From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 28 12:16:03 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.12) id MAA07908; Tue, 28 Oct 1997 12:16:03 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 12:16:03 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199710281716.MAA07908@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #954 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 954 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #954 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 12:16:03 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 954 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 949 93 votes bCtc3 aosn8 6wqq3 4cqwj btvg6 37Evc 6bzub 5szg9 5eqBb 6gmpo 949 3.1 mean 2.5 2.9 2.9 3.5 2.8 3.5 3.3 3.0 3.4 3.5 --- 954-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most industrially illustrious one, why do they call it "on hand" > inventory when it's usually on a shelf? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This term dates back to the famous case, "Thor Power Tool Co. vs. } The United States of America" in which the Supreme Court (voting } 7 - 2) decided that Thor could not depreciate their inventory. } The publishing industry was particularly hard hit by this decision, } since they often depreciated their inventory of published books by } 1,500% in the first year. This explains why newly-published books } are now often remaindered up to 3 months before they are published. } As a result, accountants in the publishing industry usually beging } their discussions of tax-liability considerations by saying, "On the } one hand..." } } Meanwhile, the Japanese developed the concept of just-in-time delivery, } which reduced the "on-hand inventory" to zero. Of course, since Japan } is the size of a parking lot in Bill, Wyoming, their companies had } little trouble in delivering necessary raw materials and/or finished } products to their domestic customers. When American companies tried } to adopt the Japanese model to their own operations, they found some } difficulty in delivering, say, one million tons of raw beets from } the Central Valley in California to a hamburger processing plant in } Atlanta, Georgia (no, no, no, the package doesn't say "raw beef", } it says "raw beet"!). This led to a uniquely American system called } "Just-Too-Late Delivery", in which the raw materials and/or finished } products are delivered to the customer just as the sheriff shows up } to serve bankrupcy papers to them. } } Of course, if you would rather have a theological explanation, the } Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church has recently announced that } all physical matter (i.e., inventory) is "in His hands". } } You owe the Oracle a year's inventory of "Handi-Wipes". --- 954-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most melodious, do you remember that old song about trying to > remember the days of September? Isn't there another verse about > October? Something about getting sober, I think. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try to get over } The fest of Oktober } When the Oom-pa-pa band } In Lederhosen } Makes you drink pilsner } Until you feel ill sir } Don't swallow...swallow...swallow } } Beware the fat nurse } She'll force-feed you bratwurst } Until you vomit } In a Valkyrie's armpit } Don't shout "Heil Hitler" } Or the Germans'll hit yer } With a beer barrel } And mock your apparel } } So try to stay sober at } the fest of Oktober } Don't swallow...swallow...swallow } } You owe the Oracle some Alka-Seltzer --- 954-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omnipotent and all-seeing Oracular master, whose electronic > wisdom I am unworthy even to contemplate, please deign to answer my > most pitiful and unspeakably boring question... > > How did Microsoft gain control of so much of the software industry? Are > the rumors of Bill's Deal with the Dark One true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } Thank you for the flattering compliments - I do so love it when you } guys & gals appreciate my superior intellect, coupled with my awesome } parallel processing feats and storage capacity. } } Now, technically you are only allowed to ask *one* question, but since } I'm in a good mood at the moment (and I have a lot of time on my } hands), I have deigned to answer both. } } > How did Microsoft gain control of so much of the software industry? } } The true reason for Microsoft's hold on all our lives (methinks I } exaggerate) is deeply shrouded in history, rumour and a lot of other } confusing gubbins. A long time ago (1979?) an anonymous but powerful } company named IBM sought to create a computer that was clever, yet } easy to use. They wanted a machine that you could run a business on, } or scribble a memo to fetch the kids from school half an hour early, } for example. } } Having designed the hardware, they sought software. They journeyed } high and low, searching many a nook-and-a-cranny (the latter phrase } to be read in an Olde Scottish Accent) for talented programmers. Their } gaze briefly alighted on one Gary Kildall, the creator of CP/M } ('Control Program for Microcomputers'). The very day that Gary was due } to meet the IBM stuffed shirts, rumour has it that he took his private } 'plane out for a bit of scenic meandering, and he missed this very } important meeting. } } Ah! Piffle, I say! Codswallop, utter nonsense! It's obvious what } happened. Bill Gates, being a true megalomaniac and a downright crafty } character to boot (no pun intended), kidnapped Gary, brought him to } his kindergarten (where he was currently studying), tied him to a } chair, threw old peanut-butter sandwiches and Jello at him and refused } to let him go until he promised to let Bill have the all of the } goodies. So Gary (the true hero of the software industry) was } 'persuaded' to focus his energies