From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri May 22 11:34:34 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id LAA12981; Fri, 22 May 1998 11:34:34 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 11:34:34 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199805221634.LAA12981@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1021 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1021 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1021 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 11:34:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1021 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1016 84 votes 3fAp5 5hxn6 crtc4 3fspd 8fklk 58fwo csu77 elkja hkqh4 fpw93 1016 3.0 mean 3.2 3.1 2.6 3.4 3.4 3.7 2.6 2.9 2.7 2.5 --- 1021-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I fall out of love with a great girl that I cannot be with? > > _____________________________________________________________________ > You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. > Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com > Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A Juno supplicant, eh? I *could* make this another "oh boy you juno } people are stupid and we feel so much better than you because we have } real internet access so there" answers, but I've decided to be nice. } This time. } } Lemme read your question ... } } Hmmm ... no grovel ... well, I said was going to be nice, and not give } in to the cliche' juno-bashing, so I'll overlook this flagrant breach } of etiquette ... } } > How do I fall out of love with a great girl that I cannot be with? } } Right, I've been toying with this idea for a while, and this is } the last drop. As of now, the Internet Oracle is splitting in two } parts. I have been receiving too many "Dear Abby" questions lately, so } I'm delegating this kind of supplicants to "Dear Zadoc". ZADOC! You're } on! } } [Zadoc] } } Zadoc: Hullo Dear Supplicant, how may I be of service? } } Supplicant: How do I fall out of love with a great girl that I cannot } be with? } } Zadoc: What's this, no grovel?! YOU PATHETIC FOOL! YOU MORONIC PIECE OF } TOECHEESE! YOU ARE NOT FIT TO LICK MY TOILETBOWL AFTER A BAD CASE OF } BURRITO INDUCED DIARRHEA! WORM! EAT MY STAFF OF ZOT!! } } } [a pile of ashes lies smoking where the supplicant used to be, Zadoc is } panting and sweating hard, a trail of drool is running down his chin, } his eyes are shifting back and forth rapidly] } } Zadoc: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE POWER! THE RAW, INCREDIBLE POWER! } MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!! } } Oracle: Oh dear, multiple exclamation marks ... I don't think he's } quite ready for this job. Oh Zadoc! } } Zadoc: What do you want, you filthy grub! [pant pant] } } Oracle: Zadoc, drop the staff ... } } Zadoc: Never! Muhahahahaha! Stay away from me or I'll shoot! } } Oracle: Come on Zadoc, you don't really want to zot me, I'm your } friend, the Oracle, remember? } } Zadoc: Oracle? Remember? I have the POWER! I don't need to remember } anything! } } Oracle: Zadoc, if you don't drop the staff right now, your rubber ducky } gets it! [holds up a rubber bath-type ducky, knife to its neck] } } Zadoc: Ducky! Let him go! Don't hurt him! If you hurt my ducky, I'll } zot you! } } Oracle: Just drop the staff Zadoc, and I promise you can have your } ducky back. I'll even let you go take a long bath with it ... } } Zadoc: Ducky ... staff ... ducky ... staff ... ducky! } [He drops the staff, rushes over to the Oracle and takes the rubber } duck. He cradles it to his chest and cuddles it while talking softly to } it in a reassuring tone of voice. The Oracle calmly saunters over to } the staff, picks it up and uses the precision settings to zot the } rubber ducky into ashes. Zadoc doubles up in agony, goes into shock and } starts sucking his thumb, mumbling "mommy ... mommy .." over and over } again] } } Oracle: "filthy grub" indeed. Psah! } } You owe the Oracle some unnecessary cruelty. --- 1021-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #! /usr/bin/perl -w > > $maxfork = 2**64; # Need to fork a lot to escape attrition > $forknum = 0; > > # Spawn maxfork copies of myself for grovelling. > > while (($forknum < $maxfork) and fork) {}; > > (`/usr/local/bin/grovel --profuse --recipient='oracle@cs.indiana.edu'`) > or die ('Grovel failed -- ZOT!'); > > # Spawn maxfork copies ((maxfork - number zotted)*maxfork in total now) > > while (($forknum < $maxfork) and fork) {}; > > # Nail the sucker with a load of woodchuck questions! That'll teach > # him to tell me to get a life! > > exec (mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu -S="tellme" << EOT > Oracle most wise, > how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? > EOT) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } root@temple # cd /usr/bin } root@temple # mv perl /usr/local/bin/ } root@temple # logout } } Hehehe. