From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Mar 5 12:34:06 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.16) id MAA04634; Thu, 5 Mar 1998 12:34:06 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 5 Mar 1998 12:34:06 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199803051734.MAA04634@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #990 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 990 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #990 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 5 Mar 1998 12:34:06 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 990 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 985 92 votes 5qwm7 3gAt8 7tsj9 4vwi7 3alrv 3ntra 4fDmc eque8 5gnsk atti6 985 3.1 mean 3.0 3.2 2.9 2.9 3.8 3.2 3.2 2.7 3.5 2.8 --- 990-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you that this > so-called 'Internet Oracle' is guilty. Guilty! I tell you ladies and > gentlemen of the jury. Is this the kind of immortal being that you > would like answering questions from your sons and daughters. Don't > tell me the answer, I know the answer. It's 'no'. And to make sure > that we prevent this .... this ..... blasphemy, there is only one > thing that we can do ladies and gentlemen of the jury. And that is > to find this 'Internet Oracle' GUILTY AS CHARGED. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your Honor, before I begin my closing remarks, I must congratulate my } worthy adversary, the Prosecutor. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, } believe me when I tell you that you have been treated to a most } extraordinary performance on the part of the Prosecutor throughout the } course of this trial. Indeed, it was a rare performance, a performance } of such a quality that has not been seen within the halls of } jurisprudence, lo, these many years! } } For never in my rather extensive lifetime have I ever been privileged } to witness such an incredible number of distortions, misstatements, and } outright lies masquerading as the unvarnished truth. } } It really has been quite entertaining. I hope you've enjoyed it as } much as I. } } But I digress. } } The Prosecutor would have you believe that I am unfit to be "The } Internet Oracle". He would like you to believe that my character is so } debauched and depraved that the people of the world are at risk of } losing their moral fiber. } } Let us recall his rationale for this assertion: my alleged abusive } treatment of the Oracular Priesthood, particularly Zadoc; the } allegation that Lisa is living with me in an unlawful relationship; the } unwarranted accusation of cruelty to animals, particularly woodchucks; } and finally, the Prosecutor's assertion that the nature of payments } requested in return for my services are themselves sufficient evidence } of my moral bankruptcy. } } May I remind you that I do not seek supplicants? I would be quite } happy if the Prosecutor could convince a mere one tenth of a percent of } those who come to me for guidance to seek answers elsewhere. I could } use the break! But as an immortal being, it is incumbent upon me to } offer what aid I can to those who seek it. } } But seek me they do. } } Yes, I ask for items both rare and strange as payment for my services. } If I did not, I can assure you that the number of those who seek my } wisdom would rise higher still. But the foremost reason for the nature } of my payment requests is the benefit of the supplicants themselves. } } Yes, I said benefit! } } For if I did not request something difficult to obtain, the supplicant } would feel that they were somehow cheated, that I did not devote my } full attention to their predicament, that they wasted their time in } seeking an answer in the first place. After all, if free advice is } worth exactly what you pay for it, then expensive advice must also be } worth what you pay for it. Having received a difficult task in exchange } for the answer, they value that answer all the more. } } As to the charges of animal cruelty, may I remind the jury that the } Prosecutor has been unable to provide one single shred of physical } evidence that any animal--including woodchucks--was ever neglected or } abused in any way by myself or my staff. Yet he infers that this must } be so because he has seen correspondence in which I supposedly confess } desires to do, and admit having done, such things. But if he had been } as thorough in reviewing the correspondence of my admirers, he would } have discovered that the woodchuck abuse is nothing more than a running } gag, an inside joke between myself, my priests, and my more frequent } supplicants. } } But then, perhaps he believes that the slapstick violence of the Three } Stooges is real, as well. } } I have stipulated that Lisa does indeed live on the Oracular estate. } But I have produced proof in the form of architectural drawings and } video footage that Lisa has her own suite in a separate wing from my } own living quarters. As to the nature of our romantic relationship, I } will again stipulate that we are dating--because I am still grieving } over the end of my last intimate relationship. Lisa understands this } and is patiently waiting for me--and has testified to this. } } With respect to my treatment of Zadoc and the priests, I will simply } say again that what happens between consenting adults in the privacy of } their homes is their business and theirs alone. I'm sure you've heard } of people who receive gratification from submission--it's actually } quite common. I cannot share the names, because I will not violate the } confidence entrusted to me, but I can tell you that there is a far } greater number of people clamoring to become an Oracular priest than } are in the existing priesthood. I simply fill their need--it is my duty } as an immortal omniscient being. I'm quite certain that each of you has } tastes and desires that you're afraid others would label as perverted, } as does the Prosecutor himself--but again, I will not abuse my power by } divulging that information. } } The simple fact of the length of Zadoc's tenure should be sufficient to } assure you that he is not abused beyond the depth of his desire. } } As has been said many times in the course of this trial, I am immortal } and omniscient. By natural right, I am not beholden to this court. Yet, } does not the very fact that I agreed to this trial demonstrate my } humility? } } No, my friends, the real heart of the issue is that the Prosecutor } wants to dictate what you and your children can and cannot do. I quote: } } > Is this the kind of immortal being that you would like answering } > questions from your sons and daughters. Don't tell me the answer, I } > know the answer. It's 'no'. } } Witness the arrogance implicit in his closing argument: *he* knows the } answer! } } Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, who is better qualified to know the } answers: an omniscient, immortal being who possesses the wisdom of the } ages? Or a mortal of limited intelligence who pretends to know the } thoughts and desires of others even though he cannot bear to } contemplate his own? } } There can be but one verdict. I know, because I *am* the Internet } Oracle. } } And so I thank you for finding me not guilty. } } Case dismissed. } } You owe the Oracle damages in the amount of $25,000,000 plus costs. --- 990-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 42, Ha! Watch your back, Oracle! > _____________________________________________________________________ > > You don't need to buy Internet access to chuck free Internet e-wood. > > Get completely free e-wood from Chuckno at http://www.chuckno.com > > Or call Chuckno at (800) WUD-CHUK And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, I'm an Oracle--I don't need to watch my back, I know what's going } to happen. As a matter of fact, I know exactly what's going to happen } to you tomorrow afternoon at 2:36. However, you didn't ask me about } that. } } You owe the Oracle...oh, never mind. You don't have enough time to do } any shopping anyway. } _____________________________________________________________________ } You don't need to buy Internet access to get free e-zots. } Get completely free e-zots from The Oracle at http://www.oracle.zot } Or call The Oracle at (800) GET ZOTS and say "Chuckno sent me". Offer } void where prohibited by law. Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. If rash } develops, discontinue use. --- 990-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > Oracle, your niftyness, > > So now my advisor wants a publishable result in time for the ICAP > meeting in august. Is it possible? Will I really have to work 24 > hours a day until then? And is there any chance he'll give me a PhD > if I make it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course it is possible! Anything is possible! } } For example, it is also possible that your advisor will get hit and } killed by a falling meteor on the way home tonight. But, it neither is } very likely. } } Not to mention that if you stayed up the 22 hours a day my calculations } indicate would be necessary for you to complete the task, you would be } on some sort of wacked-out sleep depravation trip that would make LSD } trips look tame. Actually, in this state of mind the fact that you had } received your Ph.D. would be inconsequential to you. The fact that } there are big bugs running around the campus would be much more } exciting and thrilling. } } I am certain that what is important to you is to do a good job, not a } rushed one. You will be ready for your Ph.D. when you can take the } orange from my hand, grasshopper. Not before. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation. --- 990-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have sinned against Zeus and I am in desparate need of forgiveness. > I pray the Oracle will provide me an answer that will appease The Great > One (and keep him from taking off with one of my daugters). > > I erroneously allowed my five-year-old son to use my high-end, > 3d-accellerated bitchin' game machine for his game of Putt-Putt Goes to > the Moon. Somehow, my son managed to disable AutoPlay and now none of > my kick-ass game CDs will play automatically. I find that I have to > run the start program on the CD, and this has become annoying (yet more > proof that Zeus is vexing me). > > Pray, how do I re-activate AutoPlay in Windows 95? Of course, Bill > Gates & Co. cannot seem to answer my question, so I must turn to this > higher source. > > Your prompt response will be greatly appriciated. > > Your Humble Servant. > > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It sounds like he's got some butter or something in the works -- this } can grease the rollers and prevent the drive from spinning the CD } properly. This causes data skipping and so the autorun program } terminates without accessing the CD's Startup files. } Starting the CD manually, as you have been doing, tells it to ignore } all data losses -- have you noticed any problems with the games? I bet } that if you check carefully, most of the secret levels will be } inaccessible (for some reasons these files are most error-prone) } } To rectify the problem, you can either drop the computer in hot water, } or alternatively sandpaper your CDs. The former melts the butter out } of the drive, while the latter allows the pickup rollers to grasp the } CD more effectively. Some people report success by spreading Vegemite } on the CD -- this also makes the CD stickier, but is reversible should } you ever manage to get the butter out of the drive. --- 990-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most splendiferous, in whose eyes I am little more than a > blanched peanut, please tell me, why is it that the only time I ever > get phone calls is when I'm doing something interesting and would > prefer not to be disturbed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oooh...baby. Yeah! That's it! Do it again! You know you love it! Take } it all! Take it all! You... } } Uh. Oh, hi, supplicant. Busy? Perish the thought. I was just...reading. } } In answer to your question, you only recieve phone calls when you'd } rather not be disturbed for the same reason that... } } *RING* } } Hello? Hello, dear. Yeah. I know. No. I know. I know. No. I am not } arguing that with you. I am telling you that... No. I know. I KNOW. I } am not arguing that with you. I know. Yeah. Whatever. } } *CLICK* } } Sorry, supplicant. As I was saying, the phone only rings when you're } busy for the same reason that... } } *RING* } } Hello? Hey, Og. Yeah? What about him? Listen, Og, Or-acle busy right } now. Or-acle call Og later. What? Yes, yes, hit with spiky club. Smart } Og. } } *CLICK* } } It's like Grand Central Station here. Anyway, the phone always rings } when you've got better things to do because of an insidious universal } principle, know in philosophical circles as Funsterman's Axiom, which } states that... } } *RING* } } Hello? Dammit, fatboy, I'm gonna reduce you to a hunka hunka burning } PROTOPLASM if you don't stop calling me when you're drunk. } } *CLICK* } } Sorry. Anyway, where was I? Oh year, Funsterman's Axiom, which states } that any technical advance in the area of communication causes } interruptions at a rate directly proportional to its ubiquity and } inversely proportional to the Mean Boredom Level (MBL) of the potential } interruptee. The implications of this are, of course... } } *RING* } Oracle's Pager: *BEEP BEEP BEEP* } Smarmy AOL Voice: "You've Got Mail!" } Zadoc: Mail Call, oh Most Exalted One Whose Every Speck Of Navel Lint } Is More Treasured Than A Pearl Of Great Price. Where should I have the } native bearers start dumping the bags? } Landshark: Candygram. } Avon Lady: Avon Calling! } Two Guys in White Shirts with Bicycle Helmets: Have you heard of the } Book of Mormon? } } Aaargh! Listen supplicant, can I call you back? You've reached me at a } really inconvenient time. } } You owe the oracle some "reading material." --- 990-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there any connection to Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There was, but it was cut just after he was born. --- 990-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh hideous[1] Oracle, who is hung like a horse[2], whose infatuous[3] > companion Lisa is the envy of all men[4], why do I always[5] feel > compelled to add footnotes[6] to whatever I write[7]? > > [1] hideous (adj.) - like a hide, i.e. skinny. From this we infer that > the Oracle is thought to be beautiful by current Western standards. > > [2] Well, OK, a 3 foot tall miniature pony. But it's still technically > a horse. > > [3] infatuous (adj.) - without fat. See hideous. > > [4] Yes, I know, there are some who prefer other men. But then there > are some women who'd envy Lisa, so it balances out in the end. > > [5] Well, almost always[8]. > > [6] I think that's what these things are called. I expect if they were > to the side of the text, rather than beneath it, they'd be annotations. > > [7] Also to whatever I say, and this tends to confuse many people. > > [8] Did you catch the subtle reference to Gilbert[9] & Sullivan[10]? > > [9] Sir W. S. > > [10] Sir Arthur[11]. > > [11] No relation to the King[12]. > > [12] A different Arthur. Probably[13] a Celtic heathen. > > [13] It was the Dark Ages, so we'll never[14] be sure. > > [14] Unless we ask the Oracle, of course. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ritalin [1] can help you keep from jumping from subject to subject } [2]. And make it easier for you to talk to other people. [3] } } [1] Made by Ciba Geigy } } [2] You need to talk to your Doctor [4] about getting a prescription } [5]. } } [3] Unless they don't like you. } } [4] The Medical kind. [6] } } [5] Also known as a "script" [7] } } [6] I suppose you could talk to a person with a doctorate in math, } but he [8] won't be able to get you a prescription.[9] } } [7] Not to be confused with the kind used in plays and such. } } [8] "He" was used as a gender neutral pronoun. [10] } } [9] Unless he [11] has stolen a pad from a Medical Doctor. } } [10] I just don't want any one to think I'm sexist. } } [11] See [8] [12] } } [12] You owe the Oracle a road map of the above footnotes. --- 990-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, who can deduce the existance of a sub-atomic > particle at a glance, please tell me... > > My snowblower has been broken for a week. Every time I fix it, > something else breaks down. I have about 18 inches of snow I have > to clear from my driveway and I can't afford to hire someone with a > snowplow on their pickup truck to come dig me out. > > How do I get rid of all that snow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you tried a flame-thrower? That'll melt it right down, and the } cheery glow will be like an open invitation to your neighbors. You can } all stand around the flame-thrower, singing songs and vaporizing hot } dogs while you slag your driveway. } } Too extreme? Here's what you do - get about 100 lbs of sugar and } several gallons of food coloring. Tell the kids in your neighborhood } that you've got the world's largest slushee, and it's free! All that } sugar will give them plenty of energy to keep slurping, and soon } you'll have a snow-free driveway and a battalion of ten-year olds } wired to the gills on sugar (just what you always wanted). } } You owe the Oracle a new set of snow tires. --- 990-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how many kinds of diarrhea are there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Three - Electronic, Verbal and Physical. } } Electronic looks like: } "Earn $50,000 working at home!!!" } "Live 1-on-1 Nude Girls!!!!" } "Revolutionary New Product!!!" } } As for verbal, well... Zadoc! } } "You called, O He Whose Breath is Sweeter Than The Fabled Unicorn, } Whose Every Word Contains More Wisdom Than All The Religious Texts } Ever Written, Whose Radiance Outshines The Dawn, Whose Toes Are } Deliciously Adorable, Whose - " } } That'll do, Zadoc. } } "But what did you... Ummm... Yes, O Majestic One, To Whom All Must } Bow, Before Whom Even The Mystic LLamas Of- " } } ENOUGH! OUT, OUT!! } } Ahem. What was the third one again? Oh yes, Physical. Go to Joe's } Truck Stop just off the Interstate and ask for an Extra-Spicy } Mystery Meat Burrito Surprise. You'll find out everything you need } to know about the Physical sort. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for the first two. --- 990-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, the face that launched a million ships, who makes Fabio > look like Danny De Vito, stronger than Arnie, more graceful than, > than... well, more graceful than someone who's really graceful. > > Anyway, I need your advice, Orrie (can I call you that?) > > A lot of girls have said to me, "You'll make someone a really good > husband some day." As I appear to be having about as much luck with > the girls as your illustrious president (probably less -- at least > he seems to have gotten somewhere ^H^H with a couple of them), I can > only surmise that this is in fact some form of subtle feminine insult. > > What's the story here? And can you recommend a good > computer-nerd-gets-the-girl movie I can take the next interesting > girl who happens by along to? > > Thanks a million! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, Mr Frankenstein, you will make someone a very good husband } some day, but you have to get your doctorate and buy an old castle } first. } } But seriously if the 'Computer Nerd' image is causing you problems, } then all you have to do is pretend to be something more ... exciting. } Go, supplicant, get thee to a charity shop and buy thyself some } designer clothes (an Armani suit should do the trick). Buy a flash } suitcase, and chain it to your wrist. Never open it and refuse to say } what's in it. Carry a mobile phone and have friends call you on it. } Respond in invented foreign languages. Don't explain what it is that } you're up to. Become moody and uncommunicative every five minutes, even } if you're alone. Carry icing sugar and snort a line every five seconds. } Pretend to be gay by stroking your male friends lightly on the arms } and picking lint off their clothes. In other words, pretend to be the } man that no sane or intelligent woman would have anything to do with. } Women will come flocking. } } Not many 'computer-nerd-gets-the-girl' movies around, but check out } the lyrics to Young MC's 'That's the way love goes'. } } You owe The Oracle a copy of the new self help book 'How to Make Any } Man Feel Completely Inadequate'.