elsewhere. Presumably Bill came back } to untie him later - these events are closed to me (I believe that's } what mediums say, isn't it?). } } Bill's still up to his nasty tricks today. Sure, he's richer. Sure, he } knows a lot more people. But we all know that deep down, he's just as } crafty - and as foxy and weasely - as can be. So there. I say so. } IDST. } } > Are the rumors of Bill's Deal with the Dark One true? } } Look very closely at Bill Gates the next time you see him (I dare } you!). Do his eyebrows meet in the middle? No? Well, are his nostrils } just ever-so-slightly of the fire-breathing variety, as is probably } quite useful Down Below? (Sorry Rolf). No. That's not proof enough. } Er.. his name is an anagram of 'Big Stella'? Now *that* must mean } something! Dressed in drag, he 'works' in a massage parlour in the wee } small hours? Oh dear. I've almost exhausted my Oracular resources, } here. } } Ah! I know! The ASCII value of all of the letters in his name add up } to make... 663!! Surely that must mean something! } --- } } You owe the Oracle (who is using an *Amiga* in this incarnation!) an } original copy of CP/M 86 for the Octopus Computer System. Ah, how I } miss those bygone days. --- 954-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most illuminating, please tell me how many management > consultants it takes to change a light bulb. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A negative number equal to the number you called in to start with - you } aren't going to get any real change until you get rid of all those } management consultants. } } You owe the Oracle a 5-day MBA. --- 954-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_000D_01BCE161.EE9D6120 > Content-Type: multipart/alternative; > boundary="----=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120" > > ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > Why has Microsoft stopped giving old-fashioned version numbers (3.0 and > 6.0) to its products like Windows and Office and has replaced them by = > years? > > ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > > > http-equiv=3DContent-Type> > > > >
Why has Microsoft stopped giving = > old-fashioned=20 > version numbers (3.0 and 6.0) to its products like Windows and Office = > and has=20 > replaced them by years?
>
 
> > ------=_NextPart_001_000E_01BCE161.EE9D6120-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because numbers with decimal points were considered too difficult a } concept for their client base. } } Apparently this assumption is warranted. } } You owe the Oracle a return to the days of vi, pine, and trn. --- 954-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, in looking through electronics catalogs, I find > that you can buy zero ohm resistors. What is the purpose of these > devices? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. --- 954-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who can whip that big IBM 'puter in chess with > 3 moves, who is the best at every earthling sport in the universe, > I have a question: > > What is the best grovel you ever got? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best grovel I ever got? Let's see... No, I'm afraid I can't tell } you about that one, because this is a family oracle. Same for the next } three. The fifth best grovel I ever got is perfectly presentable, but } is far too long to reprint here. The sixth best... no, that one was } in an obscure dialect spoken only in Outer Mongolia and this keyboard } doesn't have the characters. The seventh -- no...the eighth, } no...no...no... the seventthird best grovel was -- rats, I can't tell } you about that one either. Then there was the -- oh, that's the one you } just sent, you don't need me to tell you that one. } Hmm...nope...nyet...nein...no...aha! Ok, I can tell you the nine } hundred thirty-five thousand, two hundred forty-sixth best grovel I } ever got. It went, "Hey, Orrie, who is sort of ok." } } You owe the Oracle some Outer Mongolian BBQ. --- 954-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who's infinite powers allow him to wake up at even the > earliest hours of the morning after only hitting 'snooze' once, > I have a grave problem. I live in a college dorm room with windows > that face the gymnasium. This became an issue for me, because the > noise from "early-bird 7 am aroebics" was waking me up every morning. > Try as I might, even with the windows closed and a pillow pulled > over my head, the blaring 80s music and the "One and two and one and > two..." over the areobics loud-speakers was waking me up every day. > Since nothing was helping, I decided to obey the old adage "If you > can't beat 'em, join 'em" and I joined early-bird 7 am areobics. > > It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I soon realized that if I > was going to do areobics properly at 7 am, I couldn't stay out until 4 > in the morning before hand. I started going to bed earlier and as a > result stopped binge drinking every night with my buds. Also, after > finishing the daily work-out I found myself with tons of extra time > on my hands, since I hadn't been awake for "morning" in a few years. > With nothing better to do I started filling time with activities > such as "eating breakfast" and "going to class" and "studying." > While I was at it, I got a hair cut, started showering regularly, > and became a vegetarian. > > I used to be a beer-guzzling, junk-food eating, lazy, slobby guy who > spent all his waking hours partying with his pals and talking about > beer, women, and beer. Now I have changed into a physically-fit, > hard-working, health-food-eating, clean-cut man who hangs out with > thirty well-toned women discussing things such as politics, the green > house effect, and sports bras. > > PLEASE HELP ME!!! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GO ON LIKE THIS MUCH LONGER!