From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sun Jul 19 00:10:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA29178; Sun, 19 Jul 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 19 Jul 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199807190510.AAA29178@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1033 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1033 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1033 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 19 Jul 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1033 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1028 97 votes 1epru azwe6 7fCt8 8jumi agFn7 dcooo 7fvwc 9lDl7 8hvjm jCle5 1028 3.1 mean 3.7 2.7 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.4 3.3 3.0 3.3 2.5 --- 1033-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many pinheads can dance on the head of an angel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: Good question supplicant. I think we have everything, Zadoc? } } ZADOC: Yes, Science's Greatest Treasure. Well, except the angel Duma, } who should arrive presently. } } ZIPPY: Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! We're going to a new disco! } } ORACLE: Supplicant, this is Zippy -the- Pinhead and his family, } } PINHEADS{all talking at once}: Xerox your lunch. Did I say I was a } sardine? Will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at } an IRON MAIDEN concert? Come home with me, I have Tylenol!! } } ORACLE: Okay. Now pinheads, listen up. I invited the angel Duma here } today and as soon as he enters the room I want you to throw him } to the ground and see how many of you can dance on his head at } once. } } ZIPPY: Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? } } ZADOC: Most Immortal Bastion of Reason; throw the angel to the ground? } } [ Door opens, Duma enters, nude but genderless in the nature of a doll, } a pair of majestic white wings on his back. Half of the pinheads } stare at Duma, the other half seems to oblivious to his presence. ] } } ZADOC: Welcome to the Temple of The Oracle, Duma, eer, Angel Person. } } [ Duma nods, frowns. ] } } ORACLE: He can't talk, that's why I picked him, see... } } [ The pinheads suddenly bolt towards the angel in mass shouting odd } phrases and gibberish as is their wont. Duma floats upwards out of } reach with no visible sign of any effort, not even the slightest } twitching of his wings. The pinheads mill about under him babbling.] } } PINHEADS: My TIPPER GORE record is BROKEN! I'm in a POTATO field in a } BOX of VELVEETA. Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES } this trip? Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!! } } [ Oracle rubs his chin while contemplating Duma when the ceiling simply } dissolves away effortlessly to become a blue sky with one very large, } very white cloud in it. Duma continues floating upwards towards the } cloud. ] } } PINHEADS: YOW! } } VOICE: ORACLE! Do not trifle with me or mine. } } [ WHAM! The ceiling is restored to its original condition with a } suddenness that leaves them all cold and, quite literally in the } dark.] } } ZIPPY: Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP } in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU! } } ORACLE: Supplicant, seems the answer to your question is; zero. } You owe me. . . } } ZIPPY: PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!! --- 1033-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh boy - It's the Oracle > Not a toy - It's the Oracle > I beg you to tell me > What my future will be > Such Joy - It's the Oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, now *you* can control your own future with "Choose Your Own Life"! } Simply start with paragraph 1, and follow the instructions. } } 1) You are reading an e-mail from the Oracle. Do you: } -- Continue reading your e-mail, then surf the Web for ten hours? } If so, go to paragraph 10. } -- Turn off your computer and go outside? If so, go to paragraph } 5. } } 2) You are sitting around, waiting for your Chinese food to arrive. } Do you: } -- Kill some time surfing the Web? If so, go to paragraph 10. } -- Read a book? If so, go to paragraph 6. } } 3) You are at home. You open the refrigerator and find a three-week } old slice of pizza that has hardened to approximately 7 on the Mohs } scale, and a jar of mustard. Do you: } -- Order some Chinese food? If so, go to paragraph 9. } -- Forget about food and go surf the Web? If so, go to paragraph } 10. } } 4) You are waiting for your Chinese food to arrive. The doorbell } rings. It's the delivery man. You pay for your shrimp lo mein and } give the delivery man your usual chintzy tip. You devour the } shrimp hungrily, then surf the Web before bed, as