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Camel book. --- 1021-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Excuse me, you seem to have dropped your staff. (Reaches down, picks > up Staff of ZOT.) That's funny. What does this button do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who'd have thought he'd } find the self-destruct on the first try? } >zot< } } } You owe the Oracle a new staff, preferably all gorgeous blondes. --- 1021-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > Do your priests were special uniforms? If I saw one on the > street how would I recognize them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's one way to find out. This is Steve Kinzler here. As you might } guess from someone who has created The Oracle, I choose my priests in } a rather, shall we say, unusual way. I give them one chance, only one } chance, and they either take that chance, or they ruin it. This is your } chance. Do you want to be a priest, do you want to know all the inside } jokes? Do you want to see the extremely funny jokes that are too } obscene for the digest? If so, think carefully. } } Basically, to become a priest, I make you humiliate yourself. } Publically. In the newsgroup. You have to repeat something I tell you, } a key sentence, word for word. } } Your key word is "I've got a whole collection of nude pix that I've } collected from websites on my home page. Cum and have a look, you } won't be disappointed." } } And no, don't think you can outfox me by putting it into a context that } makes it not embarrassing. You must put it in, as is, with the meaning } as is, and accept any flaming that you may get. } } If you look through the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d, you'll find that } every one of my priests has posted something equally stupid to the } newsgroup a short while before becoming a priest. It's like an } initiation ceremony. } } Once I see the post, I'll add you to the priests lists, and set up } the software to send you Oracularities for selection or deletion. } But, you must post without doubting. If I see any sign that you're } doubting, or asking if this is true, then say goodbye to the } priesthood. } } Oh, and you have to tell me the names of the people who complain that } they can't find the pix. } } You have seven days. And no, you can't become a priest later on by } some other means. This is it, your one chance. } } Gad, I'm evil, aren't I. } } Join us. } } Steve Kinzler. --- 1021-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o/` one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. two can be as bad > as one; it's the loneliest number since the number one, ohhh o/` And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are you a lonely number? Do you need a binary operator to get you } together with another number? Do you dream of finding your complex } conjugate? Now you can, for FREE! For a limited time, the Matrix } Hotline is offering a special, FREE, one-time trial! Call now, this } offer ends soon! For a limited time, you can be put in a matrix with } at least fifteen other numbers, where you will be FREE to add, } multiply, and just plain conjugate with all the numbers there. All for } FREE. Please have a major credit card ready. } } Here's what numbers are saying everywhere: } } 5 (formerly -5): "It changed my sign! Now I'm much more positive!" } pi : "It turned my world round!" } e : "It felt natural!" } i : "Before i called the Matrix Hotline, even my friends thought i was } imaginary. But on the Hotline i got together with some REAL } numbers, and now my social life is complex!" } 4 : "I used to be lonely as a perfect square, but on Matrix Hotline met } irrational and imaginary numbers, and now I know everyone is a } square! And 6 and 28 showed me what being perfect *really* means! } Those guys sure can sum their factors!" } } Call now! This special offer ends soon! We have infinitely many prime } numbers waiting to meet you. All for FREE! You owe the Oracle your } Visa/MasterCard/AMEX number! --- 1021-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, no, another question written in invisible electrons. Harrumph. } "Zadoc!" } } SFX: Slamming of doors, crashing of boxes, heavy panting. } } "Yes, oh wisest of the wise?" } } "I have an invisible message here. Take this monitor and squeeze some } lemon juice on it, and then hold it over a candle until the message } appears." } } "Right away." } } "And use fresh lemons, mind you." } } "Absolutely, sir." } } "And no citronella candles, either, they stink up the