BS! } } Yes, BS. And don't look at me like I got jet engines stickin outta } my ears! You know bloody well that BS can get you high marks every } time. } } Now, let's begin here. I want you to put down that contemporary } Americans most resemble... oh... say, the ancient Egyptians. Yes, } that's right, the ancient Egyptians! The fact that this is ridiculous } is not the point here. If you can make up some reasons to back up your } statement, you're homefree. I'll get you started: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Ancient Egyptians Contemporary USA } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Giant pyramids for which thousands } of people were enslaved to contruct Amway } } Mummification involving removal of Country & Western, Heavy } brain through nose with a hook Metal, and Rap music } } Cryptic, and confusing Hieroglyphics Tax forms } } Plagues of Locusts Microsoft } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Take that there baton, and run with it. } } You owe the Oracle a Stargate --- 1040-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle! Oh, Oracle who's praises are sung on high by > anybody who truely knows what's what. Please, ram your othopozitor > down my skull and pump my brain full of wisdom. > > If the winners write the history books, then how come we're learning > that the settlers were complete jerks to the Native people and scammed > them out of everything with a few glass beeds? Sounds to me that > the loosers wrote the history books. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Native American people got the best out of the deal. } } That discovery of the properties of European glass was the final key } that let them understand and exploit the ancient technologies left } behind by their starfaring forebears. } } Form that point things progressed fast. Admittedly, the first } generation Sioux Orbiter was a rather ramshackle affair, fuelled } using a mixture of black power and firewater. Those smoke signals } were really exhaust trails. } } By 1550 they had ion thrusters. Come the Proclamation of 1763 they } had mastered Warp technology and each tribe had established their } own colony worlds. } } Little Big-Horn was a pay-to-view service providing real-time feed } from a Tainhos surveillance satellite. The infra-red channel showed } just how hot Custer got under the collar. } } Nowadays, most UFO abductions are Cherokee Braves counting high-tech } Coup. } } Earth will finally learn the truth in 2292 when three small and } battered colonisation ships trying to escape a despoiled planet (The } "Last" the "Best" and the "Hope") will be intercepted on their way } to Proxima by the heavy cruiser "Wounded Knee". The Chieftain in } Command will receive the three captains, present each with a string } of commemorative beads and escort them back to the borders of what } his charts show as the "Earthman Reservation". } } You owe the Oracle a trip to the Cherokee Nation's Dyson Sphere, } where the buffalo roam and passenger pigeon flies free, and where } the term "paleface" refers to the dutiful little service 'bots that } clean the latrines. --- 1040-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Without defect or omission is the Oracle's wisdom, The Oracle's > flawless nature is the awe of the known universe; > > The nation of China, is there any doubt that they will run the world by > the end of the next century? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, seeing as how the USA can't seem to get it's } political mind out of the gutter and this is a trend that shows no sign } of changing, it's pretty much a given that it won't be the US who'll be } running the world in 100 years time. } } You might think that perhaps one of the European countries might step } up to fill it's shoes, but the French already think that they run the } world; the British have decided in their genteel way that running the } world is beneath them, and besides they've done it before and it wasn't } much fun. The Germans would have a go at it, but no one is prepared to } let them after what happened last time they tried. The Italians } couldn't organise themselves well enough, and the Russians are too } poor. } } The Japanese might look like a promising candidate, but since the Yen } has started heading in the direction of the Marianas trench, I think } we can probably discount them. The Canadians would probably be able } to do it, but they're much too polite to try. Australia might be able } to, but they are going to start having serious problems in the "Dolly } Uprisings" where genetically engineered sheep go feral, with } disasterous consequences. } } And so on supplicant. I'm sure that you can eliminate all the other } candidates yourself. Which leaves just China and Denmark. } } China has over 1 billion people. Denmark has lutefisk. Who would you } back? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Great Lye: the Role of Pickled Fish } as a Strategic Weapon in the Rise of the Pax Danica" by Sven Svensson, } PhD thesis at Smorgasbord University, Shanghai.