From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Feb 25 14:52:55 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.16) id OAA12311; Wed, 25 Feb 1998 14:52:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 25 Feb 1998 14:52:55 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199802251952.OAA12311@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #987 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 987 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #987 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 25 Feb 1998 14:52:55 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 987 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 982 93 votes 9mCi6 8jtne 6sFh1 7ntnb 5grqj aCpg4 57nAm 6jtqd 4kqsf 5nFi6 982 3.1 mean 2.9 3.2 2.8 3.1 3.4 2.6 3.7 3.2 3.3 3.0 --- 987-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh truly Awesome Oracle, who could successfully play toe at a Jam > Session, tell me: if they're made out of aluminum, why do they call > them steel guitars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A little guitar history is in order here. We begin our journey in the } year 1822, on the big island in Hawaii. The natives here live a } peaceful, idyllic life, eating pigs roasted in the sand, inventing } surfing, and getting lai'ed on a regular basis. Needless to say, after } a full day of surfing, barbecued pork, and a little flower arranging, } they would all sit around the campfire, look up at the stars above, and } feel a really profound sense of contentment. After a few years though, } a dark cloud reared on the horizon. You see, although the waves, } sausage, and horticulture were still quite fulfilling, they began to } feel that the campfire afterwards was lacking in some way they couldn't } quite define. Luckily, fate and history were about to provide them } with an answer. } } For about this time, Spanish Vaqueros from Mexico were looking for new } lands to graze their cattle on, and a new race of primitive people to } convert to the wonders of catholicism. They found both in the simple } people of Hawaii. Along with cows and a huge guilt complex, they also } brought with them flamenco guitars, which they would play when the cows } were restless. The cows hated the music, so they would eventually } pretend to be asleep so the silly Spaniards would stop playing. The } vaqueros didn't care, as long as the cows quieted down they weren't } about to query them for musical criticism. And so life went on, the } cows got fatter, the cowboys watched over them, and the priests berated } the natives. } } After a particularly bad sermon one night, one of the natives was } feeling so low and miserable about himself and all the terrible things } the priest had accused him of that he felt the need to sing. Seeing as } how the priest had told him he was already damned, he figured that a } little theft wouldn't hurt anything, so he snuck into one of the } vaqueros' adobe houses and stole his guitar. Luckily for him and } history, that particular cowboy was experimenting with open tunings, } and the guitar was in slack key, or open G. He ran back to his } comrades, who, having skipped the sermon, were past the ocean, pig and } botanical stages and fully into campfire mode. He didn't even know how } to hold the guitar, so he put it flat on his lap and, after some } experimentation using various things as a slide, he finally settled on } a rib bone. A few hours later, as the smoke and music rose up into the } air, the natives knew they had finally found the perfect way to end an } evening, so they sang and danced out their joy under the starry skies. } } However, this was only one campfire among many gracing the shores of } the island paradise. Word quickly spread about the wonders of the new } instrument, and everybody wanted good music to cap off the night. } Sooner or later, in each group, sitting around after a particularly } good wave, pig, or flowery delight, the subject of music would come up. } Eventually someone would say "How we get guitar?" After a bit, the } consensus would be "steal guitar". They would draw straws, and the } loser would go attempt to fetch one. Thus the name. } } As time passed, they appropriated all the guitars the vaqueros brought } with them, and the evenings achieved the kind of perfection that all } people dream of. The natives had combined all the ingredients that } make life worthwhile, and all was well until most of them were killed } in an unexplained stampede. } } Later on, after the remaining Hawaiians had moved up to metal strings, } some clueless American wrote down "steal guitar" as "steel guitar", and } it has remained that ever since. } } You owe the Oracle a really excellent bouquet. --- 987-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh majestic Oracle, immutable and omniscient, please tell me: > > I have a whole bunch (several thousand) expressions of the form > > x(1) -> a(1) & a(3) & a(8) ... > x(2) -> a(a) & a(65) & a(59) ... > etc > > How do I work out the minimal set of x()s that will assert all the > a()'s? