From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Apr 8 00:10:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.17) id AAA09841; Wed, 8 Apr 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199804080510.AAA09841@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1003 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1003 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1003 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1003 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 998 98 votes iozg5 kmwj5 gFx80 buCg3 7loxd b7cuC 8yzj2 8irve 6mxra 6crun 998 3.0 mean 2.7 2.7 2.3 2.7 3.2 3.8 2.7 3.3 3.1 3.5 --- 1003-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Helpme quick please i need sql with cgi form for oracle no perl cuz > i dont understand regexps > *********************************************************************** > * GET YOUR freE EMAIL AT www.kluless.kom AND POST TO UZENET & THE WEB * > * ALSO WWWW pAGes HOSTING WITH CGI * > * YES THATS WRIGHT POINT YOUR NETSCAPE EXPLORER BROWSER TO * > * htp:\www.kluless/kpm * > * SPELL-CHECKING AVAILABL 2 * > * PLEZ KEEEP YOPUR .SIG TO 4 LINES EGGS-ACTLY! * > *********************************************************************** > /qit > /quit > /exit > /xit > /post > ^C^C > C-c C-c > :wq And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Zen Master thought on this for many minutes, never taking his gaze } from the pool before him. } } And finally, he spoke thus: } } " } hey what the hell are regexps i thought you were supposed to send me } something funny } boy they were right only real idiots use mail from klueless.com get a } real mail account!!!!! } and you spelled pearl wrong too!!!!!! haha what an idiot } _____________________________________________________________________ } You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. } Get completely free e-mail from Clue-No at http://www.clueno.com } Or call Clue-No at (800) 555-TWIT [555-8948] } " } } At this moment, the next supplicant in line became enlightened, and } promptly clubbed both of them. Thus did Og simultaneously discover the } joy of spiritual well-being and the related joy of beating an idiot } senseless. } } Og then say, "Who next?" Og see people run. Og see some people not } run. Og go to people who not run. Og hit them with big spiky club. } Og know smart people would run. Og have big spiky club. Duh. } } Ahem. Sorry. Og have ... arrg ... I had a relapse. } } You owe Oracle big, juicy, raw hunk of ... muffin. Og like muffins. --- 1003-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > almighty and wise oracle, who somehow knows what a feynman integral > actually does, > > i've arrived late to your wisdom. could you maybe get me up to speed > on some of the recurring themes of the oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Glad to help! New Incarnations are often befuddled by the complex and } seemingly contradictory truths that spout from the Muse, and so I } proudly provide: } } A POCKET GUIDE TO THE ORACULAR RUNNING JOKES } } First, let's introduce the cast of characters: } } The Internet Oracle (also known as The Usenet Oracle) } ----------------------------------------------------- } The Chief, the C.E.O., the Master, the Fount of Wisdom, the Muse, } "Orrie." The Oracle is omniscient, which means he knows everything. } Unfortunately, he is not omnipotent, so he's usually pretty petulant. } He demands grovels in return for his imparted wisdom. He lives in the } best house, drives the best car, has the best computer, knows the best } people, et cetera ad nauseum. He's about as close to perfect as he can } get. } } The Incarnation } --------------- } The Incarnation is the human being who actually types in the answers to } Oracular questions. The Incarnation, unlike the Oracle, is not } omniscient. According to myth, the Muse of the Oracle descends } perfectly upon the Incarnation and responds to the questions through him } or her, but in practice, poor Oracular answers can usually be blamed on } a bad connection. } } Lisa } ---- } Lisa is the Oracular Companion, She Who Must be Obeyed. She and the } Oracle have a healthy relationship in which he attends to her every } whim, and she spends all his money. She spends most of her time } changing outfits and waiting for Orrie to "pop the question." } } Zadoc } ----- } Zadoc is sometimes known as the High Priest, but usually as the Chief } Worm. His job