From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sat Apr 18 00:10:32 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA26035; Sat, 18 Apr 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 18 Apr 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199804180510.AAA26035@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1008 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1008 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1008 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 18 Apr 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1008 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1003 87 votes 8wqj2 6lpmd 6pvn2 4gzn9 5gyjd blknc dtxa2 8nqm8 gjrg9 adsgk 1003 3.0 mean 2.7 3.2 2.9 3.2 3.2 3.0 2.5 3.0 2.8 3.3 --- 1008-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most tidy one, who never drops his jacket on the floor, or decides > which shirt to wear by the "sniff-to-see-if-it's-clean" test. Oracle, > I am honored to be able to ask you this question; > > What is it we humans should fear the most? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rampaging hippos and ravenous panthers } Poisonous plants dripping venom from anthers } Huge flocks of vampire-bats with ticks on their wings } These are a few of the scariest things! } } Mall-roving Krishnas with bundles of flowers } Door to door salesmen who blather for hours } The TV Evangelist with the fat wife who sings } These are a few of the scariest things! } } Terrorist factions with big vats of anthrax } Senators swimming in troughs full of kickbacks } Bungling Eff Bee Eye Agents on stings } These area few of the scariest things! } } When my wife whines } When my ears ring } When I just can't dance } I simply remember the scariest things } And then I shit my pants! } } Half-evolved apemen with fingers on buttons } Talk shows with thousand pound immoble gluttons } Revivals of movies where Travolta sings } These are a few of the scariest things! } } Ebola viruses lurking in jungles } Governments hushing up CIA bungles } Rich hip-hop charlatans ripping off Sting } These are a few of the scariest things! } } Survivalist maniacs hiding in shelters } Greenhouse effects making everyting swelter } Mid 80's retro and the rebirth of swing } These are a few } } of the scariest THIIIIIIINGS! } } You owe the oracle something that will block out the sound of music. --- 1008-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fake Og here. Fake Og grovel to no one. Fake Og have Mercedes and > Model Girlfriend. > > Fake Og make living impersonation real Og. Fake Og request Orekule > no Zot Og. Og make Fake Og rich. > > If Og die, Fake Og do good Bill Clinton. Orekule want hire Fake Og? > > You owe Fake Og a new script. This is lousy. The director sucks. > I'm asking for more millions next time. I'm an academy award winning > actor for god sakes, reduced to doing cheap Og impressions with > lame scripts. I don't even like Og!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MURDER AT THE CAVE } An Urk Ule Poirot Mystery by Ogatha Christie } } Characters: } Urk, aka Ule Poirot, a cave-man } Og, a cave-man } Ogwa, his wife } Big Ogling, Little Ogling, Stupid Ogling, Big Ogwaling, Little Ogwaling, } Ugly Ogwaling, Og and Ogwa's children, collectively known as Oglings } Dog, Og's canine } Thag and Thagwa, friends of Og and Ogwa } Stupid Thagwaling, daughter of Thag and Thagwa, very pretty } Zog, Og's old father (referred to, does not appear) } Ug, Og's younger brother } Igwa, the required unattached female } Hag, an elderly woman } Hog, a neighbor } Numerous Extrags } } [Time: high noon. Camera pans over a landscape of what one day will be } the County of Shropshire, zooming in to a cave by a waterfall. Big } Ogling and Stupid Thagwaling are sitting on a rock in front of the } cave.] } } Big O: Why Thagwaling not want marry Big Ogling? } Stupid T: Ogling not have no stuff. Thagwaling pretty? } Big O: Thagwaling more pretty many many much good flower! } Stupid T: Thagwaling so pretty, Thagwaling marry man have much stuff. } Big O: Thagwaling mean, very mean. } Stupid T: Thagwaling smart, very smart. } Big O: Word 'smart' no exist, every person still stupid. } Stupid T: Ogling very stupid, no have stuff! } Big O: Ogling get much stuff little time. Ogling father Og, Og father } Zog. Zog have many many animal skin. Zog have many cave. Zog little } time die, Og get much stuff, give stuff Ogling. } Stupid T: Ogling liar. Thagwaling leave. [Starts to leave.] } [Enter Og, with Urk.] } Og: Big Ogling, where Ogwa and Oglings? } Big O: Ogwa in cave. } Og: OGWA! } Ogwa: [Coming out from cave.] What big stupid Og have say? } Og: Og find friend Urk, bring Urk cave sleep few day. This Urk. } Ogwa: Og MUCH big stupid! Og only have small cave. Og have many Ogling. } Og have Zog sleep in cave. Og bring friend Thag sleep in cave. Thag } bring friend Thagwa daughter Stupid Thagwaling sleep in cave. Og brother } Ug no have own cave, sleep in Og cave. Og bring dead friend daughter } Igwa sleep in cave. Og bring dead friend mother Hag sleep in cave. Og } bring kay-nine Dog sleep in cave. Og MUCH BIG STUPID! } Og: This Ogatha Christie mis-tery. Need every person be cave-guest in } one cave. } Ogwa: Og father Zog have many cave, Zog ought give Og few cave. Zog } mean bad selfish! } Og: Ogwa shut large mouth! } Urk: How Ogwa do? Urk much pleased meet Ogwa. } } [Blackout.] } } [Time: Dusk. Entire cast except Hog and Zog sit around fire outside } cave, eating.] } } Ogwa: [Handing meat to Stupid Ogwaling.] Take meat Zog. [Stupid Ogwaling } goes into cave, and returns quickly.] } Stupid O: Zog dead! } Ogwa: Much time wait this happen. } Stupid O: No normal! Zog hit on head with big spiky club! } Og: Murder most foul! My own father! In my own cave! } Ogwa: Big stupig Og talk stupid. Talk normal! } Og: Og sorry. Og very surprised and talk weird. } Urk: Og let Urk handle, Urk good at this. Every person tell Urk where } person was afternoon. } Thag: Ug and Thag go hunt, all afternoon. } Ogwa: Ogwa and Thagwa cut meat, put over fire. } Urk: Ogwa and Thagwa do meat all afternoon? } Ogwa: No. Ogwa gather fruit by self before cut meat. } Thagwa: Thagwa work with animal skin by self. } Big O: Big Ogling sad, go walk in forest by self. } Urk: Why Big Ogling sad? } Big O: Stupid Thagwaling not want marry Big Ogling. } Urk: Where Stupid Thagwaling all afternoon? } Stupid T: Thagwaling not tell fat ugly Urk where Thagwaling! } Thagwa: Stupid Thagwaling not be stupid! Tell Urk where Thagwaling. } Stupid T: Thagwaling no tell! } Urk: Where Og, Igwa, Hag? } Og: Og go hunt by self. } Igwa: Igwa and Hag go gather fruit. Igwa and Hag see Og. } Og: Og no see Igwa and Hag. } Hag: Og chasing animal, look at animal. Igwa and Hag get out of animal } way, not want get clubbed by Og. } Og: Og never club Hag and Igwa! } Urk: Every person tired. Every person go to sleep. } } [Fade-out as cast clean up and head to cave.] } } [Time: Next morning. Og, Thag, Ug and Urk stand in front of cave. Hog } approaches.] } } Hog: Hog hear Zog dead. Hog sorry. Hog come help Og bring Zog } Stonehenge. } Og. Og thank Hog. Zog in cave. } [Urk goes into cave, comes out quickly.] } Hog: Zog not die normal! Zog hit with big spiky club! } Og: Hog correct. } Hog: Hog yesterday in forest, hear Thag say Zog ought die soon. } Thag: Hog not correct. Hog liar! } Ug: Thag murderer! } Og: Thag murderer! } [Remainder of cast except Oglings (but including Big Ogling) come out of } cave and yell "Thag Murderer!"] } Thag: Urk please help Thag. Thag not murderer! } Hog: Thag call Hog liar. Thag murderer! Hog kill Thag! } Urk: Hog be quiet.Urk een-vest-ee-gate. Need look all possibilities. Og } hunt all afternoon, Igwa and Hag see Og. Og cannot kill Zog. Ug and Thag } together hunt all afternoon. Cannot kill Zog. Ogwa and Thagwa by self } before do meat, maybe kill Zog. Big Ogling by self in forest, maybe kill } Zog. Stupid Thagwaling very stupid, no tell Urk where all afternoon. } Maybe kill Zog. Igwa and Hag gather fruit together, cannot kill Zog. } Hog: Too many person maybe kill Zog! Hog say Thag kill Zog. } Urk: Hog please wait. Hog say Thag say Zog die. Who Thag say this? } Hog: Thag hunt with Og. } Thag: Thag hunt with Ug! } Igwa: Igwa and Hag see Og by self. } Urk: Man running after animal, Igwa and Hag, scared, maybe not Og? } Igwa: Maybe not. } Ug: Hog correct. Ug hunt by self. Ug know Thag not murderer, Thag know } Ug not murderer, give each other alley-bye. } Og: Og hunt with Thag, have alley-bye. } Urk: Thag liar, Thag alley-bye no good. } Thag: Thag hunt with Og, Thag tell Og Zog need die. Og say Og go, Og } leave Thag in forest. } Hog: Og murderer! Og murderer! } Urk: Og murderer. One thing need done. Ug! } Ug: Igwa marry Ug? } Igwa: Why? } Ug: Igwa un-att-ach-d fe-male. Necessary Igwa marry Ug so mis-tery end. } Igwa: Igwa tired of mis-tery, want mis-tery end. Igwa marry Ug. } } [Rapid fade-out as Ug and Igwa move to embrace.] } } THE END } } You owe the Oracle an Academy Award. --- 1008-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Astute Oracle who is so canny that she knows when to sell short; > > What type of stocks would you advise me to NOT buy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't buy stocks of pine. They are too soft, and the criminals tend } to escape too easily. } } You owe the oracle a prospectus. --- 1008-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who knows the ways of all creatures, great and small, > please answer my most humble and unworthy question. > > As you know, Boston Red Socks fans are the nosiest whiners in sports > history: "We're under the Curse of the Babe!" "Bill Buckner's glove > should burn in hell forever!" "Bucky Dent is a &(%^#$$&#*#$!" and so > on. > > It's time to stick it to them again. What happens now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UPI: APRIL 