place." } } "Right." } } "Now, begone!" } } [Later...] } } Hmm, wonder what's taking him so long...I'm tired of recomputing pi to } the e. "Zadoc!" } } SFX: As before. } } "At your service, he-whose-nose-is-worshipped-by-all-rhinoplasty- } practitioners." } } "Well, worm, were you able to decipher the message?" } } "Oh, yes, it was actually quite interesting! It seems this fellow is } being followed by CIA agents, so he couldn't send his query by normal } means...it seems he accidentally saw some documents he shouldn't have, } and black helicopters have been chasing him for days! He eluded them } by hiding in a steamer trunk for three days, but they're on his trail } again, and he's running out of money, so now he wants to know how he } can escape and lead a normal life again!" } } "Hmm, quite dramatic. How was his grovel?" } } "Oh, well, um...he was probably in a bit of a hurry, you know, what } with the death nipping at his heels and all..." } } "No grovel?" } } "Well, there was _sort_ of a grovel, I mean, it wasn't very good, but } surely we could overlook that under the circumstances..." } } "I'm waiting." } } "Um...his grovel was basically...'Dear Oracle'. You see? He considers } you very _dear_ to his heart! Right?" } } "Your generosity of spirit is admirable, yet pathetic, Zadoc. You know } and I know that his grovel just isn't sufficient. Still, clearly he } needs some advice. Very well--let Og answer him." } } "As you wish." } } [Later...] } } >Og say hit bad men many time with spiky club! If lose spiky club then } >run like girl from bad men, hide in cave, play dead. Og have spoken. --- 1021-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. T. I. Oracle, > > If your enclosed personal special number comes up in our random draw, > we will say to you, MR. T. I. ORACLE, YOU WIN $10,000,000.00!!!!* > > But we can't do it alone! Oh no, it's not nearly that easy... what, > you think we're just giving this large sum of money away without > making you work for it? Of course not, stupid!!! > > In order for you to win the 10 MILLION DOLLAR PRIZE two things must > first occur: > > First, your enclosed personal special magical mystery number must > come up in our special non-fat asbestos-free environmentally friendly > random number drawing which will be supervised by a young Buddhist > eunuch named Harvey and Mr. J. Erwin Spudlicker of the accounting > firm Price Waterhouse. > > Second, you must return the enclosed super-absorbent new-and-improved > low-sugar high-fibre non-toxic pizza-flavoured envelope, with your > enclosed personal special magical mystery lucky transcendental > luminous orgasmic number in the envelope, along with the names, > addresses, and phone numbers of everyone you know and several people > you don't know so we can sign you all up for AS&S Friends, Enemies & > Strangers Long Distance Service immediately.** > > And just in case we didn't mention it, the second thing must occur > first, and then the first thing can occur second, after the second > thing has already occurred. > > So remember, MR. T. I. ORACLE, act soon, because this offer is good > only in a limited window of space-time that will end at our discretion! > Good luck, Mr. Oracle, and please hurry or else you will miss this > once in a lifetime opportunity!*** > > Whaddya say about that, Mr. Oracle? > > Sincerely, > > Bolivian Family Publishing House Sweepstakes, Inc. > > * to be paid in monthly instalments of $14.50 for a period of 57,471 > years and 3 months, and then a final instalment of $2.50, payments > ceasing on the death of the prizewinner > ** inclusion of names, addresses or phone numbers of any third parties > in sweepstakes entry constitutes authorization to cancel current > long distance services for those people/addresses/phone numbers and > subscribe same to AS&S Friends, Enemies & Strangers Long Distance > Service at a rate corresponding to 277% of the normal long distance > rate for said service > *** failure to respond immediately to this mailing constitutes > permission to bombard your address with future mailings at the rate > of 1 per week, starting next week and increasing exponentially until > the world paper shortage crisis hits And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hold on a second, can't you see I'm on the phone? } } [Yes, that's great, John. If they're ready to sign, I am. Just let me } fax it through... Okay, great talking to you. Bye.] } } Where were we? Ah, yes. Your amazing offer. It will no doubt interest } you to know that your company has just this minute been bought out by } Oracle Holdings PLC. As a result, all employees responsible for sending } junk mail to omniscient beings of any sort are in for a bit of a rough } ride. } } Of course, Oracle Holdings PLC believes in full employment, so your job } is