From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jul 29 11:00:54 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id LAA13906; Wed, 29 Jul 1998 11:00:54 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 11:00:54 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199807291600.LAA13906@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1038 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1038 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1038 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 11:00:54 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1038 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1033 71 votes a6lld 28flp 27lub 3dmkd huh43 3arjc 6ewb8 2gtg8 4jqg6 6mq98 1033 3.2 mean 3.3 3.8 3.6 3.4 2.2 3.4 3.0 3.2 3.0 2.9 --- 1038-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Splendiferous Oracle, please answer this query which isn't really > worthy of your time: > > Today, for breakfast, I ate a strip of bacon in the form of a Moebius > band. What sort of pig did that come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Surely you are familiar with the well-known children's rhyme? } } This Klein piggy went to market, } This Klein piggy stayed at home, } This Klein piggy had two topological surfaces, } This Klein piggy had one, } And this Klein piggy was constructed in non-Euclidian space } by identifying two ends of a cylindrical surface in the } direction opposite that necessary to obtain a torus. } } Now you'll have to excuse the Oracle. I need to go wee wee. --- 1038-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 9:08 am, 25 July 1998. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } AND YOU WERE THERE.... } } alt.walter.cronkite here, looking back at 9:08 am, 25 July 1998. } } Let's join the supplicant, shall we? } } Supplicant: Man, oh man. I just gotta get digested, I just gotta. } Question, question. I NEED A DAMN QUESTION. Oh fdisk it! } } [ supplicant types in the date, emails it, flips off the terminal and } the turns his computer off. ] } } Supplicant: I ain't ever going to read another digest again in my whole } life! Never! Never I say! } } AND YOU WERE THERE! --- 1038-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O omniscient Oracle, who like Athena sprung fully formed from his > father's head.. > > Please tell me who is better: Harlan Ellison, or Larry Ellison? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh misguided supplicant.. } } Do you call that a grovel? } That is nothing more than an obscure description, I'm afraid I'm not } going to give you a straight answer.. but I won't leave you hanging } completely. } } I know the perfect punishment.. } I'll tack a good grovel on to your wimpy.. whatever-that-was and send } it to some other incarnations. Then YOU can tell ME which ANSWER is } better.. alright? } Oh yes, the irony is beautiful.. } Pay attention now.. it's not every day you get to see the Oracle } grovel. Note the unholy extent of self-bashing! I like 'em that way. } } -------to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu-------- } ---------------------------------------- } > Dear Oracle of orientation most supreme and enlightened.. } > } > To me you are nothing less than the most fabulous and astounding } > being, the likes of which mine eyes have never beheld! You are so } > super-dooper and spiffy, so raz-ma-taz, boombastic and scrumptious! } > Your presence is a grand blessing upon this pitiful universe, and } > your vastness of excellence enbiggens even the smallest of minds.. } > such as my own. I am but a stench-ridden vermin, a vile contemptible } > farce of a creature whose mind cannot comprehend even the simplest } > of your holy thoughts! Your wit is sharper than a samurai blade. } > The explosive humour contained within your dullest utterances are more } > than sufficient to rupture every blood vessel in my tiny useless head, } > in a violent fit of laughter so absurdly loud and ridiculous that } > my sides would split and my pewtrid innards would flow forth from } > the wounds, thus doing the world a great favour in ridding it once } > and for all of my repuslive, inhuman form. I am utterly worthless } > and devoid of value. I wish I could purge myself from the face of } > the earth in a huge rightous ball of terrific fire, but alas, I am } > completely gutless and chicken. I am filth. I am scum. I smell of } > flatulation and am butt-ugly like a troll. I wallow daily in my own } > feces and beg others to deficate in my pit of fecal matter so that } > my life might have some variety. From my lower than lowly vista you } > appear as the unreachable perfection for which I do not even dream } > to strive. You are such a monument of infallible supendousness that } > your eternal and infinitely brilliant light stretches out accross the } > heavenly abyss like a trillion nuclear torches and touches us all, } > deep down to our very hearts and souls! } > YOU ARE SO MIGHTY AND FINE, YOU SHINE LIKE A DIVINE BEACON OF } > HOPE IN MY OTHERWISE HATEFUL LIFE!! } > I AM SO UNWORTHY OF YOUR ATTENTION, SEE HOW STUPID AND LOWLY IS MY } > QUESTION.. } > I ASK IT IN THE HOPE THAT YOUR ANSWER, IF YOU GRANT ONE, WILL SHOCK } > ME SO UTTERLY THAT I SHALL PERISH AND MAKE THE WORLD A CLEANER, MORE } > INTELLIGENT PLACE FOR OTHERS! } > } > O omniscient Oracle, who like Athena sprung fully formed from his } > father's head.. Please tell me who is better: Harlan Ellison, or Larry } > Ellison? } } First Incarnation.. } ------------------------------------ } } Hmmm.. good grovel supplicant, I haven't seen one like that in a dog's } } age! I could do better myself, of course, but then I AM the Oracle! } } The last time I saw such a grovel was centuries ago while I was } } travelling through the area that is now Germany. I came across this } } fine young lad who had been rehearsing his grovel for weeks and weeks! } } Oh yes.. those were the days, sauerkraut, beer, sausages. Now those } } people know how to grovel, but I could never stand all the spitting. } } The arabians were just as bad, if not worse. Funny how languages come } } about, one would suspect that living in the desert would produce a } } more moisture-conserving language than Arabic. } } Anyways.. the answer is Harlan. } } You owe the Oracle a spit-guard for my trips to Egypt. } } Well.. that was a bit of a weak connection there, let's try another.. } } Second Incarnation.. } -------------------------------------- } } Hey! That grovel was too good for a mere mortal? What's going on here? } } OH.. OH.. Oh-no!! Not again! } } I smell a woodch*ck here! } } TRY TO TRICK ME WITH FLATTERY WILL THEY? } } I'LL KILL THEM, KILL THEM ALL.. } } BLAST THEM ALL TO PIECES.. JUST LIKE.. LIKE.. STARSHIP TROOPERS!! } } ZOT!! } } ZOT!! } } This is for the Roughnecks! } } ZOT!! } } ZOT!! } } AAAAAHHHRRRRGGG!!! } } ZOT!! } } ZOT!! And this is for Buenos Aires!! } } ZOT!! } } ZOT!! } } TAKE THAT YOU LOUSY BUGS!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!! } } Well, kind of entertaining, but a bit disturbing huh? You see the } kind of trouble I have to contend with! } Next incarnation.. } } Third Incarnation.. } -------------------------------------- } } What? You mean the Oracle is just other people answering my } } questions!? } } What a jip! I thought the Oracle was real! } } Look buddy.. good grovel and all, but appearently there is } } no 'Internet Oracle', we've all been had!! Don't make the same mistake } } I made. } } Man! When I get a hold of that Kinzler guy... I'm gonna sue his ass } } for false advertizing! } } } } Oh.. and it's Larry Ellison, he's awsome! } } Bloody unbelievers! Kinzler's gonna eat him alive! (figuratively } speaking) There must be some good clear connections out there } somewhere.. let's try this again.. } } Fourth Incarnation.. } --------------------------------------- } } Sear Dupplicant.. } } } } You seem to have made a mig bistake! } } The correct Ellison names are Larlan and Harry. } } And Harry is better because he won't freeze in winter :-) } } } } You owe the Oracle a harry chestwig. } } A little better. Now.. the last time.. } } Fifth Incarnation.. } --------------------------------------- } } ****** } } * 42 * } } ****** } } Aach!! I'm so tired of that one! Douglas Adams is funny the first } couple hundred times, but it really starts to wear thin after a } while! } } Well.. that's all you get. Choose wisely, and next time.. I wanna } see a grovel, I mean a REAL grovel! } } You owe the Oracle one of those BIG green blasting guns from Quake II, } in case I grow tired of the zot staff. --- 1038-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To ZOT or not to ZOT, that is the question; } Whether 'tis nobler in Mine eye } To suffer the nulls and woodchucks of outrageous supplicants, } Or take staff against the mail of Juno, } And by ZOTing, end them. } To ZOT; to answer nulls no more; } And by a Zot to say you end the thousand empty mails } The Net is heir to - 'tis a conflagration devoutly to be wished. } To answer, to ZOT; } To ZOT, perchance to bore; } Aye, there's the rub! } For if I bore the priest, what chance have I } when digests new arrive within my sight, } to see my work? Where's the respect } That makes blessing of such long answers; } For who would bear the jeers and scorn of rhod - } The cascades long, Tom "Tom"'s tomfoolery, } The piercing of unmentionable bodyparts, the newbies eaten, } The tardiness of the priests and the votes } that answers merit in an unworthy digest } when he himself might his scoring fake, } with a "5" flood? } } You owe the Oracle the Complete Works of Shakespeare, with a grovel at } the start and a question mark at the end. --- 1038-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Great one, Your omniprescence fills my every thought. > I long to serve you. I am willing to give up anything and everyting > for you. > > How do I become a priest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are many talents which must be possessed by the priesthood, } supplicant. } } You need patience, to be able to sift through thousands of questions } about woodchucks and still spot the gems between them. } } You need knowledge of the cultures of countries around the world, } so that you don't miss a subtle reference which is hilarious if only } you know a bit about the Ukrainian national dish (lard). } } You need mastery of all languages, dead and alive. Latin, French and } C++ are compulsory for even the basest of priests. English often helps. } } You must know the ins and outs of computing, so as to understand the } many computing references which find their way into questions. } } You must know all television programs and films, English, American } and Belgian. Knowing the scripts of Star Wars, Titanic and everything } by the Marx brothers always helps. } } Finally comes the quality which is most required of potential priests, } the hurdle at which many otherwise worthy entities fall and must } abandon all hope of entering that select group of superhumans known } as the Oracular Priesthood. You must have a huge bundle of cash and } other interesting items with which to bribe the Oracle. I'm not in } this out of the goodness of my heart, after all. } } You owe the Oracle $1,000,000 and the original VT100. Then we'll see } how well you do on the entrance exam. --- 1038-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if it doesn't? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Then we're all doomed. But we can all take some small comfort in the } fact that it's all your fault. --- 1038-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I bow low before the Great Oracle who's thoughtful and often > provocative appraisals of the mortal world should be carved in stone > on every mountain, in every nation! Oracle, Most Wise answer me this; > > The "Discovery Channel Online History" at the following URL: > > http://izzy.online.discovery.com/area/history/messy2/messy2.html > > Praises the Emperor Nero with this line: > > "Still he deserves credit for one thing. He did banish all mimes from > Rome." > > Why has one who hated mimes suffered from so much bad press? > Shouldn't he be hailed as a model for us all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As usual, supplicant, the history books have it about half-right. } The mimes that the short-sighted ruler did away with were actually } part of a specialized courier service. Unlike normal messangers who } simply delivered a scroll or had the message (hopefully) memorized, } mime-encoded messages could include actual re-enactments of the event } described, dramatic characterizations of the message sender, hastily } sketched pictures and other enhancements. Alas, their very success led } to their downfall as the dreaded and inevitable feature-creep appeared. } The presentations grew so elaborate that one message describing a } battle required twenty mimes to deliver, four of whom did not survive } the presentation. Frustrated at the time he spent waiting for the } message to be delivered, the emperor decreed that all messages be sent } in ASCII text and banished the mimes from the city. He paid for this } luddite atitude when a later text-only message failed to distinguish } between "fire" and "horrible conflagration consuming the capital". } } You owe the Oracle two Civilization advances. --- 1038-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Knowledge fills a large brain (such as the Oracle's), but it merely > inflates a small one (such our sad mortal minds). Thank goodness that > the things we know best aren't the things we haven't been taught, for > it means we can learn much from the Great Oracle! > > Are humans the only animals that laugh and weep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, that time when you slipped on the catfood bowl and fell with your } face down in the milk, Tiddles was only choking on a furball. } } You owe The Oracle some hamster sized hankerchiefs. --- 1038-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle? Could you hold please? Mr. Yeltsin will be so happy > to hear we got through to you. Oh here he is now. . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Borrrry! Boar-boar! The Yeltsinator. What's happenin', hot } stuff? } } Boris: You do not be calling me these things! I am important man. I am } Russian leader. You will call me President Yeltsin! } } Oracle: Yeah, yeah, whatever mashes your borscht. So, have you agreed } to my terms? } } Boris: Sigh. Regrettably, the Parliament has agreed to the deal, and I } must agree it is best way to go. Embarrassing as it may be. } } Oracle: So you agree to accept my $60 billion dollar contribution to } prop up your failing stock market? } } Boris: Yes. } } Oracle: And you agree to utilize the $4 billion dollar trust fund I'm } signing over to you to dismantle nuclear weapons and protect existing } enriched uranium supplies? } } Boris: Yes, I said yes! } } Oracle: And what about the bulldozers, cranes, and other industrial } equipment I'm shipping you from Asia for use in strengthening the } Russian infrastructure? } } Boris: Are you deaf? I said we accept! Stop rubbing in. } } Oracle: All right, all right. I can see this is killing you. Do you } want to go ahead and get your "end of the bargain" out of the way? } } Boris: Yes, yes, quickly. The sooner the better. } } Oracle: Okay, get real close to the receiver. Let me just turn this } thing on... Okay, it's running. Start talking...and talk loud, } so the recorder picks it all up. } } Boris: Hello, this is Boris Yeltsin, leader of Russian } republic. Oracle is not home right now...he's too busy rockin' and } rollin' and stayin' cool! Man, that Oracle rules! He could drink me } under the ta...under the table...any...day...of the...NO! I CANNOT DO } IT! I AM PROUD RUSSIAN MAN!! You go to HELL wise Oracle! Russia can } burn for what I care, but DAMMIT I can drink and drink and drink so } much it make your omnipotent head spin! } } Oracle: All right. Suit yourself. Nelson Mandela has agreed to } pose for a digital picture so I can paste his head on a dancing } Hawaiian hula girl on my web page. Gosh, I wonder if his country could } use some empowerment? } } Boris: I can drink and drink and drink and dri... } } Oracle: Oh well. Some people. } } You owe the Oracle 500 shares of Smirnoff, Inc. --- 1038-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle! > You have more answers than a game of Trivial Pursuit! > You are more full of knowledge than a politician is of himself! > You have more fans than a Japanese geisha convention! > > I read the Russians are planning to launch large low-orbiting mirrors, > ostensibly to light up the long polar winter-night with reflected > sunlight; in the future, they'll selectively cancel nighttime all over > the globe. > > Frankly, I don't buy that explanation. I haven't yet figured out _what_ > those huge mirrors are for, though. Spying? Laser weapons? Melting the > polar icecaps? There's got to be a better explanation. Please tell! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After enough mirrors are launched, their movements will be coordinated } to form a giant game of Tetris in the sky. } } You owe the Oracle a good idea for a sacrifice.