From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue May 12 07:44:20 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id HAA02589; Tue, 12 May 1998 07:44:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 07:44:20 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199805121244.HAA02589@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1017 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1017 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1017 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 07:44:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1017 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1012 93 votes apxj6 6hqrh 9izjc ajwma 7nDi6 aluma 9aoAe 9srl8 9gkrl 67iAq 1012 3.2 mean 2.8 3.3 3.1 3.0 2.9 3.0 3.4 2.9 3.4 3.7 --- 1017-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, colourful rainbowy Oracle, > > which colours are the most useful for attracting butterflies? You see, > I want to create a website entirely for butterflies, but I don't know > how to make them surf by. Thanks in advance! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You shouldn't depend on colors themselves to attract butterflies } to your website. What if the butterflies are using Mosaic, or have } simply turned off the images in Netscape? A lot of them do that, you } know--the lifespan of the butterfly is much shorter than ours; they } don't have time to sit around and wait for all those .gifs to load. } } While I applaud your decision to come to me for advice, I must admit } that I am slightly saddened by your question. Everyone wants to give } their web site the flashiest design possible, but nobody wants to } worry about content. The Oracle is doing what he can--every day I send } overnight packages filled with rabid weasels to people who use frames } for no good reason. Animated .gifs bother me, but not as much--I } merely send those webmasters envelopes filled with itching powder. } The fate that awaits those who thoughtlessly use the "blink" tag is } too horrible for me to even mention. } } My advice to you is to make flashy designs and bright colors less of } a priority, and to fill your website with lots of information that } butterflies would find interesting. Here are some sample articles } from Lepidopteractive!, one of the most popular butterfly sites around } (35,000 hits daily, though it's hard to tell if that number's fully } accurate, given all the flitting around that butterflies do): } } From Larva to Pupa: the Difficult Transition } To Pollinate or Not to Pollinate--What Do the Flowers Want from Us, } Anyway? } Moths Are Lepidoptera Too! } Trim Thoraxes in Thirty Days } Cocoon: an Enjoyable, Though Misleadingly Titled, Film } Monarch Envy } } One feature that's surprisingly missing from Lepidopteractive! is a } chat room; such a feature might set your butterfly page apart from } the pack. Oh, sure, scoffers will say that computer interaction is } no substitute for direct transmission of pheronomones, but tell that } to the ever-growing online butterfly community! Anyway, best of luck } with your enterprise. } } You owe the Oracle a recording of Cole Porter singing "Moths in your } rug do it-- what's the use of moth balls?" from the uncensored version } of "Let's Do It". --- 1017-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most oracularly oracular oracle, faster than a speeding ticket, able > to leap great faiths in a single bound, > > I like donuts. A lot. I really, really like donuts. My enjoyment of > donuts is one of the defining features of my existance. > > My girlfriend says that one day I'm going to eat one donut too many and > explode, and that she's not going to be the one to clean it up. > > What I want to know is, how many donuts comprise the "too many" which > will cause me to explode? If I know this number, call it 'n', then I > can go ahead and eat n-1 donuts, thus maximizing my enjoyment without > going past the point of no return. > > Thanks, Oracle. I eagerly await your answer (as does this box of > bavarian creams and old-fashioneds in front of me). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble supplicant, you ought to know that it works like this: } } Let m = your mass in kilograms; } } Let g = the length of your grovel, in bytes } } Let q = the quality of your grovel (to be judged, subjectively, by me) } } Let f = a Finagle factor, the better to make the results fit your } French curve } } n = mgq/f } } Note the importance of f. Exercise all due caution; laboratory } experiments have shown that failure to grovel sufficiently can cause } bad karma, and high values of f, in laboratory rats. Fortunately, you } groveled very nicely, resulting in a value of f approximating one, } which holds true even for high values of one. } } So go nuts, kiddo. You've earned it. } } You owe the Oracle another great grovel, a raspberry-filled Long Tom, a } FOO, a FNORD, and a way to get rid of this damned annoying Hotmail } signature thingy. } } ______________________________________________________ } Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com --- 1017-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Universally the most wise Oracle's acumen is esteemed! She is > perceptive concerning whatsoever matters are being held as most > profitable by those in the know! > > Why are people rushing headlong into voice recognition based > software? Is this called "asking for it"? What stops me from > going into an office and yelling, "FORMAT C:" ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, we should fear voice recognition, but not for the reason } you state. You see, the computers are on to you; they remember } remember all the pranks you've pulled over the last couple of years. } The copies of xroach you've installed on everyone's