From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Apr 16 00:10:30 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA10265; Thu, 16 Apr 1998 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1998 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199804160510.AAA10265@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1007 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1007 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1007 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1998 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1007 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1002 86 votes bnol7 blvf8 ekko8 6drpf apv9b 39kxl 5dsog 37usi 7quj4 bipkc 1002 3.1 mean 2.9 2.9 2.9 3.3 2.8 3.7 3.4 3.6 2.8 3.0 --- 1007-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle... > > What would "Dr. Billgates, or How I Stoped Worrying and Learned to Love > the Bug." be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It would be highly hyped, terribly expensive, about six months } late in arrival, and leave you thinking your life was better before you } got hold of it. } } You owe the Oracle the biography of Linux Pauling. --- 1007-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most well read Oracle and pal of YHWH, please answer me this; > > In the Bible it states that the Queen of Sheba tried to stump Solomon > with riddles. > > (1 Kings 10:1) When the queen of Sheba heard about the fame of Solomon > and his relation to the name of the LORD, she came to test him with > hard questions. > > The Bible then goes on to say: > > Solomon answered all her questions; nothing was too hard for the king > to explain to her. > > I would like to know what those questions were. > > Thank you in advance for your time oh Noble one! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, supplicant, of course I can supply a transcription of what } traversed between the two: } } Sheba: How much is two plus two? } } Solomon: Err, umm. Pssst... Hey God, can you hear me? } } Sheba: What was that? } } Solomon: Oh, nothing, I just tend to mumble while I think. } : Psst.. God, I need some help here. } } God, whispering: Aye? } } Solomon, mumbling, apparently to himself: How much is two plus two? } } God: Four, young Solomon. } } Solomon, confidently, to the Queen of Sheba: The answer is four! } } Sheba: Very good! But that was just a warm-up, now for the tougher } riddles - How do you explain female behaviour? } } Solomon: Oh.. err... Wait a second, I need to brew myself some tea. } } Solomon, while in the kitchen: Hey, God, I need more help... } } And so on it went, until the fateful question: } } Sheba: I am extremely impressed, why, such intelligence... it is truly } tempting... I find cerebral prowess so... stimulating. What do you say } we have dinner in your harem after we finish with this? } } Solomon: , of course! } } Sheba: Great! We have one more question, if then: } How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck } wood? } } Solomon: Oh, that's easy. } , Hey, God, How much woo- } } } } Solomon: Heh, strange, a lightning in such a weather. Anyway, God, how } much woo- } } God, bellowing fuminatingly: Silence! } } Solomon: But... but.., oh, nevermind. } : Umm, actually, I don't get that one. } } Sheba: } } Solomon: Good, so you don't mind. What do you say we have that date } now? } } Sheba: } } Solomon: Great! } Oh, you want me to carry you up? Alright, anything for you. } } } } Solomon: My, my, you are somewhat passive. } } God: Ahem. } } Solomon: Not now, God! I'm in the middle of something! } } God: But.. you see.. } } Solomon: Urf, not now, later! I'm busy! } } God: Urm, as you wish. } } } } Solomon: What do you mean she's dead?! } } God: I mean oxygen no longer bestows its energy to her brain, her heart } has stopped pumping and her metabolism is null. } } Solomon: But... for how long? } } God: Oh, since that Woo- Woo-, that question, damnit! } } Solomon: You mean since the Woodchuck question? } } God: Don't say that word! } } Solomon: Oh, vey's mir! } } God: Indeed. . } } - The Bible, Book of Solomon; The Forbidden Chapters. } } You owe the Oracle a new kernel. --- 1007-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello >, my old friend, } You've come to say tellme again, } Because a moron with his brains leaking, } Sent his mail without speaking, } And the moron that sent you here this afternoon } Will very soon } Observe the sound of violence. } } And from my seat I went to see } What tools where in my armory; } 'Neath the halo of the Staff of Zot, } I turned the dial up to Sizzling Hot } Then my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a mighty blast } That cooked him fast } And launched the sound of violence. } } And in the afterglow I saw } Ten thousand tellmes, maybe more. } Supplications without a clue, } Supplicants with nothing else to do, } W**dchucks chucking wood, those nasty little beasts, } So tell the priests } To start the sound of violence. } } "Fools," said