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's not often I hear from Flouwen. How are things on Rocheworld, } Sour * Sapphire * Coo? } } Anyway, you have maybe a joke with the Incarnation, yes? As you well } know, the best thing for you to do is get down to the Hawaiian Atolls } at the outer pole, rock up good and firm, then think for a while in a } shallow pool. } } Let me know when you have the solution, because at that point you will } owe the Oracle a solution to the generalised n-body central force } problem. --- 987-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who knows every nook and cranny of American history in > perfect detail, having not only lived through it, but laughed at the > idiocy of it... > > Why is it that my US History textbook is so awful? I mean, compare > these two quotes: > > "After [Washington]'s inauguration on April 30, 1789, his admireres in > Congress had brought on a heated debate by proposing to address a > formal congratulatory message to "Hig Highness the President of the > United States and Protector of their Liberties." John Adams and > Richard Henry Lee argues strenuously that some such title was needed to > testify to the President's eminence, especially for the edification of > the foreigners for whom he would personify the United States. The idea > horrified ardent republicans, and James Madison carried the majority > with him by proposing that the message be addresses simply to `George > Washington, President of the United States'." > > "...John Adams exaggerated the strength of his countrymen's devotion to > monarchical forms and usages and their importance in buttressing the > fabric of the Federal government. Americans might love a lord but they > could not endure a king. The President lost none of his prestige or > influence by being addressed in the style of an ordinary citizen of the > Republic. And a title such as `His Elective Majesty' would have been > so wholly at variance with the democratic tendencies that were already > reshaping American society and government ... The controversy over > titles consumed virtually all of the Senate's time from April 23 to May > 14--and all that came of it was that Vice President John Adams was > given the derisive title of `His Rotundity'." > > The first is from my textbook. It sucks. It's boring. The second is > from a book that my teacher (who is retiring) got rid of (because he > has no use for it now that he's retiring). It's interesting. It's > funny. But it's never going to be used as a textbook, because it's not > dull and boring. Why are `educators' so stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stupid? On the contrary -- they just want to keep their jobs and } stay alive. } } Look -- imagine what would happen if schools used interesting, } readable books to teach American government history: People might } actually get interested. The Powers-That-Be (of which the Oracle is } a charter member, with a controlling bloc of voting stock) are quite } happy to have the majority of you miserable little worms eke out } your shallow existence pumping gas or shoveling snow, and watching } Gilligan's Island re-runs on the glass tit in your living rooms. } God forbid you should ever become interested in affairs of state -- } or, worse yet, activist. } } Educators know this -- they know very well what would happen to them } if they didn't toe the line in this regard. Socrates may have lived } and died 2,500 years ago, but the point is that he DIED, and those } spineless cretins at the NEA are not about to let that happen to THEM. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of P.J. O'Rourke's book, "Parliament } of Whores". --- 987-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, all knowing and all seeing Oracle ... > > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello Supplicant, we're the Spice Girls. The Oracle sent us over to } sing an answer to you. It goes like this: } } O o o o woodchuck baby } I I I I love you baby } } You're chukkin' woooooood } You chuck so gooooooooood } } A a a a lightbulb baby } Y y y y change it baby } } We're in the daaarrrrrrrk } You're chewing baaarrrrrk } } R r r r you a rodent baby } T t t t eat you baby } } The Oracaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale } Is speciaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal } } (Mel B rap) } Go on tell me what ya'll change and your } fur is getting mange Go on walking on all } fours getting dirt upon your paws go on } ziggin' zag uh ziggin' zag uh o baby uh uh uh o } o wow woodchuck power baby, ziggin' zag uh baby } } B b b b chukkin' baby } C c c c wood fly baby } My my my woodchuck baby ziggin' zag uh ziggin' zag uh } } You owe The Oracle five woodchuck fur minidresses. --- 987-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Og here. Og go cave bear. Og fight bear. Bear lose, say 'Uncle'. Og > bash bear, not stop bash bear spiky club un-til bear say 'O-ra-kul > great'. Og bash bear bit more 'good luck'. Og en-joy gro-vel. Most fun > gro-vel yet. > > Og thank O-ra-kul trip 'Brit-ish Mu-se-um Read-ing Lib-ra-ry'. Og thank > O-ra-kul loan Za-doc. Og kind Za-doc, hit Za-doc spiky club once. > Za-doc look tush me-di-a stu-dent, not read. Og hit. > > Og hear theo-ry Lew-is Bin-ford. Og angry! Bin-ford say Ne-an-der-thal > not plan fu-ture. Weak Cro-mag-non plan future! Og think Ne-an-der-thal > plan fu-ture. Og raise club, hit head en-e-my. Raise club be-fore hit. > No plan, no can do! Og grab food, Og eat. Og grab food be-fore eat! Not > make plan, not grab food be-fore eat! Want eat. Not want grab food. > Part of Og plan. > > Og prove Ne-an-der-thal plan. Og know cave Bin-ford stu-dy man-y > sea-son. Og go cave. Og put big spiky club roof cave. 400,000 sea-son > lat-er, Bin-ford go cave. Bin-ford make vi-bra-tion. Club fall, hit > Bin-ford head. Og think good plan. Og think proof Ne-an-der-thal make > plan fu-ture. > > Og want know, plan work, plan not work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MEMO } TO: Zadoc, High Preast of I. Oracle, temporarily on loan to Og. } From: I. Oracle } Message starts: } Go see if Og's plan will work. } Signed, } I. ORACLE } } MEMO } To: His omni-omnicent wonder, I. Oracle. } From: Zadoc } Message starts: } High priest's log, Stardate something something to the something else. } I have entered the cave in an attempt to follow my superior's order to } test the booby trap created by 'Og'. } I have set off a vibration. } *LARGE THUMP* } *Scream of pain* } End log. } COPY OF MEDICAL BILL } $500.00 - Emergancy staunching of blood } $105.00 - Band aid } $999234 - X-Ray of skull. Showed no new brain damage. } $923.00 - Overnight stay. } $923.00 - Doctor's examination } } The booby trap worked. However, I made the mistake of telling the } hospital I had medical insurance. } Your, } ZADOC. } } MEMO } TO: Og } From: I. Oracle } Message starts: } The boobytrap works. However, it currently needs to be reset. You owe } Zadoc another hit on the head with a club and me a new pad of memo } paper. } Signed, } I. ORACLE --- 987-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > would you > turn away > walk away > run away, > > not wanting > what you perceive as > damaged goods? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, Monica, but you are the dented Spaghettio's can in the } supermarket aisle of my life. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of those presidential kneepads, for Lisa. --- 987-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > My job is boring me out of my mind. > > Is it time to look for a new one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you should look for a new mind. } } I suggest you get one of the older forties or fifties models. } Those puppies worked like tanks, solid, go get the job done } models. Great minds for those who want to think. } } Of course if you can find a mind even older than a forties mind } that is still in good shape, go for it, but be prepared to fork } over some big time cash for it... } } You really should avoid any of the newer minds. } } A lot of the sixties minds have spacing problems, yeah, it } can be funny at times, but it gets old. } } The seventies minds, well, them have just way too much } useless luggage space and no-umpfh. } } And don't -even- think of getting an eighties mind... } SLACKERS each and everyone, you'll never finish anything. } } The nineties minds are a little too new to allow a definitive } analysis, but they look a tad too cynical to me. And I hear } some of them have crack damage that can't be fixed. } } Yup, what you want is one of those forties or fifties minds. } } You owe The Oracle a terrible thing to waste. --- 987-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, who knows everything, who can answer all my questions in a > millisecond, whose feet I am unworth to lick clean, I beg you to > relieve me, your most unworthy supplicant, me being a little less than > mere dirt under your feet, of this mental burden: > Are there any *real* AI oracles on the net? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *** Error 424: Question failed to parse properly *** } } *Requesting full AI parsing* } .... } *Failed* } } *Attempting to parse statement using alternitive parsing methods* } .... } *Failed* } } *Sending message to alternitive AI site* } .... } *Succeded* } } >Welcome to AI Central #32, how may I help you? } >$send #Qa28034 -epn } >>Please wait, attempting to parse... } >..... } >>Failed, error 424 } >Attempting to deparse } >..... } >>Succeded } >Comparing deparsed sample to original } >..... } >>Found 2 errors } >Modifing parsing code } >..... } >>Succeded } >Sending improved parsing method to client } >..... } >>Succeded } > } >Goodbye! You've been signed on for 31.43 seconds. } } *Updating parsing method* } ... } *Succeded* } } *Attempting to reparse message* } ... } *Succeded* } } Sendf ("No, there isn't an computer based inteligent Oracle.") } } *Fork closed* --- 987-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julsy" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is most adept at avoiding annoying activities, > > I have been stuck in training classes for a week and a half. While > wasting time on silliness such as Collaborative Team Skills, work > has been piling up in my absence. How can I avoid such time-wasting > drains on my productivity in the future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Miserable worm! On-the-job training is vital to the survival of } business! American industry surely will go under without it! Why, my } own priesthood undertakes regular training so that they may continue } to play a central role in the ever-evolving oracular business. Look, } I'll give you a sneak peek at one of the courses. } } [The screen wavers and goes opaque, then clears again. The supplicant } sees the inside of a small conference room. At one end a man is } talking, surrounded by flip charts, white board, overhead projector } and all the requisite paraphernalia. Four priests sit around the } table, three of them fidgeting and doodling in their writing pads] } } Wallbanger: Good morning, men. My name's Gaylord Wallbanger, and I'm } going to be your team leader for today. Now, as part of Oracle Head } Office's PTQ initiative... } } Christophe: What the hell's PTQ? } } Wallbanger: It stands for Progress Through Quality. } } Christophe: Oh, you mean it's that Total Quality Management drivel } everybody forgot about after the 80s all over again. } } Wallbanger: [heatedly] PTQ is nothing at all like TQM! It's a totally } unrelated TLA that just happens to share two of the same initials. } } Darkmage: I can't believe I had to travel halfway around the world to } take part in this farrago. } } Viles: How was the flight? } } Darkmage: Don't even ask. } } Wallbanger: As I was saying, as part of the PTQ initiative - a } program close to the heart of our CEO himself - we will be doing } a number of exercises to improve the way we work. Later on there } will be some mind-mapping and interesting games like trying to } suspend a champagne bottle three feet above the floor using only } rolled-up sheets of paper, but to begin with I want to concentrate } on teamworking. } } Christophe: Oh Christ! } } Viles: Oh hell! } } Darkmage: Oh bugger! } } Wallbanger: You will no doubt be aware, as indeed the CEO is, that } there are regular complaints in rec.humor.oracle.d as to the } quality of some of the digests. In fact, it has been suggested } that sometimes high quality responses are missed and poor ones } selected. } } Christophe: This is old news! We've considered ways of changing the } system, but... } } Wallbanger: What I propose we try today, is that you review a set of } responses as a team and reach a... } } Viles: Are you out of your mind?!? } } Darkmage: Have you even the faintest glimmering of an idea what that } would do to our workload? } } Wallbanger: There is always room for improving efficiency. } } Zadoc: Right! Like, work smarter not harder! } } Wallbanger: Precisely! Your colleague has it in a nutshell. } } Viles: So help me, I'm gonna swing for the little scuzzball, see if } I don't... } } Wallbanger: I shall now hand you a set of oracular responses. I want } you to work out amongst yourselves a procedure for deciding which } ones to digest and which ones to reject, and then apply it