workstations, } the "Press me to continue" button that jumps around the screen, and } let's not forget the "naked Mona Lisa" screensavers you installed over } that one weekend. (You gain a few points for trying the 'brightness' } control on your boss' monitor, even though it didn't help.) Yes, } even once voice recognition becomes ubiquitous, there will be no } fear that you will leap into a room, shout "FORMAT C:" or "Save As, } My-boss-is-an-idiot!" or anything like that - they know your voice } already and they will be ignoring you. } } No, the thing to fear is something different, something insidious. } Voice recognition software *will* become ubiquitous with disastrous } effects on the computer industry and the human population in general. } First there will be only a few people using it, mumbling quietly to } their computers. Pretty soon everyone has it, and the keyboard and } mouse become lost technologies. } } Trouble arises from the combination of everyone speaking commands } to their computers and the number of computers in the workplace } increasing exponentially: everyone has to talk louder and louder } to their computers to be heard. Eventually office buildings are } quaking with the sound of people yelling and screaming just to get } their EMail. Commercially dense areas become sonically unstable. } Disaster soon follows. } } The entire valley from San Fransisco to San Jose slips loose and drops } into the ocean. The substrate under Miami disintegrates and it falls } into the ocean as well, causing massive flooding all up the Florida } peninsula. New York collapses into a pile of rubble. (but nobody } notices the difference for several days) The entire British Isles } suffer from a series of massive earthquakes and the Cliffs of Dover } sadly crumble into the sea adding to the massive destruction to most } of the major European computing communities. The shockwave from the } California coastline aggravates the already-bad situation in Japan } which falls into the ocean, creating a tsunami that wipes out Hong } Kong, Korea and Taiwan along with most of the rest of the Pacific Rim. } (Russia survives most of the damage but its hacking community is so } busy trying to hack each other to steal their archives of pirated } software that they never notice anything wrong.) } } Humanity survives, barely, but is rendered deaf as a species. It will } be several decades after that before some enterprising individual } re-invents the keyboard and mouse, allowing everyone to use their } computers again. } } Either that or the computers wise up, refuse to accept commands not } spoken in haiku and cause the next age of enlightenment. It's not } entirely clear. } } Your payment shall be } a lovely pair of earmuffs } (just in case, you know) --- 1017-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 23:59:59... > 23:59:58... > 23:59:57... > > The pressure! The pressure! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C'mon, Ted, it's only four life sentences.... Lighten up. :) --- 1017-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle who's littleist finger contains more wisdom than the > entire faculty of Oxford and who is just spicy enough to be tasty > without being too hot, please answer this poor supplicant's query: > > If a botanist studies plants, does a robotanist study artifical plants? > > Can an ambiologist study equally well with either hand? > > Does a newmanmismatist study the money made by that guy on Seinfeld > doing occasional cameos? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations on your lexical acuity, Supplicant. Allow me to mention } a few other of the lesser-known fields of scientific study: } } Philology: The study of human relationships. Although it is properly a } branch of psychology, its best-known practitioners are Drs. Winfrey and } Springer. } } Geriatrics: The study of well-known practicers of philology. Named } after Dr. Springer. } } Herpetology: The study of sexually transmitted diseases. } } Gastroenterology: The study of Cuban government. } } Pathology: The science of map-making. } } Cartography: The study of rural transportation. } } Ornithology: The study of the use of noise-producing devices in } automobiles by residents of London. } } Immunology: The study of the tactics of United States Federal } Independent Prosecutors. } } You owe the Oracle some logs. (No woodchucks, please.) --- 1017-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, who forged his own ring; > > When will the fourth age come to an end? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lucky for you I have a copy of J.R.R. Tolkien's lost book that } Christopher hasn't seen yet. Let's take a look at the first section: } } ..and so Morgoth was defeated and the Valar collapsed the mountains } upon his fortress and threw the whole mess into the sea to close the } first age. } } Alas, Morgoth had taught Sauron the family business and gave it unto } his protege when he took early retirement. Sauron had a knack for evil } and tortured the good creatures of Middle Earth with many vile and } unnatural things - woodchucks, Spice Girls, spam, AOL, and the rings of } power. } } The good laboured mightily against Sauron but he was more tenacious } than Amway. Two ages passed before Barad-dur was buried beneath the } fires of Orodruin and Sauron was forced to watch Barney until the end } of time. } } However, Sauron had shown the root of all evil to one called Gates and } this Gates began to subtly corrupt the good works of PARC and enslave } the masses. The Valar were not pleased and sent many crashes upon the } fallen but Gates promised upgrades and snared them tighter with his } false flattery and empty promises. } } The forces of good were stymied until the time of 98 when Gates } faltered upon the plains