description is "I do anything the Oracle tells me to do, } no matter how abasing, dangerous, or embarrassing, and then I thank him } for it." He is loyal to Orrie and (so he says) loves his job. There are } those who suggest that Zadoc is simply biding his time for a hostile } takeover. Zadoc spends most of his time grovelling. } } Og } -- } Og is a Neanderthal. (No, that's not an insult, that's just his } heredity.) He lives in the Stone Age with his wife Ogwa and their many } Oglings. The Oracle, by means known only to himself, often accepts and } answers questions from Og, and occasionally even sends him on small } adventures in other times and places for amusement's sake. Some of Og's } contemporaries are Ugh and Thag. Og spends most of his time beating } things with his spikey club and saying things like "Og here. Og want } know why mammoth so big! Or-a-kul answer Og?" } } The Priests } ----------- } A revered collection of people who work for the Oracle and determine } which questions and answers will be reprinted in the Digests. } (incidentally, the best way to get a feel for what kinds of answers the } Oracle gives is to go to the URL at the bottom and read, read, read. } Oracularities take time to appreciate.) Some of the Priests that } occasionally appear in Oracularities have names like Darkmage, Kirsten, } and Otis. They spend most of their time cursing and wallowing through } stacks of Oracularities. } } Kendai } ------ } Kendai is the newest character in the Oracularities. He's a work } experience priest under Zadoc who finds even the wonderments and } atrocities of the Oracle boring. He's about 16 and his best grovel so } far is "Yeah, GUV?" He spends most of his time standing around. } } Now that you can recognise some of the characters, here's some themes } you may see from time to time: } } Grovelling } ---------- } Any good question begins with a grovel. The Oracle is vain, and } requires grovelling to really get in the right mood to answer a } question. The correct formula for a question is: } } grovel } greeting } grovel } question } grovel } grovel } grovel } } Leaving out any of these grovels means an unhappy Oracle, and an unhappy } Oracle can mean a... } } ZOT } --- } The Oracle wields one weapon with expert precision: the ZOT staff. It } comes in many forms, including the ZOT wand, the MEGA-ZOT cannon, and } the battery-operated PocketZot. A ZOT is a highly-charged arc of } electricity--not unlike a lightning bolt--that incinerates the } supplicant in question. Generally the Oracle avoids ZOTing those who } ask him questions, but some supplicants simply demand it. For } example... } } The Woodchuck Question } ---------------------- } I won't reprint it here, but the woodchuck question--and woodchucks in } general--are the single most hated subject by the Oracular community. } Well, perhaps the second most hated... but we'll get to that. Despite } this fact, the most innovative and hilarious answers are often inspired } by the Woodchuck question. } } The Juno Incarnation } -------------------- } Purportedly, there is an Incarnation writing from a Juno account who } reads lots of questions off the queue and replies with nonsensical, } monosylabic answers that infuriate the supplicants. Whether true or } not, it reminds the rest of us Incarnations to make sure we put at least } as much work into the answer as the supplicant did into the question! } } That's a small fraction of the jokes that whizz through the Digests; for } more info, go to http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/index.html on the } Web or rec.humor.oracle and rec.humor.oracle.d on Usenet. } } You owe the Oracle a well-Digested submission. --- 1003-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should i do whan someebody sais: "I love you" ? > > 8-} Mary And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Og say: Hit on head with club. Drag back to cave. Make whoopie. } } M-x doctor say: I would appreciate it if you would tell me about your } relationship with me. } } Bill Gates say: "Love" is an integral part of the operating system and } there's nothing improper about us distributing it free } with the OS. Of course, you'll probably want to } upgrade to Love 2.0 ASAP to get rid of that "stalker" } bug. } } Lawyer say: Get it in writing. } } Valentine's candy hearts say: FAX ME } } Calvin say: Snow goons are bad news. } } :) say: 8-} ? } } :^) ! } } 8-} ?! } } 8-o*smooch*o^: } } ... } } 8-} :^) :-) 8^) } } Oracle say: You owe the Oracle some valentine's candy and a card that } says "Lisa, I have a perfectly good explanation why this } is late. You see, ..." --- 1003-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Most Highland Flinging, Haggis-Free, Single Malt Oracle Who Knows > That Nothing Is Worn Under His Kilt (It's All In Perfect Working Order), > And Who Could Headbutt A Glaswegian Before He Could Say "Take Tha' Ye > Sassenach!"