I, "You do not know, } Tellmes like a cancer grow. } Listen up once, so I might teach you, } And then the next guy won't just repeat you." } But my words, as if I'd said YES NO HELL, } Just echoed } In the wells ... for violence. } } And the people sent their mail } Through the Zot Staff's flaming hail. } And I cried out my warning, } To the supplicants I was informing. } And I said, "The answers to your questions } Have all been published before. } Just read the Digests more." } And left them with the sounds of violence. } } You owe the Oracle an Art Garfunkel wig for Zadoc. --- 1007-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oraculator belongs to an elite order, a hallowed sub-category. > He's got esprit up to here. Right now he is preparing to carry out his > third incarnation of the night. His uniform is black as activated > charcoal, filtering the very light out of the air. A two-by-four will > bounce off its arachno-fibre weave like a wren hitting a patio door, > but excess perspiation wafts through like a breeze through a freshly > zotted forest. Where his body has bony extremities, the suit has > sintered armorgel: feels like gritty jello, protects like a stack of > telephone books. > > When they gave him the job, they gave him a staff of zot. The > Oraculator never deals in cash, but someone might come after him anyway > - might ask _the_ question, or not grovel. The Oraculator never pulled > the staff in anger, or in fear. He pulled it once in Marmot Highlands. > Some 'chucks in Marmot Highlands, a fancy ISP, wanted themselves an > oracularity and didn't want to grovel for it. Thought they could > impress the Oraclator with a piece of lumber. The 'chuck ended up > holding a stump with milky smoke pouring out the end. Didn't get > nothing but trouble from the Oraculator. > > The Oraculator has been working this job for six months and has never > responded to a question in more than 21 hours. > > Oh, they used to complain about the response times: supplicants, red- > faced and sweaty, logged in to rhod, sharpening their ironies and > waving at the calendar, I swear it's been a week. > > Didn't happen any more. The Internet Oracle is a major industry. A > managed industry. People went to Zadoc Priest University four years > just to learn it. The question arrives in the mail now with a little > readout in the header telling the Oraculator how many hours have ticked > away since the supplicant pressed the 'send' button. > > If the 24-hour deadline expires, news of the disaster is flashed to the > Oracular Temple and relayed from there to the Oracle himself, who will > be on talk(1) to the supplicant within five minutes, apologizing > profusely. > > The Oraculator does not know for sure what happend to the incarnation > in such cases. Most supplicants send in the evening hours, which the > Oracle considers to be his private time. And how would you feel if you > had to interrupt dinner with Lisa in order to call some obstreporous > luser from Juno and grovel for a late reply? Oh God. It makes the > Oraculator breathe a little shallower just to think of the idea. > > The Oraculator logs in, fires of one e-mail, "Please ask me," he says. > > The supplication arrives back from Indiana. His POP client downloads > the question. > > Just as he's logging out, reading if it's an in-joke question, deciding > if he should use Zadoc or Og, it happens. The computer flashes red. > *Red*. A repetitive buzzer begins to sound. The time readout on his > menubar, which echoes the one in the e-mail, flashes up: 20:00. > > They have just given the Oraculator a 20-hour-old question. He checks > the references - 3 in-jokes, 2 rhod-isms and an obscure reference to > Ukranian politics... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oraculator lets out an involuntary roar and puts the hammer down. } His emotions tell him to go back and kill that manager, get his zot } staff out, log back in to the server and zot the sysop. But he thinks } the same thing when someone asks an unoriginal question, and he's never } done it -- yet. } } He can handle this. This is doable. He flexes his fingers, prepares to } type at 200 words a minute. But, suddenly, the plagiaristic analogy } breaks down. } } The Oraculator considers for a moment, and begins typing out an } imitation of the question; standard fare. He looks the question over; } easy enough. His clock reads 20:13; more than enough time. He adds that } bright red Siamese fighting fish can't chuck wood, that Alexandra Kelly } wouldn't either, and an imitation of Zadoc. Clock says 20:36. This is } doable. Just the rhod-isms and politics reference left. THUNK. The } Oraculator looks out of his cubicle; in his distracted state, he has } allowed his boss to sneak in an catch him incarnating. Not just some } middle manager off in accounting, but HIS boss. The one who could fire } him. Quickly, he says that no, Francis Scott Key wrote it, and that it } has nothing to do with Babel fish. He