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All right, I'm here to help. Here's what you do. Make a rude pass } at every one of those women. Make it so disgusting that there's no } chance they'll ever look at you with respect again. Mention Marv } Albert and the two of you. Next, get back on a proper diet! } Beer, boy, and lots of it! Beans! Tacos! Greasy hamburgers! } Keep going until you can't get through a minute of aerobics without } making embarrassing bodily noises. Talk about nothing but football } and sports. Take up chewing tobacco. And stop showering. If you } haven't been barred from the aerobics class by a court order, start } over and repeat it all as necessary. Waste no time! Start now! } } You owe the Oracle a reminder to have Lisa's "Early Bird Aerobics" } class moved to another continent. --- 954-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, but silent one on this gray day in Chicago, groveling from > the 28th floor of the Sears Tower, why does The Internet Oracle have no > questions to ask? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I never cease to be amazed at the number of people that can't } grasp the extremely simple principles underlying this service. } It's this way, kid: supplicants ask questions, the Oracle } answers them. I don't have any questions to ask because I know } everything. Got that? } } > That was a question. } } What? } } > You asked a question. "Got that?" is a question. So is "What?" } } Oh, a smartass, eh? } } > That's a question, too. } } Right, Mister Know-it-all Clever Dick from the 28th floor of the } Sears Tower on this gray day in Chicago. From now on I'm going } to answer all your questions with questions. See how you like } that! } } > That's the way it is, eh? } } That's the way what is? } } > Okay, oh great but sometimes puerile one, tell me this. Why } > does The Internet Oracle have no questions to ask? } } How do you know The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask? } } > The question queue is empty. } } Which question queue would that be? } } > The Oracular question queue! } } Are you sure you looked carefully enough? } } > What do you mean? How carefully do I have to look? } } You know how things sometimes appear to be lost but they aren't } really? } } > You mean the questions get temporarily misplaced? } } Haven't you ever heard of things slipping down the back of the sofa? } } > Statement! } } Was not! } } > Hah! Gotcha! } } Damn! } } > He fell for it! The oldest trick in the book! } } It was just a temporary lapse! Gimme a rematch, you little slimeball! } } > I don't know why anybody comes to ask you anything anyway. } > Some all-knowing sage! My kid brother could do better! } } I'm warning you... } } > Just wait till I tell all the guys on alt.slack what a loser } > you are, oh Internet Oracle I don't think! Why, you couldn't } > prophesy your way out of a paper bag! I've met garden pond } > ornaments with more soothsaying skills than... } } ******* zzzzzzzzZOT ******* } } Omniscience means always having the last word. --- 954-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most jolly, have you ever considered a job as a mall Santa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: Lisa, Oracular companion } From: The Internet Oracle } Re: Holiday Job } } Honey, it might be cool if I took on a job as a mall Santa this year. I } know whether everyone has been naughty or nice, of course. And how } about the names of all of the reindeer? I think I can use the Staff of } Zot to alter my appearance as needed. Check this out and get back to } me. } } -O } } To: Zadoc, Oracular lackey } From: Lisa, hot babe } Re: Mall Santa } } Sweetheart, the big cheese thinks it would be cool to be a mall Santa } this year. I know, but let's humor him. Find out what it pays and } whether the Zot staff is enough to fix his looks. (No wisecracks!) Oh, } and we need the names of the reindeer. Write soon. } } Love, Lisa. } } To: Ms. Emily Saurbraten, Temple Chief of Staff } From: Zadoc, Executive Assistant to His Omniscience } Re: Santa job } } Three questions honey: What's it pay to be a mall Santa? Can the Zot } staff do plastic surgery? What are the names of Santa's reindeer? I } need answers by noon. } } -The Big Z } } To: Penny, Benny, and Lenny, Research elves } From: Emily Saurbraten } Re: Quick questions } } Penny: Need a cost estimate for mall Santa. } } Benny: Check capabilities of Zot staff re. plastic surgery. } } Lenny: Names of Satan's reindeer. } } E.S. } } To: Ronald "Fingers" Scarpelli } From: Penny "Sweet Lips" } Re: Santa } } Honey bunny, I gotta get a cost estimate for a maul Santa. And I get } off work today at five thirty. Want to meet at the usual place? } } X X X O O O X X X } } To: Dr. Albert Sintermann, chief of cosmetic and reconstructive surgery } From: Bernard McDinny } Re: Zot staff } } I've got a question for you. Would you be able to fix up a zot victim, } you know, afterwards, and could you make him look kinda normal again? } } -B McD } } To: Cerberus, Dog from Hell } From: Leonard Farnham } Re: Reindeer? } } Hey, do you guys have any reindeer down there? And what are their } names? } } Lenny } } ........ much later ......... } } To: Orrie the hottie } From: Lisa the nubile } Re: Santa job } } Got those answers you needed. Turns out that you can get a good Santa } job for about $5000, broken bones are your choice (what's that about?), } just show up at The Top Cat after work and wear your red outfit. You } can get somewhat fixed up with any zot setting, even "UltraMegaZot", } although the results really depend upon the strength of the zot. And } I've got a list of names here: Gouger, Tyson, Kicker, Gorer, Stinky, } Demon, Fangs, Nessus, and Rudolph. What's that all about? } } Forever yours, Lisa } - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - } } You owe the Oracle a promise to be extra good this year.