safe with us. However, you are being transferred to a new department } in another subsiduary company: Artistic Supplies Ltd. } } We hope you will enjoy your new job. } } You owe the Oracle nothing. Just be sure you're not late for your first } day as a nude model at the North Polar open-air art institute. --- 1021-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What fresh new hell is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's new improved Pine-Scented Hell! 25 percent fresher than the } leading soul incarceration center, new Pine-Scented Hell does away } with the pesky smell of burnt flesh, cited by top demons as the leading } cause of job dissatisfaction. Now you can enjoy the tortured screams } of the damned while you're surrounded by the invigorating aroma of a } lush mountain forest! So sharpen your pitchfork -- and breathe deep! } (Also available in Potpourri and Lemon.) } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the collected Dorothy Parker. --- 1021-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why doesn't this stupid school computer have arrow keys or the > ins/del/home/end/pgup/pgdn block? And it only has 10 Function keys! > and only ONE alt and only ONE ctrl and it's switched places with > CAPS LOCK! Aiieeeee!!! > > Oracle most asciish, please explain! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now listen to me youngster, with all yer whinin' 'bout "Oh, I don't } have a key here" and "Oh, where's THAT key" and "Oh no, I can't find } an arrow key!" You aughter' feel LUCKY you got so many dagnabbin' } keys on yer keyboard! Why, I recall the days when I first started } using cormputers and we dinnt have NEAR so many keys on our keyboards. } Why we dinnt have none 'O them fancy-schmancy FUNCTION keys, and we } dinnt have none 'O them frilly-panty-wearin' CURSOR keys, and dinnt } have none 'O them thar' waistcoat-sportin' seegar-smokin' KEYPAD } keys neither! No we damn hell dinnt! } } Why when I first started usin' a cormputer we had just ONE dagnabbin' } key! And it was a ZERO key. So lemme tall ya sonny-boy, it wern't } easy tryin' ta' write up them thar RESEARCH papers and whatnot just } usin' a ZERO key (Why, it wern't for nigh on sev'n years a'fore } we finally gots ourselves a ONE key yer gum-chewin' baseball-card } cerllectin' pansy!) and I ain't even gonna get STARTED on the } PROGRAMS we hadda write back then. (A game just in'nt all that fun } when all yer gets is a big ZERO on the screen and you just keep hittin' } ZERO ter shoots ZEROS at it until the ZERO goes away and the screen } lights up with ZEROS and then it comes back later and yer starts all } over again, and NOBODY never got a score HIGHER than _ZERO_! *huff* } *puff* Yer gonna gimme a heart-attack I swear it yer little knee-bitin' } paper-hat-wearin' hoodlum!) } } So next time yer feel like complainin' 'bout not havin' none 'O } them FANCY NANCY KEYS on yer keyboard, just feel lucky you got ANY } keys a'tall! Thanks ter hard workin' folks like myself who SWEATED } and SLAVED THEIR YOUTH away just so you ingrates nowadays can have } an extra function key or two (that you never even USE may I add, yer } glue-sniffin' telephone-stealin' punks!) and all yer can do is WHINE } 'bout it and yer dinnt even give me a good grovel! Why I'm of half } a mind ter get outs my ZOT staff and give ya' a good wallop like yer } pappy aughter'a done long time ago. 'ceptin I don't remember where } I left it.... } } And I ain't no ASCII neither. I'm EBCDIC. (Cain't even get THAT } straight these good-fer-nothin' hog-dog-peelin' little cat stuffers!) } } You owe the Oracle an 'ANY' Key and the knowabouts where he done put } his false teeth. --- 1021-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Did scrolls have any advantages over the way we now-a-days > bind written material into books? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, yes, supplicant! They enormously simplified the task of copying } or scanning documents. All you needed to do was to feed one end } of your scroll into the machine and minutes later you would have a } duplicate ready, or a copy stored in the machine. And you could fax } a whole book with no difficulty! No need to unbind books or reports! } No need to use sheetfeeders prone to jamming if you use the wrong } paper! } } Why, my good friends Xeroxes the Greek and Gestetner of the Germanic } tribes both campaigned long and hard against the introduction of the } bound book, but were eventually unsuccessful. The collapse which } resulted when traditional office technology could no longer deal with } the new formats, coupled with the year 0 problem, led to the fall of } the Roman Empire, the Dark Ages and Microsoft. } } You owe the Oracle an upgrade path from UNIVAC to Windows 98.