usual. While } you're waiting for your home page to download, you die of botulism. } Bad shrimp, I guess. The end. } } 5) You are outside. The bright light hurts your beady little eyes. } Strange objects are moving around. Could these be the "people" } you've heard about? You are frightened, yet intrigued. Do you: } -- Talk to one of the people? If so, go to paragraph 12. } -- Retreat to your lair? If so, go to paragraph 3. } } 6) You are looking over your bookshelf. All the books are covered } with thick sheafs of dust from years of disuse. You can barely } make out any of the titles -- the only one even remotely legible is } a book on C++ programming that you already have memorized. As you } blow the dust off the books, you remember that you are, in fact, } allergic to dust. You have a terrible allergy attack, stumbling } blindly around your living room in a sneezing fit until you trip } over the cord to your VCR and crack your head on the sharp corner } of your TV set. You fumble for the phone and try to call 911, but } all you hear is a mechanical buzzing and whirring -- you never } logged off the Internet. Guess you should have sprung for a } separate line after all. Eventually you die from either blood loss } from your head wound, or asphyxiation from your swollen airway due } to your allergies. Not really good news for you either way, sorry. } The end. } } 7) The passerby says, "Gee, I can't tell you what time it is since I } accidentally left my watch in that alley there. Why don't you } follow me in there and I'll be happy to help you." Do you: } -- Follow him into the alley to certain death? If so, go to } paragraph 11, you masochist. } -- Run away from the scary man and go home? If so, go to paragraph } 3. } } 8) The passerby ignores your question and makes a rude and completely } unwarranted remark about your pocket protector. Do you: } -- Feel terribly embarrassed and slink back to the safety of your } home, vowing never again to succumb to the temptation to speak to } another person ever? If so, go to paragraph 3. } -- Say, "You, sir, are a scoundrel and I challenge you to a duel in } yonder alley"? If so, go to paragraph 11. } } 9) You are on the phone, ordering Chinese food. Do you order: } -- Shrimp lo mein? If so, go to paragraph 4. } -- Chicken chow fun? If so, go to paragraph 2. } } 10) You are surfing the web. Soon all other aspects of life fade in } importance to you as you surrender to the siren call of newsgroups } upon newsgroups, hotlinks without end. You feel faint pangs of } hunger, but think to yourself, "I'll eat right after I finish } reading the entire archive of articles from 'Suck', following } *every single link*, even the ones that aren't funny or } interesting, which is most of them." Maybe the doorbell rings, } maybe it doesn't. You probably couldn't hear it over your loud } cackling over "Dilbert" anyway. Soon, you die from malnutrition } and sleep deprivation. The end. } } 11) As you follow the man into the alley, certain aspects of his attire } that you hadn't previously noticed -- his "Born to Fold, Spindle, } and Mutilate" tattoo, the rifle strapped to his leg, the bolts in } his neck -- slowly begin to filter their way into your } consciousness. You begin to reconsider your actions, stammering, } "Um, I'll be right back, I left my scientific calculator on," but } he blocks your exit from the alleyway with his formidable bulk. No } one hears your cries for help as he mercilessly practices for his } chiropractic exam upon your frail body. As he straightens your } spine, which you had thought permanently curved from years of } sitting hunched over your keyboard, with a firm, practiced squeeze, } you decide that you can't take anymore and slip out of his grasp } faster than the baby alien coming out of that guy's stomach, } running heedlessly into traffic. As you pause to catch your } breath, you notice a city bus bearing down on you at top speed. } Just as it's about to hit you though, a giant roc grabs you in its } claws and flies you to its nest high on the side of a canyon, where } it intends on feeding you to its chicks. Terrified of their gaping } mouths, you squirm about in the claws of the great black bird as it } approaches its eyrie, and manage to escape its grasp. } Unfortunately you are still over the canyon when you do this, and } as you plummet thousands of feet, you suddenly acquire the power of } flight. The power of flight is new to you, however, and you have } little control over it, so you keep running into things. } Eventually, you clonk your head on the underside of a bridge and } knock yourself unconscious. When you come to, you realize that you } have fallen into a river and that you are underwater. Rapidly } running out of air, you