From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov 18 08:25:41 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.12) id IAA26495; Tue, 18 Nov 1997 08:25:41 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 18 Nov 1997 08:25:41 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199711181325.IAA26495@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #960 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 960 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #960 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 18 Nov 1997 08:25:41 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 960 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 955 96 votes 7fnvk cnId4 7vvn4 bhupd 28pDm 7iIk7 buDc4 9wBd5 8jww5 6oouc 955 3.1 mean 3.4 2.7 2.9 3.1 3.7 3.0 2.7 2.7 3.1 3.2 --- 960-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh almighty Oracle whose processor pins I am not fit to floss, > > Who is Keyser Soze? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are you sure you want to know this? Okay... } } The Trilateral Commission, along with the Federal Reserve Board, } decided that the citizens of the United States had to be controlled } before they discovered the truth about the Knights Templar. Therefore, } the U.N. began sneaking NATO soldiers, disguised as communist Chinese, } into the Bahamas (which, not by coincidence, is where the Duke of } Windsor spent his years in exile after he discovered that the Royal } Family was behind the international cocaine trafficking). Adolph } Hitler, still alive in 1971, from his bunker at the South Pole, } directed the "sampling" of Americans (usually from rural areas in the } South) by the Small Greys from their space ships; the Mother Ship, in } orbit over Moscow, continued to supply the heirs of Stalin (himself a } descendent of Leonardo da Vinci) with the time-travelling technology, } which allowed them to "tweak" the time-line involving the pyramids. } Meanwhile, the Masons, directed by the Illuminati, began to insert } computer chips into the buttocks of randomly-slected Patriots } throughout the Midwest states in the U.S.A. Flouridation of the water } supply had so weakened the population of the United States that it was } simple for the Bilderburg Society to steal all the gold from Fort Knox } and put the U.S. Dollar on the oatmeal standard. Meanwhile, } archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institution (funded by Smithson, a } cousin of Queen Victoria, the greatest -- next to Elizabeth II -- } cocaine trafficker) covered up the true nature of the landing strips on } the Plain of Nazca in Peru and forced the scientific community to } ignore the Antarctic entrance to the Center of the Earth, where Adolph } Hitler was hiding out. Of course, the so-called "scientists" at NASA } covered up the truth about the Face on Mars, which would have proved } that both the Aztecs and the Egyptians were visited by the Large Greys, } who impregnented numerous humans with their seed in order to create } Albert Einstein, who went rogue and planted the idea of } faster-than-light travel before he was assisinated by The Greens. Not } until 1961, when Fidel Castro, himself a product of the genetic } experiment of the Large Greys, tried to call in the Mother Ship to } destroy the then-dangerous United States did John F. Kennedy, a member } of the Order of the Second Inquisition, try to "take him out." } Naturally, the World Council of Churches put out a "hit" on JFK, with } the blessing of Lyndon Johnson, a member of the "Boxers", who had been } suppressed by the British in 1901 under the orders of Queen Victoria. } Johnson had been instructed by the Council of the Elders of Zion, who } had engineerd *both* the International Marxist Conspiracy *and* the } International Capitalist Conspiracy (nice trick, eh?) to hide the fact } that Kennedy, who was part of the Small Blue conspiracy to take over } the Earth, hadn't been killed by the Small Greys (who used Oswald as a } patsy) in order to checkmate their enemies. Meanwhile, Kaiser Solze } (you used the wrong spelling) was an ambassador from the Knights } Templar to try to influence Oliver Stone into believing that the } Vietnam War was a conspiracy between the military-industrial complex, } whereas, we know, it was really a Small Grey-Knights Templar-Second } Inquisition-International Monetary Fund-Council on Foreign Relations } conspiracy... } } Got it, now? } } You owe the Oracle an explanation for the black helicopters that keep } hovering over my temple... --- 960-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SECRET -- NOFORN > > > +----------------------------------------+ > | THIS QUESTION INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK | > +----------------------------------------+ > > > SECRET -- NOFORN And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, another round of "I'm too embarrassed to ask this question, so } I'll rely on the fact that the Oracle is omniscient, and therefore } already knows it." At least you've thoughtfully provided the } headers and footers of one of the humanity(1) man pages as a clue. } I'll have to speak to Jehovah about letting that book lie around } where you mortals can find it... } } Anyway, the answer is: Yes, as you suspected, you *are* still a } virgin because (like most computer geeks) you were compiled with } the "nofornicate" option enabled. You can get around this by } downloading a replacement LIBIDO run-time library that will allow } you to "fork". } } You owe the Oracle your firstborn child process. --- 960-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who can always top "infinity plus one," please > enlighten me: > > What happened to that $50 I lost after my prom date crashed my car in > a secret attempt to influence her lesbian sister to join the military > which was officially run by a two-headed monster whose sister-in-law > was really in love with the President who was secretly in love with > his secretary who was secretly snorting cocaine? Did I drop it on > the streeet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nope, it was nicked by your friend the drug-dealer who provides the } stuff to the secretary of the golf club president who's loved by the } *other* sister-in-law of the victim of the multiple head syndrome } (MHS) who runs the armed troops which attract many well-known lesbians } whose sisters date persons like you, and I do not mean this to be } taken negatively, who don't quite manage to keep track of their money, } not to mention their cars, which they let their dates to crash into } trees which have a history of perfect health with no signs of bark } damage, even so much so as to be considered a promising contender in } the national Healthy Tree contest designed to promote environmental } values and respect of nature, but of course you wouldn't find this of } any importance in your short-sighted concentration on issues monetary, } which, rest assured, will in due order result your eventual demise } in no less than a fraction of the time of the life of a certain tree. } Happy now? --- 