... > > I think it would be a good idea to invite my entire family (including > in-laws) to spend the new year of 1999-2000 in a Scottish Castle, (which > can be rented for a moderately reasonable fee) not only for the Ultimate > Hogmanay, but also in order to avoid the Milleneum Bug: > > HOW THE MILLENIUM BUG WILL NOT AFFECT SCOTTISH CASTLES > > 1. Castles have real fireplaces, so we won't freeze when the gas & > electricity go off. > 2. Scotland is cold, so putting our perishables outside means our food > won't go off when the gas & electricity go off. > 3. When the water goes off, we can just melt some snow. > 4. No elevators to get stuck in. > 5. Scotland is mostly well off the commercial flight lanes, so we'd be > unlikely to get hit by falling aircraft whose navigation/fuel injection > systems go wonky at midnight. > 6. Military targets are few and far between, so the ICBMs [if > (cowntdown_time == 0) launch_missiles();] will probably land at a > safeish distance. (Except those with non-compliant navigation systems) > 7. If all family members are in one place, no-one will ring up a 100 > year transatlantic phone bill for a 3 minute conversation > > Is this a good idea? If not, could you give me a better one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm.... The country that invented Haggis, and then had 'McSweens' } sell a vegetarian version of it is known for its inventive ideas. } But, let's have a look at each of your reasons in turn. } } 1. Castles may have real fireplaces, but the average Scotsman is so } stingy that they'll sit there shivering rather than break open a new } book of matches. } } 2. Scotland being cold has nothing to do with your food not going off. } Not even a starving botulism bacteria would be silly enough to eat } a sheep's stomach stuffed with offal. } } 3. Given that the entire male population in Scotland gets thoroughly } drunk every night and staggers home through the streets, if you would } even consider drinking melted snow you're a braver man than I MacDuff. } } 4. True, there are no elevators to get stuck in, but slightly offend } your local drug baron and it's a sheep stomach that you'll get } 'stuck in'. After 'processing' in a back alley, with a cosh. } } 5. No major plane crashes expected. However, the recent eruption of } IRA activity in Britain means that once again helicopters full of } British army intelligence (sic) officers will rain from the skies. } } 6. The Stewart Formula One team blew up engines so often, and so } spectacularly last year, that several nuclear powers have concluded } that it was a front for weapons development. The missiles are being } aimed as we speak. } } 7. If all your family members look like you supplicant, you're in } for a stomach churning Hogmany if they all gather in one place. } } However, hmmmmmmm, it might be a good idea for you all to meet } after all. Get you all in the same room, or at least the same house. } Yep, sounds like a great idea supplicant. } } You owe The Oracle the co-ordinates of your planned meeting place. --- 1003-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I don't have much time, so please excuse the utter crappiness > of my grovel: you are wonderful. > > My doorbell just rang. There's a couple guys in suits carrying bibles > on the doorstep. They saw me look out the window so they know I'm > here. I don't think they'll go away unless I talk to them. What's the > easiest way to get them to leave me alone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle presents a "TOP TEN PRODUCTIONS" release: } } TOP 10 WAYS TO GET RID OF RELIGIOUS DELEGATIONS BEHIND YOUR DOOR } } 1) Make a watersoluble tattoo of an upsidedown cross on your forehead, } then hold your head out the window just long enough for them to see } it. } } 2) Say: "So nice of you to drop by! You have, of course come to see } Gina. She's been waiting for you. She's so hot, and only fifty bucks } an hour. Come on in." } } 3) Shout: "No-one here but us pagans!" } } 4) Strip naked, then open the door and act casual. } } 5) Make an evil face, and ask them if they've brought you more bibles } to burn. } } 6) Smear catchup all over your clothes, fire a couple of blank rounds } in the air, then quickly open the door and ask them what they want, } while keeping one hand behind your back. } } 7) Stick carrots in your ears, open the door and say: "Yes?" } } 8) Shout through the door: "You have reached the voicemailbox of . I'm not available right now, but if you leave a message, } I'll get back to you. Beep!" } } 9) Introduce your ten year old daughter to them, as your wife. } } 10)Explain to them that "the Oracle" told you not to open the door. } } You owe the Oracle a more tolerant attitude. --- 1003-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh grand Oracle who could peel a balloon... > > I went to a nude beach and was disappointed to see it looked just any > other beach, sand, water, gulls, buoys... what gives? Just what is it > about other beaches that makes them clothed beaches? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Must be the capes. } } You owe the Oracle a couple of codpieces. --- 1003-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O what can ail thee, Oracle, > Alone and palely loitering? > The posts have vanish'd from thy group, > And there's no grovelling. > > O what can ail thee, Oracle! > So haggard and so woe-begone? > The tellme queue is almost full, > And the digest's done. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant, life is sublime! } Filled with women, song and good wine, } Good hearted friends, mountains to climb } Thinking of Lisa takes much of my time } } I feel no grief when accosted by mimes, } or when I'm down to my last dime } Despair only comes, it's a real crime, } when reading poems that don't quite } } Seem to fit together somehow. } } You owe the Oracle a web page devoted to Oracular poetry. --- 1003-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh none Squeamish Oracle, who wastes not, and knows a > good source of protein when he sees it... > > Why doesn't the USA solve its twin problems of stray dogs > and hungry homeless people by turning dog catcher trucks > into open grill catering vehicles to feed the poor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, many of the homeless are intoxicated. If you feed them } to the poor dogs, you will get a bunch of addicted dogs, with a taste } for human flesh. In order to get money to buy more drugs or booze, } all the dogs will be criminals. As the U.S. police force has already } more work than they can handle, this will be a bad idea. } } You owe the Oracle a McRat. --- 1003-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why have elephants red eyes??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So they can fly from one side of the Serengeti to the other in time for } an early-morning business meeting. } } You owe the Oracle a seat *on the aisle*. --- 1003-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hotel Echo Lima Papa > > India Mike Sierra Tango Uniform Charlie Kilo India November Tango > Hotel Echo Alpha Romeo Mike Yankee And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sierra Oscar Romeo Romeo Yankee, India Charlie Alpha November Tango } Hotel Echo Lima Papa Yankee Oscar Uniform Whiskey India Tango Hotel } Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Sierra Tango Uniform Papa India Delta Mike } India Sierra Tango Alpha Kilo Echo Sierra. Whiskey Hotel Yankee Tango } Hotel Echo Hotel Echo Lima Lima Delta India Delta Yankee Oscar Uniform } Juliet Oscar India November Tango Hotel Echo Alpha Romeo Mike Yankee } Alpha November Yankee Whiskey Alpha Yankee. Tango Hotel Echo Oscar } November Lima Yankee Alpha Delta Victor India Charlie Echo India } Charlie Alpha November Gulf India Victor Echo India Sierra Tango Oscar } Delta Oscar November Tango Alpha Sierra Kilo (Delta Oscar November } Tango) Tango Echo Lima Lima. Kilo India Sierra Sierra Yankee Oscar } Uniform Romeo Charlie Oscar Mike Mike Alpha November Delta Echo Romeo. } Zulu Oscar Tango. } } Yankee Oscar Uniform Oscar Whiskey Echo Tango Hotel Echo Oscar Romeo } Alpha Charlie Lima Echo Alpha Tango Romeo Alpha November Sierra Lima } Alpha Tango India Oscar November Charlie Hotel Alpha Romeo Tango Alpha } November Delta Oscar November Echo Whiskey Oscar Oscar Delta Charlie } Hotel Uniform Charlie Kilo.