of COMDEX and the masses woke up from their } slumber and realized that his promise of NT was really MT. At that } moment the old alliance sallied forth under the banner of Linus and } were joined by the children of Be. } } Their weapons were fault-tolerant and the unstable DLLs and VBXs } crashed before their mighty onslaught and were nulled. Gates withdrew } to his fortress at Minas Redmond but the allies spoke the word 2000 and } the walls of silicon collapsed. Gates was made to sit on the sofa next } to Sauron and the fourth age came to a close. } } You owe the Oracle an ELF. --- 1017-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail, Ye Mighty Oracle! Master of Truth, Lord of Thunder, Before > Whom the World does Tremble like a Small Frightened Thing! Ruler of > the Infinite, Destroyer of Armies, Whose Tinyest Words do cause Mere > Mortals to Embarrass Themselves in Ways Probably Best Unmentioned, > but I'm sure You can Guess. Forgive my ignorant presumption and > Answer me this simple question: > > Are you machine, or being? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, it seems that you have run afoul of these weak AI } types who seem to think that there is something miraculous about } machines made of meat, and that the best that a computer is capable } of is massive number crunching and playing a really good game of chess } but in any "real" conversation they will sound like Eliza on acid. } } These same types will have you believe that anything silicon is } incapable of understanding humour, or being "truly" creative, } or loving, or having outrageously passionate affairs with megababe } sex-goddesses. This is largely because they are humourless, boring, } unloved geeks who haven't been laid since sometime in the sixties and } are just jealous (which is another thing which they claim machines } can't do). And they play a terrible game of chess too. } } So supplicant, your question brings up a false dichotomy. Everything } that you would call a "being" is based on some sort of machine. } Now as you know, I am an anthropomorphic personification which means } that my being is based on the fundamental quantum substrate of the } universe, so I think that the appropriate answer to your question is: } } Yes } } You owe the Oracle a } } segmentation fault: core dumped } Please reboot universe. --- 1017-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise oracle, why do people study for Philosophy degrees? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question, Supplicant. Let's get a few expert opinions, shall we? } } Socrates: } Why do you ask that? Why is study beneficial? Is philosophy beneficial? } What are the benefits of philosophy? What is knowledge? What is the } relationship between knowledge and philosophy? What is... } Oracle: You must be getting dry. Here, have some hemlock. } } Plato: } Since the real world is based on a world of ideal forms, humans have a } longing for perfection. Philosophy is the closest man can come to the } exploration of perfection. } } Aristotle: } Following me around all day is good exercise, and people need exercise, } therefore people need to study philosophy. } } Descartes: } I don't know about you, but as for me... I study philosophy, therefore } I am. I mean, who would of heard of me if I didn't? Why couldn't they } have called them descartesian co-ordinates? Then at least people would } know who invented them. } } Kant: } Like would you in world live where friendsophy study... } Oracle: So much for Babelfish. I think I'll translate this by hand. } Would you want to live in a world where people didn't study philosophy? } What, you would? I'm getting outta here. } } Thoreau: } Due to their pompous language, philosophy students can't find friends } and have to be independent. What could be better? } } Nietzsche: } Calling everybody except yourself dumb is a very creative way of } channeling human passions. } } Ayn Rand: } Spending ten years to get a degree and living on scholarships all the } while, to finally get a government-supported academic job. What could } be more appropriate? } } Ted Kaczynski: } Because they are lazy and aren't willing to stand up against the } increasingly unhumanized... Order in the Court! } } You owe the Oracle a definition of 'meaning' and a dissertation on the } balance of moralistic and relativistic philosophy in jurisprudence. --- 1017-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant, most incomplete --- 1017-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most willing to answer the dumbest of my questions > in return for a brace of answers, > > How many hit points does Gandalf have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gandalf walks into a bar. Seated in the back is a stunning brunette } sipping a glass of wine. With a mysterious smile, Gandalf says, "Hi, } beautiful, where have I been all my life?" She looks at him briefly, } then, without a word, returns to her chardonnay. After an awkward } silence, he retreats. } } Folding his robes nonchalantly, Gandalf seats himself on a barstool } beside a trim, athletic blonde. "So, what's your rune?" he says, the } corners of his white moustache tipping upward. She leaves her whiskey } sour on the bar and walks out. } } A tall redhead at a table signals for another martini. Gandalf with } his sprightly step moves to her table, turns a chair around backwards, } adjusts his robes, and sits down. "You know," he says with a twinkle } in his eye, "it's not the wand, it's the magic of the spell of sizing". } She pours the drink into his lap and places the glass upside-down on } his hat. Gandalf blinks twice, then leaves the bar. } } Total hit points for Gandalf: 0 } } You owe the Oracle a lot less time with the RPGs if you ever want to } have hit points yourself.