12, 1998 } TRADE OF THE CENTURY - CUBS BECOME SOX - SOX BECOME CUBS, RED, THAT IS } } In a surprise move today, the ownership and management of the } Chicago Cubs and of the the Boston Red Sox today announced a trade } unprecedented in the history of Major Leauge Baseball. } } In a deal involving absolutely no money, (as none was available) } the two teams agreed to switch cities, leages, parks and names. The } trade apparently rises from a desire on the part of the Chicago } ownership to escape the century long shadow of the White Sox, and a } desire on the part of the Red Sox ownership to "get their daughters } away from those Kennedy boys." } } Acting commisioner Bud Selig voiced his assent this way, "I guess } the owners can do whatever the hell they want. After all, that is why } we don't have a real comissioner anymore." } } Local fans of both teams, though elusive, were noncomittal. } Boston fan Peter Mulboon stated, "It's always just one more thing, aint } it, well, aint it?" In Chicago, James (Stanky) Stzcswyrsp said, "Ah, } the guys who run the Cubs can go on over to Boston, no problem, just as } long as we've still got Wrigley and Harry Carey." } } You owe the Oracle a national passtime worthy of the Babe, Buckner and } Dent, and my childhood back. --- 1008-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh nutrious Oracle; > > Please give me the pros and cons of the following diets for a human: > > Carnivore > Omnivore > Vegetarian > Vegan > Dessertarian > Humanitarian And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Oh nutrious Oracle; } } I believe you meant "nutritious," but we'll let it pass. This time. } } > Please give me the pros and cons of the following diets for a } > human: } > } > Carnivore } } Eating carnies provides plenty of protein and fat in the diet. } However, carnies are notorious for their tattoos, which may contain red } dye #2 (a possibly carcinogenic substance), and for their lack of } personal hygiene. If you must eat a carny, try to catch him just after } his monthly bath. And try to avoid the ones with corn dogs; they're } high in saturated fat. } } > Omnivore } } While tasty and rich in fiber, this particular diet choice is no longer } practical, as Omni ceased publication about two years ago and its } online magazine just went down the tubes last week. However, strict } Omnivores need not despair, as many libraries still have back copies } extant. You may want to keep an eye to the future by switching to } Smithsonian or National Geographic while you still can. } } > Vegetarian } } I cannot in good conscience recommend the consumption of vegetables. } It's hardly fair. Coma victims and basket cases are also right out. } } > Vegan } } The worlds around Vega have provided the galaxy with some delicious and } nutritious little quadrupeds, excellent for any diet. However, until } FTL travel becomes safe and inexpensive, strict Veganism will probably } remain a local phenomenon. } } > Dessertarian } } "Life is short. Eat dessert first" is the rallying cry of the } Dessertarians, and one can hardly argue with them. A steady diet of } eclairs, chocolate ice cream, fudge, cookies, brownies and mousse is a } beautiful thing. Sure, you'll be unable to support your own body } weight by 15 and slip into a diabetic coma at age 29 or so, but won't } it be worth the risks? } } > Humanitarian } } Humanitarians are kind, benificent beings who do the world a favor by } consuming those who would otherwise be a thorn in our side. It is a } little-known fact, for instance, that the world would be overrun with } the spawn of telemarketers and lawyers were it not for the quiet work } of the Humanitarians. Bravo. } } You owe the Oracle the liver of Bill Gates, with some fava beans and a } nice Chianti. --- 1008-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, who actually knows how Windows manages to put all that > trash on people's hard disks, who was the one telling Gary Larson all > his jokes, who understands how a cellular phone can send signals so far > when my cordless phone gets terrible just across the room, > > How much trek could a star trek trek if a star trek could trek stars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lots of trek. Oodles of trek. Man, I'm talkin' about a whole s***load } of trek. Now listen to me carefully: Lots of people pick their noses. } (Stay with me.) Maybe you do, but you don't get caught, and you } never, ever talk about it. You don't talk about how the dry ones are } so much easier, or why for some reason, even though you are } right-handed, you can only do with the index finger of your left hand. } Why? Because that person, that stranger, or that potential friend, or } whoever, will forget everything else about you, and will only remember } (and perhaps share with others) that you are a nose-picker, and that } you wanted to talk about it. Are you still with me? Okay. Never, ever } talk about