From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sun Aug 24 09:18:45 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.10) id JAA10934; Sun, 24 Aug 1997 09:18:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 24 Aug 1997 09:18:45 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199708241418.JAA10934@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #935 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 935 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #935 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 24 Aug 1997 09:18:45 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 935 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 930 80 votes 8dqmb clza2 dkkp2 8npg8 3alB9 htfc7 5jwj5 iwj83 9cmpc bitbb 930 2.9 mean 3.2 2.6 2.8 2.9 3.5 2.5 3.0 2.3 3.2 2.9 --- 935-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best pickup line in history? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "In history" covers a lot of time, but not much space (not even as much } space as you would find beneath the lid of a salt shaker, when you } remove it and place it on the counter so you can refill the empty } container...but I digress). } } Clearly, if you were to tear yourself away from circling the episode } summaries of the "new" reruns of the X-Files in TV Guide and give the } matter a bit of thought, you would see that the best pickup line in } history is the one which started the whole shebang (the first pun is a } freebie, the rest will cost you extra.) } } Back before mankind's first cerebral cortex formed, before the first } thunder lizard glanced down as his running mate and decided to take a } taste, even before the first nearsighted fish rammed the shoreline and } discovered that it needed to learn how to breath and damn quick, } ...were the microbial ancestors of all life. } } Random circling and nudging was the pattern of the day, until one of } these single-celled organisms decided it might be nice, if not naughty, } to nuzzle another nucleus. } } Approaching ever so slowly (it is not easy to move quickly in } primordial ooze) the brave bit of biology uttered the first, and best, } pickup line in history: } } "Flup?" it said. } } And so it all began. } } (Oh, you want a translation? Sorry, that's another question.) } } You owe the Oracle a one-night stand-up comedian. --- 935-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great oracle of the internet (wail, followed by 15 minutes of > flagellation with a whip), I who am unworthy to look to the same point > in the compass as you occupy (fall to knees, eats dirt and beat head > with large rock), who blasts unholy furry rodents with the great Staff > of Zot (takes effigy of woodchuck and burns it, all while muttering > "Death to woodchucks"), who's responses are brighter than the sun > (puts on sunglasses), who's name cannot be spoken without fear and > trembling (falls to knees again, and trembles, and then beats head > with rock), who's great wisdom makes Bill Gates look like a piker > (takes windows 95 disks and burns them as sacrifice, and beats head > with rock), who's girlfriend Lisa is the epitome of female beauty (eyes > bug out briefly, followed by beating head with rock more fervently), > I ask the following question: > > " Why is Bono (the lead singer of U2) have such crappy music > these days, (anything after "Rattle and Hum" basically stinks)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nice grovel. Keep up the good work. } } It is a sad but widely known fact of life that, despite their best } intentions, people end up becoming carbon copies of their parents. } This is one of the greatest single causes of decay and corruption } in any modern society. A few general examples: } } At 20 At 40 } } Music heavy metal 50's musicals } preference } } Fashion jeans & T-shirt anything brown and/or } sense plaid } } Favorite getting totally napping during halftime } pasttime shloshed } } Greatest remembering to paying the mortgage } responsibility use birth control } } Politics anarchist Republican } } In order to understand the cause of Bono's musical demise, one } only has to be aware of his true parentage. As it turns out, although } Bono has his roots in working-class Dublin, his personal history begins } all the way back in the USA. In 1962, a funny-looking California guy } began his singing career doing bars in San Fransisco. His popularity } quickly rose, and the money started to roll in. After about six } months, he got a lucrative offer to make a record with his girlfriend. } In celebration, the two of them went to Ireland for a month to vacation } and visit friends. } } While this young singer was at a bar with a few of his friends, he met } this really hot Irish babe. The two of them really got it on. Since } his girlfriend was back at their friend's house watching TV, the two of } them decided to have a little tryst in the back room. The singer left } the next day for the US, and 9 months later the baby was born. } } The singer never knew he was a father, but the