From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Oct 2 07:54:04 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.11) id HAA18373; Thu, 2 Oct 1997 07:54:04 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 07:54:04 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199710021254.HAA18373@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #946 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 946 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #946 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 07:54:04 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 946 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 941 97 votes 8pwkc bwzf4 btyi5 5itB8 6bhkH 47oHj 8fvqh 57nAq 6kqtg 59pvr 941 3.3 mean 3.0 2.7 2.8 3.3 3.9 3.7 3.3 3.7 3.3 3.7 --- 946-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to be a commodity broker. I have been preparing for the > liscencing exam for 3 months, and will be taking it on Thursday. What > I want to know from you, all-powerful Oracle, is will I pass the exam? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear oh dear oh dear. } } Commodity broker, eh? One of those guys in pinstripe suits and red } braces with three mobile phones and an annual bonus that's rather } larger than the annual income of, say, Africa? One of those blokes who } stands in front of a VDU screaming "BUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUY!" and (ten } seconds later) "SELLSELLSELLSELLSELL!" ? One of those geezers who deals } in billions and has the power to crash an entire country before } breakfast? } } We have come up against one of the immutable paradoxes of the universe } here - the fact that for many things, the people who really want to do } something are nine times out of ten the very last people who should be } allowed to do it. } } Think about this - as an example, lets take automatic weapons. In } Britain, these were recently banned, against much protestation from the } shooting community. "What about the rights of the genuine sportsman?" } they cried. Genuine sportsman? With an Uzi? Doesn't give the elk much } of a sporting chance, does it? For years, the government said "We're } not going to ban these weapons, because we have a careful screening } program to weed out those who are unsuitable to hold a machine gun } license". This missed a fundamental point. There really only needs to } be one question on the application form - "Do you want to own an } automatic assault rifle?" and if the answer is yes, then you're clearly } not a suitable person. Other prominent examples include Presidencies, } accountants and people with the power to crash an entire country before } breakfast. } } So yes, depressingly, you are going to pass. You'll become a } commodities broker, you'll work hard at it, you'll relax at the golf } club on a weekend, you'll drive a flash car, you'll develop a cocaine } addiction and you'll have a heart attack by the time you're thirty } five. } } Satisfied? } } You owe The Oracle another option --- 946-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ma'am, I'm afraid not even a Miracle Bra will get you a date. --- 946-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > UUCP And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, II don't see pee. --- 946-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >>>>>And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Pit one of my incarnations against another, will you? Project this! > } > } *** ZOT! ***<<<<<< > > I think you will have to "ZOT" another yourself in your own little > brain! Oracles are spending too much time trying NOT to ZOT > you! > > ----(hey, Mezda, why do I get all the strange ones?) > > ---(don't know, Most High One - beats me..........) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I never meta question I liked. --- 946-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just forgot the keyboard! What do I do??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quick! Grab your rat-- er, mouse-- and drag it out of the trash can! } What's that? You're using a -real- OS? Oh. No problem then... just log } in from your dumb terminal. You -do- have a dumb terminal, don't you? } You don't. *sigh* } } Okay, Supplicant, here's where things get tricky. You're going to have } to connect the pins of your keyboard connector manually to send signals } to the controller. Now then... What's that? You're lost? } } Well, Supplicant, I can only think of one good solution to your } problem. See that big button on the front of your computer? Push it. } } You owe the Oracle-- ()*#&RH(*)#&(J)*F(* NO CARRIER --- 946-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, can you tell me 101 uses for a used > colostomy bag? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Pillow for the congested. } 2. Batting practice. } 3. Cutting board. } 4. Theft deterrent. } 5. The new Sony Shitman! } 6. EZ Fertilizer Packet. } 7. Deodorant for Andre the Giant. } 8. Water balloons at Republican fund-raisers. } 9. Women can use them to write their names in the snow. } 10. Keep one on your desk so no one asks you questions. } 11. Keep one on your desk so people do ask you questions. } 12. Floats for fishing. } 13. Cleaning your floors (admittedly, not a very effective use, } but . . . .) } 14. 