struggle to reach the surface, but your } foot is caught under a rock. At the last possible moment you } evolve and develop gills. Breathing water with ease, you free your } foot from the rock and swim out of the river. Whew! What an } exciting day! You decide to go home and relax with a little } Web-surfing. -- Go to paragraph 10. } } 12) You approach a passerby, attempting to ignore the contemptuous look } he is giving the "Star Trek" insignia you are wearing on your } lapel. Do you say: } -- "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?" If so, go to } paragraph 7. } -- "So, who was a better starship captain, Kirk or Picard?" If so, } go to paragraph 8. } } Hmm, doesn't look very good for you, supplicant. Ah well. } } You owe the Oracle an "Oh my god, they killed the supplicant! You } bastards!" T-shirt. --- 1033-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh great Oracle, whose divine knowledge and inspired > eloquence is the ambrosia of my days, whose presence in my > inbox makes my heart pound like a schoolboy viewing his first > naked pictures... > > What exactly IS the difference between 6 of one, and half-dozen of > the other? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Come closer, Supplicant. } } Supplicant: [timidly] Are you going to hurt me? } } Oracle: Of course not. Come closer. } } [Supplicant creeps slowly forward]. } } Oracle: Which would you prefer, six of these Hershey's kisses, or half } a dozen of those raw chicken livers? } } Supplicant: [slightly nauseated] The chocolate. } } Oracle: Right! Here you go! [Hands Supplicant 6 Hershey's kisses]. } What do we learn from this? } } Supplicant: I prefer six of one? } } Oracle: No, let's try again. Would you like six kisses from Nancy } Reagan, or a half-dozen kisses from Cindy Crawford. } } Supplicant: [hopeful] Cindy Crawford! } } Oracle: Right again! [Cindy Crawford appears, gives the Supplicant 6 } sisterly kisses (3 on each cheek), then disappears] } } Oracle: Now, what have we learned here? } } Supplicant: Sometimes I prefer a half-dozen of the other? } } Oracle: Better, but not quite right. Final lesson: Would you prefer } six of these [punches the Supplicant once with the left hand] or a half } dozen of these [punches the Supplicant once with the right hand]? } } Supplicant: [bruised, grumbling, but not really hurt] It doesn't } matter. } } Oracle: What was that again? } } Supplicant: IT DOESN'T MATTER! } } Oracle: By George, I think you've got it! Here ya go! [Supplicant } winces. Oracle gives the Supplicant some aspirin]. What else have we } learned? } } Supplicant: That the Oracle can be a malicious son-of-a-[censored] when } he wants to be. } } Oracle: Right again! Smartest Supplicant I've had in weeks. } } You owe the Oracle six Hershey's kisses, half a dozen kisses from Cindy } Crawford, and nothing else. --- 1033-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Solve the Crime #72: > > The report says that Truth and Falsehood went bathing; > Falsehood came first out of the water, and dressed herself in > Truth's garments. Truth, unwilling to take those of Falsehood, went > naked. > > Is the Truth still naked? What had Falsehood -been- wearing? > What kind of clothes did Truth have stolen? Is Falsehood still > wearing Truth's threads? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Rustle, rustle . . .] Ah, here it is -- the police report: } } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } Date: Days of Yore Time: 9:32 PM } } Name of Complainant: Veracity Q. Truth } } Nature of Complaint: Accusation of petty theft by Mendacia Falsehood } (see below) } } Details and notes: } } Ms. Truth alleges that during a private moment with Ms. Falsehood, } her long-term companion, an argument broke out (about Ms. } Falsehood's alleged relationship with one Fama Rumor, K.C.B.). Ms. } Falsehood allegedly got out of the tub they were in at the time, put } on the clothing Ms. Truth had been wearing previously, and left } their Greenwich Village apartment. Ms. Truth reports that, after } recovering from the shock of her friend's sudden departure, she got } out of the tub herself, and came directly to the police station, } nude. (Her exact words: "The b**** took all my clothes, and I } wouldn't touch anything of *hers* now if she begged me.") } } [Officer's note: After calming down, Ms. Truth accepted a } rain poncho lent to her by Sgt. Consideration.] } } Ms. Truth wishes to press charges against Ms. Falsehood for the } alleged theft of the following items: } } 1) The Blouse of Honesty (blue poplin) } 2) The Slacks of Sincerity (khaki) } 3) The Brassiere of Probity (white silk) } 4) The Undergarment of Candor (cotton, floral pattern) } 5) The Shoes of Frankness (brown, low heel) } 6) One pair of socks "of no metaphysical significance" } } [Officer's note: After registering her complaint, and offering } to take a lie-detector test (no polygraph machine was available), } Ms. Truth telephoned a friend (Ms. Hyperbole M. Exaggeration -- } see attached sheet for contact information), with whom she said } she will be staying "for a few days, till I cool off". } } Ms. Exaggeration arrived while Ms. Truth was in the rest room; } when the situation was explained to her, she laughed and told } Officer Attention: "It's only the thousandth tiff like this } they've had. 