Star Trek. Never. Whether you are a die-hard fan who can } recite every episode and knows what "GNDN" stands for, or you just } passed a TV Guide in the checkout lane and noticed a comparison between } Janeway and Piccard and who is more of a "real man" and you thought it } might make for interesting conversation, you must bury your emotions - } er - keep it to yourself. Otherwise you'll be one of those "Star Trek } people," and people will assume that you only hang out with your Star } Trek friends and talk about Star Trek things, like why the } even-numbered movies were good and all the odd ones sucked. As for } women - let's just say you won't get beamed up no matter how many times } you hit your communicator. Engage? I think not. The shields stay up } and no one de-cloaks. Your culture doesn't get assimilated. Set your } phaser on "friends." You get the point. If you must get it out of } your system, go to a convention out of town and *don't* get caught on } CNN. } } You owe the Oracle a Borg. I'll have fun with it for a while and then } Zadoc can take care of it. --- 1008-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, who know Al and sees Marty at the gas > station, your kung-fu is best. > > I'm not aware of too many things, but I am told you are omniscient. > A lot people mistake this for being omnipotent, which I don't think > you are. (Although, heh-heh, I'm sure you're really, REALLY potent, oh > wise one.) So what, exactly, are your powers? Are you also prescient? > postscient? sentient? What, exactly, are the boundaries of your power? > I ask merely for information. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle IS: } } - Omniscient: I know all, and will tell most, but only when asked } nicely. } - Omnipotent: There is no limits to my power, well none that I } would tell YOU. } - Omnipresent: I am always just one e-mail away. } - Omnivorous: I eat meat, vegetables, assorted chemicals and } preservatives. } - Omnidirectional: My incarnations face all ways at all times. } } The Internet Oracle IS NOT: } } - Omnibenevolent: Unlike other puissant beings, *I* have a Staff of } Zot and I'm not afraid to use it. } - An Omnibus: That's what the Oracularities are for. } - Omni International: The Oracle is NOT a Hotel Chain! } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime subscription to Omni Magazine. --- 1008-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are standing on a path through well-kept grounds. To the north, the > path leads up to a large brick building, which as a sign that says, > "Computer Science Department: Indiana University." The path extends > behind you to the south. > > % west > > You don't really want to walk over the lawn. > > % north > > You are in a large room which has the feel of a lobby. There are > hallways to the west and east, and a stairway to the north. > > % north > > People are beginning to stare as you keep tripping over the first step. > You are getting a nosebleed. > > % climb stairs > > At the top of the stairs is a door with a sign, "Offices of T.I. > Oracle." Clinging to the front of the door is a Silver Fungus! > > % attack fungus > > Oh, my mistake. It was just a doorknob. Still, the door opens, so that > wasn't too bad, right? > > You are in a vast room that looks vaguely like a temple. Extraordinary > hangings of the finest materials depict scenes that you can't quite > make out, on account of all of the vases, gold statuettes, sculptures, > and massive chests overflowing with treasure that are in the way. The > ceiling rises so far into the distance that all you can make out is the > enormous chandelier, which is gold and has 3.2 million candles (you > know this because of the sign hanging down underneath the chandelier > which says, "This is a 3.2 million candlepower chandelier). It occurs > to you that the room gives a very good idea of just how big infinity > must be. > > Standing before you is a gorgeous woman wearing what appears to be > about three Kleenexes and the dregs of a Saran Wrap roll. > > There is an enormous door to the south. > > % sak "will you kiss me" > > I don't think it would be a good idea to 'sak' at this time. > > % ask "will you kiss me" > > She gives you a disgusted look and sweeps past you and down the > staircase. > > You feel very stupid. > > % damn > > I don't think it would be a good idea to 'damn' at this time. > > % south And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are back in the Lobby. A flight of stairs leads to the outside. } } % go outside } You are back outside. A path leads away to the north, and crosses a } small bridge to your south. Ahead of you to the west is Dunn Woods. } } % south } A small bridge leads away to the north. A limestone building with } large wooden doors is to the south. } } % south } You are at the door to a large building. A small red plaque with white } printing and braille lettering is beside the door, just out of