3 words: Poor man's Tupperware. } 15. A keen hat. } 16. Weather balloon. } 17. Inflate for a booster seat. } 18. Airbag in GM cars. } 19. A travel pillow. } 20. Goldfish transportation. } 21. Emergency replacement bladder for bagpipes. } 22. Emergency replacement kneepads. } 23. Life-raft for cats. } 24. Stitch together for a smart line of evening-wear. } 25. Chew toy for the family dog. } 26. Lick-and-stick wallpaper. } 27. Use it again (just for fun). } 28. Beer brewing carboy. } 29. Keen Christmas wrapping-paper. } 30. Pour remaining contents over DSS just before you throw } it in the garbage. } 31. Jell-O mold. } 32. Respirator/re-breather. } 33. Chop it up for a calamari substitute. } 34. Salt and/or Pepper Shaker. } 35. Attach a nipple for instant baby bottle! } 36. Real life Whoopee cushion. } 37. Salad dressing. } 38. Room deodorizer. } 39. Hot water bottle. } 40. Sham-poo dispenser. } 41. Body pillow for Barbie. } 42. Party favors. } 43. Holy wafer substitute at Satanic Rituals. } 44. Tote bag. } 45. Wallet. } 46. An exceptionally stylish purse. } 47. Ballast. } 48. Punching bag. } 49. Mousepad. } 50. Travel mug. } 51. Humidifier. } 52. Christmas tree ornament. } 53. Nasal spray. } 54. Mouthwash container. } 55. Microwave dish - for extra flavor. } 56. Gravy dispenser. } 57. Tea cosey. } 58. Hat. } 59. Filled with marbles - bizarre torture device. } 60. Falsies. } 61. Codpiece. } 62. Looking glass. } 63. Crunch-'n-Munch. } 64. Very small particle accelerator. } 65. When filled - Volleyball. } 66. Ex-skeet shooting. } 67. Medicine bag. } 68. Woodchuck holder. } 69. Wood chucking device. } 70. Hot air balloon. } 71. Hockey puck. } 72. Not-very-edible underwear. } 73. Salad garnish. } 74. Salad plate. } 75. Toner cartridge. } 76. Sun dial. } 77. Decorative vase. } 78. Ear muffs. } 79. Protective goggles. } 80. Bar-b-q! } 81. CD-Rom storage case. } 82. Telephone de-sanitizer. } 83. ZOT proof shield. } 84. Diaper bag. } 85. Tortilla warmer. } 86. Condom for Andre the Giant. } 87. Nacho-cheese dispenser. } 88. Goldfish carrier. } 89. Shake-n-bake! (Thicker & more reliable!) } 90. Fill it full of helium for the kids! } 91. Fill it full of helium for the grown-ups! } 92. Barf bag. } 93. Diet aid. } 94. Beer bong. } 95. A unique way to serve chili. } 96. Molotov cocktail. } 97. Swimming cap. } 98. Great place to put meat drippings! } 99. Towing device. } 100. Sausage extruder. } 101. Shoving in the mouth of annoying Supplicants. } } You owe the Oracle an enema. --- 946-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose pens never run out of ink, especially when he's > writing a check, and the cashier doesn't have a pen of her own, please > tell me... > > How can I get rid of all this paper work, without just throwing it > away? I may need it later. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you didn't need it later, I could give you a hundred and } one ways to get rid of it. That little condition complicates } matters, however. } } Oh, I know what you could do. Go find one of those photocopiers } that can handle 11-by-17 paper. Put two sheets of your paperwork } side by side, then copy them at half size, so they'll fit on one } piece of letter paper. Throw away the originals, and do the same } thing to the next two sheets of your paperwork. Then take the two } photocopies, put them side by side, and reduce them. With a little } bit of work, you can jam all your paperwork onto a single piece of } paper. When you need the paperwork back again, just reverse the } process! (Sure, it'll be a little grainy, but it's well worth the } convenience, wouldn't you say?) } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _The Decline and Fall of the Roman } Empire_ on a postage stamp. --- 946-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do I have a chance to pass this class? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Everybody has a chance at just about anything. Linus Torvalds had a } chance to write an operating system kernel. Bill Gates had a chance } to flood the world with inferior software. Steve Kinzler had a chance } to become my right-hand man (and a marvellous job he's done too, } I might add. Remind me to make a note to give him a raise, will you?) } } You, however... } } You think you've got everything sewn up, and taken care of. You think } that, because you've blackmailed the class geek into giving you written } answers to everything, all your worries have been taken care of. } You think that the teacher won't dare fail you, because your father } is going to underwrite her latest business venture. You think that, } if worst comes to worst, that you can hack into the school computer, } as happened in "Wargames". } } Guess again. } } The class geek set things up so you would find out something "juicy" } about him - when in actual fact, everybody except you knows that it's } a put up job. All those assignments he did for you are just about } guaranteed to get 100% - at the wrong end of the scale. } } The teacher just inherited a large fortune from her uncle. That puts } paid to your father's investment. } } Your modem is near the end of its warranty. The day that the results } are entered into the computer is the same day that the warranty } expires - and we all know what happens to equipment on the day that } the warranty expires, don't we? } } Besides, the school computer isn't connected to the phone network. } } In short, the answer's "No". } } But don't worry. You've still got a job option open to you. Zadoc's } been pestering me for some leave; I was going to refuse. On second } thoughts, though, I think you'll do just fine in his place. At the } least, it'll give me a chance at some zotting practice. Zadoc's no } fun anymore. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime of servitude. Don't forget - you're } here forever! --- 946-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Sir / Madam, I really need an answer: > > when will my brass hand be ready? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh my, did you say "brass HAND"? You, um, may have a bit of a surprise } when your Day With John Philip Sousa kicks in at 6 a.m. tomorrow. } } You owe the Oracle a better grovel next time, or you'll be hearing the } Stars and Stripes, and I do mean Forever. --- 946-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, I have this really tough question to ask you, and > I'd appreciate some help. You see, I've really got no idea > as to what sort of kite I should buy. Do you have any > idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I recommend malachite. It's nice, green, and will fly great. If you } throw it hard enough.