'A few days,' my a** -- a million bucks says } they're back finishing that bath by this time tomorrow."] } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a beer at the Meow Mix. --- 1033-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who always knows where the TV remote is, > > What would a Red Dwarf/Babylon 5 crossover be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~ } } Bar the doors! } } Leave the lights on! } } IT WILL NOT DIE AND IT'S IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD! } } -x-x-x-x-x- The Crossover Question That Would Not Die! -x-x-x-x-x- } } Coming way too soon to a queue near you. } } not recommended for mature audiences } } A "lost remote" Production } } (c) 1998 } } ++~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+ --- 1033-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please Pick Three: > > Leonardo Da Vinci > Sir Arthur Conan Doyle > Jules Verne > William Shakespeare > Sir Issac Newton > Galieo > Werner Van Braun > Jane Austen > Aaron Burr > Albert Einstein > Alexander the Great > Annie Oakley > Copernicus > Douglas Mac Arthur > Edgar Allen Poe > Indra Ghandi > Jane Goodall > Joan of Arc > Joesph Stalin > Jonas Salk > Julius Caesar > Katherine the Great > Copernicus > Douglas Mac Arthur > Edgar Allen Poe > Indra Ghandi > Jane Goodall > Joan of Arc > Joesph Stalin > Jonas Salk > Julius Caesar > Katherine the Great > Louis Pasteur > Mao Tse-Tung > Marget Thatcher > Marie Curie > Mark Twain > Mary Leakey > Mary Queen of Scots > Orville Wright > Percivel Lowell > Richard Nixon > Ronald Regean > Rudyard Kipling > Siddhartha Guatama > Neil Armstrong And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: ... You owe fifteen still-warm woodchuck eardrums. Next } question, let's see... } } *reads through list* } } Great scott! Zadoc! Hoi, Zadoc! Attend me now, worm! } } *Zadoc runs in, and in a perfectly executed move, falls to the ground } face-first at the exact moment his forward momentum ceases* } } Zadoc: You called, oh great one, whose splendiferousness is } unequalled, whose... } } O: We don't have time for that now. It seems Professor Moriarty is } going to try to assassinate three key figures in history. } } Z: Forgive me for asking, oh wisest of the wise, but how... } } O: He has sent us a list of historical figures. From the inclusion of } Sir Arthur Conan Doyle on the second line, we derive his identity. } Remember, Moriarty was an expert on binomial theory. Moreover, his } plot is made crystal clear by the name directly beneath: Jules Verne. } To the time transference booths, and quickly! } } *The tale of the capture of Moriarty is further chronicled in The } Adventure of the Red Siamese Fighting Herring. For brevity, we now } skip to the closing page.* } } Moriarty: Good show, Oracle. Since I will be spending time in prison, } I don't suppose you would tell me exactly how you figured out which } three to protect. } } Z: Yes, oh mighty-minded one, how did you do it? } } O: Observation and deduction, my good sir. You included twelve names } starting with J, but five were duplicates. It was child's play to } deduce that Julius Caesar was one of the three, because his name } doesn't even start with a J. It starts with an I, as J had not been } invented at that time. Your attempt on Mark Twain was even easier to } detect, partly because of his given name, Samuel Clemens, but mostly on } account of his writings. You despised them, loathed them. Your highly } educated mind could not stand the way he twisted the American dialect } to his needs. } } Z: But what about the attempt on Albert Einstein, oh he whose } fingernails are perfectly trimmed and buffed in a somehow purely } masculine manner? } } O: *chuckles* The third attempt was the most obvious yet. Moriarty } despises puns, and if he succeded, he would not have to hear the one } that is coming up. What did Einstein flunk out of? } } Z: *light finally dawns* Oh, you mean... } } O: Yes. Elementary, dear Zadoc, elementary. } } M: *groans as if in pain* } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Moriarty's diary, detailing how he escaped } from his fall over the Falls, his discovery of a temporal