arm's } reach from the path. } } %read plaque } The plaque reads "Swain East". } } %open door } The door opens unsteadily. You are in an anteroom with several doors } and an oddly-placed staircase. The sound of collegiate mathematics } course material being poorly presented in several foreign accents } drifts in through the doors. } } A Snickers bar wrapper is here. } } %get wrapper } You get and examine the discarded wrapper. It is, indeed, everything } it seems. } A cute chemistry major, obviously late for the bus, nonetheless pauses } on her way out of the building to give you an odd look. } } %down } A cramped and aged corridor leads away to the south and north at the } foot of the stairs. You can see several doors, and smell the faint } scent of urine from behind the one labelled "Men". } } %north } There are several cryptically labelled doors here. One doorway is } open, with faded greenbar printouts showing "SE013" in bold character } graphics. } } %go se013 } There are dozens of dusty adm5 terminals here. In the northeast corner } is a person of inteterminate gender, cackling over the sole tvi950 } terminal in the room. It seems to be pointing at its screen. } } %read screen } It's blurry and green from here. } } %ne } There is a smelly geek and a tvi950 terminal here. The smelly geek is } cackling at the screen. } } % read screen } It seems to be some indeterminately long and pointless text adventure } game, like those played by math majors for the two months before they } flunk out into a telecom degree. } } % slap geek } You win! } } You owe the Oracle a less tedious reminiscence of his undergrad days, } and the current mailing address of the chem major. --- 1008-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Parmesan Oracle, > Your Culinary Wisdom > Knows No Bounds. > Please Answer My > Humble Question: > What Should I Put > In My Sauce? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What to put in your sauce depends greatly on what you're going to do } with it once it's made. } } If you're trying to keep away vampires, use lots of garlic. If you } are a vampire, use a garlic substitute. } } If you are pouring it on Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish, don't } bother. You only *thought* they were dead, and as soon as you dump } that lovely cream sauce on them they will spring to life and do } unspeakable things to you. And your woodchuck. } } If you are having company, don't make sauce. They don't like you. } Make lasagna and spit in it. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "The Joy of Cooking". --- 1008-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose bigness embiggens even the littlest of us, > please tell me... > > I have a nice pen, unlike every other nice pen I have ever owned, > this one was completely free. It was not like I had to pay for it, > or that some one gave it to me as a gift. It just showed up on my > desk one day. The interesting thing about it, though, is it will > not get lost. I cannot lose it. I dropped it in the parking lot, > and two days later it was right there, next to my car. I dropped it > inside my car, and a day later, it rolled out from under the seat. > I even loaned it to a postal carrier, who lost it; it still came back > to me! How can I get rid of this pen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my now-slightly-bigger but still puny supplicant, you've stumbled } upon a Cursed -3 Pen of Returning. You'll need to find a fountain (if } it's a fountain pen) or a Blessed Hammer of Smashing To Bits otherwise. } But don't be discouraged. I've consulted with my divine copyright } lawyers, and have determined that the following Oracular Song Parody } is just the ticket to keep your spirits up. } } The Pen Came Back } } Woe-ridden supplicant, problems of his own. } He found a classy pen that wouldn't leave him alone. } He tried and he tried to give the pen away. } He dropped it underneath his car and drove to Tampa Bay... } } But the pen came back the very next day. } Yes, the pen came back. They thought it was a goner, } But the pen came back. It just wouldn't stay away. } } He gave it to the postman, with a money order. } He told the man to take the pen and mail it 'cross the border. } The postman died, and may God rest his soul, } The coroner said "Cause of death: a little pen-sized hole." } } But the pen came back... } } The man around the corner said he'd melt the pen on sight. } He reprogrammed his microwave, it took him half the night. } He waited... and he waited... 'till the pen came rolling round } And charred and melted pieces of the man was all they found... } } But the pen came back... } } [Oracular Disclaimer: The following verse is unmodified.] } } The H-bomb fell the very next day. } The A-bomb fell in the very same way. } Russia went! England went! And then the USA. } The entire human race was left without a chance to pray... } } But the pen came back...