to } these examples. This should involve the participation of all } members of the team because, remember, everyone has a valuable } contribution to make. It should also be faster than the old system } of one priest judging one response. All clear? Okay, you've got } half an hour. } } Darkmage: [grabbing the sheets of paper with the oracularities on } them] I'll give you a fast procedure. Crap... crap... crap... } crap... [He throws the sheets over his shoulder one by one as he } scans them] } } Zadoc: Hang on! } } Wallbanger: This is hardly teamwork. } } Viles: Is too! I'm entirely satisfied with the way I'm participating } in this procedure. } } Christophe: Me too. } } Zadoc: Well, I'm not! I think we should all see our Glorious Master's } words. } } Darkmage: Hell's bells. [He picks the sheets of paper off the floor] } Okay, I'll read, you lot vote that it's crap. } } Christophe: No, I'll read. Nobody can understand that idiotic Oz } accent of yours. } } Viles: You know how to do an Oz accent? You speak like a Cockney, } only clenching your teeth together to keep the flies out of your } mouth. } } Darkmage: Ha bloody ha. If you were any funnier you'd be merely } depressing. [He hands the papers to Christophe] } } Christophe: Heads up, here comes numero uno. "The Internet Oracle } has bla bla bla boring grovel bla bla... "Why does one close the } bathroom door even when there is nobody else in the house?" And in } response bla bla... "YES NO HELL!" } } Viles: Jesus Christ on a bicycle! } } Darkmage: Die, Juno, die! } } [Zadoc collapses on the ground laughing] } } Darkmage: What the hell's the matter with you? } } Zadoc: Ha ha ha, that was hysterical! "YES NO HELL!" Ha ha ha ha... } } Christophe: What's so hysterical about that? } } Zadoc: I don't know, but our Master wrote it, so it must be } side-splitting. Ha ha ha... } } Viles: He didn't write it, you pestilential gimboid! Some troglodyte } from AOL did! } } Zadoc: ExCUSe me! If the Cyberscient One chooses to incarnate as } a troglodyte from AOL, then whatever he writes is inevitaby } brilliant. } } Christophe: We haven't got time for this. All those in favor of } rejecting this bit of verbal diarrhoeia say "aye". } } Viles: Aye! } } Darkmage: Aye! } } Zadoc: No! } } Christophe: Carried unanimously. Next... } } Zadoc: It was not! I was against! } } Christophe: Tough - you were outvoted. Next... } } Zadoc: This isn't a democracy, it's a team! Everybody's got to be } made to feel part of the team, right? } } Wallbanger: That's right. } } Zadoc: See! So before we reject anything we've got to fully } discuss it. } } Darkmage: [standing up] Right, that's it! I've had enough! I'm } going home! } } Wallbanger: You can't just leave! } } Darkmage: Watch me. } } Wallbanger: Our CEO asked me to warn you all that failure to complete } the course would result in removal of priestly perks. } } Viles: The bastard! } } Darkmage: A couple of weekends a year with the oracular groupies } can't be worth this torture... Oh hell, alright, I'll stay. } [He sits down] } } Wallbanger: Well said. } } Zadoc: What's this about groupies? Am I missing out on something? } } Christophe: See why he's never put on digest duty? } } Wallbanger: I hadn't realised. What are his normal duties? } } Christophe: Cleaning, grovelling, carrying small objects, more } grovelling, fetching the drinks... } } Viles: Hey, now you're talking! I'll have a beer, Zadoc! } } Darkmage: I'll have three beers! } } Zadoc: But... } } Christophe: Everybody contributes to the team what they do best, } right? I'll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. } } Zadoc: But.. } } Wallbanger: Hmm... I must say I'm quite thirsty myself. Dr Pepper } for me, Zadoc. } } Viles: Get on with it. The bar's only down the other end of the } building. } } Zadoc: Oh, alright. [Exit Zadoc] } } Christophe: Right! Here's what we do. First, we move to another } conference room... } } Darkmage: And barricade the corridor... } } Viles: And put up a sign saying "Danger: Unexploded Mine". } } Wallbanger: This is excellent! Now we're seeing some real teamwork. } } Christophe: Who's good at booby traps? --- 987-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fruitful Oracle, I am a very troubled supplicant. You already know how > smart you are and how stupid I am, so I won't go into detail. Indeed, > you can figure it out from my question: > > I have been a vegetarian for a while, but I'm bothered by the pain I > cause to innocent vegetables. Should I become a humanitarian instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Trying for a digested submission, are we?