Irish chick never forgot } his name. Although her parents were deadset against it, she decided to } raise the child herself. Remarkably, she never felt bitter about the } whole experience, and even nicknamed the kid after his father. He } didn't mind it much, until a bunch of kids at school overheard his } mother call him "Sonny" and beat him up for having such a stupid name. } After that, he decided that "Bono" was a much cooler-sounding nickname, } and the rest is history. } } As singer and songwriter for U2, Bono is very much responsible for the } band's recent surge in mediocrity. The bland sound of Pop is only } the first of a string of boring releases which will ultimately result } in U2 breaking up after their "I Got You Babe" tour in 2002. } } You owe the Oracle the 44th California House seat and an inflatable } Cher doll. --- 935-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are hotmail.com'ers really cluelesser than aol.com'ers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle writes: } } > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } > } > > Are hotmail.com'ers really cluelesser than aol.com'ers? } } WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DORK! } } You owe the Oracle an account at Europe OnLine (EOL) } ______________________________________________________ } Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com --- 935-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, oh so wise, blah blah blah, tell me > > Is it a social faux pas to eat a bag of Oreo Cookies (tm, no doubt) > before heading to the Dentist for a cleaning? I pay good money for > their service, I think I should be getting my moneies worth! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, it's perfectly okay. Just don't say "Hydrox!" when you see the } doc. } } Okay, okay, I know. It's a weak pun. You owe the Oracle a tube of } industrial strength pun reinforcement. } } Let's try this again... } } A far greater faux pas would be to eat an entire loaf of garlic bread. } If you try that once, the dentist'll be glad of the Oreos. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of garlic soup and a gallon of mouthwash. --- 935-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It says here that "when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of > Solomon, she came to prove Solomon with hard questions at Jerusalem, > with a very great company, and camels that bare spices, and gold in > abundance, and precious stones: and when she was come to Solomon, she > communed with him of all that was in her heart. And Solomon told her > all her questions: and there was nothing hid from Solomon which he told > her not." > > Now obviously Solomon was one of Your Incarnations, and the queen one > of your earlier supplicants (and You were doing that "you owe the > Oracle" thing even then, tho not with so much imagination -- the > bathtub full of lime Jell-O and Alicia Silverstone I understand, but > why the Siamese cat and the Windows 97 installation floppies?), but > what I really want to know is: what were those "hard questions" that > she (the queen of Sheba, not Alicia Silverstone) proved You with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah yes, clever supplicant. You have found me out (was it all those } halbabies I left lying around?) Sheba was a pretty hot babe, but she } was a few camels shy of a caravan, if you get my meaning. So it wasn't } such a big thing to anticipate the answers to all her questions, and } simply act mysterious on the toughies. But what you wanted was the } questions she asked. If I recall accurately, she asked me 101 } questions (imagine that!) And here they are: } } 1. Just kidding. I'm pretty much over the "101" thing, aren't you? } } Anyway, she asked me all the usual drivel, about chickens and eggs, } chickens crossing roads, the blue sky thing, where to bury survivors, } woodchucks chucking wood (I smacked her whipping girl really hard for } that one,) and bunches of other nonsense. In short, all the same stuff } people ask me about nowadays. I know this isn't very exciting, but you } asked about Sheba. If you had asked about Alicia, well that would have } been a much different story. } } You owe the Oracle a map to the lost city of Zinge. --- 935-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, turn turn turn, > Tell me the lesson that I must learn. > Orrie, is watching to much tv bad for > your health? Can I call you dadoo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, Mr. Supplicant man, } Drag your eyes away. } For that show that you've been watching } Has been bad for you. } } Hey, Mr. Supplicant man, } Drag your eyes away, } On this bright and sunny morning } There's so much else to do. } } Take a walk out in the park } Or plant a stout oak tree. } Take your puppy for a walk. } Find someone with whom to talk. } Don't fill your mind with tripe } From NBC-TV. } } Today you can go anywhere. } Be free and take control. } You know you're on a roll. } Find someplace worthwhile to go. } Don't live your life vicariously. } } Hey, Mr. Supplicant man, } Drag your eyes away. } For that show that you've been watching } Has been bad for you. } } Hey, Mr. Supplicant man, } Drag your eyes away, } On this bright and sunny morning } There's so much else to do. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of The Birds' Greatest Hits--on LP of course! } Dadoo? Can I call you Zot-meat? --- 935-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and magnificently deep Oracle, who knows the real reason Bill > Gates bought Apple stock. Tell this inquiring supplicant's humble > question. > > How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! A very interesting proposition. I've told many jokes in the past, } but I've never really tried telling a *question*. Let's see now...it's } all in the delivery, I just need to pick a style... } } >Monty Python Constable: } > An' just 'OW much deeper would the ocean be wi''out sponges, then? } } Hmmmm. Nah, been done. } } >AOL user: } > |-|0\/\/ /\/\uC|-| d33p3r W00d t|-|3 0c3a/\/ B w/0 sp0/\/gz?!!1?!1 } } Also seen *far* too often on the 'net. } } >William Shatner: } > HOW...much DEEPER...wouldtheocean BE...without, errrrmmmm, SPONGES? } } Nope. Too dramatic. } } >Robin Williams: } > Intheeventthattheoceanweretosuddenlyriditselfofthoseindigenousforms } > oflifeheretoforeknownas"sponges"thenhowdeepwouldtheoceanbe?ARRARR!! } } Way too spastic. } } >Henny Youngman: } > Take my sponge. Please. } } Better, but still not as funny as it could be. } } >Gallagher: } > Look out!!! It's SPONGE-O-MATIC!!!! *splat* } } Hmmmm. Not quite as exciting as the watermelon, was it? } } >Billy Ocean: } > I ain't got no sponge, man. Cut the crap. } } I guess puns are out, then. } } Well, after a lot of trial and error, I guess that you really can't } tell a question. If you could, it wouldn't be a question any more, } it would be a joke. } } You owe the Oracle the most recent version of MacUser's Talking } Mouse, set to Bobo's face and Ralph's voice (the REAL reason Bill } Gates bought Apple stock). --- 935-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me, O great Oracle, mighty answerer of the unanswerable! > > I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for my > programming languages class, when suddenly a spirit appeared above my > monitor. As I sat frozen in terror, the ghost began its story: > "I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for my > compilers class, when suddenly a spirit appeared above my > monitor. As I sat frozen in terror, the ghost began its story: > "I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for my > AI class, when suddeny a spirit appeared above my > monitor. As I sat frozen in terror, the ghost began its story: > "I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for my > theory of computation class, when suddenly a spirit appeared > above my monitor. As I sat frozen in terror, the ghost began its > story: > "I was sitting at my computer, working on a lab assignment for > my machine architecture class, when suddenly a spirit > appeared... > > Fortunately, I managed to escape to another console to contact you, oh > all-knowing Oracle. I be of you to help me. How do I stop the > infinite regress? Is there a base case, or am I going to be haunted by > the stories of an infinite number of programmers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Someone, somewhere, has slept through their entire class. This is not } just a high probability, it is a certainty. When the spirits try to } appear to this person, they won't even notice, and the loop will halt. } Therefore there is at least one terminating condition, and probably } several. } } If you had been paying attention at all in your programming class, you } would have been able to figure this out for yourself. But at least you } weren't sleeping, which I guess is all we can ask for. } } You owe the Oracle a list of all the people connecting Kevin Bacon to } Douglas Hofstader. --- 935-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise oracle, can I be funny, too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but you're not there yet. } } You owe the Oracle some postings in rec.humor.funny --- 935-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "But the lazy dog bites the hand that feeds it." } "Greetings to our CIA comrade." } "And a big Hi to you, KGB buddy. Is it going as planned?" } "Da. Our agent is in place amongst the Oracle Hierarchy. Only the } poor and nondescript answers will be digested from now on." } "And our sleepers at AOL will ensure a steady supply of those." } "Soon the people will turn away from the Oracle and rely on their } governments for answers, as they should." } "I couldn't agree more. Here's to more interagency co-operation. } Cheers!" } "Nasdrovya!" } } ... } Is there a mole at Oracle HQ? Will the Oracle smell a rat? Is } Richard Wilson being just a little too obvious? Tune in next week } for the next exciting installment of "The Oracle Protocols". } } You owe The Oracle casting control over the movie version.