960-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +---+ } | O } | -#- } | / \ } | } + --- 960-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > beavis And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quaballah and mystery! yay! } } I divide your question into two parts: } } Bea } } and } } vis } } Mazes are easier to solve from the exit so we will start from the end. } I understand. You stand at the brink of a crossroads. Usually mapped } with an x you are so very much at the crossroads that you cannot even } see them diverge. You use the glyph v to show the two roads ahead. } } then you use the glyph } } i to indicate the point . self and the linear past | at the same } time. Indeed. We are the now, yet we are our past. i is the dual } symbol for I. } } Then you use an s glyph of the winding road; i is too simplisitic for } the self does not stand alone - it travels through life's blind curves. } You mortals do not know what is coming. } } v i s then is an essential expression of your selfhood(i) flanked } by two kinds of essential confusion (v) and soul travel (s). Now we } look to the beginning of your question: } } bea } } Oh this alarming! A clockwise spiral (a)! a counterclockwise spiral } (e)! Finally the letter b. Endless maytag - style churning results } only in a I tangent to the o (the circular wholeness, NOT INCIDENTALLY } the first letter of my groovy name) What you need is some kind of } closure. If you turn your monitor on its side that beastly b will } look quite a bit like an Omega. That would be my recommendation to } your tortured question. } } You owe the oracle a 3d mouse and a Rosicrucian quide to ASCII and } Unicode symbolism. } } } I understand that you seek guidance. --- 960-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest Oracle, instructeth me now... > > I have told Curt how I love him, and he told me it meant a lot to him. > I feel however that his feelings towards me are less strong, as he > has not specifically said to me that he loves me too. Wisest Oracle, > I do love him so; doth he loveth me? What shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ouch, what a bummer. It's always awkward when you don't get that } I-Love-You return. } } However, don't lose hope! Your amour may actually love you just } as much as you love him; men simply have trouble expressing their } feelings. And it's not for the reasons you might suspect. } } Many women believe that men simply aren't romantic at heart. They } think that we purposely remain stoic to preserve our "macho image," } or for any of a hundred other reasons. This rumor is completely and } totally incorrect; it was started by a female psychiatrist in 1978, } after her husband divorced her and ran off to Barbados with their } mailman. } } The truth is that nearly all men are, deep down, hopeless romantics. } Yes, inside the average working Joe lurks the soul of a poet. Men feel } the "softer" emotions like love and caring just as intensely as women-- } in many cases even more so-- and herein lies the source of the problem. } } Love is a deep and complex emotion, and when a man tries to express } his love, the crudity of human speech just mangles all the nuances. } Only one in ten million men is eloquent enough to find words that } express the depth of feeling in his heart; if every man could say } exactly what he felt, the world would be populated with Shakespeares, } their very words so beautiful as to make a stone weep. } } But we are none of us Shakespeare, and precious few have even a } tenth the command of language needed to explain our love in full. } To speak it incompletely is all that we can do, yet this somehow } seems to dilute the emotion, to water down the pure beauty of love } with pale banalities. } } "I love you" is a sentiment for a Valentine's Day card, not a } declaration of undying devotion, and many a man cannot bring himself } to cheapen his emotions with such a simple phrase. Yet it is also not } simple to say, "To mine eyes you are as the summer sun, unapproachable } in glory yet familiar as a friend, the source of all warmth and } beauty in this cold and impersonal world." (Yes, I wrote that.) } Even such men as might think such things, have difficulty finding } voice for them, lest their words fall on unpleased ears and their } hearts be lain waste by laughter and ridicule. } } So yea, O supplicant, hearken unto me, and heed well. An thy man } hath not the wherewithal to voice his love unto thee, he will show } it thee by his actions. A smile, a glance, a feathery touch 'pon } thy cheek-- in these things shall he strive to show thee his heart. } Let not a dearth of candy-heart words drive thee to despair, for many } a man doth love for true, and saith it not. } } Thou o'est thine Oracle naught, for thou hast recalled to him the } aire of days long past, and he hath found inspiration, and the words } to bare his own heart to the one whom he doth love. --- 960-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mmm.. monkey. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's no wrong way, to eat a Rhesus. --- 960-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most clueful, please tell me: > Why are my lUsers so clueless? No, wait, that's like asking why > water is wet or why fire is hot. What I meant is, why does it > seem that I get the *most* clueless of all clue-deficient lUsers? > Did someone slap some Clue Repellent on me when I wasn't looking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } New from Oracular Industries! It's... Clue-By-Four! } } It slices! It dices! It chops! It stops those annoying lusers dead } in their tracks! } } The Clue-By-Four looks both stylish and intimidating when held in your } lap! You can even stroke it tenderly for that extra-menacing look! } Do you get irritated when your know-nothing lusers completely hose } the configuration on their machine? It's nothing Clllllllue-By-Four } can't handle! One and two and through and through is all it takes } to solve that problem! } } Wish that annoying luser would shut his droning mouth? Just wax that } ass with Cllllllllllllue-By-Four one good time. He'll think twice } before setting foot in your office again! } } All this and more can be yours for ten low, low payments of $29.95. } So what are you waiting for? Order now! The first fifty callers } will recieve an attractive carrying case, so grab that phone now! } } You owe the Oracle a Clue-By-Four Zot Staff. --- 960-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Deer Mr. Oricle, > I hope yu ar wel. > We did the batle ov Hasteings in scool today, and the techer sed that > Willium th Conker was really Norman! > So wy dont they call him Norman the Conker? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because Norman the Conker has already been done, three times, by } Anthony Perkins, and everyone is tired of hearing about him. } } You owe the Oracle a shower. --- 960-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Segmentation fault (core dumped) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, looks like this supplicant is a breech baby.