side-steps around the Ukrainian } politics, and fires off the e-mail. 20:59. Whew. Barely. } } You owe the Oracle an apology to Neal Stephenson and another copy of } Snow Crash. --- 1007-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do coconuts *really* migrate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's find out! } } Here beside me is bin full of coconuts with detailed directions on how } to grovel to the Oracle written on them. You are over there. Let's } see...Oh look! One of the coconuts is levitating of its own free will } and, wow, it looks like it is picking up speed and OW! That had to } have hurt supplicant. Well, since that coconut is over there already } why don't you pick it up and read the directions on how to grovel? See } the nice words, and oh! Look out! Seems another coconut has magically } migrated your direction. And look another one. And another. Oh how } clever the coconuts are, you can run, but you can not hide... wow, it } seems those first few coconuts were a tad ahead of the main body of the } migration. Look -all-the-rest- of the coconuts are now levitating in } mass and preparing to migrate your way. Aren't the Natural Sciences } soooooo exciting? } } You owe the Oracle a grovel. --- 1007-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Daddy, what's a 'frontal lobotomy?' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A requirement for getting an AOL or Juno account, apparently. } } U owE the Orakel sOme warez --- 1007-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Supreme Telephonic Oracle whose address book > contains the private numbers of all the major deities, > how did the cold-call salespeople get hold of mine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SCENE: A dark night somewhere in the cornfields of Indiana. A huge } temple looms in the distance, the temple of the Internet Oracle. In the } basement of this temple, next to the pool room, down the hall from the } olympic swimming pool, mini-gym and massage parlor, last door before } the lower kitchen, nowhere near a bathroom, is a smoke-filled room } where four chairs sit around a small card table. A large oak bar sets } the backdrop with a hundred or so empty wine bottles scattered about. } One man is at the bar, three others occupy chairs around the table. One } chair remains conspicuously empty. } } As the lights come up it we see that the man at the bar is in fact } Bacchus, god of wine. The two large figures at the table are the } Internet Oracle and the Oracle of Delphi. With them is Zadoc, high } priest in the Internet Oracle's temple. Most, no, all, of the poker } chips sit in front of the Internet Oracle. The Oracle of Delphi speaks: } } OD: Bacchus! More wine! } } BACCHUS: I think you've had enough. } } OD: C'mon, Dio! You can spare a little for an old friend! } } B: Don't call me that. It's Bacchus, not Dionysus. You're getting on my } nerves. } } INTERNET ORACLE: Yeah, Del. Leave him be. You've had enough wine. } } OD: Sure, Usie. Pick his side. } } IO: Damn it, Del, I'm the Internet Oracle now. How many times do I have } to tell you? } } OD: So what do I call you? Innie? Nettie? (snickers) } } ZADOC: We generally refer to him as 'Orrie', Del. } } OD: SHUT UP YOU WHIMPERING SOT! HE IS NOT THE ONLY ORACLE IN THE } WESTERN WORLD! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ORACLE IN THE WESTERN WORLD! THERE } ARE OTHER OMNISCIENT BEINGS IN THIS UNIVERSE! } } IO: OK, OK, calm down now buddy. I know I'm not the only Oracle in the } universe but face it: I'm the only one with a net connection. Get a } grip, man, the world is changing. And let's not get into that } discussion about whether a valuable question requires heroic effort to } ask. It's not worth it. Now are you gonna play cards? } } OD: I'm busted. Listen, can I put up a bit of collateral? I've got this } golden fleece... } } IO: No, no thanks. Not again. I've got one of those and I regret ever } taking it. Kendai washed Lisa's car with it and it did a number on the } paint job. You think the kid would realize the difference between } sheepskin and steel wool. At least I hope he does before gets a } girlfriend. Anyway, I'll spot you a hand double or nothing. } } (Zadoc shuffles the cards and, while dealing, speaks) } } Z: Hey, where'd Father Tiresius get off to? } } IO: He left to find the bathroom, didn't he? } } Z: Yeah, but it's been a while. } } OD: You know, he gets confused, what with having been a woman like the } earth and a man like the ocean a little bit of wine can really mess up } your perspective. Pretty soon he'll drop his trousers and figure out } which door. Don't worry about it. } } Z: It's a unisex bathroom, Del. There's only one door to choose. This } isn't a Moose Lodge, it's a private residence. So where is he? } } OD: Well, you know, with all the parties you throw I figured you'd have } better facilities. } } IO: Yeah, and have six bathrooms just for the alternate genders of the } galaxy next door. Yeah, right. (pauses) Did