dislocation } machine, and two hundred bags of Hain White Cheddar Mini Rice Cakes } from before they were discontinued. Time travel gives me such an } appetite. --- 1033-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most splendidly audacious Oracle; > > Over in rec.arts.books.tolkien they think they have finally solved the > problem of how to find enough "little" people to play the hobbits in a > Lord of the Rings film; hire the NBA to play everyone that's not a > hobbit. > > What do you think? Will it work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you would of course be referring to the doomed "Bored of the Rings" } movie. I think the best way to show you it's shortcomings is a short } clip: } } Frodo: Strider! Strider! Can you sing us a song? } Strider (Played by Hakeem Olajuwon): [picks up harp, *strum* {slightly } flat}] Oh Elerbret! Oh Gamalel ... } Frodo: Err, Excuse me for interrupting, Strider, but I thought the song } went [*strum* {perfect pitch}] } A Elbereth Gilthoniel! } silivren penna mM-Lriel } o menel aglar elenath! } Na-chaered palan-dM-Lriel } o galadhremmin ennorath, } Fanuilos, le linnathon } nef aear, sM-L nef aearon! } Strider: Oh ... [shrug] ... could be. } } Possibly the best scene in the movie at that. It is a very painful } movie to watch. The only redeeming quality was seeing Dennis Rodman aka } "the worm" play Gollum. Verrrry convincing, precioussss. } } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Snow White and the seven dwarves, starring } Rebecca Lobo. --- 1033-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle who could rent a car with his bare hands if he so wished > to do so, please answer my question; > > How does one care for a paper tiger? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Paper Tiger (tigra papayra) is an endangered species, hunted } to near extension by it's natural predator Scissors, and by also by } Man, who does unspeakable atrocities to it in the name of "recycling". } I have never heard a more hideous euphemism for shredding a living } being (they don't even bother to kill them first most of the time), } mashing the tiny pieces of its corpse into a pulp, spreading it flat } to dry, and then selling it as newsprint or packaging material. } } If you are currently in possession of a Paper Tiger, please turn } yourself in at the nearest branch of the Fish and Wildlife Service. } } Should you encounter one in the wild, please observe only from a } distance, as it is a rather delicate animal. Any contact you make, } or even if you startle it so that it bumps into something, could } cause it to receive an injury. Even a minor cut or tear will } eventually spread and destroy the animal. Specially trained } veterinary units equipped with tape can save some, but not all of } these noble beasts. } } Under no circumstances should you try to restrain a Paper Tiger with } paper clips or staples. This will injure the tiger and it will attack, } leaving you with some seriously nasty paper cuts. } } You owe the Oracle product packaging free from recycled Paper Tigers. --- 1033-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It is I once again, the forlorn owl salesman. I've tried selling owls > in Athens, and it's like coals to Newcastle, nobody is interested. > Perhaps you can suggest what I should do. All these hungry owls. You > are a wise person. Would you like to buy a pair of them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are in the wrong business at the wrong time, though it -was- a nice } touch taking the owls to Athens, I'm sure Athena smiled at that. } } See owls represent wisdom, stoic virtues and an ability to work } alone. None of the attributes of modern man. I say let the owls go and } go into a line of pets that today's humans can identify with, like, } say..., gimme a second...squirrels? No, squirrels prepare for the } future by saving. Cows? Dumb and happy as long as they have food and... } oh dear; productive. Hmm, well two outta three. . . Wood ticks? } } I'll get back to you. --- 1033-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knows every password ever typed, > > I thought it might be cool if I could hack into God's computer and > start up world peace and prosperity. It would help if I knew its > address and what operating system it's running.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He doesn't have that program anymore. We had to take it off to make } room for Earthquake 9.9, -had- made backups, but then they got } overwritten by mistake. World Peace was a boring game anyway. } You should see the cool Earthquake tha The Big Guy has planned for } August. Wow. I'd stay clear of Mexico City if I was a human. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of jello.