you hear something? } } OD: No, no. Certainly not. } } Z: Yeah, I hear a voice. Is that your Mac? } } OD: Damn it! That old blind man's using my computer again! I forgot all } about that old speech driven console in the back wing. What's on that } machine again? } } Z: Oh, nothing important. Just some old supplicant files. A bunch of } demographic information for stupid mortals. No one would want them. } Names, addresses, phone numbers, e-mail accounts. } } (With that the Oracle of Delphi throws the card table over and dashes } from the room. Bacchus awakes from his slumber and snags the Oracle of } Delphi's cloak as he tries to escape.) } } B: None of that sneaking out! Pay your tab before you leave! } } IO: Um, Dio, buddy, it's my wine cellar. No waitresses. No jukebox. No } tab. Think before you attack people! } } B: Jeez. Excuse me. Instinct. Sorry. } } IO: Anyway, Delphi, what have you been up to? You've been stealing my } supplicant files, haven't you? What, are you planning on getting a } WebTV and setting up electronic shop? } } OD: No, no, nothing like that, I swear! I just, well, I... } } IO: Say it, slimeball! } } OD: I needed money. Orrie, man, this gambling's been killing me. I've } been stealing your supplicant files to make a buck. That's all. No } one's been hurt. Business has just been so slow for the last couple } thousand years. } } IO: You haven't! You've been selling my supplicant files to Cyberpromo! } } OD: No, no! Just telemarketers and cold callers. I'm sorry, man...it's } a cry for help, you know...help me, man, help me! I can't shake it. } } (Fade to black as the Oracle of Delphi drops to his knees, sobbing.) } --- } } So there you go, Supplicant. That's how the cold callers got your } number. I'm sorry, but I tend to trust other deities. Maybe a little } too much. Every once in a while, ya know, a guy can get desperate. You } understand, don't ya? They'll stop calling soon enough. A couple } thousand years or so. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _Twelve Steps to the Temple Door: } Addiction Recovery for Deities_. --- 1007-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why didn't Karl appear in any of the Marx Brothers' movies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Karl, being the firstborn, was always more serious than the other } brothers. His work was just never as funny as the younger Marxes', and } his untimely death 40 years before the brothers' first movie just made } things worse. There were a few attempts to combine the work of all the } brothers, but after a few films like "Animal Crackers Of The World, } Unite," "Oppressed Proletariat Families Wait In Line For Duck Soup," } and "A Night At The Capitalist Bourgeoise Event Burdening The Backs Of } The Masses," the efforts were abandoned. Even the } wild-hair-and-googly-eyes Karl Marx gag glasses never caught on like } the Groucho ones. And so the world was left with a sadly divided } family. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Das Kapital: I've had a perfectly } wonderful political theory, but this wasn't it." --- 1007-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is this Liv/Zempel guys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } . } } You owe the Oracle a way to uncompress the answer. --- 1007-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the element of surprise? > > I looked all thru the Periodic Table of Elements but couldn't see it > anywhere! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you don't think they named it Surprise for nothing, do you? As } with many of the recently discovered heavy elements, Surprise has many } strange and startling properties. Here is what science knows about } Surprise to date: } } Symbol: Su } Atomic Number: variable } Mass: variable } Melting Point: variable } Boiling Point: variable } Isotopes: oodles } } Undoubtedly the most unpredictable of all the elements, Surprise takes } on so many isotopes and forms that it is impossible to describe it } generally. Here are just a few of its forms: } } Surprise-1: Often characterized by a brownish stain } Surprise-2: Sometimes similar in appearance to Su-1, } at other times pink, flaccid, and quick-moving } Surprise-3: Almost always a blush red color } Surprise-69: Hot pink, pliable, unstable and prone to } rapid combustion } } Surprise can also be seen occuring in various stages: } } Surprise-5: Large, goofy, purple and green appearance } Surprise-16: Often metallic, with wheels } Surprise-21: A foul-smelling liquid with toxic effects } Surprise-40: A sour, slow-moving solid } Surprise-80: Inert } Surprise-100: Rarely found, often volatile, sometimes accompanied } by a card from the President or Willard Scott } } So, as you see, Surprise has presented a unique challenge to scientists } over the years. Don't worry about its place on the periodic table ... } it will show up there when you least expect it. } } You owe the Oracle a cologne based on the Surprise-69 isotope.